FINDING MY FEELINGS

[sanmagic7]

moondance,  in your case, it sounds like being able to claim a different diagnosis might help you get more sessions covered.   i'm terribly sorry you're going thru this, especially since you've found a T with whom you work well.  to my mind, the T should be the one to determine how much time a client needs - diagnoses can change over time - and be able to work w/ them as long as needed.  ins. companies just want to run clients thru a neat little treadmill in the time limit they've determined is all that's needed for that diagnosis.  for example, back when i was practicing, a diagnosis of depression bought you 12 sessions.  complex trauma wasn't even on the menu.  best to you as you navigate these surly waters.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Hi San,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my journal.  I really appreciate it as it is really getting me to think about and journal what happened. Not sure if it will make sense but have to get it down.

When I was first approved for LTD they assigned me a rehab person and approved me for 12 weeks of therapy with their chosen psychologist.  Each session with this T there were serious triggers for me as she mentioned going back to work every time.  I am terrified at the mention of it, i can't watch or talk about work without being triggered. I did not feel safe with this psychologist.  I was not able to speak up for myself, it didn't even occur to me at the beginning  to suggest someone else.  I don't think I was asked either but not sure.  This T was working for the ins.  and had been for 10 yrs.  She knows what they want and that is most likely a return to work asap.  She was very pushy about going back to work.  I would speak with the rehab person every 4 weeks, and she would check in.  By the 8th week I could no longer deal with it and pretty much lost it on the phone w/rehab person trying yo explain what was going on.  By loosing it I mean my speech was escalating, i began to stutter trying to explain what was happening yo me.  .  My weeks were filled with triggers, zoning out and I believe disassociating, if that is the vorrect word.  My mind was going non-stop, anyway I was in crisis to put in mildly.  I told her I could no longer see this T as I didn't feel safe.  I had tried to express this to rehab person prior but it wasn't until I had totally escalated did she hear me.   She told me she would request approval for the suggested T and let me know but that I had to see T1 until approval came thru. When I look back on it know it makes me really angry.  Against my will, (there are a number of choice words going thru my head at tge moment).  I was put in an unsafe position against my will and for how many times i did not know?    Are you kidding me???  OMG. This is know bringing back other unsafe situations with other T's. 

I stepped away for a cigarette and now I lost my train of thought. 

So i guess that is it. 

I had a major trigger at last place of work which I believe caused me to spiral. It took 3 months of spiraling before I just couldn't go in to work.  I tried and tried to get over it before giving in.  I was getting nose bleeds and spitting out blood clots at least 3x a week.   When I was first off work all I did was sleep for 2 weeks.  I would wake up to eat / drink something and go back to sleep.  I'm still exhausted with next to no energy.  I have been off work now for 11 months. 

So basically this last job triggered the past SA, the past bullying, the past gaslighting, the past manipulations by master manipulator M and humpty dumpy fell on the ground. Gosh not sure where that came from. 

[Moondance]

Ohhhh and lies, so many lies and betrayal.

So very sick of it all.

[Papa Coco]

Moondance,

I want to start by chiming in with others on the forum who have commented on the wisdom you bring to us. I know you're in a triggered Emotional Flashback (EF) place right now, but through the suffering, you still say some profoundly enlightening things. Thank you for joining the group. I'm a bit wiser now because of you.

Insurance Companies are bullies. And for us to have to deal with them like we do is triggering because of how badly we've been bullied all our lives.

C-PTSD is real. For many of us it requires a lifetime of ongoing therapy. But for most of us, if we can't pay for it out of pocket...well...we get crapola.

We, the beautiful, traumatized souls who suffer the sleepless nights and the stomach pains and the headaches, all want help for ourselves as well as for each other. We know what it feels like to be aggressively isolated by narcissists, so we compassionately reach out to each other with hugs and verbal support. We tend to want to help each other as much as we pray for help for ourselves. When that help is out of reach for any of us, we all feel the frustration.

Right now, my hands ache because I want so badly to reach through my computer screen and slap your insurance company and to keep slapping until they learn to have some compassion so as to become better humans and provide the funds so you can receive the therapeutic services that you deserve. (And the same goes for you, Armee. And for anyone else who's insurance companies are blocking access to compassionate health care).

For now, Just know that in our hearts, me and others on this forum are circling you with supportive words and thoughts and prayers. Maybe we can't help fix your insurance company, but we can offer up how much we want to.

[sanmagic7]

hey, moondance, it ticks me off too  at how you've been treated, both by people who are supposed to be helping you get better, and at work.  i get it about triggers and spiraling and having miles to go before you can come back from it.  so very sorry you've had to go thru all that.

i forgot to mention, i was talking about my experience in the States - i don't know about any other country.  but, i was in the business a long time ago and don't know how things might have changed now. 

fingers crossed and prayers flying that you get your extension.  i so want you to be able to continue getting help from someone you trust.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

  Gosh thank you again Rainydiary, Armee, Papa Coco and San,

I am so very thankful for the support, the insights, the encouragement each of you provides not to mention each if your stories because you all help me tremendously.   I can feel the support which is a step forward for me. A huge thing actually.

[Armee]

I agree with San. I'm so sorry you are going through this. And I agree with Papa Coco I physically feel riled up on your behalf wanting to combat the insurance co. They give us approval for treatment that is on the short end of what is required for 1 single nonhorrific trauma and then act like there's something wrong with us or our T that we are not better yet. I was on the verge of going into explicit detail of what happened to me to get my request covered I was so angry at them quizzing me about well if you've done CBT for this long and emdr for that long how come you aren't better yet? Uuuuggggggjhhhhh!!!!! Do you want to know what I've been though? You really don't want to hear it.

[Moondance]

Armee, if you want to share and the sharing does not you put in a bad place or trigger you , yes I am all ears/eyes.

If you decide not to share I get it!    to you

[Moondance]

San, yes I am in a different country.  Thank you for the nudge of encouragement though because it led me to other Canadian sites.

Beauty After the Bruises -  possible funding for CPTSD/trauma therapy.

Apply for Aid — Beauty After Bruises
https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/apply-for-a-grant

and

The Accessibility Act (disabilities) (last updated 04-04-23) a subsection of the Canadian Human Rights Act

https://laws-lois.justice.gc.ca/eng/acts/a-0.6/

Thanks again - if any of you know whether or where I should be posting these links elsewhere please let me know.

[Armee]

I'm sorry thay was such a poorly written post I left! That was my cranky inner dialogue when I was dealing with insurance. People who haven't lived this stuff don't want to be confronted with our stories and sometimes I just feel like making people like the insurance companies who are deciding we've had enough therapy I just want to make them have to uncomfortably hear it. All the horrifying details. Then maybe they'd get off their tushes and fight for our coverage.

[Moondance]

Oops sorry Armee,

if okay

[Moondance]

I feel lost today. I feel heavy, a weight.  There are things I need to but will not be doing them today.

I have been having dreams that I can't remember. My body feels they are not good dreams.  This has been happening for the past few weeks. 

I think I've lived in fear most of my life. 

[Armee]

 

No sorries needed, I totally wrote that poorly and in a rush.

You most certainly have lived most of your life in fear on account of the things you went through. Anyone would. 

[Papa Coco]

Moondance,

Days like you're having are so heavy. My heart is with yours. I know that feeling so well. Sometimes I know why it's happening. Other times I have no idea why.

I think of this heaviness as a storm that has come upon me without my permission. Sometimes, all I can do is weather the storm. Hunker down. Drink hot tea or bury myself in a movie or a book. Lay in bed. Do a jigsaw puzzle.

If I could do a jigsaw puzzle with you right now, I would. But here, at least, are a few hugs to let you know I understand what you're going through today. 

I support you for who you are today. (A very wise person taught me that saying).

[Moondance]

Thank you both for your support.  It makes me cry whenever I feel supported.

Some relief felt after talking with a lawyer. In essence the insurance letter was a scare tactic.  It worked. But I now have an understanding of the letter and how little it means for the time being which spells relief for me for now.