FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Moondance]

  I finally figured out  how to use the "Quote" option!!

[natureluvr]

Moondance I want to say kudos to you for so many insights and good steps you are taking as a result of your therapy session! 

What you told us in your post about the CSA incidents - I just want to say shame on the people who did that. Your were a completely innocent child, and they took advantage of your youth, and the way you were already programmed by your FOO.  You have every reason and right to be angry!  I feel angry on your behalf, especially because of the priest, and the Alateen sponsor who took advantage of you.     I truly believe that there is a God, and someday he will call them to account for their unconscionable behavior. 

I resonate very much with being raised to not process emotions, to only do as I was told, no skills for conflict management, etc.  It's a horrible way to raise a child. You deserved so much better than that.

 

[Moondance]

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support Natureluvr - it really means lot to me.

I believe there is a God as well.  I hope he does hold them accountable. Who knows perhaps he already has.

I'm really sorry to hear you resonate with my post about not being allowed to process emotions, to only do as you were told, and not provided tge skills for conflict management.  It made doing life that much more difficult.  You deserved so much better as well Natureluvr- for all those that struggle or struggled with this deserved so, so much more.


 

[Moondance]

I'm feeling super tired, sore and just no energy today.

I did get a lot done yesterday around the house.  There is a lot more. I'm taking a break for today. 

It seems to be all or nothing behaviour and I simply can't overdue it anymore.

I dreamt of an old employer last night.  It was not a good feeling to wake up to.  I can describe it as feeling displaced, rejected which for me brings to the forefront my feelings of unworthiness, that something is and has always been inherently wrong with me.  Absolutely hate that feeling. 

Buttttt I'm in the process of figuring out why I have always felt that way about myself. 

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you as you sort through this.

[Moondance]

Thank you Rainydiary 

[DD]

My heart goes out to you thinking all you've gone through and applaud your courage to get it out into words 

My story is similar in many ways, so it resonates deeply.

That's all I can say now, but I'm here and will read and support you in the ways I can. if it feels supportive to you.

[Moondance]

Thank you DD  :hug:to you back - that means a lot to me. And yes hugs feel supportive and I feel care from them.

I'm so sorry my story resonates with you - hearing that though helps me to feel so not alone. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Moondance,

I read your last few journal entries and I just wanted to say I hear you and am sorry for what you went through growing up.

Sending you support and a hug if it feels right 

dolly

[Moondance]

Thank you Dollyvee - I really appreciate your support and yes hugs do feel supportive even if sometimes I can't seem to take it in at times. 

  back to you if okay

Thank you for hearing me - those words mean so much.

[sanmagic7]

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not being allowed to process emotions, to only do as you were told, and not provided tge skills for conflict management.  It made doing life that much more difficult.

moondance, emotions weren't allowed me, either, from the time i was a baby, i think, except smiling/looking happy.  i developed alexithymia, which meant i could not identify anything i might be feeling, let alone actually feel or express it. (it often goes along w/ autism and i'm on the edge of that spectrum). as you said, it did, indeed, make doing life more difficult.  to this day, most of my feelings are beyond my access, so i don't get to 'feel' happiness or anything else uplifting, either,. so sorry for anyone who's experienced this. love and hugs 

[Moondance]

That resonates with me as well San - the inability to identify, feel or express how I feel. Yep

  Back to to you, always.

[Moondance]

Yesterday was just a non energy day.

I didn't get in the shower til 230 in the afternoon.  My supper consisted of my garden potatoes, Beet tops and beans from my neighbor. 

Around 630 my neighbor, Spin and his wife called and invited me over to play cards in their gazebo.  I found myself saying yes instead of no unusual for me.    Long story short - it was fun for all - we played from 7 to 1230 am.   I really like his wife and I feel safe with her. I sense her motherly love within her.  I've witnessed her relationship with 1 of her sons.  I see she is proud of him, supportive of him and very respectful of him. And she treats her husband well.

This does bring a lot of emotion up - I think in part it's grieving. It's recognizing or seeing how things could have, should have been for us all, for me, for my siblings. I feel sadness for myself but my siblings also.

I don't trust this feeling I'm having and am certain I'll be let down, etc.  I even feel quite silly and want to delete what I've posted thus far - but I won't delete it.

Ahhhhh I know its that parts of me are saying or feeling I can trust her. And other parts are saying no do not trust her.

I'm not yet sure which part is saying what yet.  But I'm now well aware that my trauma brain is going 'crazy' - now known to me as an EF.

enough for now



 

[Armee]

 

[Moondance]

  to you as well Armee

Thinking of you