FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Blueberry]

  Grr on scare tactics.  for relief of knowing that's what's up though.

I used to cry often when I felt supported     Now not so much, so it can change I guess. You're not alone with that anyway.

[Moondance]

Thanks Blueberry,

I have felt this from them throughout,  why I would think this letter was any different I'm not sure.

Your afternoon sounds peaceful/lovely. 

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I resonate with the feelings of heaviness and with overwhelming paperwork.  I hope that some of the heaviness and unease lifts even for a short time

[Moondance]

Just thinking about my siblings and FOO.

***(POSSIBLE) TRIGGER WARNING***


I don't think it's a coincidence that each of us has experienced SA.  I have always believed that my M was SA when she was younger and possibly as an adult.  Aside from the severe physical abuse she endured at the hands of her M.  That makes sense or "fits" in so many ways. 

I have always felt an underlying sense that there was sexual dysfunction in my FOO.  I've not been able to identify it just a feeling. 

[Moondance]

Thank you Rainydiary - so appreciated 

I still have to fill out some paperwork but I  was releaved to some degree that I don't have to worry about anything right at the moment.

[sanmagic7]

yay! for relief.   so good to get a break from worries.   i'm glad for you, moondance.

sad that SA kind of runs in your family.  that sucks.  as far as your 'feeling', i don't doubt you are correct.  those 'feelings' we have from time to time are usually spot on, mainly because, in my opinion, we know the vibe of that sort of situation and can sense it. we are familiar w/ the particular type of energy that accompanies such situations.  hang tough, ok? hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Thank you San.  Back at you

After reading numerous posts this morning it occurred to me I need to start from the beginning.  Well the beginning I remember that is.

There are years I don't remember and now I find it to much to go start. 

I think I'll do nothing again today.  So many things I should be doing even though I hate should.

Most likely I will have to sell my place which I have been at for 13 + years.  I love my place - I live in a rural area that is very quiet, very peaceful.  I have neighbors but don't hear much from them which is perfect for me.  I spend most of my time inside these days. 

I feel overwhelmed at the thought of moving.  I haven't kept up with the cleaning for the past few years.  That in itself is overwhelming but to think of the selling process is terrifying. I should sit down and figure out the financial advantages/disadvantages of selling and renting as opposed to a mortgage.  Renting means less privacy, more noise, closer neighbors, less control but less cost more than likely.

Yesterday I had good intentions to get up and "get at it" this morning.  But I am glued to the couch.

[rainydiary]

I often find that "doing nothing" is actually doing a lot in terms of giving us rest and time to process.  I wish you well sorting out how you plan to move forward.

[Blueberry]

After reading numerous posts this morning it occurred to me I need to start from the beginning.  Well the beginning I remember that is.

There are years I don't remember and now I find it to much to go start. 

I think I'll do nothing again today.  So many things I should be doing even though I hate should.

Most likely I will have to sell my place which I have been at for 13 + years.  I love my place - I live in a rural area that is very quiet, very peaceful.  I have neighbors but don't hear much from them which is perfect for me.  I spend most of my time inside these days. 

I feel overwhelmed at the thought of moving.  I haven't kept up with the cleaning for the past few years.  That in itself is overwhelming but to think of the selling process is terrifying. I should sit down and figure out the financial advantages/disadvantages of selling and renting as opposed to a mortgage.  Renting means less privacy, more noise, closer neighbors, less control but less cost more than likely.

Yesterday I had good intentions to get up and "get at it" this morning.  But I am glued to the couch.

I'm reading a lot of overwhelm in your post. I would feel overwhelmed too. I've just been through a move and although I'm better settled than I was a few weeks ago, I'm still settling and haven't even finished unpacking or setting up. e.g. lots of books as yet unpacked because not all shelving on walls yet. It has been a lot of work and upheaval.

Today you're glued to the couch. In my experience, there's usually a reason or two for feeling glued to the couch - I usually get stuck in bed in fact, but pretty much same thing. Today - well in my version of the forum it's showing 'today' - maybe it was last night for you, but anyway very recently you wrote about FOO and SA - ime that's the kind of realisation which would certainly allow some of us on here to freeze on the couch or similar for a while. I think that kind of realisation does a big number on some or most of us maybe even. If not applicable to you, take with a large pinch of salt.

Then, based on posts you read here you're thinking you need to start from the beginning, meaning to write out everything from the beginning? If I'm understanding that correctly, I want to give you a gentle reminder that just because 'everybody else' on here is writing their story out of from the beginning, doesn't mean now is the right time for you. I've never written my story out from the beginning, nor have any Ts ever suggested it, except one where I ditched him after 3 sessions for a number of reasons. So also just because a lot of people may seem to be doing it atm, doesn't mean everybody on the forum does or that it's the correct move for everybody at some point in their healing lives.

I also agree with rainy that "doing nothing" can actually be doing a lot. Things work away in our subconscious and that in itself is often very tiring, as such it means some part of us is actually doing a lot. I used to find that after phases of seemingly doing nothing or being stuck in bed, 'things' would come up to the surface. In my case, it was usually realisations and not memories, but for others it might be memories. That's all hard-going.

for resting on the sofa.

[Bach]

Hi Moondance.  Don't be hard on yourself for being glued to the couch.  You are dealing with a lot.  Resting and recharging is important, and no more so than when you have big things to deal with. 

I tried to start at the beginning a few years ago but it was just too much.  Since then I've been doing my best to just write it down as it comes. 

Sending you lots of good thoughts 

[Armee]

Hi Moondance. It's so cruel for the insurance cos to put you through the ringer. I hope it gets straightened out.

I wanted to say please please don't feel the need to write from the beginning. If it's helpful for you, yes, of course, but not because it feels that's what you're supposed to do. When I've tried writing anything from the beginning it quickly overwhelms me. Unless I'm dissociated. Which is also a problem. You share what you need to and are ready to but please know we understand you and what you are going through without needing to know the details of what you went through. We are all here because we have the same constellation of symptoms and struggles and similar complex trauma histories.

[Moondance]

Thank you all for your support/encouragement and very helpful suggestions.  Your posts mean a lot.

You are all so right, I'm not able to start from beginning.  My own mind sabotaging me? OMG this is so awful.  Anyway that made me really stuck. I think I am unstuck at the moment.

.............

This is the 2nd time I'm off work on long term
Disability.  I did not want to accept that I was really ill and unable to work the 1st time and therefore accepted a new position with different company.

This time however i see it, feel it, dream it and am consumed with it at times. 

I was physically ill and exhausted when my family physician suggested I take a couple of weeks off.  I was getting nose bleeds and spitting out blood clots, I was weak and having  a difficult time staying awake, I was very pale and felt like I was going to pass out at anytime.   I was in such a fog and dissociated state that I didn't even realize at that point how bad off I was.  I was in this world but really was not. 

All I've known is work, work has been my life.  I placed a lot of importance and value in my career. This pattern was established at a very young age. I had to produce, be productive if I didn't,  who was I?  I took great pride in my work.  It was the one thing I felt I was doing that was worthwhile and I was believed I was really good at what I did.    This does not come from an egotistical point of view I dont think.  My work experience in this field started at the age of 22 but I also studied in this field.  I will be 62 shortly so that is 38-40 years.   So for me to give in, agree with doc to take time off  (different doc 1st time around) was really difficult.   In part,  because I also knew deep down that this was it, I most likely wouldn't be going back to work nor did I know whether I would be covered by insurance company as I was employed there for just a short time. 

I emailed HR and the supervisor a copy of doctors letter mid 2022 and I remain off work due to CPTSD, major depression/anxiety and ADD.  There was gaslighting, bullying and sexual triggers from the get go at this place of employment. I fought it and didn't want to let go.   I submitted a request for short term disability.  This was not an easy feat (and usually isn't)  as the insurance companies take advantage of the fact you are down and out, whether consciously or not the system seems to be set up that way.  I was able to find an advocate to help/support me durjng thisvprocessvsince I did not have the wherewithal to do it on my own.

It took almost 3 months to get paid and when they paid me the payment was short by approx. $7k. 

After 3 months of short term disability I was not ready or able to return to work.  I then began the process of applying for long term disability.  During this time I was having to see my family physician 2-3 times a week to fill out paperwork/forms and tests to eliminate any possible physical issues.  I received a psychiatrist assessment 2 1/2 mths in.   These doc appointments and tests were extremely difficult as I needed to  sleep from the exhaustion.  I was in crisis and in need of help.  I did not want to go anywhere for fear of additional triggers.  I was in so much pain I did not want to add any further triggers/traumas.  I did not feel safe anywhere but at home, inside my home.  I didn't even feel safe going outside on my porch for fear someone would say something or just see me and make judgment.  During the 1st 3 months of being off work I stayed  in touch with 2 co-workers only to finally realize these 2 were part of the gaslighting/manipulative/lying * . I also felt rejected, abandoned and shut out after I  spoke my truth.   One of these 2 was a close friend or so I thought.  Yet another trigger specific to my difficulties with attachment (I'm not sure this is the correct terminology). 

I once again found myself shut down.

The 1st time I was off work (a different employer) was initially due to surgery for the removal of precancerous lump.  It was strongly suggested that I receive radiation which I did.  My mental state took a fast decline when I think back on it.  This was a month before Covid hit us all.  I believe the Covid isolation played a part with my already shaky mental health.  I worked from home as my immune system was compromised.

[sanmagic7]

hey, moondance, trying to make the system work for us is always a challenge.  you're not alone w/ this.  and, yeah, covid has played havoc w/ our states of mind. 

i'm glad you were able to see that starting from the beginning is not the best for you right now.  maybe someday, but this is your healing, your progress, your way of being as kind to yourself as possible.  too many others have been unkind to us.  i think we deserve a break from it even if we're the only ones who can see that.  bed, computer games, cards, puzzles, couch - whatever works.  as someone has said, and i've read it often here, this, too, shall pass.  hang tough, ok?  hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Thanks San  - it's nice to know someone who I can hang out with 

The SC and SH in me is still very strong and debilitating at times. 

I am working at it.  Today I gave myself a pedicure and that feels good. 

I've been doing "not much of anything " for months now.  Im not bored with it just seems very unproductive.  But as you say, this to shall pass and I need to learn to be not be so judgmental towards myself.   So, yes computer games and TV at the same time to drown out busyness in my head. 

Safe, virtual hugs back at you 

[Moondance]

I feel better today - a bit of energy, even though it's possibly nervous energy.  I will use it to get something done today.

I haven't juiced in years but this morning I will make a kale, carrot, apple, ginger juice.
Hopefully that equates to more energy yet for tomorrow.

Lots of thoughts going through my head this morning.  I usually read daily posts here and I value each one.  I'm not responding as much as I was but I think that is because I'm taking  in all this new information.

I have Peter Walker's book and have had it for a bit.  I find it difficult to take it all in, concentrating/ distraction is an issue.
I hope to do some reading today.