FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Moondance]

  Natureluvr,
I'm doing okay and thank you for asking Natureluvr.

I don't know that's its self awareness lol might be simply too tired to try but thank you your support means a lot to me.

I've been posting mostly in my private journal on this forum.  I really want to get some of this stuff out of me.

Hope all is well with you. 

I recently removed myself from a What's app christian group I belonged to -  I kept receiving messages, platitudes really that just continue the feeling or cycle of guilt, shame etc etc. 

Nope I'm done with it until I can feel stronger and reject it without removing  myself entirely.  For the time being I have to concentrate on my safety, trauma brain safety.  Whether good or bad choice it's my choice and for me that feels empowering.

  

[natureluvr]

Moondance, I'm proud of you for removing yourself from a group that perpetuates shame and guilt.  I think you made a good choice.  I'm doing well, thank you for asking.  I think I may also join the private journaling group. 

[Papa Coco]

Moondance,

I'm also proud of you for removing yourself from the religious site. It's been my experience that healing happens when people accept us for who we are and what we're going through. All too often, faith-based groups have, rather than accepting me for my pain and struggles, they pretty much told me how I was supposed to feel and believe. It was, for me, invalidating. Perpetuating shame and guilt comes from constantly making me feel like I'm not okay as I am and I need to be what they tell me to be.

It sounds silly, but sometimes I like to impersonate the old cartoon character I grew up with, Popeye, who used to say "I am what I am and that's all I am."  People who accept me for that have helped me. People who've indicated that it's not okay to be who I am and that I need to follow their doctrines have not helped me.

I recently took a short class on happiness. The host posted a quote from someone that said true happiness is found in those of us who are our authentic selves. As a person with CPTSD, I tend to be a people pleaser, which makes me happy while I'm being accepted for my actions, but then makes me feel used and abused and unloved later.  I don't know for sure what my authentic self looks like, but I'm allowing myself to truly respect those who I come across who aren't afraid to show the world who they are, no matter how much criticism they take from the public.

I grew up in a time when every single aspect of my clothing and haircut was to be in conformity with the general public. I was just talking with my wife last night about it. Our grandson wants a particular haircut, and we both acknowledged that our hair cuts weren't optional when we were kids in the 1960s and 1970s. If my hair was too short I was accused of being a skinhead. If my hair was too long I was accused of being a sissy. Back then, my mother made my shirts and then made my cutoffs out of old pants I'd outgrown. She cut them off halfway up the thigh. That got me mercilessly tormented in public because other boys were wearing super short shorts. My wife said that she once wore a scarf to school and took abuse because she'd tied the knot on the wrong side.

We were raised to conform, not to be our authentic selves. And now look at my wife and I. Both traumatized and afraid to be who we are around our peers. My wife bought me a kilt for my birthday this year. NO WAY will I wear it where anyone can see me. I'm way too traumatized by having been tortured for decades if I dared be different or bold in public. So, my current theme right now is I'm trying to discover my authentic self and I'm trying to work up the courage to be who I am rather than who people tell me to be.

[Moondance]

Thank you both - I found it difficult to do for sure but know it was the right thing to do.

I feel the same Papa Coco - I feel I've been beaten down to a pulp emotionally countless times.

No wonder we are people pleasers and have difficulty with knowing our authentic self.

Good for you PC - I stand with you in discovering your authentic self.
I'm cheering for both of you 

[Moondance]

I had a chat with my cousin, let's call her D.

She is the only family member I speak with.  I have strict boundaries that anything about me not be shared with others, whether family or not.

One the main reasons I choose to speak with her is because she is trauma informed - it feels somewhat safe.

Anyway she mentioned a book called, "what happened to You" by Dr. Bruce D Perry and Oprah.



Has anyone read it?

[Papa Coco]

I have not read What Happened To You but it's a great title. Complex PTSD is confusing because so many of us didn't know we were being gaslighted when it was happening. We need a little help making sense of it all.

I'm glad to hear you have a cousin who you can remain connected with. Going No Contact with family was tough for me to do because I didn't hate everyone in it. Having a cousin to keep contact with must feel kind of good.

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I'm glad you have that family member and that they respect your boundaries.

[Moondance]

PC it does feel good to be connected to someone in FOO but
there is a risk.  Well I guess there's a risk with anything we do.

The only thing is I think it also keeps me connected somehow to the rest of the family.  I literally can feel the strings pulling at my heart for the rest of my FOO.  I miss being part of which is weird because I never really felt part of.  Very confusing to me these feelings towards or about FOO.

Thank you Rainydiary - I appreciate that. 

**************

My cousin will be celebrating her 60th this month.  She was with me on my 60th a couple of years ago.  She shared with me a couple of weeks ago how all she wanted for her birthday was to be with all of her immediate family but because of current dynamics within her family that will not be happening.

I asked her how she would feel about me coming for a visit for her birthday.  She said yes and she called a friend to see if we could stay at their cottage for the week.  So I booked a flight to go for a week.  I'll be flying out Sept 25 and back October 1. 

I did get cancellation insurance because I'm just not sure and as much as I want to be there for her birthday I don't know for sure if I'll make it without falling apart before the time comes.

D texted this morning and kind of gave me the low down on what the tentative plan is. 

She will pick me up at the airport and we will go straight to the lake/cottage.  On her birthday day she gave me the choice to either have her mom (my mother's sister) & husband and uncle Yves (my mother's brother) and his SO join us at the cottage to celebrate her birthday or meet them at a restaurant and if not she would meet with them and I would/could stay at the cottage. 

Sounds pretty good and considerate towards me.

So I had to think about and make a decision and I find that really difficult, emotional and painful.  I've been on the verge of a good cry ever since.

A just left for a bike ride so I feel I can now let go if I need to.

I don't think either my aunt or uncle have anything to do with my mother.  I just think I could not keep it together emotionally meeting up with them.  Nor do I want them to see me as I am now. 

My throat is soar from trying not to cry.  I'm eating to keep it together while I'm typing.

I really am not or do not like myself or where I'm at. And I'm so very angry at the moment at all this stuff. I'm also sad and very tired.