FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Bach]

Moondance, I shudder thinking about that.  It's a violation.  I'm sorry you had to experience it.  It reminds me of things that my M did and I feel you very much when you say you can't understand why or how.  I am standing with you 

[Moondance]

I'm also being reminded of the crazy making lying, manipulations by so many.  I now doubt myself all the time.  I think that's the main reason I choose to isolate because then my brain doesn't have to go back and forth wondering if it's me, do I need to apologize, take responsibility for something  or maybe it's not my problem at all.  But pretending everything is okay is a trigger for me, this I know now.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with preferring to be away from others because it eliminates all the navigating of dynamics. 

[Moondance]

Yes Rainydiary 

[Hope67]

Hi Moondance,
I read some of your journal for the first time today, and wanted to say that I am glad you're here, and I also wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok   
Hope 

[Armee]

I so relate to the crazy making lying and manipulations. I didn't learn to recognize them until about a year before my M died. My sister could always see them even as a young kid. Once I saw them it was shocking how frequent and predictable they were. Like one thing could happen and then I could predict my mom's next 2 crazy lies and manipulations precisely. Ugh. Makes me want to explode thinking about it even now!

But yeah growing up like that is a form of brainwashing and takes some deprogramming. I have noticed - with a lot of sadness and care toward you - how often you doubt yourself and think you've done something wrong here, even though you've been an amazing support. It is sad.

I still do that too but it's a lot better now, less intense and less frequent. Perhaps you could practice here giving yourself the benefit of the doubt? You can even keep truth checking with us when you are feeling worried about whether you've done something "wrong" but perhaps even give yourself the benefit of the doubt when you do that, to start training that automatic response? Something like "I'm worried I said something wrong, but I think that worry might be from my history with my M. But I want to double check. Did I accidentally offend you?" That way you start to doubt the doubt, which is what deserves the doubt, not you.

You are extremely kind and gentle and valued. I wish all our parents had not taken advantage of these traits in us to manipulate and brainwash us, but they did.

[Moondance]

 

Thank you for the warm welcome Hope67.

I appreciate your virtual hug 🫂  back at you.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Papa Coco]

That was so intrusive of your M to do that. It's good to read that you understand the intrusiveness and you're not just taking blame for it. That's a strong step forward.

Here's another hug from another human being who knows the sting of parents who routinely tromp on our boundaries, and who humiliate us without remorse.  SHAME ON THEM! Not on us. We're the innocent prey here. They're the calloused aggressors...the bullies.

[Moondance]

The past few days have been really difficult. 

I've been unable to write in my journal because I'm overwhelmed, no doubt EF's.  I have searched out ways to better deal with EF's so that it takes less time for me to recover.  This will take time and practice.

My session with T this morning was good.  We were able to identify the EF's and work through it.  I clearly heard T say and i understood that the "crazy" thoughts in my head are because my adult self and my child(s) self are both thinking, reacting at the same time making it impossible for me to respond/react because both want to respond causing a quagmire in my head.  This is my explanation of what she basically said but I understand it, that's the main thing. 

I also realized, through this session with T why I'm so frustrated, so impatient with myself all the time, to the point of raging at myself.    Aside from the IC in me it's because of the years of suppressed anger.  I realize that even in abusive situations I remained kind. And even after the fact I remained kind.  I've always been kind, I know this and I believe that because I'm so kind it has allowed further abuse.  I'm so * at myself for being so * kind. Having said that I don't know how else to be.  I've also felt really good about myself for being a kind gentle soul, especially after all that I've been through.  It is either quite amazing that this part of me remains in me or perhaps it's just really stupid and mad.  Or maybe it's just that it was so engrained in me that I know no other way.

I continue to read numerous posts but simply don't have the energy for anything else and for that I feel sad. I do realize I must look after myself first. I learn so much from you all - thank you.

So this week my plan is to go driving, cranking up the volume and let some of this suppressed anger out.  Will see how that goes!

Arrested Relational Development- arises when someone is unable or unwilling to protect, take care of, or address the emotional vulnerability they are experiencing due to concerns for physical safety or emotional expression.

I read the above definition this week and it so resonates with me. At today's session with T we also discussed this and I acknowledge this huge struggle.

[Papa Coco]

Moondance,

I have felt some similar feelings. I too remain kind no matter what. I can curse up a storm at people when I'm alone, or locked away in the safety of my own car or my own home, but when it's time to confront, I fawn all over my "enemies" and give them every chance to behave nicely. I have given away my power, my money, my back bedrooms, etc, to people who didn't deserve my kindness but got it anyway. I've been called everything from a weak, ball-less man to a bleeding heart, but in the end, I'm always glad that I've erred on the side of kindness rather than bullying to get my way.  Every now and then I find out that someone I knew years ago, never forgot the kindness I gave them. Whenever this happens, I feel like all the suffering I did for being too kind, was worth it.  I know that for me, I'd rather be a nail than a hammer. I want to live my life having never hurt anyone. That's impossible to accomplish fully, but to accomplish it even partially is a win.

The best thing I did for myself was to read a few books on sociopaths. Some of these books are short, easy reads, others are more in debth.  Somehow, for me to truly learn how simple and predictable people with anti-social behaviors (Narcissists, Sociopaths, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPDs), etc.) really are, has helped me to see them so clearly that I naturally stop being too kind to THEM. Being really well versed on knowing how hateful they really are gives me the permission deep within me to stop being too kind to them. I can feel them reaching into my head and pullling out my lunch money, so my natural inclination to be kind to them seems to be easier to control.

This way, I can still be kind to people who don't present with Narcissistic tendencies. I can still be kind to everyone else while feeling no guilt in not giving a narcissist my lunch money.

The books I like to recommend, from the easiest read to the more detailed are: 1) In Sheep's Clothing, by Dr. George K Simon. 2) Emotional Vampires, by Albert Bernstein, and 3) The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout. These books are all easy reads and have opened my eyes to the presence of narcissism, so clearly that I say I can now smell a narcissist from two blocks away. Just being able to see them clearly has given me the power to ignore them completely, and to focus my kindness on people who aren't trying to screw me over to take what's mine.

But for today, I hope you really enjoy driving around with the radio turned up high. That just sounds like a great way to blow off some steam and maybe see some sights. Take some roads you aren't familiar with so you can explore a new world while de-stressing from the old world.

Have some fun with the de-stressing drive!

[Moondance]

Thank you for relating PC and for the support. Reading that someone relates and your shared experience gives me a sense of relief.

I also really appreciate the book referrals which I will look into. 

[Moondance]

My brother texted this morning asking if I am up to a call today.  Definitely not up to a call today or naybe never.   The last time we spoke a had a feeling he was upset with me and I suspect he is not being honest with me.
Although I said no, not a good time for me.  I am unable and have no desire to xause myself further hurt right now. And then i wonder maybe he'll never ask again. Why would I have concern about that I wonder since I really don't want to speak with him anyway.  His words are violent.  He was violent.  I recall our lives being threatened as we barricaded ourselves behind the door, pulling the table, chairs to door to stop him from coming inside. I have to be in a better state to speak with him. But he is my blood, I should be able to talk with him. I feel guilt and shame when I know I really should not. 

The only reason we reconnected is because F passed in October.  When we did reconnect I requested he keep our conversation confidential.  He has not.

I understand why he is the way he is.   He is the opposite of me.  It is the same reason I am the way I am. 

I am really struggling with removing my prior post.  I keep telling myself, right or wrong, will written or not, sense or no sense I need to honour myself  and leave it.  Fear of rejection here is real for me.

[Papa Coco]

Moondance,

Whatever you decide to do, I support you 1000%.

If it were me, I'd ignore him.

I'm estranged from my FOO, so I know the joy of being free from them. But I remember how incredibly painful it was to walk away and change all my phone numbers and email addresses. So that's why I say that if you choose to take a call from him, I'll support you in that too. Estrangement is a deep issue, that brings up all the emotions of the human experience.

You owe him nothing. If he took the same abuse you did, and chose to become a monster, then that's just who he is. A monster. It was his choice to be cruel and condescending. Let him live with it. In true estrangements, I don't even recommend telling them why. ANY contact is like any fish trying to eat the bait without being hooked by the steal hook hidden within.

Hollywood has given us countless movies where the bad sibling softens and apologizes in the end. That's BullSt. In real life, Ebenezer Scrooge never becomes nice in the end. It's been my experience that once a bully, always a bully.

You said he didn't respect your privacy the last time you talked with him. So, again, I personally had to estrange from the entire family because anyone I talked with shared everything I said (and usually out of context to make me look like a bad person).

If you choose to talk with him, I support you because I know the pain of estrangement. If you choose to not answer the text or the phone, I support you because I know that for me, in my own life, my family meant me harm. They had me to within 15 minutes of suicide the last time I ever talked with them. I had to make the choice; My FOO or my life. I chose my life.

[Moondance]

 
Wow validation means so much right now. Wow and that you support me either way means just as much. 

I choose not to speak with him because I do not need to feel any crazier than I already do.

This is how I feel with my FOO