FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Moondance]

Hi Rainydiary- thank you! Yes I did make it to the garden and really enjoyed it.  I did have to compensate physically to get things done but so thankful I was able to figure out how to get things done.  Bending and getting  back up is quite difficult.

Hi Naturuvr - I am so sorry for you that my story resonates with you.  I so don't wish this on anyone.  I am thankful in a way though because I don't feel so alone and hopefully you don't as well since joining the forum.
I so appreciate your post.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry for your loss of the chance at motherhood, Moondance. So much was taken. Makes me want to scream in anger and also to wrap you up in a big hug. 

[Moondance]

Aww thank you Armee.  I felt the warmth of your post and thank you for the big hug.

A warm big hug back to you Armee. 

[sanmagic7]

i think gardening was a great way to spend the day, moondance.  i'm watching my little seedlings come up right now.  it's very grounding for me. 

sometimes this whole 'family is the most important' thing is way over-emphasized.  for some of us, family has caused us more pain than anyone else.  like you w/ your mom, i've been separated from my eldest D1 (my choice) for over 7 1/2 yrs., and altho i have an ache in my heart, i know that trying to jump back in would only result in terrible distress and abuse for me.  staying strong right beside you.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Hi Sanmagic7,

sometimes this whole 'family is the most important' thing is way over-emphasized.  for some of us, family has caused us more pain than anyone else.  like you w/ your mom, i've been separated from my eldest D1 (my choice) for over 7 1/2 yrs., and altho i have an ache in my heart, i know that trying to jump back in would only result in terrible distress and abuse for me.  staying strong right beside you.  love and hugs


I so agree with you Sannagic7 (love your name!) It has been over-emphasized. I so relate when you say, "I have an ache in my heart and know that jumping back in would cause terrible distress".   Thank you for your validation. For your care and standing beside me. This means a lot to me.   


I'm pretty certain i am not alone in this - because of our terrible FOO i believe that many of us feel the longing and ache for a "whole" family?   It interesting to me that after all I have gone through with my FOO that I have, throughout my life, have really valued family.  And I think that's why it was so important to me to have my own family.  A husband, children- looking back know I think, thank goodness I did not, especially children, because I was too affected and would have passed it all on.

This brings me to a thought about my long term relationship with S.  I will call him Sam. I will post about this once in a lifetime relationship.  The only long term relationship I have had. 

I never get tired of saying thank you to you all, this forum, Kizzie for all your hard work. I so appreciate you sharing your stories which I am learning so much from. 

[sanmagic7]

moondance, i feel the same way about my D's not having children - so glad they didn't.  both of them have been wounded, and there is a great deal of mental illness in my family, some of which was unknown until much later.  so, we have the families we have, and i include this forum as part of that.  family of choice - i've heard that term for many years, and i'm living it in real time now.  most of my FOO is dead, so that problem's been taken off the board for me years ago. 

also, thank you for being here.  you're a valuable member.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

I think I dissociate more than I'm aware of.

I think that because I lose spaces of time.  I forget so much.

I feel really exhausted again, still?  I didn't wake up til 1030 this morning and have no energy to do anything. I think I'll to back to sleep. That feels easiest right now.

[Moondance]

I decided to try to draw imagine of person in last night's dream. She doesn't look at all like me.    It was a strange dream.  I want to keep track of my dreams.

In the dream, there were several rooms, the rooms were outside, surrounded by trees, blue skies and shrubs.  I dont recall flowers and i love flowers.  There were only 3 walls for each room, allowing me to see inside each room.  Each room had cages with hundreds of monkeys in each room.  There were both adult and child monkeys. 

One child monkey came to me, she wanted to be saved.  I held her tight in my arms. This makes me cry, perhaps it is someone I know.perhaps it's me.  Not sure.

The imagine I drew and I don't draw is of a young woman, dark features against her pale skin, she had a nose ring and wore red, colorful clothing.  She had so much love to give, she wanted to save all the monkeys, each and everyone, both adult and child monkeys.  She knew she could only save the one(s) who came to her.  Everytime she approached and reached out they ran away.

I named the drawing, "Seriously saving the monkeys". 

[natureluvr]

Moondance I think it's great that you are tuned into and paying attention to your dreams.  I personally believe our dreams are a deep part of us - at least they are for me. 

"One child monkey came to me, she wanted to be saved.  I held her tight in my arms. This makes me cry, perhaps it is someone I know.perhaps it's me.  Not sure." 

My first thought was, perhaps this monkey represents your inner child, but I don't know.  I think it's lovely and healthy that you held this child monkey tight in your arms. 

"She had so much love to give, she wanted to save all the monkeys, each and everyone, both adult and child monkeys.  She knew she could only save the one(s) who came to her.  Everytime she approached and reached out they ran away."

This shows wisdom here, that only the ones who come to us can be saved. 

[Moondance]

I agree with you Natureluvr, I believe the child I held in my dream is my inner child.

The monkeys that run away, well I'm not sure they all need saving, I wonder if it's my fear of abandonment showing up?  It is a vicious circle it seems, fear of abandonment, attachment issues, boundary issues, 

I feel really numb, perhaps doing too muchor thinking too much.  I have been sleeping even more than usual.

My therapy under insurance company is done and I've submitted a request for funding.  It is quite possible that having completed therapy under insurance company my body is taking yet another breath.  It seems i don't realize it when I'm under stress, only when that stress is removed do I notice that oh yeah that was not good at all.

[Moondance]

It doesn't take much for my thoughts to get muddled. 

***Possible TW***


There was an issue with my TV, streaming device.  Anyway I had it set in my mind what the problem was.  When I tried to explain the issue on the phone I thought I was clear headed.  The person on the phone tried to explain how they interpreted the issue.  I've experienced this before where I believe I have an understanding of something and someone is trying to explain otherwise.

This time I let go of my understanding of how things are/work more readily.  I apologized for my muddled head.  I sensed she was anxious to get of the line with me.  I don't blame her.  I understand how I express myself is, not sure what, uncomfortable, anxiety ridden, agitated, nonsensical.

I haven't always been readily wanting to let go of my own understanding of whatever.

I recall a recurring dream, every single night,  I used to have around the age of 10-12.  Not sure whether the dream is connected but at the age of 12 I no longer wanted to live.

Dream - I'm falling off a bridge into a body of water.  The weeds rap around my legs, pulling me down, I fight with all my might, every single night for a couple of years, each time waking up in fear, my body was afraid.  I, myself did not recall the dream, nor did I think I was afraid,  until years later I remembered the dream and how I stopped having the dream.  When I say I didn't recall the dream until years later I mean I knew I was having a dream but didn't really consciously recall it.  Not sure how to explain this.  I became more conscious the longer I had the dream.

Anyway, one night, after having this dream for a couple of years i was so used to having the dream that i expected the dream every night.   Not sure exactly when the dream started for sure. Was it 2 years, 1 year or more than 2 years...muddled.

I decided I would let the weeds pull me down, let myself drown in the dream.  I did not wake up in fear. I recall feeling free. I stopped fighting.  I did drown in the dream and the dream drowned because I never had the dream again.

[Moondance]

Reminder to self, I am safe right now. Rest in that you are safe little Moondance.

[sanmagic7]

yes, little moondance, you are safe right now.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Thank you Sanmagic7 

[Moondance]

I'm not sure if I should post this or how to.

I am having overwhelming feelings of shame, embarrassment,  anxiety, abandonment, doubt  bout myself etc, etc. 

This has come up for me on this forum a couple of times because i do have a lot of doubt about my thoughts; what is real and what isn't.

I find this incredibly difficult and upsetting.  I always feel I do things or say things that pushes people away.

I guess I need validation or confirmation either way.  Please be gentle as I feel I'm breaking in half typing this. 

I believe this is so upsetting for me because this forum and you all mean something to me but more importantly it is my only way to interact with others on this whole planet.

Having said that it occurred to me that this fear and all these feelings perhaps are in part a result of my attachment issues.

I have huge difficulty being vulnerable about my insecurities, doubts as I have not had good experiences - hence the difficulty I guess.

Now I'm going around in circles so I will leave it at that.

I really don't mean to push people away but always do, somehow.  I need to know the somehow so I can stop or be better.

Darn it all and I feel awful for even writing above.  I feel I have to to get to the other side if that makes sense.