The Lost Child

[Moondance]

I wrote this sometime ago....in 1990, long before I knew I had CPTSD, long before I knew anything about it. 

The Lost Child

An ocean of tears
Has been building for years
So many relationships
Family, lovers, friendships
Damaged. Lost, relinquished

Feeling abandoned
Yet knowing
There is something
Wrong
With me
Not them

Greater and greater the fears
Paranoid and defensive
Up and down I go
Something terrible is happening
The pain, exploding
Where does it all come from?

Be strong
You can do it
Reach out
You can do it
Be kind, be loving
You can do it

Tired, very very tired
Please love me
Somebody
I am but a child
In a woman's body
Mommy? Daddy?

[Bermuda]

Wow, so much feeling in such a short text. It's amazing how you were able to realise so much before you knew what it was. I clicked on this post because I was the lost child in my family dynamic. I am curious if that title was a coincidence or if you knew that too.


So much blame and shame, but it's not you. It was truly not you. I think I could comment on every line of this text. I am just so curious about how you feel about it now, looking back. Do you feel differently?

[Kizzie]

I'm curious like Bermuda, would you change the line about something being wrong with you not them now that you know you were abused Moondance?

Here's a group hug for little you  who was so alone, I hope it helps even a little.

[Moondance]

Bermuda and Kizzie,

Thank you for reading and responding

I strongly feel that I am still a child in a woman's body.  At the time, I didn't know why or what it was about really.  I realize know I was talking about my inability to be in relationship with anyone.   I didn't (still don't) have the required tools.  I find it amazing though that I actually wrote these feelings down. 

When I wrote the poem I was 28, I had been in councelling, part of 12 step groups, one being for Adult Children of Alcoholics.  It is quite possible "The Lost Child" topic was mentioned in there somewhere. I don't recall that per say but that doesn't really mean anything since my memory is very spotty. 

I am now able to put more responsibility on FOO.  As an "adult" I have tried for years though to change, get better, be better to no avail.  I have been really hard on myself for not being able to "fix" myself.   Of course I couldn't- OMG - since learning about CPTSD I now get it and I'm sure will get it more as I go deeper / learn more.   Now that I'm learning about CPTSD I am understanding why I struggled so so much throughout my life. Gosh it amazes me that at 28 I was feeling so so tired already and I went another 33 yrs before crumbling.   WOW!!

[Moondance]

Kizzie 

Thank you for the hug Kizzie,  it helps a lot.     my little self can feel it.   

In my initial responses I try to cover/respond to everything but it's like I'm still not "here" and miss stuff. I certainly don't mean to, ugh!!

[Armee]

You are amazingly strong to have been able to keep going.

Keep going, with kindness. 

It is amazing you managed so long. I crashed at 44. Trauma treatment has come so far though that I hope I can pick myself back up and return to work in a few years. Hopefully you can recover enough that you can have a fulfilling retirement. 

[Moondance]

Armee,

I so wish and hope that for you, truly, truly, truly.

I appreciate the wish you have for me Armee.     perhaps I will have the hope of that someday. 

This forum has been so good for me.

I think/feel you guys are all very awesome

[Bermuda]

Moondance I am so amazed at your ability to identify a problem and seek help, especially then. That is really amazing.

At 28 I definitely knew there was something, but I couldn't have found the strength to address it. I was also so worried about the stigma of seeking help and I can only imagine that would have been so much harder in the early 90s.

You must be so strong.

[Moondance]

Hi Bermuda,

Thank you for your validation - it means a lot to me.   

I didn't feel strong at the time but I think I was stronger then than I am now for sure.

****Possible trigger warning for domestic violence****






I was "encouraged" by employer at the age of 22 or so to seek help as I was showing up at work with "markings".    At my 3 mth review, although my work was really good they said, the "markings" and the crying were distracting to others in the office, they were concerned for me.  I believe this changed the trajectory of my life.  They said that they would pay me 3 mths severance pay if I left the situation and got help.  So that is what I did. With the help of  a couple of people, I moved out, and that's when I started the counseling.  There was still a lot of dysfunction in me and people around me for many years after that but I think it would have been much worse had that employer not cared or given me a chance.  I have not ever forgotten that manager and how she helped.  She was the amazing one for sure.

Thanks for your response, taking the time to read,  support and validation. 

[Armee]

 

[Bach]

Your poem made me feel understood.  Thank you for sharing 

[Moondance]

That means a lot to me Bach, so glad it did.

[BecomingMe]

It's an old post and not sure if you'll see the reply but I just read this now Moondance. I can really resonate with your poem and your story and just wanted to offer a hug  I'm struggling myself at the moment and reading this just made me want to wrap my arms around you. I hope you're in a better place. I know that only others with similar experiences can ever understand the pain of what we went through AND the deep pain that seems to be a necessary part of real healing. It's so hard but it does help knowing I'm not alone and I hope you continue to find some solace in that too. Stay strong!

[Moondance]

  BecomingMe

I really appreciate you sharing that you resonate with "The Lost Child", my story.  I welcome and accept your hug - much appreciated.

[woodsgnome]

Your title -- "Lost Child" -- really says it perfectly, as does the other points reflected in your heartfelt words.

Yes, there are ups and downs, and lots of platitudes along the way. Yet none of that seems to work, other than in brief nudges maybe. The original wounds never seem to wholly disappear, but some of us are able to find some openings in our broken hearts, too. That it can take so long -- yeah, frustrating.

I'm babbling away now, a sad trait I easily fall into (prob a remnant of all the decades when no one listened, understood, or even wanted to. Thank you for bringing it all back to that strong heart you displayed for us all in this beautiful poem.