The one but not only brother.

[Bermuda]

It's been a very long time now.
We don't know eachother at all, but I know how you were made.
We were divided and conquered, broken, no rod spared, and no child spoiled.
...But you don't believe that at all.
Even when you were often the rod.


I don't forgive them, and I don't forgive you
...for the choices independent of them.
But I understand you.

I understand what happened to you, even if you deny anything happened at all.
...Because I was there.

I saw you on the floor just the moment before
you denied their actions had happened.
Let alone to you.

I know and I knew then that you had to deny it.
Whereas I only spoke when addressed.
And no one would ever address me.

You were selected by angels to be the clever one.
both their weapon and their defense.
You are still their prized defense.

You needed that to survive.
It's better to be a weapon than it is to be a victim.
Even I know that.

Useless me.

I was inconsequential.
--and I knew that the consequences of being more than that were worse that not being at all,
and so I hid myself away and only came out to make sure you were OK.
But my companionship was a threat to you.

I know how that effects you now.

So here I have been living a quiet life of consequence, and you,
you live a life as the shadowous extention of what you deny ever happened.

You would reject any comforting now, just as you had when I saw you on the floor when you were just 14.
Because you are tough.

We were conditioned to be skeptical of progress.
Goody two shoes.
Holier than thou.
Self-righteous piece of work.

Those insults don't bother me, but they would you.


To accept the truth would be to destroy the throne beneath your own feet.
Like polished brass, a shining example of tough love.

And I am still dead to them as they are in actuality.
But they live on in you.

You're so tough, so clever, and so prepared for the real world
...that you can so easily pick apart.

It must be tough being so clever in a world full of others,
who will never quite measure up.

I wonder what that feels like.

So many delicate snowflakes.
But not you. You are a cut above the rest.
So unique, but not a goody two shoes

--unlike me.

[Blueberry]

  Bermuda.

Eloquent, poignant. FWIW it doesn't come across to me as less kind-hearted than my own letter to my Bs. I am sending you kindness - for you I mean.

[Moondance]

Hi Bermuda,

I read your letter yesterday.  I wasnt able to reply at time, sorry. 

Wow, well said Bermuda.  How did you feel after you wrote this letter? And do you still feel the same?

if okay

[Bermuda]

I wrote this the other day, middle of the night rather, quite impulsively. Honestly, I don't think about them often. By 'them', I mean the collateral damage after I was kicked out and decided to keep no contact at all. I rarely think about any of them.

When I think about this brother, I think about when I am doing internet searches to make sure I am safe. I regularly check up on my family to make sure I am not found. This brother is the easiest to locate because he posts a lot of very offensive things on the internet, a lot of which applies to me albeit not intentionally. He seems to be unsurprisingly extremely bigoted.

It makes me think of the last time I ever saw him. He had joined the army, as my parents had stolen money from him repeatedly it was really his only option. He visited after finishing his training. It was him and I, my mother and my aunt. We went for a walk in the city, and to a restaurant. We were walking along a river and my mother said she wanted a photo of us, and he grabbed me roughly and squeezed me smiling. I instinctually pulled away, afterwhich he grabbed me and tried to throw me into the river. My mother did nothing but laugh, but my aunt saw this and was shocked. My mother laughed and said, "Oh they're always like that." I said nothing and just walked a few steps behind them the rest of the way.

He was not a child, and everyone carried on as if nothing happened.

Reflecting now I think of my children, and their arguments. It's nothing like what my siblings did. Even though one of my children is naturally more dominant than the other, they don't do things like my siblings did. Even though they have difficulty understanding boundaries, they are not struggling to survive. They don't see eachother as a threat... and again this brother wasn't a child.

The story I referred to in the original post was actually the last time I saw my parent's use physical violence, but I don't really remember it. The memory is very basic. I remember the scene more than what happened, and I remember my brother's reaction to me.

When I wrote about him I felt angry. I just find his whole existence like some kind of irony. I know that this forum has people who come from both sides of the family dynamic and I don't want to say too much here, because I know he probably suffers too, but to me it just feels so so ironic.

He hates so many people for having feelings, for being thoughtful, for trying to do right, as he poses with guns and his expensive gaming chair. It's theatre.

On a less angry note, it reassures me that I am doing the right thing and is fuel for me to try harder.

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry Bermuda at the violence you had to endure with FOO.

[Moondance]

Hi Bermuda,

Thank you for being so open and trusting  us to share.

I chime in with Blueberry - I am so very sorry for the violence you endured.

😟

[natureluvr]

I'm very sorry Bermuda for the terrible way your brother treated you.  I resonate with this, because 2 of my 3 siblings have treated me very poorly, and I'm not contact with them, as well.  Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel less alone.