Steve M...Here We Go

[SteveM]

I am grateful that OOTS exists and that Im feeling safer here as the days go by.

***Trigger Warning***

A bit about me and my journey in recovery: It's important to me that i consistently edify my experiences and the paths and circles I've traveled in, especially as I age. Some of the messages both direct and indirect I received as a child were that I was stupid, homely, and would never amount to anything and I was told directly to never tell anyone about what had happened or I would be killed!  I have uncovered some hard truths about my early life. My childhood was, until about 11-12 years old,  filled with routine horrific acts of all kinds of violence and abuse.  I understand this is not the place for specifics.

I had my last drink/drug  on September 6, 1982 and have been blessed with continuous sobriety to this moment. Once sober I did not know what to do with my life, i knew i was unhappy and had routine thoughts of self-harm.
I stumbled through life for the next three years and ended up in AA as a result of being asked by my sister to come with her to a meeting,  and I said yes!!  Life has never been the same since! I started attending tons of meetings and getting into service work in AA, sponsoring people, got married, started a business, had a child and.... was just feeling hopeless about life on the inside. Outside I was the model recovering alcoholic on the inside just rotting to the core, brings me to tears now to think about how much pain I was in , all the time.

Fortunately I had a kind and loving sponsor that was also in ACOA.

In the fall of 1988 I vividly remember driving up the interstate one afternoon  in a brand new vehicle at speeds exceeding 100 MPH and in a complete rage. Fortunately that was a one time occurrence and it scared me. so like a good AA i called my sponsor as soon as i got home. Over the next few weeks he suggested i go off to an in patient treatment facility for ACOA's. In those days the health insurance co's paid for that therapy so there was a 6 month waiting list , i waited and went in the spring of 1989. The week i spent there was pivotal in my surviving. It s is the week i started to have some recall  about my childhood. I was 38 and could not remember anything before age 15, just the houses  i lived in and that was enough for the therapists to start loving me back to life.

So in addition to AA, ACOA, OA,  and ALANON  ,individual therapy and group therapy became part of my recovery path and the circles I sat in and was so lovingly held by. This intense regimen lasted about 3 years and one day in  group I announced I was healed and i exited. I stopped all outside help and focused on just 2 12-step groups. About a year went by and in 1993 thoughts of self harm or extinction where unrelenting.  I called the therapist and went to see him. His suggestion was i attend a mens retreat that was being held the upcoming weekend, i went. Again this was life changing, i met a group of "safe " men  that  were dealing with al kinds of trauma. I started going to these retreats  every 90 days for about 6 years  and it was in the second retreat i stared to have flashbacks  of childhood sexual abuse. So 30 years later i now convene these retreats twice a year and some times co-lead
them.

This is a lot so i'm going to stop now and will continue at some point in the next days.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to let you know me.

My Best
Steve M

[Armee]

Hi Steve M. I'm so glad you feel safe enough here to share. I am so sorry that you were forced to survive such horrific experiences but so happy that you have survived and are here.

[Bermuda]

Steve M, I just wanted to let you know that I read everything you wrote.

I can't imagine how sobriety must feel to you. It's horrible what you went through but it's so great that you managed to find a healthier way forward and have found a place to help others on their journey.

I'm glad you're here.

[Not Alone]

Steve, thank you for sharing your story. I feel sad for the abuse you suffered and proud of you for your sobriety. I'm glad that you have had some safe people in your life to walk with you on your journey.

[Moondance]

Hi SteveM

Thank you for sharing you with us.  I, too am so sorry you endured such horrific experiences in your life.  I am so glad though that you found OOTS. Although I've been here for a short time I have found acceptance, encouragement, support and I am certain you will as well.

A warm welcome to you SteveM and if comfortable a safe, virtual hug to you.  If not comfortable please disregard.

[Papa Coco]

Steve,

Thank you for sharing your story. It feels like you trust us enough to be open and that makes me feel good too. Being trusted.

Group sessions are terrific. I've been involved in many of them also.  My healing from trauma however, didn't begin to take until 2005 when therapists started to understand trauma and stopped giving me cognitive behavioral tricks and shocks to "teach me how to stop acting crazy". From 1980 to 2004, I finished the textbook cures with several CBTs only to find that after two years I was more suicidal than if I'd never been "cured" by the narcissistic therapists of my past. CBT, to me, is little more than dog-training exercises. They used to call themselves "Behavior Modification Therapists", meaning they teach ways to behave sane...not to merge the trauma self with the real self.

From all you write, it sounds like you are on a good, steady road to recovery. That does my heart good.

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for sharing, Steve, and for letting us accompany you on this part of your journey.

[SteveM]

A bit about the Mens retreat I just finished.

*****Possible Triggers*****

I was away on retreat with 11 other men. The retreat is an intensive 3 days from Thursday eve until Sunday afternoon . I actually convene these gatherings and have for many years. This one is our second post-Covid gathering, many times I'm just the cat-herder but this time I was a participant. Once we have built a safe container, which is about 24 hours of getting to know each other and a bit about our personal stories. Each person gets time to do some deep individual work with the leader and it's witnessed by the rest of the group.

I have found that Knowing the truth about the details of my feelings at the time of my abuse has been very healing and freeing. Many times flashbacks and snapshots of the horror come with the feelings or sometimes it's the other way around flashbacks and then feelings.

This time I went to a place of whiteout terror from the severity of the abuse. Like many of us I was threatened with death if I "ever told anyone ". In my work this time I was able to tell the leader what was happening in the flashback,  as he held me in his arms with my face buried in his chest. I was so ashamed and embarrassed I was able to stutter and stammered the graphics of my horror to him in a whisper. The very important piece here for me this last weekend is that I TOLD SOMEONE AND I WAS NOT HARMED!!!

Now I have told you that horrible stuff happened and I will not be harmed!
🙏
Steve M

[Armee]

 

That's really important SteveM.

[Moondance]

So very important SteveM - you will not be harmed.

[NarcKiddo]

This feels like a very big step towards the opposite of harm - healing.

[SteveM]

I'd love some feedback:

Today my wife and I are headed down to see my sister, it's about a 2 hour drive, easy commute.
She is not well, nearing the end of her life , she is on dialysis and tiring of that routine. I expect today we will have some hard discussions. I'm torn about asking her a few questions about our shared family history and also her personal experiences in our family system. Needless to say it was a f....... Nightmare!

I have regret, from years ago, not asking my Dad some pretty pointed questions as he was near the end. He and I were in a good place when he died, we had made amends to each other. He was a an episodic rager and would beat me, I was an out control alcoholic that caused a lot of harm.

What I am worried about is causing her more stress in her life right now to satisfy my need for more knowledge.

Thank you.

[NarcKiddo]

I guess much will depend on your relationship with your sister now (and back then if it was different).

Although you don't want to cause her more stress, it is always hard to know what will cause a person stress. Maybe she would love to share her thoughts with you, but has not brought it up herself for fear of causing you stress.

Bottom line is, you won't know unless you try. I would have thought it would be possible to approach this gradually. Pick some questions around one of the less difficult/emotive topics you want to discuss and see how she responds. If she clams up or gets upset then you will know not to push it. But if she is forthcoming then you can gradually go deeper until you sense resistance, and then use your judgement to weigh up the cost/benefit of continuing.

I am sorry your sister is nearing the end. The father of a friend of mine was on dialysis for a while and it was tough. I hope you have a good visit with her.

[SteveM]

Thx Narckiddo, it went well today. I didn't push and she was forthcoming with a lot about her mental and physical pain. Today was not the day for my questions. I'll return in a few weeks.

[SteveM]

I've been thinking this weekend about all "the work" I've done since I put alcohol and drugs down in 1982. I've spent hundreds of thousands of dollars, driven tens of thousands of miles, cumulatively spent many many months "on retreat", probably years at this point, met hundreds of wonderful sage and safe people, helped countless men in recovery and outside 12-step, done breath-work, Rolfing, massage, bodywork, EMDR, tapping, group therapy, Mens groups, mixed groups, individual therapy, couples therapy, and I'm sure there is more. As I reflect on this, I wouldn't change a thing......I'm alive, I did not kill myself!!!

****Possible Trigger****

The extent and magnitude of the healing and " work" I've done is directly related to the magnitude of the horror and denigration I experienced regularly from the ages of 3-11.

I've recently become aware at a very core level that most of my life I've lived in fear, grief, and anger and mistaken melancholy or being void of feeling as serenity. Maybe I'm in the slow learners group , that said , the clarity of this awareness is actually joyful ! I've never felt this grounded in my life and clear about some changes I need to make in how I respond to the world as it unfolds on a daily basis. My no means no today more than ever and my yes means yes, I don't feel that constant ambiguity about simple daily decisions, I'm feeling much more free than ever.

I believe This clarity is coming as a result of all I talked about earlier. I'm a believer in going directly after what's bothering me, even when what's bothering me isn't clear. I get with people who get it and dig in.
I am headed off on the 8th to another long weekend retreat and will continue to uncover what blocks my life force. I am worthy and deserving of a good life and feeling safe and valued on this planet , it is my birthright and no one can take that from me!

Thanks for listening