Steve M...Here We Go

[Armee]

 

An amazing post. You ARE worthy, and so much more. 

[NarcKiddo]

My no means no today more than ever and my yes means yes,

Reading your post made me feel happy and hopeful. The quoted extract pinpointed something I have a lot of trouble with, but haven't quite put my finger on until now.

[SteveM]

I need to ground a bit, I've been spun up about an email I got from an Abutter to a property I own. I'm awake at 2 AM and it is not ok this is taking so much head and body space. I feel it in my neck and back.
This person is a lawyer and likes to intimidate with words. I've had a cordial relationship over the years and literally no communication since before Covid.
What is significant here is not the details but my reaction to someone making ridiculous statements about what I need to do about an issue that has nothing to do with me, it's between him and a third party, the other Abutter. The crazy thing here is that I feel like I've done something wrong and I need to respond to the email and get in there and try and fix it so no one is mad, especially a lawyer. Somehow my brain tells me I'm  inferior to this person because they have more education than me and hold an esteemed position.

The esteemed position * is my mother's voice droning on about how I'll never amount to anything now that my grades have slipped to "average". My mothers side of the family is all about the "degree" and where the degree is from. A Lot of Ivy League pomp from her about her brothers and sisters accomplishments.
Wow , the power of writing stuff out never ceases to amaze me, I had no idea dear old moms voice form many decades ago was hiding in my insomnia!

Since coming to OOTS I've become much more curious about narcissism. I've never really done much reading about it, just starting to do that now and about covert narcissism, hard to believe how many narc's and co-narc's I was surrounded with in my youth. This jerk neighbor seems to fit the bill, just lashing out at anyone he can because he needs someone to do something about an issue he has, well F him!
Thanks for listening.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with jerk neighbour. Or at any rate, feeling you have to deal with jerk neighbour.

I totally get the esteemed position scenario. My narc parents are ocean-going snobs and position is everything. Lawyers are a particular thing for my mother. She is always threatening to call the law down on people.

Please rest assured that you are NOT inferior to this person in any way. And certainly not because he is a lawyer. I happen to be a qualified lawyer and I can tell you that we are nothing special. Since I am one, I obviously have a lot experience of other ones. The ones who throw their weight around and try to intimidate others (especially outside of their scope of work) with words are usually at the lower end of the skill scale. Whether or not jerk neighbour has narc tendencies, he is displaying the behaviour of a schoolyard bully.

[SteveM]

Thanks NK for the feedback about lawyers and bullies. This guy definitely is on the lower end of the skill scale. I responded to him after a few days with two simple sentences basically saying I'm not getting involved in this situation at all. I got the weirdest response in that he praised the work I had done on my property and then started berating the neighbor he has the issue with and called her husband some really bad names. Stuff no one should ever say let alone put  in an e-mail....not very sharp this guy.


Onward!
Different subject
I leave tomorrow for a 4 day retreat in upstate NY. A place I call my spiritual home. I'll be with 22 other safe people and once again build a safe container and see what comes up. It's always cathartic and I usually feel a bit more alive or awake after I leave and come home.

I hope everyone that is seeking relief and understanding of our commonality, C-PTSD, found a bit of that today and finds a bit more tomorrow!
Thanks for listening!

[SteveM]

Just need to say I'm feeling confused this AM, not sure why, I just am. Feel like I don't know anything, I'm  just taking up space.

[Hope67]

Hi SteveM,
You have a lot going on in your life - confusion sounds understandable to me.  Sending you a hug, if it's helpful  and I can't find the words I wanted to say, so I'll stop.
Hope 

[SteveM]

Thanks Hope, hugs say a lot!

We are planning a short trip to the Gaspe Peninsula in Quebec, 5-6 days in July and I'm excited and apprehensive, these are normal feelings for me as I lead up to travel away from home.

I had forgotten that as I young child of 10 or so my FOO took a trip there and I have some vague memories from decades ago. Kind of neutral feelings nothing bad happened.
The feeling from traveling as a family unit back then was dread, the dread of my mother and father arguing about directions, where to stay , blah blah blah!

My M was a perfectionist and would try and fit every possible thing to do in a ridiculously short period of time, hence not much fun!

So as adults we try and do minimal planning other than rooms and possible needed reservations on boats etc. it's fun to just go on a road trip without a GD itinerary , much more pleasurable.

I just needed to tell people that understand what's going on in my head and not isolate.

Thanks for listening.

Have a great Sunday!

[Kizzie]

It's so beautiful there Steve I think (hope) you can let those things go and just let the beauty seep in. I am a bit biased because I'm Canadian and have lived from coast to coast (H was military), but it is so lovely, soul nourishing if you will. When you think about it if your parents bickered away when they visited they totally missed the point of going there. 

[NarcKiddo]

I've been to the city of Quebec but not the peninsula. I bet it's lovely though - everywhere in Canada that I have visited has been lovely. We have relatives there so I have been a handful of times.

I also get apprehensive before a trip, even one which I have been looking forward to. So I totally get how you might be feeling.

It's good you make an active effort not to do the things your parents did that spoiled a trip.

[dollyvee]

Hi Steve,

I read your journal and I just wanted to say that I think it's really admirable all you have been through and how you have kept working on yourself over the years, keeping an open mind and knowing when you need to reach out.

Sending you support,
Dolly

[SteveM]

I had an awareness, again, or should I say re- awareness, if that's a word. This is about hyper-vigilance and staying in my body. One way hyper awareness manifests in me is I am constantly reviewing/scanning the physical world around me ,seemingly , from a 360 degree global perspective, in front, to the side to the rear, above and below, it's exhausting! Most of the time this program just runs in me and I'm not even aware, that said, it depletes my life force , it tires me.
I'm doing a simple carpentry project at camp this morning and every time I walk down to my shop to make a cut I'm checking out the situation at my neighbors, is anybody outside, how many people are present , what are they doing.....blah blah blah. They've been my neighbors for 10 years and they are not a threat it's just the perception of one, that's what the world always presents is the CPTSD lens over everything, at least it seems that way today.

Sooo, a tool that always helps is this, writing about it with safe/sage people and telling them what's up. I just typed sage and meant safe but both descriptors fit!

It's all about perception, and the reality today is my camp is one of the safest and most nourishing places on the planet, not riddled with threats or perceived threats!
Have a great Saturday!

Thanks for listening

[NarcKiddo]

It is exhausting. I do similar.

I hope that writing about it has helped to dissipate the vigilance. Or at least reduced it.

Have a great time at camp - it's lovely that you have a safe place to enjoy. So I want you to be able to enjoy it to the full and kick that pesky CPTSD far away.

[Armee]

Its exhausting, and as you say almost entirely unconscious, as are the triggers.

I'm proud of you for going to these retreats. 

[SteveM]

I just made a healthy decision.....I think!? One of the areas in my life I still second guess myself is in the self-care department, especially when it involves another family member and their feelings.
I had planned on going to see my sister today, about 2.5 hour drive one way. She is not well and I haven't seen her in almost 2 months. I did a pro/con list and once I put down on paper the facts, never mind the feelings, it became very clear that I need to reschedule, for MY own well being!
The worry about how she, or other family members will feel because I'm going to reschedule and take care of me, is still big. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Making my well being first priority was not something modeled in my FOO! For decades I put me at the bottom of the list, that has gradually changed. That said, it still feels foreign and wrong, I hate that feeling of letting others down. Countless times in the passed I would do anything to keep you happy or at least I thought I was keeping you happy and somehow I had the power to keep you from feeling or experiencing discomfort. Last time I checked, I'm not god nor do I have the ability to read minds. So I'm sticking with the fact that it's in my best interest to do a self care day and let others have their feelings, I can go next week!
Thanks for listening.