Steve M...Here We Go

[Denali]

Hi Steve! It takes a lot of inner strength to be able to say I'm important when you grow up being taught the opposite. 

I don't talk with many people anymore because people expected a lot out of me, but weren't willing to reciprocate.

There are days when I miss having people to talk to. I don't reach out to those people because it's not worth the price of my own self care.

I hope you enjoy your day!

[SteveM]

Headed down to see my sister on Friday and feeling rested and in a much better space to be present for and with her while I'm there.so my decision last week to stay  home proves out to be a good one.

I woke today with some feelings of separateness and I don't want to isolate, it's just too lonely and reminiscent of childhood so I'm just saying hello to you all. This forum is yet another safe and valuable tool in my toolbox of recovery from trauma.

[NarcKiddo]

Hi Steve 

Thanks for checking in. Glad to hear you are in a better frame of mind for the visit and hope it goes well.

[Armee]

Hi. 

You did good listening to what you needed. Great job. 

[Kizzie]

That's great that listening to yourself last weekend gave you that space and breath you needed. I used to push myself into things like that too and it never went well.  Now that I choose more often, I feel like I'm putting myself first, being kind and compassionate to the one person I often left out - me.  So, kudos to you

[Hope67]

Hi SteveM,
 
Hope 

[SteveM]

Hi Hope, thank s for saying hello!

[SteveM]

I want to tell you that tomorrow at 4 PM EST I'm going back to the home I lived in from age 8 to 26. Mostly bad stuff and sad times in that house over an 18 year period.
The house came on the market Sunday and I booked a showing for tomorrow. I drove out of that driveway 46 years ago and have not been back since. I have lived a pretty amazing life in those 46 years, tremendously good things have happened in my world once I left the narcissistic den I was raised in.

The house has morphed considerably and I'm excited to go back and see if there is a sense of life when I open the door for the first time. When I left there was just a feeling of doom. The pictures make it look like a happy place now, I hope that's the case. My wife and 2 adult children are coming along , there is no way I'd do this alone.

I incurred significant abuse, over a period of about 4 years in the house next to it so it will be interesting to see what comes up tomorrow. This feels like something I need to do for myself it has the feel of taking back my power, my agency over my life.

I'll take the love and support you all show here on the forum with me and hold it dear.
My Best
SteveM

[Armee]

We'll be there with you in spirit. You are incredibly strong to be able to face this. I don't know you but am so proud of you, truly. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Steve,

Sending you support and strength and I hope you're able to find some closure/what you need from the visit.

That's great that your family is there with you and you have people to support you.

dolly

[SteveM]

It was a great visit today. The house has changed a lot! I could feel the love that has been put in over the years, the home felt very safe. My wife and two children got to see where I grew up and they really had " a fun day " as my son put it. The kids know a very small part of my story and at this point they have a good feeling about where I grew up and I'm not saying a thing to change that. It would be self serving if I dove into my story. Thanks for your support.

[Moondance]

Great courage and strength SteveM.

Thanks for sharing a great update.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm really glad it went well. It's nice to hear the house is not tainted by its past. What is particularly nice, though, is that you had an opportunity to go there and maybe clear away some of the mental clutter about that period of your life.

[Armee]

I'm so glad the visit went well and wasn't too triggering. It's so tough to know what to tell kids...balancing between not being secretive and not being self-serving in what is shared.

[Kizzie]

It sounds like the visit helped you somewhat with the trauma you suffered there Steve, very brave of you to go and smart to bring family who love you!  I think this means you are ready to deal more with all the things you endured. Good on you