Trying to make sense of life (a light tw)

[unfinisheds24]

The symptoms of my C-PTSD worsened around March. It was the result of ongoing marriage stressors, homesickness (I live in the US but am from the UK) and completing my PhD. I'm experiencing all of the classic C-PTSD symptoms and my parents and older brother are aware of the part they played in the childhood factors that have led to this current state. I was partially hospitalized and was discharged a few days ago.

The biggest trigger for me right now is loneliness. As a child with OCD I felt incredibly misunderstood and was bullied by family and friends because of it. I feel deeply mistrustful of the world and am floating aimlessly as I try to understand just what I want from this life. My Dad has been incredibly open and supportive yet somehow it just makes me feel more empty to get his help. I've barely spoken to my mum since she was aware of my diagnosis and issues. She played the more significant role in my current problems.

Feel free to comment if you have any thoughts or experienced anything similar

[Moondance]

 

I can relate to the loneliness, the severe triggers, feeling misunderstood by co-workers, supervisors, FOO, friends.  I have been bullied in grade school, in high school, in my FOO, in pretty much all work places. 

It makes perfect sense to me today why I have no desire, interest in being in relationship with anyone. I was diagnosed with ADD which does provide additional info/explanation with some of the struggles i have experienced throughout my life. 

I have tremendous difficulty trusting anyone.  My life is very small as a result but that is what I can handle at the moment and i choose that because i have so many triggers right now it's simply easier for me.  I've been off work for almost a year.  I was in crisis up until 1 month after I saw my current T which means it took 7 months to get me out of crisis.    So thankful for my T and for getting me out of crisis. 

So now that I am out of crisis and not triggered as much some feelings are coming up.   

I read on this forum quite a bit, both educational and member posts.  I've started reading Peter Walker's book, CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving even though my retention and memory isn't the greatest right now.   It is slow going but am doing the best I can. 

I try not to think to far ahead because I see nothing. That in itself is painful. 

Your name so resonates with me - unfinished.   I'm unfinished - so if I'm unfinished that mean there is hope for finish!? Lol


 

[unfinisheds24]

Thanks so much for the message Moondance. ADD is a diagnosis I have too. Its so comforting in a way to hear other stories. They are never quite the same as your's but they touch on similar aspects and feelings.

I relate to life feeling small. The fact is that people like me a lot and I have many friends but that doesn't mean I feel understood by anyone. I'm in the middle of an ongoing crisis thats been present for about 3 months now but the fact a "crisis" can be much longer gives me comfort that I will get out of this.

We are all unfinished! But I like that name as it suggests we all have a goal we can get to 

[Moondance]

 

I re-read my post and wished I had been more supportive rather than negative with my story.

Sorry about that Unfinisheds34.

I will be more mindful about that in each of my posts (with the exception of my own journal) going forward.

I am so sorry that you have been in crisis for sometime - I stand with you and want to support you in anyway I can.

[unfinisheds24]

No need to apologize Moondance! Sometimes its useful to just hear other stories as a way of connecting, so no worries

[Kizzie]

Loneliness, isolation and feeling different are part and parcel of Complex PTSD for most of us sadly.  We retreat from the world for good reason, our abuse/neglect teaches us no-one is trustworthy and our shame and the symptoms we suffer make us feel we must hide ourselves because we are different.

There's a saying though that it isn't us, it's what happened to us that I personally hang onto because it tells the real story.  We aren't different, we were harmed by perpetrator(s), often the very people who should have loved us and kept us safe and we responded in ways that non-survivors never had to because they were loved and safe.  I think what runs in the back of our heads is something like "If my own parents didn't love me I must be defective, bad, etc."  Instead I think we need to say to ourselves "I was just a kid and it was my abuser that was different and should be feeling the shame I do."  It sounds like your dad may know that it wasn't you?

I've been reading a few things lately about the need for survivors to work on feeling dignity and pride to counteract the shame and how our communities, institutions (justice, health, education, etc) need to support us in that.  That last bit may take a while but if we start working on doing so ourselves perhaps they will follow. 

[woodsgnome]

Coming off of years (decades really) of digging and probing all the possible causes behind many aspects of the trauma(s) I seem to have survived, I've arrive at only one conclusion: None of what was done made any sense, then or now.

So it's natural to probe and prod in the search for the 'why' of it all. Definitive answers can't justify any of it, as it involves violation of human decency. Which isn't to say I'm still not
curious as to how it happened; just not as gung ho on feeling relief from what might be found.

This involved a decision a few years back, one that still percolates in its forceful effects. That is -- having given up on finding any sensible cause for all of this pain, grief, and devastation, I'm still prone to many tears, and then continue as best as I can to make sense on my terms. Healing from within has been my greatest discovery; the outside story doesn't matter so much, or at least isn't as dominant as it once was.

Those inside vibes focus on simple things I can do now -- -- peace with myself, love of the life I have post-abuse, and continuing the quest to feel good about myself in everything I do. But it can still return to deeply grieving what took place over those decades, and how none of it, in the final analysis, made any sense.

I hope I'm understood. It sounds hopeful, but many are the days on which any optimism feels more like fog than clear sky. But here's a bit of 'wishcraft' for finding relief from the aspect so many of us fall short of realizing -- that we're  alright, just as we are.