How do I move through the grief?

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C.

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How do I move through the grief?
« on: April 24, 2015, 06:53:24 PM »
Over the past several months I’ve come to better understand the origins of my C-PTSD and how to get support.  I lived a life of chronic emotional neglect and abuse for about 45 years.
   
Yet, I’ve noticed that the place where I feel the most “raw” is regards to my 20 yrs of marriage.  I have compassion for the child & adolescent, I have compassion for the experience of being “abandoned” by my husband, but I feel a low grade contempt for that Pollyanna me who allowed my husband to be inappropriate with me and my kids.  I think it’s a combination of anger, self-loathing, sadness, guilt and regret.  I feel this low-grade irritation and contempt for my ex.  I went through the usual grief stages already during our divorce.   I thought that I was done w/anger and had moved on to peace... How can I move past this feeling?  Has anyone else had similar experiences?

I really don’t like this…I feel so sad that the photos w/my children cause me pain…I think the primary thought is "if only that 'me' had known..."

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Widdiful Falling

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Re: How do I move through the grief?
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2015, 10:56:59 PM »
Well, the best way to move past a feeling, in my experience, is to allow yourself to feel it. No judgements, just compassion. So if you're angry at your past self, be angry. Loathe who you were for a little while. Be guilty, and regret everything. And then look at who you are today. You are strong. Resilient. You faced yourself, and said "there's something wrong here." And then, you changed it for the better. You learned an important lesson. That's really hard to do. I'm really proud of you.  :yourock:

Don't worry about what stage of grief you're in. They're less progressive stages, and more a big ball of wibbly wobbly griefy weefy emotions all rolled up into one package. Everyone experiences their grief differently. Just because you're angry now, it doesn't mean you took a step backward. Keep on going, and I'm sure the feelings will pass.

In the meantime, why don't you make yourself comfortable? Take a bath, watch a movie, snuggle a cat, etc. Practicing good self-care helps with everything, especially when you're feeling down.  :hug:

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Jdog

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Re: How do I move through the grief?
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2015, 11:07:15 PM »
Unfortunately, our emotions don't follow a straight trajectory and repeating stages is not only normal but pretty much to be expected.  Grief, in particular, is a tough one.  Rationally, you know that the events belong to the past but when triggering occurs, you land back in a sad morass of confusing feelings.  Just accept the feelings - trying to ignore or despise them prolongs the agony.  Remind yourself that you are safe now, and realize that the ugliness will pass.

Best wishes, and thanks for reaching out when you are hurting.  We all need validation and support.

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anosognosia

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Re: How do I move through the grief?
« Reply #3 on: April 28, 2015, 03:35:31 PM »
Over the past several months I’ve come to better understand the origins of my C-PTSD and how to get support.  I lived a life of chronic emotional neglect and abuse for about 45 years.
   
Yet, I’ve noticed that the place where I feel the most “raw” is regards to my 20 yrs of marriage.  I have compassion for the child & adolescent, I have compassion for the experience of being “abandoned” by my husband, but I feel a low grade contempt for that Pollyanna me who allowed my husband to be inappropriate with me and my kids.  I think it’s a combination of anger, self-loathing, sadness, guilt and regret.  I feel this low-grade irritation and contempt for my ex.  I went through the usual grief stages already during our divorce.   I thought that I was done w/anger and had moved on to peace... How can I move past this feeling?  Has anyone else had similar experiences?

I really don’t like this…I feel so sad that the photos w/my children cause me pain…I think the primary thought is "if only that 'me' had known..."

Oh C, dear dear C, I feel your pain so much. I ruminate on the grief and hurt too. I just feel so wronged, and stepping into the light just seems so difficult and phony to me. Insincere, when I feel so rotten on the inside.

I have no solution or wisdom, only that I know others have done it, and that we have a plethora of tools at our disposal, and that we owe it to ourselves to try them all out and gather a few which work for us. Reassess, repeat, keep working at it.

In some ways destruction is chaotic and painful and robs us of all meaning (Nietzsche), and at the same time destruction allows us to rebuild something anew and make us build new meaning at exactly our own terms (Sartre).

[Edit]: As an addendum, it is so unfair that we have to do this process on our own and that it feels so so lonely. Others have been nurtured surrounded by a loving family. That in and of itself is something I ruminate over myself. And yet, there is beauty in recruiting a new community for ourselves and know that we are all here to cheer you on!  I have to tell this myself too.

Love and hugs.
« Last Edit: April 28, 2015, 03:37:52 PM by anosognosia »

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C.

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Re: How do I move through the grief?
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2015, 12:25:17 AM »
Thank you everyone.  Your words help, and bringing this pain out in to the light of reality helps me too.

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Kubali

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Re: How do I move through the grief?
« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2015, 10:13:23 AM »
To C

I experienced the self-same thing about my first marriage. I SHOULD have known. Except I didnt. I didn't truly admit to what he was until I left him. They say that leaving an abuser is the most dangerous stage of the relationship. They are right. But I should have known. I could have saved myself 20 years of grief and hardship.

What I have since come to realise is this. Thinking you know gives the illusion of control and security. We none of us enjoy feeling out of control and powerless. We were trained and programmed to be vulnerable and defenceless. Prime targets for the predatory types.

Not knowing something is INNOCENCE. Educating yourself after the event is WISDOM

You have both!

Kubali