Newbie 1st post

[Ymom29]

I guess I should begin by saying that I am only now realizing that I have CPTSD. It was suggested that I might have it, by my excellent therapist of many years. She retired in June 2021 and our last few sessions were about what little she knew about it, and why she thinks it might be my biggest issue (I am diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I can get panic attacks).

I am in my midish-50's. And my CPTSD comes from my childhood. Several traumatic events between age 3 and age 18, as well as an alcoholic father who was NEVER in recovery. A codependent mother who had undiagnosed anxiety and panic disorders, who spent a lot of time in denial, and rather than acknowledge the various traumas, mild neglect, and family dysfunction, chose to tell me that my worst traits, my worst behavior, my worst self, was the ONLY me. My older sister (the middle sister) spent decades being kind to me and then telling me how horrible I am. The eldest sister, well, she's been dead since I was 21 and she was 29.
Her death was self inflicted, and her first attempt was when I was barely 9.

I have had lots of therapy. Talk therapy, CBT, etc., but I continue to have 2 big issues that really affect me and my loved ones. Fear of Abandonment and lack of self-esteem. The anxiety can be controlled, for the most part.  But if the "root" of the anxiety is really a "fear of abandonment" issue, it is not something I can control and I rapidly decompensate. Hoping this Forum might help the issues that the therapists cannot seem to understand, much less help.

[Armee]

Hi,

It took most of us a long time to put together the pieces and figure out what was really going on was a trauma response.

I'm sorry you've experienced complex traumas and are suffering but glad you found us. 

[Kizzie]

Hi YMom and a warm welcome to OOTS.

I was in my mid 50's  too before I was diagnosed with CPTSD from childhood abuse - narcissistic M and alcoholic F. It carried on into adulthood until I realized it wasn't me being overly sensitive, selfish, crazy, etc but that I had been abused and then I went low contact with them.  Finding out  I had CPTSD was a relief but daunting at the same time.  I am so sorry for all that you went through, no child deserves that kind of life. 

I hope you find the forum helpful, we have lots of info and great people who are warm and supportive and can offer suggestions based on their experience. 

  Group hug if that's OK.

[Moondance]

Hi Ymom,

A warm welcome to you Ymom. 

I hope this site helps you as it has me.

I too found out later in life I have CPTSD. I was first diagnosed in 2019 at 58.  I started therapy November/22 with a trauma informed psychologist.  I have been in therapy most of my adult life.  There were diagnosis throughout the years that fit but when I was diagnosed in July 2022 for the second time I was told I needed trauma therapy for the unresolved CPTSD.  When I learned more about CPTSD I felt such a sense of relief.  I recall saying, so many times in the past that there is something wrong with me.  I cannot even remember not feeling that way.   I have learned this is very common with CPTSD.  I  was also  diagnosed with major depression/anxiety and ADD. 

The trauma therapy is helping for sure.  My progress is slow.  Mostly right know I am learning, from this site and therapist, books about CPTSD and become more aware of how this all fits with me in my daily life, sometimes moment by moment.

My CPTSD comes from child neglect/abuse and unfortunately a number of SA's, an alcoholic father, I haven't yet figured out my mom but abusive for sure, narcissistic, probably. 

Although I'm saddened that anyone needs this forum I'm so thankful you have found it.

Wishing you the best on your journey Ymom.

if okay

[Not Alone]

A warm welcome, Ymom29. Thank you for sharing what you posted. Those are heavy, difficult things to carry. Glad you are here.

[Papa Coco]

Hi YMom,

Welcome to the forum. I was diagnosed with PTSD at age 40, and learned the term C-PTSD in my mid fifties. I'll be 63 in July. My Dad wasn't an alcoholic, but he was a benign narcissist with war Traumas. My mom had serious anxiety disorders also. AND my middle sister, 11 years older than me, was a Borderline Personality Disordered SOCIOPATH!!! who spent the first 50 years of  my life also being my ally who routinely reminded me that she cared about me because I was a worthless piece of crap and couldn't live without her "help" and constant criticism. That's the crazy-making stuff that did the most damage. My baby sister died in 2008 in a suspicious event that I believe was likely self-inflicted.

Here on the forum, we empathize with each other. We have all had different lives, but the outcomes to our emotional and physical health have been strikingly similar. C-PTSD can start in different houses, but it pretty much ends up bringing us to the same destination. Trauma-wise therapists, Pete Walker's book, Complex-PTSD; from Surviving to Thriving, and for the lucky ones, this OOTS forum. 

The beautiful thing about this forum is that most of us deal with similar trust issues, so we don't have to explain ourselves to each other. We each already know what it feels like to have C-PTSD, so we can trust each other to empathize without having to explain ourselves.

I trust the people on this forum. I can feel what they feel and I know they can feel what I feel.

I hope you are able to find comfort here, as I have found.

Welcome!

[Ymom29]

Thanks for the warm welcome and for the very sad, yet also reassuring, info that most of us do not get diagnosed, or realize we have CPTSD, until we are in our 40's, 50's, 60's.
I am having difficulty finding a therapist who specializes in trauma, is taking new patients, and takes Medicare insurance. My DH, says we can just pay "out of pocket" if necessary. But I am in charge of our budget and finances. Sadly, there are few that are truly Trauma focused. The ones that are and are taking new patients, are quoting me anywhere from $300-$500 per session, and they recommend 2 sessions per week for at least the 1st 6-8 weeks.  So, I am going to try to use books, OOTS, and anything else that I can find that's legit on trauma therapy, CPTSD, and even PTSD if it helps.

[storyworld]

Hello from another newbie!
Sorry for your pain. May you experience increased and progressive healing.

[Kizzie]

Two possibilities you might explore YMom are: 1) group therapy which is typically less expensive than one-to-one sessions - if you think you'd be comfortable in a group that is;  and 2) virtual therapy - often less expensive than face-to-face/in office one-on-one. 

It is sad in a way that most of us are older when we find out we have CPTSD but a lot of that has to do with the fact that it is a relatively new diagnosis that it only in the the World Health Organization's diagnostic manual (2018), and not yet in the American Psychiatric manual (DSM). 

It is taking off though and hopefully that will mean more professionals who are trained in treatment, more services and support, and greater awareness at younger ages.