Help Understanding

[storyworld]

Hello, all, I appreciate all the responses I received on my post. I'm removing it not because of anything anyone wrote in response as they were all helpful and encouraging.

[Armee]

Hey I only hqve a second right now so I'm just responding so it will show up in my active posts lists and I can get back to you. I will say now I relate to so much of what you are saying and experiencing. Including the images which to me sound like intrusive images which is part of PTSD and yes it makes sense you felt danger, and in my experience these images do not have much context. I struggled too to understand the continuum of dissociative responses and will pop back later to provide a couple resources I've used in my search to understand. But dissociation ranges all the way from mild and very normal (everyone experiences it) phenomena to DID all the way on the other end, with many many stops in between. So just because you experience dissociation (which is part and parcel of CPTSD really) does not mean you are like your mom. Even if you were on the far end of the spectrum and had DID you are not like

[Armee]

Sorry my post started glitching glitching and I couldn't finish what I was trying to say...

I was trying to say even if you were on that far end of the spectrum (I may be, or I may be one stop before that)...even if that, you are not like your mom. You are seeking help and caring about your kids. That lack of care and manipulation is more of what caused the damage right?

[storyworld]

Thanks, Armee, I appreciate you taking the time to respond, and I am processing your reply and look forward to seeing the resources you mentioned. Regarding the damage, do you mean what my therapist and I are trying to work through? If so, I can say my mom's manipulation wasn't helpful, and it played a part in my present day challenges, for sure. But that wasn't the hardest part of my childhood, although it was often confusing.

[Kizzie]

Hi Storyworld - Two scary and unsettling experiences when you don't know quite what is going on. I know Armee is going to give you some resources but here is one that is very popular with survivors because it gives us an understanding of some of the things like what you experienced, seemingly inexplicable things that happen in body and mind due to our trauma.  It's "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. 

[NarcKiddo]

I, too, have reactions out of all proportion to the current situation. My therapist refers to all of them as a trauma response. We do not try to analyse whether they are dissociation, fight, flight etc etc. For all I know she pigeonholes them in her own mind but I have not asked and she has not said. I am not interested in having any formal diagnosis, so that is not part of our work. It's enough for me that she has validated my feelings and has expressly confirmed to me that I had an emotionally abusive childhood. Our objective is working through my trauma and helping me heal as much as is possible. It is very early days for me in therapy (I started last autumn) so there is much work yet to be done.

Like you, I find any possibility that I might be like my mother abhorrent. Which of course is an extra problem since I am her daughter, there are some genetic similarities (I look VERY like her which is INFURIATING), and I have certainly picked up some fleas along the way. If my therapist started telling me outright I was displaying narcissistic tendencies I am not quite sure how I would react, but I don't think it would be well!

So I am wondering if you might consider whether it is helpful right now for your therapist to label your reactions precisely, or whether you might benefit from referring to all of them simply as a trauma response. There may come a time when you want to get more specific and technical. There might come a time when even I decide I want to get more specific and technical. For me, that time is not now. If the suggestion feels like it might be helpful then you could see what your therapist has to say.

[storyworld]

Thank you, NarcoKiddo, and everyone else who responded. I hope it's okay, but I removed my initial post, not because of anything anyone said in reply. I genuinely found everyone's comments helpful. I will review your insights and encouragements and process through them.

[Armee]

Totally understandable. Most of us occasionally or often delete our posts. I came back to provide some of the resources I've found helpful for understanding the topic you wrote about and can post them if you ever want them.

[Kizzie]

No worries Storyworld, members often do that as Armee says.  That's the lovely thing about OOTS, we really do get it.

[storyworld]

Can I add to this post, or is it better to start a new one? I would love to read other people's experiences that might be similar to some of mine. I'm becoming more self-aware (and also more confused) and trying to make sense of what and why I do what I do. I noticed something in relation to relationships. Whenever there is tension, even not related to me, I immediately feel disconnected to those closest to me (in the vicinity). I had previously interpreted it as them pulling away. I feel a rift in the relationship and distance from them. But I just realized the other day that the disconnect is coming from me.

My second question is in relation to falling asleep. Do any of you find that your mind tries to pull up things that sort of hover beneath your consciousness, and then feel a burst of anxiety and find yourself wide awake? This will maybe sound odd, but the only way I can describe it is as if you are walking down a hall to a door, open the door, and immediately the door slams shut and everything goes black. And then you're awake and anxious. (I am learning to calm myself so that I can eventually fall asleep, but this has become a nightly occurrence that does challenge my sleep.)

[Armee]

I think it's fine to continue here...

First, noticing these things is huge! And such a big step in healing. This is really good!

It's a little bit of a shock when I realize my role in things that are driven subconsciously. But this conscious awareness is key to slowly accepting and then changing. Keep noticing that pattern, don't beat yourself up for it because your mind is only trying to protect you in a way that has worked in the past, and then slowly start to differentiate the present situations you are withdrawing from from the ones in the past where you really did legitimately need to pull away from relationships to stay safe.

It really helps me to always stay grateful to whatever part of me is trying to protect myself. Which is a very very hard thing to do...so aspirational. But it minimizes the amount of internal blowback I get when I try to change something that used to protect me but that I don't want to do anymore, like pulling away in relationships. You are definitely not alone in that.

With regard to things coming up at night or early morning when I've just woken up... definitely, yes. And definitely yes to my brain suddenly slamming that door shut in a panic even though I want to know what's behind it. Too many examples to count and some of which sound downright crazy. We have survived by burying things and pretending everything is fine. You are now in a place with therapy where you have the support to start to look at things, so your mind is offering things up, but other parts of your mind think that is maybe dangerous and you need to do things the old way to stay safe.

This whole process is just really slow. My therapist says something that used to drive me crazy but now 5 years down the road I get it and it's true: trust in the unfolding. This process will work, at the pace it needs to work at. Just keep going. Slowly, with respect for the protections you've had in place, accepting, and becoming aware of how the present is different from the past.

You are definitely not alone. These are normal things for cptsd.

[storyworld]

Thank you, Armee, I find your replies encouraging and helpful.

[Kizzie]

I agree with Armee, this is common for us.  I definitely have fearful thoughts when I am falling asleep or just wake up. I have medication to help me fall asleep, but in the morning it's like there is no filter until I get up and start doing things. I think this lets the "executive' part start up and push the floating thoughts and feelings from my trauma back into their closet.

WRT to the disconnecting that too is common and another way of protecting ourselves. I also agree with Armee that it may not feel the best, but the fact that you are noticing these things is a step forward in recovery so again, bravo   

[storyworld]

Thanks, Kizzie,

I feel blessed in that my sister is a tad further on her healing journey than I am, we both have the same type of attachment, and that we can talk openly about this with each other. It is helping me feel safe in building a relationship with her. We had a relationship as kids, and I have special memories of her, but I pulled away from almost all family as an adult, and am now building an adult relationship with her. It is also helpful for me to see that she has attachment issues, and yet I admire her and find her competent, and so this helps me be less harsh in my view of myself, in relation to issues we share. I am saddened to think that she was alone for most of her healing journey so far. That must have been very hard for her. 

[Kizzie]

Lovely to hear you have a family trauma buddy (the trauma's not wonderful of course) and that you do feel as you do about and with her.