Does Anyone Know What’s Going On With This Feeling?

[Marzipan]

This is going to be hard to describe, but I'm wondering if this feels familiar to anyone else. Is this some version of dissociation? I also am learning with my therapist that I might have some symptoms of depersonalization/derealization, but I'm not sure if this is part of it or something different.

It's as if I can't exist in the world as I am and so I find something to attach to in order to exist through it. I cycle through the year with a fairly predictable string of modes of being. It's hard to explain, but it's like I've always got this material around me that is permeable, and only lets very specific information in and out, and it colors or informs how I experience the world. Each mode of being comes with its own aesthetic leanings, and makes me want to eat certain foods, listen to certain music, smell specific scents, read certain books, have certain feelings etc as if I've got a pattern of preset atmospheres that I exist through. It's like a cluster of very curated sensual and mental things that I exist in and through. And these things shift predictably throughout the year. And the repetition of it is I guess a little comforting and grounding, but it's also distressing I've realized, because it creates an artificiality to the way I experience the world, because it's so curated and specific (which maybe feeds the dpdr sensations?) It feels like I'm still experiencing things from inside rather than directly out in the world, if that makes sense.

And even weirder, it feels like whatever created this material and the environments isn't me, but something outside of me, which just took bits and pieces of my self to create these different cluster presets or modes. And these modes are kind of like different vehicles I can use. Like a spirit needs a body, I need these clusters as a thing to attach to and try to experience the world through and have a sense of identity though, even if the experience is very restricted and still separate from the full "real" world or full "real" self. I have no idea if this makes any sense. It's so hard to explain. And I'm sorry this is such a long post. If you got this far, is this something anyone else here experiences? Thanks.

[Kizzie]

I haven't heard of this Marzipan but it sounds like what we do when we compartmentalize parts of ourselves to manage the painful/frightening feelings/memories we have.  I'm just spitballing here but it does sound like a reliable (and creative) way of getting through.  It may indeed be a form of depersonalization/derealization as your T suggests.  I'm no T but perhaps as you work on coming to grips with your trauma, this will fade over time. 

[Saluki]

Hey Marzipan,
I think I get it.
I have some sort of dulling of the senses bubble surrounding me at all times. Not so much a bubble maybe, but a protective layer that's loosely wrapped around my vicinity. I don't like it but I don't know how to get out of it. I know it's trying to protect me but it's making me partially deaf and partially sighted. I identify strongly with your permeable material. That's derealization and depersonalisation.

I experience the world from my own personally cultural (saluki culture haha) identity. I feel like a stranger in a strange land.

I don't know if this is similar, but there are certain types of foods/interests/books I cycle through too as a coping mechanism. I kind of know why though and it relates to avoiding the cultural foods of my abusers and finding new ones of my own.

I took DES II test online (the same one they assessed me with 3 times) a few times and it comes up with "Other specified dissociative disorders" for my "score" as well as CPTSD. I don't know if I'm allowed to post links here as I'm new, but it's available online and you'll probably recognise the questions if you don't recognise the questionnaire, and I don't know if you still post here, but I kind of understand what you are talking about, so thought I would let you know you're not alone.

Our brains are so good at protecting us: too good I reckon! I am desperate to break out of the bubble but don't know if I'd cope with the noise and the colours as I've been like this for years (everything seems dulled down)