Groundhog Narcissistic Awareness Day

[FlowerTigressX]

Don't know how to deal with this. My "friends" dropped me when I insisted I had CPTSD a few months back and wanted to tell them about it, just a bit (Verbal Ventilating as recommended by Pete Walker). But I'm still okay to be around when Im entertaining, funny or listen to their stuff, right.
So now I managed to demask the estate agent who was supposed to sell mine and my brother's inherited flat-  so I could take my half and try to start over with the first proper (if small and cheap and shabby) home of my own. Where I can't get evicted or mobbed out of my room (which happened quite often to me. Yep. Always, "always" end up with naricissists or other kinds of Users. Anyways.)
Instead of reaching my goal of finally, being 60 now, finding a real home for me I had to scream at the estate agent cos she never did what she was supposed to, broke her promises, never got results from people but complained about them and so on and on. She just waited for me to do her work, draining me even more. Asked her if she actually wanted to sell the flat or keep this from happening.  (Yes, she got especially energy sucking when I told her I was in bad shape and needed her to do her job.) That was yesterday.
Now she's getting herself out of the contract (fine with me!), but hijacked the several keys we send her, even the ones she was supposed to leave in the flat). And waits for me to get them and in the meantime: send me more messages. I guess the whole thing is about her not wanting to let go this nice squeaky, malleable toy, me. Plus my brother doesnt really care (or accept my self diagnosis - to him I'm just a loser and probably crazy).
As I said, I got nobody to talk to about this, in detail or in general. Therapists in this country can't even differentiate between single blow and complex relational. So I am turning in circles, again. Asking myself, of course, what exactly MY part is in all these malfunctioning relatings to people. Knowing - knowing!!! - that I cannot find the answers/patterns myself.
Energy draining like mad.
Thoughts coming back to: Why did I dare scream at this  nice energy sucking vampire? That is not what a proper fawner is supposed to.
Will stop ranting/blabbing here.
What would you do?? 

[Kizzie]

Well first off, personally I would say if she wasn't doing her job goodbye is quite appropriate.  Don't let the door hit you in the ..... and all that.   The whole screaming thing is trauma pure and simple and not being able to regulate our emotions when we're hurt, frustrated, angry, etc.  Our emotions just push their way to the surface and explode, kind of like a volcano under pressure because we have them so tamped down.  We had to to survive. 

There's nothing at all wrong with being angry that the agent wasn't doing her job and thought she could get away with not treating you with respect, it's just the screaming that needs some tweaking.  That's where talking here and hopefully getting a good therapist can help.  Also, I think you said you've read Pete Walker's book so if you can, find the place where he talks about "angering" -  very necessary to recovery but it's how/where we express it we have to work on.  We need to aim for the middle, between too little and too much basically. 

Really sorry you're going through this.  I can sense how much it means to you to find your own place.   

[FlowerTigressX]

phew, Kizzie, thank you.,, Have a red thread now; will do the Knossos-thing and see where it leads me. Always wanted to meet the Minotauress:))