Reality TV Trigger

[Morah]

Hi all! TW: Verbal Altercations/ Physical Violence
My relationship with my cptsd has been tricky. I've learned a lot about myself and a lot of things have really clicked for me. I recently had a wake up call via my first reality tv induced flashback trigger. I was watching an episode of Real World where one of the housemates, a large man, got incredibly angry and started yelling at the other roommates, loudly thrashing and getting in the faces of others while yelling and breaking things. When I was small and my brother was at the beginnings of his own mental illness pre-medication, volatility like this was normal. I remember my big brothers getting in a physical fight over a game of monopoly, and my mom prying them apart with her own leg. The specific memory that was triggered was a few years ago at a shared birthday evening (my brother who struggles with mental illness is a couple of years and 4 days apart from my birthday), when insults started to fly amongst my brothers. I have become well accustomed to yelling and fights, but not with my niece present. Once my brother had our eldest brother in a headlock and my mom was once again trying to break it apart, all I could do was scoop my niece up in my arms and take her out to the front lawn to race on the grass in the dark. I wish someone could've scooped me up and taken me to run through the grass. The most complicated part of experiencing these triggers is how unconditionally and wholeheartedly I love my family and how much it hurts my heart to recognize the trauma I've experienced. I've taken a break from reality tv for a while.