Collie's journal (may trigger in some places)

[colliegrace]

I grew up in a broken family. Parents divorced wen I was young. My mom always thought that was very traumatic for me, but I disagree. Most of what she deemed trauma was actually autism. I also was abused by a family member during that time, but I won't get into that. Oddly enough that never seemed to affect me long term.

What really, really has had lasting effects on me? The stuff that happened in my late teen years. We were a completely dysfunctional family, two of us on one side and two on the other, fighting as enemies in the same house. For at least a couple years. We never got better, the only reason things died down was because one parent passed away. Hard to have a conflict keep going when one of the reasons for said conflict is no longer with us.

I was the scapegoat. I was blamed for everything that went wrong. My sister was the golden child. I was labeled "the bad influence", so anything she did wrong, I was punished for instead of her.

That's all I'll type for now.

[rainydiary]

Hi Collie, I appreciate you sharing and resonate with how certain times stay with one more even though all the times might have been heavy. 

[Moondance]

Hi Colliegrace,

Thank you for sharing/posting your story.

I grew up in a broken family as well. Many of us here come from broken families.    I was 12 when my parents divorced.  I did find it traumatic but I think the worst part was that it went on for years, the bad mouthing each other, backstabbing, etc.  Hearing both parents, continually putting each other down or talking badly about each other to their children was not, in my opinion, conducive to a safe environment. It was very toxic.

I was abused and so relate to that as well.

Welcome to a forum that is very supportive, caring and non judgemental.

  if that's okay - if not please ignore

[Armee]

Hi Collie Grace and welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry for the abuse and trauma you've been through, and the symptoms that led you here, but glad to have you here with us

[colliegrace]

Thanks for the responses 

I am looking into the possibility that I may have borderline personality disorder, which many consider to be almost the same thing as c-ptsd

[Armee]

I think an awful lot of people with trauma were misdiagnosed with bipolar or Borderline pd not so long ago, still even.

My mom had both those diagnoses, and trauma as well, but the way she treated other people including her kids was really problematic, kind of the way it sounds your parents treated you. I'm trying to say gently..I mean I don't know you  other than these couple posts...but I don't see anything here that flags for a personality disorder.

But I do know that with cptsd we are super self aware and tend to think we are somehow at fault and take the blame for things...and that leads many of us to try to think it's us with the problem. Once my therapist sent me a video on gaslighting explicitly to help me understand how my mom's behavior was contributing to how I felt about myself and how damaging it was. He was very clear about his intentions. Still I managed to watch it and think he must be trying to subtly get me to own up to having Borderline pd and gaslighting everyone...he's talking about me...I'm a gaslighter...oh God it's my fault! Lol. No nothing could be further from the truth.

All to say, it's typical for many of us to look for what is wrong with us. And trauma does that and it makes us feel wrong and bad and weird and different. So does being scapegoated by your own parents. Regardless of whether your symptoms match Borderline pd (I don't see any indication they do, beyond typical complex trauma symptoms)...you clearly have experienced complex trauma. And that needs to be treated or it won't get better. And treating that trauma - all the skills you learn and the emotional regulation you develop and all the trauma processing you do - that will help the trauma as well as help with any residual possible PD problems.

I'm sorry. You experienced ongoing trauma. Abuse by a family member, divorce, parental fighting, and scapegoating. These are rough things to go through. They put us in survival mode longterm and that leads to the symptoms of cptsd. Gentle hugs if they are helpful. It's a long road to accept what happened to us and longer to heal but it does happen over time. Keep going. 

[colliegrace]

Currently not feeling well. Asked for some advice in a group chat, it brought up a lot of feelings.


People have suggested that my mom might be a narcissist, but I don't think that's something you can "diagnose" just based off someone's description of their abuse. I don't know that I see a pattern of self-absorbed behavior from her, either.... I just think she doesn't want to admit that she hurt her kids in devastating ways.

[Kizzie]

Just wanted to say of course it's up to you to decide whether and what your mother suffered from if anything.  Members here will make suggestions but they are just that, suggestions.

Sometimes feedback from others can flood and overwhelm us, so it might be good to step away for a day or two. Whatever you do or don't do for that matter I hope you feel better     

[NarcKiddo]

I hope you feel better soon, colliegrace. Much of what you have said resonates with me but as Kizzie has pointed out, feedback can take a while to process. So I'll not comment further right now. 

[colliegrace]

Today there was a conflict with my mom about an argument from last night. I straight up told her that if she insists to treat me like dirt I will look into moving out. The implication being that I won't be around to take care of her as she ages. I feel like that's a bit mean, but I refuse to be complicit to my own abuse now that I'm an adult and have other options.

[Armee]

I'm sorry if I said too much in my previous reply. 

I hope things get a little better with your mom after you stood your ground. Good job. 

[Moondance]

Hi Colliegrace,

I really admire you standing up for yourself - it takes a lot of courage, self confidence to do that.  Really great!

[colliegrace]

I'm sorry if I said too much in my previous reply. 

I hope things get a little better with your mom after you stood your ground. Good job. 

It's fine 

I'm just in a lot of emotional pain at the moment

I appreciate responses even if I don't say much

[colliegrace]

Hi Colliegrace,

I really admire you standing up for yourself - it takes a lot of courage, self confidence to do that.  Really great!

Ty

[colliegrace]

Rough night.

I don't feel like I have anyone. Family is dysfunctional, sister wants little to do with me. No "found family", either. I've learned that I cannot count on my friend group as support - no fault of theirs, they just have their own issues.