Not Alone on a New Path (2023-?)

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope things improve soon. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Armee, Blueberry, Moondance, Bach, and NarcKiddo.

[Papa Coco]

Hi NotAlone,

I'm just checking in. I'm hoping you are having some better days these days. I am sending positive thoughts. Here's a nice, safe, virtual hug.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Papa Coco. I really appreciate you checking in and your kind thoughts.




I am so easily overwhelmed. It may be that I've been mostly in a triggered state (EF) for the last 13 months, ever since ex-H started taking about divorce. I've been trying to survive ever since. I was going to start listing the mountains, but will just say it has been extremely hard and has felt like too much for a very long time.

When I look to the future for employment and retirement. . . it looks grim. I won't go into all the details, but it brings me to a place of feeling terrified and hopeless. There is so much. Way too much.

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
You have had such a significant amount of things to contend with over the past 13 months - I am not surprised that you've been mostly in a triggered state (EF) - honestly, it is so much.  But I think you have been negotiating your way through and around those mountains - and I wish I could help you find some safe cave that doesn't make your feel the grimness that you see ahead.  Maybe the EF is causing the perception of the way ahead as being terrifying and hopeless. 

Sending you some hugs of support and wishing you strengh or whatever you need to negotiate your way through the next hours/days.   

Hope 

[Not Alone]

thank you, Hope.

[Not Alone]

It was a short work week for me (4 days), but still exhausting. My responsibilities are overwhelming. Co-workers are very helpful, but it still feels like too much.

The other night I woke up at 2:30 with a dream about my ex-H. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. In the dream I felt deep, deep grief and abandonment.

[Armee]

Painful, and appropriate, things to feel.

I wish I could help lighten your load, Not Alone. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Armee.


I'm so tired of life being too hard. Today is a beautiful fall day. I should be going outside for a walk. I started off with a glitch in my morning, which threw me off. I skipped church and did my grocery shopping. Then did some online window shopping. I'm depressed. I'm overwhelmed with work and the next four weeks will be even worse. It is all too much and it has been too much for a long time. I am so tired. I am discouraged. All I do is complain.

[Armee]

It's a really hard year for you. I'll look forward to a time when you feel joyful but for now complaining and depression and overwhelm sound...appropriate.

 

[Blueberry]

It's a really hard year for you. I'll look forward to a time when you feel joyful but for now complaining and depression and overwhelm sound...appropriate.

 

Also, it's your journal, it's fine to complain here instead of or in addition to in your head. Even if writing the facts here gives you just 1% reduction in whatever is whirling around in your subconscious or gives you 0.5% better mood or more energy, it's a good thing!

I have a ton of respect for you managing to get back into the working world and managing to keep working! Considering the state you were in before you had to go back to work and all the things you had to contend with beforehand and are still contending with now, I think it's phenomenal. I'm not checking back in your journals, but I did have the impression we have some similarities in the extent of our cptsd, iirc you have OSDD or DID in addition too, yet you're holding up at work and managing to go grocery shopping. I would be long since in a state of total collapse. I know 'they' say, don't compare, but maybe hearing how capable you are compared to me for example can make you feel a little better? I'm in no way trying to minimise your suffering! I hope I haven't  triggered you, I wish instead that your ex-H had been way more supportive and life had treated you better so you wouldn't be in such a grevious situation. I wish you had a magic money tree so you could spend your time and energy on recovery rather than surviving at the workplace!

Thinking of you and sending some virtual   for when you don't get out. Plus lots of good energy from OOTS 

[Hope67]

Dear Not Alone,
I am also sending you some virtual hugs    and I hope that today is going ok.  Thinking of you.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Armee, Blueberry, and Hope, thank you. I meant to respond, but haven't had the capacity. I hope to respond in the future.



I was going to write, but found my fingers frozen, like the rest of me. I doing really badly.

[Blueberry]

  

[Armee]

 

Hey Not Alone,

Just thinking about you. I felt so sad for you feeling so frozen and feeling so badly. I wonder how you are doing this week? Even though I couldn't reply when you wrote before I have been reading and thinking of you and all you've been through. You're amazing and strong Not Alone.