Not Alone on a New Path (2023-?)

[Not Alone]

I normally start a new journal in January, but it didn't seem right to do that while I was in the middle of a divorce. Ex-H has moved out of the house, so now is the time. I was going to name this journal "Not Alone A.D." (After Divorce). Although the divorce is highly impactful, I did not want to make the divorce something defining me. I see life as a journey, so "new path" seemed like a good, fresh description of the road ahead.

[Not Alone]

This entry might be longer than I usually post. I am catching up from the time I wasn't able to be on OOTS.

My ex-H moved out of the house ten days ago. I helped with the move. I expected a lot of feelings, but what I did not anticipate was being triggered when I drove up to his townhouse by the time when he flipped on me keeping our house.

April:

This morning my H told me he was going to look at a townhouse that a friend of a friend was selling. He saw it and wasn't crazy about it, but he is seriously considering buying the townhouse and me buying/staying in our house.

We see the mediator tomorrow.

Today has been beyond horrible and crazy-making.

Yesterday my H gave me hope that I would be able to stay in the house. This morning he said how far the townhouse was from MY work. In other words, I should buy the townhouse. I reminded him that I can't get a loan until I have a month of paychecks from my job that starts in July. I cannot move and be starting my new job. IT IS TOO MUCH!!!!

Then he said, "Neither of us want a divorce. Maybe we should take a couple years and work on our marriage." What!!!!!!!! You are saying this now!? After the * of the last nine months? An hour before our last mediator session?

Crazy-making

Then we had session with the mediator. I won't go into all those details, but my H acts all nice. It was difficult, to say the least.

Yesterday, H wanted me to see the townhouse. We went after the session. He did such a turn around, I was confused. He asked what I thought. For me or for you? He wants ME to buy it. He didn't like it, but he wants me to buy it. Several times he has said that he wants our house and to stay with our son. Well, I want that too. I have no legal recourse. If we took it to the judge, he would order the house sold, then we all lose.

I am really confused and upset. I still don't have a place to live. As I look at what he did to me today, not even including the last 27 years, I need to get away from him. He is manipulative and selfish. To do what he did today shows zero care for me, despite how he says things that appear caring.

I still can't believe what he did to me; gave me some hope then totally flipped and manipulated me. It was cruel.

H did buy the townhouse and I have "our" house. Besides being triggered by the trauma of him flipping about the house, I felt grief when helping him to move. Many years ago, someone advised me that when I move I should keep my linens accessible and make the bed as soon as possible. I've always followed that advice. When I moved ex-H into his new place, I made his bed for him. To me, it felt like a loving, caring thing to do. He said thank-you. To him, it was something done, check off the list, thank you for doing that. It wasn't something that would lead to connection or feelings of care. That has been true for 27 years. I would anticipate feelings of connection stemming from an event, but the connection wasn't there. This time I had no expectations for an emotional response from him.

I also spent some time scrubbing his kitchen cupboards.

He asked the kids and I out for lunch. I declined. I had reached my emotional limit.

A week before H's move, one of our daughters asked me if she could move back home. Absolutely. I won't go into details about that, but it is a good thing.

That meant that I had two days to move my stuff from the small bedroom that I've been living in for the last 18 months, to the master bedroom. A friend came and helped me, for which I was very grateful. I still have stuff on the floor. My hope is that I can organize the remaining items and figure out where those things should go.

The first day after H moved out, I was still sleeping in small bedroom and most of my items were in the master bedroom. I felt disoriented. The Littles were very disoriented, confused and upset.

Two days after H moved out, I went on vacation with my siblings. I anticipating crying and crying, letting the grief out. That did not happen. Maybe if I had been with one of my sisters, that would have happened. My other sibling has moments of empathy, but she tends to justify and minimize. I was too vulnerable to take that chance. I ended up feeling depressed, sad, and mostly alone.

I also did some work while I was there. Between me working and feeling so down, it was not a nice week.

When I got back home, daughter had moved in.

Yesterday was a family event so I had to be with ex-H.

Today is Father's Day, so the kids will be with him. I will be happy to have some time at the house to myself.

I keep expecting ex-H to pull into the driveway. Considering that I've been home for two days and he's been here both of those days, and the fact that I was married to him for 27 years, it makes sense that my body feels the tension of anticipation of him coming to the house.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, it's a lot.  just a real lot of emotions, feelings, thoughts, memories - so much kit and kaboodle going on.  personally, i see it as 'your' house now, instead of 'our' house, but 27 yrs. of sharing space leaves a lasting impression.  i certainly get it about the physical anticipation of his arrival. 

i hope you are able to be gentle w/ yourself while you go thru this.  and i'm glad your D moving in w/ you is a good thing.  sending love and a hug filled w/ support.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, best wishes navigating this new time for you.  I appreciate you sharing the experiences.

[Bach]

Notalone, I remember when you wrote that last spring.  I'm really glad that you are able to stay in the house and that your daughter is moving in.  Wishing you the best on this new path! 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, San, Rainy & Bach.

[Armee]

I like the new title. 

There's so much change. That was beyond generous of you to help H and to make his bed. 

I hope you and Littles adjust relatively quickly and that your childrens'presence helps.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Armee.

I am so tired. There is so much to do with getting ready for new job and getting my chaotic house in order. I took a bunch of stuff to resale today, so that is a step in the house chaos. I had a few hours today when my anxiety was not at 8 or 9. It's rising again. Tomorrow morning I have to go to work and sign papers for my new job. I hope it isn't confusing.

I feel like I'm at the convergence of three trains crashing. 1. Grief of divorce. 2. Stress and fear over new job. 3. House in chaos.

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
You've been through so much - I've just read what you wrote in this new journal just now - feel the enormity of everything - it's huge.  I can see how much it's affecting you - you feel like you're in the convergence of those three trains - but I very much also hope that you can have some protection (maybe in a bubble at the interconnection of those things) to keep you safe and to help you negotiate your way.

I think you're signing your job papers today - I really hope it goes ok, and that it isn't confusing. 

You took that stuff to the resale - that's definitely a step to reducing the house chaos. 

I want to also send a hug to you and all your parts 

Hope 

[Moondance]

Thinking of you Not Alone and sending you safe and comforting hugs to you.

 

[sanmagic7]

notalone, those really are 3 big trains! little by little, you already know.  whittling away, they will become either manageable or finished.  hope the signings go smoothly.  wow - i remember when the job thing was 3 mos. away, and now it's almost here.  sending love and a hug filled w/ smooth, gentle, and patience

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you Not Alone during this convergence. 

[Not Alone]

I appreciate everyone's support.

I feel so overwhelmed and panicked about my upcoming new job. I get something done and another three things pops up on my radar. I'm drowning.

[cyberJudas]

I wish you the best of luck with your new job. I can imagine how overwhelming all these changes must feel for you. I am sure your daughter is glad she is welcome home with you. Sending you hugs and hope for an understanding work environment. You deserve patience and care right now.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, cyber Judas.