Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks, all. I owe you an update.

TL;DR version - I don't have cancer.

I received a snail mail letter from the hospital last week with the report from the CT scan. Basically the usual pat on the head, "nothing to worry about", "give it time", "we don't want to see you". Then some notes for the GP full of jargon which of course I could, and did, Google. Micro nodules on the lung and some areas of lung collapse. Joy. 

I gave up trying to get the blood results out of the surgery and asked jerk GP when I saw him last Friday. He had them and they were fine (as I expected). He had not received a copy of the hospital letter, which put him right on the back foot. I provided him with a copy. He also saw the huge sheaf of preparatory notes and questions I had. I had no real chance to discuss anything in depth with him because he very quickly said I should have a specialist referral. That is what I wanted. Jerk GP pretty much admitted he is out of his depth here and was annoyed a) that he had not been sent a copy of the hospital letter and b) that the hospital had not responded to some requests for advice he had himself put in to the hospital.

NHS wait time is at least 4 months but he was happy to do a private referral. That is good because the consultant will report back to jerk GP and any recommended medications ongoing will be prescribed by jerk GP on the NHS. If I went through the private GP I'd have to pay full price and respiratory drugs/inhalers can be very expensive.

Jerk GP gave me names of the 2 private consultants locally. One is not covered by my insurance (and would not have been my first choice). The other had clinics at such wildly inconvenient times that I started looking further afield. The hospital close to FOO is not much further than the one I usually go to. The consultant there is covered by my insurance and when I researched him I was delighted to find his PHD studies were specifically on exercise modalities and lung function. That is EXACTLY what I have been trying to find out more about. I actually said to jerk GP at the last appointment "I need to find out if, and how, I can exercise my way out of this." To find a medic who has a definite interest in exercise is glorious as far as I am concerned. All the ones I have seen so far pay lip service but don't actually know much about it and don't seem to do any. So I will be seeing this new consultant next week. 

[Desert Flower]

That is great news NarcKiddo! I'm so happy to hear it isn't cancer. And jerk GP finally got you what you needed! This is the best possible outcome! 

[Chart]

Well done NK! You really had your ducks lined up and burrowed through. (Maybe not with ease, but you got the results that you knew you needed. Congrats!!! And very happy to hear that the diagnosis isn't extreme.
 

[Blueberry]

It's great it's not cancer!!

So happy for you that you have an appt next week with a consultant who sounds promising.

[Armee]

I am so glad you have confirmation this is not cancer, so angry at all the nonsense they have put you through, and really hoping you get some answers sometime soon...and treatment that helps.

[rainydiary]

I hope that you continue to find information about your health that is helpful and affirming.  Reading your post made me feel so many things about the systems we have to navigate when we are ill and need help with how our bodies and minds are working. 

[NarcKiddo]

I was really happy with the consultant. He did not talk down to me. He asked me what I was hoping to achieve from the consultation. He answered all my questions. He realised I am sensible and well-informed and said I could exercise as I please. He confirmed my CT scan did not show anything of major concern. He agreed I could immediately come off the steroid inhaler jerk GP was pushing on me. He is sending me for lung function tests to see where my lungs are at and then we will discuss what (if anything) can be done to improve them.

In a glorious turn of events, I found a record of an exchange jerk GP had with the NHS hospital about the letter jerk GP claimed not to have received. Jerk GP complained to the hospital consultant about it. The consultant informed jerk GP it had been sent electronically and checked the audit trail, which confirmed when it had been delivered to jerk GP's surgery. He informed jerk GP that he should investigate the admin processes in his own surgery because that has to be the cause of the problem.

My mother appears to have decided my lung problem simply does not exist. I visited FOO and father asked for news. Mother immediately absented herself for a cigarette and then busied herself with the cooking. We were all in the kitchen, so she could hear the subject of the conversation but she ostentatiously dragged my sister away from the table to help her with the cooking and ignored the whole topic.

A couple of days after seeing the lung consultant I telephoned and father answered. He had shown (feigned?) great interest in my lung problem at my visit so I told him about the consultant and he could not get off the phone fast enough to hand me to mother. Mother talked at me about a couple of things and then said she had to get on with the cooking. She did not do her usual tick box exercise of asking if I had any news, so I had no chance to tell her about the lung consultant. I was not particularly itching to tell her but it suits me for them to know about it because appointments are taking place in their town. I will likely want to combine appointments with visits to them, but it may mean at different times to usual and I would be questioned about that. Since I had reported to father it was likely he would liaise with mother and would have expected her to have the latest news. I did not want to be accused of keeping information from her. In the end I sent a brief update to the family chat group which had the added bonus of keeping sister in the loop.

Sister asked a couple of questions. There was total silence from mother. That evening and first thing the following morning she swamped the group chat with reports of a skin complaint and then an eye complaint of my father's. Later she swamped it with other stuff.

I don't care that she does not care but I am interested in this latest tactic. It's not a particularly familiar modus operandi so I need to keep on my toes, I think.

[Desert Flower]

I'm really glad the consultant turned out so great. 

And at the same time it makes me sad reading about how your family treats you. It sounds like an unbelievably toxic environment. And you're being so considerate and polite. My heart goes out to you because you deserve so much more than this. So I'm sending you warmth, support, hugs and all you need

[Chart]

I don't care that she does not care but I am interested in this latest tactic. It's not a particularly familiar modus operandi so I need to keep on my toes, I think.

Is it possible that because you have changed, some old family patterns are falling by the wayside?
Just a thought.

[NarcKiddo]

Is it possible that because you have changed, some old family patterns are falling by the wayside?
Just a thought.

Yes, I think you are right. They have to react differently to me if I am presenting them with something new, I suppose. That could be good but I don't trust my mother as far as I could throw her. It is highly likely that new family patterns will be equally as toxic as old ones. Although if I do not have old coping mechanisms to trip me up because the situation is unfamiliar to me I am hoping that new behaviours will at least allow adult me to remain in control.

[Chart]

It's like Armee's metaphor of the toolbox. Keep changing you're own tactics through  anticipating what you know is still there. Ultimately this self-work is the equivalent of healing: just simply not feeling pain because we know these people will never give us what we want and need.

[Bach]

I'm really glad the consultant turned out so great. 

And at the same time it makes me sad reading about how your family treats you. It sounds like an unbelievably toxic environment. And you're being so considerate and polite. My heart goes out to you because you deserve so much more than this. So I'm sending you warmth, support, hugs and all you need

[dollyvee]

Hi NK,

As an outsider (with years of experience haha), it looks to me like your m is refocusing the attention away from you and onto her/the family/what she deems interesting/needed as a way to minimize you, and your very real and important health concerns. It's a way of keeping control, isolating, and probably a play at diminishing your self worth while keeping hers elevated. All under a thin veil of concern perhaps for you, which is a protection of her own ego and the likely view that she's a "good" mom.

I used to tell my gm everything about my health, or what was going on in my life. She wanted to be that person that I could talk to and I wanted (needed) her to be that person. So, I would go into these encounters open, hopeful I guess and after I had "got it out," the conversation would turn around to her, or what her health concerns were. It wasn't a mutal sharing, but you might be sick, but look at what I have to deal with. To me, it just felt like not being heard, but telling me she loved me, which was a thin veil of concern hiding her own selfish needs. Emotionally, it was immensely challenging to unpack, or even understand.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Armee]

Oh NK. These narcissists are so draining and also amusing as long as you are on the outside looking in and not experiencing it yourself. But since you are in it, it is mind-bending and can be very hurtful too.

I actually don't see much new in her tactics here. She has probably simply latched onto some bit of "good news" like "not cancer" and has decided she and everyone else has given you more than enough attention and will not recognize there is still something difficult for you going on. She has marked this as closed in terms of being an acceptable topic to pull attention away from her.

They are toddlers in their behavioral range, with the emotional charge and range of a teenager, and all the pettiness of an old person who has accumulated a lifetime of grievances. My heart goes out to you.

But I am so so happy your medical consultant listened to you and is taking the appropriate next steps. I hope you can get to the bottom of this soon. And I'm smirking with you at the GP's mistake with the hospital results records.

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for your support, all.

Dolly - yes it is very hard to unpack and understand. And you are right that she believes (or wants to believe) that she is a good mother.

Armee - it's funny you should comment about them being toddlers. I often say to my T she is like a giant toddler. She treats me as a toy. Sometimes she loves her toy (in a toddler way) and at other times she rips the head off the toy, and then loves the toy again and demands the toy have its head sewn back on. Except of course in my case the toy is supposed to sew its own head back on!  And yes, you are correct in your view that the topic has gone far enough in pulling attention away from her.

My lung problem continues not to exist for her. I have just come off the phone after arranging a visit. The visit will be after an appointment in their town, which I told her. I did not specify what it was. She would normally ask but she must know it can only be medical so she studiously did not ask. Later in the conversation she said she was amused about the GP getting scolded by the hospital consultant. I had sent a copy by email to the family because they love put-downs and would find it entertaining. But even then she did not ask about my health.

In fact she asked nothing about me at all. Which is fine as I hate her asking me things. But it's still rude. She did inform me that we could pay for the family Christmas dinner at a local restaurant and that could be their present from us. We had planned to anyway, and did it last year, but still. Her presumptions are breathtaking sometimes.