Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[NarcKiddo]

I've realised that not being told about my father's latest health news is just part of the classic narc discard/pick up again pattern of behaviour.

I'm like some toy that is sometimes in favour and sometimes flung to the back of the toy cupboard.

I dared to go on holiday and then be ill and not visit so maybe I was being punished for that? Being shown that I am not important in the greater scheme of things?

My sister was visiting recently so there was plenty of supply. A few hours after she left mother started messaging me with updates and now we have gone back to the usual levels of contact plus requests for assistance with odd bits and pieces.

In among the conversations my mother actually remembered to ask after a long-standing but not acute health issue of my husband. Nobody in my FOO has asked whether I am feeling better. That last sentence feels a bit moany and full of self-pity. I don't mean it that way. A cold is a cold. Mine was nasty but hardly life-threatening. But if someone has been unwell enough to call off a planned visit, would you not ask after their health the next time they are in contact? I can understand my father not doing so. He has not even asked how my holiday was. That is a measure of how much he is actually struggling with his own health issues, since he is normally unfailingly polite.

[storyworld]

I didn't read your thoughts as moany or self-pity. I recognized the hurt of not being cared for and valued. It hurts when the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally seem oblivious to us.

[Papa Coco]

Narckiddo

You're most likely right, that the lack of inclusion in your dad's health is definitely a punishment. Just remember, bullies always go after the nicest person in the room. They're bullies. They like inflicting misery onto the people who will be most affected by it.

To narcissists, inclusion/isolation is the goal of every game they play. Their goal is to make you feel like you are not included in their drama party. No doubt they've been doing it to you their entire lives. Why should this situation be any different?

The notion that they don't ever ask you how you are doing is a sign that they don't really care about you. You're not being whiny when you bring that up, you're being a detective who is noticing a behavior pattern meant to hurt you by miserable people who want to hurt you so they don't have to face the truth...that THEY are unlovable and need to use tricks and strategies to manipulate family.

Narcissists know they are unlovable. That's what fuels their hatred for us good people. Jealousy. People love us because we're kind and lovable. Nobody loves the narcissists. Family has to be manipulated into caring for them. Nobody wants to be near them or their hateful ways and, deep down, they know it.

I'm sorry they are using the non-inclusion play on you right now. Logically it should make us happy that people we don't like are choosing to stay away from us. But this is family and it hurts even though it shouldn't. I'm sorry they're doing this to you. My family did it to me so many times I can't count. So I know that it hurts...even though it shouldn't.

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks, storyworld and Papa Coco.

Today, I just want to say that I blithering well hate emotional flashbacks. My husband has unwittingly unleashed the most enormous one which has resulted in my running to old behaviour patterns of shutting down and people-pleasing as that is emotionally the most familiar and therefore easiest thing to do. I have a therapy session today, which you would think would be good, but since my reaction has involved my having to change the date of next week's session I am now unsure whether I even want to talk to my T about it. I guess I should. I'm scared she will tell me to be strong and put myself first and keep my therapy session to the original time. So I changed the date before she could say that. And I should probably tell her that, too. But I don't want to. It's probably going to be a session full of me crying, and I hate those. Ugh.

[Armee]

 

I hate them too, especially when I can see what's happening but still feel utterly powerless to stop it and the ensuing behaviors.

Hey if you have spare tears at your appointment you can allot a few for me, if you don't want them all! I can't cry at my appointments, would love the release. Too bad we can't trade a little.

[Denali]

  I'm sorry you're going through an EF.

I think it's important to do what is helpful and comfortable for you.

When I was seeing a T, it was about wanting to share and being ready to share.

I can empathize with not wanting to be told to be strong when you're going through a rough time. 

Sending support and best wishes to you!

[sanmagic7]

NK, if you do end up crying w/ your T, i hope those tears can be channeled into release, relief, or cleansing.  i know it's difficult to cry, sometimes, cuz of all the pain that goes w/ it.  i'm not very good at it myself. 

i don't know about being told to be strong - i've had that too many times in my life.  isn't there any room for just feeling how you're feeling?  as someone told me, maybe just curl up, cry, sleep, be away from the world for a bit.  those EF's can be nasty.  i think it's ok to just let yourself be every so often.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks, everyone.

Yes, I cried. I also told her the things I was reluctant to tell her. As I said to her "If I can't tell you, then who can I tell?"

She was lovely and supportive and helpful. As she always is. I don't know why I feared she would tell me to be strong because she never actually tells me to do anything. Everything I do is up to me. She might make suggestions of things I could think about to try. She might tell me if she thinks I am avoiding something. But that's as far as she has ever gone. I think once I get into an emotional child state, as I do in an EF, I assume people will treat me like my mother would. Especially my T since I guess she is sort of taking the place of a mother in terms of helping me to learn how to manage my emotions. So I expect to be engulfed and directed what to do, which would usually be whatever I would least want to do.

Like I said to someone else on another thread, every time I interact with my T and the sky does not fall as I assume it will, I am building a new neural pathway. Eventually I hope to have enough lived experience of good instead of danger that I may be able to start expecting that. It's a long, slow job. And very frustrating when my logical brain tells me one thing and my emotional brain tells me another. It would be nice not to be so terrified of pretty much everything. So I just have to screw up my courage and tell things to my T. And now that I have experience of therapy it really grinds my gears if I hear people allege that therapy is for the weak. 

[woodsgnome]

Well put, NarcKiddo.  It's interesting how your self-expectations didn't pan out as you feared might happen, and was able to relax enough to find an honest outlook.

What you said also speaks to the joy of finding a T who can truly be there, present for you and aware of your needs. Reminds me of my own T in that way; sometimes I just wanted to let her tell me what to do, but she never fell for it -- trusted me enough to know I had the capacity to find my own way forward.

it's good to see you, and maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to find more of the good kind of surprise in store as you venture past all those old self-defeating habits and beliefs that hold us back from finding our way again.

[Kizzie]

I 100% understand not wanting to tell my T how I really feel NK, in part because I don't want to know or say it out loud, then it's out there forever, and because I really don't want to feel any pain. My T will ask me if she can question or challenge me about something she's picking up on. Most every part of me screams "No way, absolutely not" because I'm so afraid it is going to be painful and I'm going to fall apart. But, there's a tiny part that's really curious and does want to know where she might go. So far I've said yes and I'm still here to tell the tale.

I think NK it's similar to when you say "If I can't tell my T who can I tell?" If not my T asking the harder questions then who? She is like your T from the sounds of it - gentle, kind, supportive - it doesn't get better or safer than that.  That said, I so agree how tough (and courageous) it is to keep going.         Bravo to you and to all of us who keep going and doing the hard work!

[NarcKiddo]

Well, I've finally got out of that EF. That was a tough one but I am glad I saw it for what it was and could work through it.

I have a weekend with my FOO coming up soon. That will be stressful but I was talking about it with my T yesterday and I have another session with her before I go, so I will be well prepared. Since starting therapy I have found my FOO interactions less scary in prospect and I have felt less triggered when they are happening, unless narc mother is directly targeting me. However I am much better at grey rock and deflection so she targets me much less these days as I am probably quite unrewarding in my outward reactions to her. I remain as emotionally drained after them but nevertheless this is really good progress.T has reminded me that even if my mother is directly targeting me it is her stuff, not mine. It may be unfair and unreasonable but I have not brought it on myself and do not have to take it personally. Easier said than done, but, yeah.

I have realised one of the problems of these annual weekends with FOO is that while I am away my husband has time to himself and he will often make plans for us. He thinks they are things I will like and he is a bit like an excited kid when I get home. He wants to tell me the plans. He thinks they might cheer me up after what he knows has been a stressful time for me. Then if I don't display immediate enthusiasm he thinks I don't like the idea at all and gets all deflated. In truth it is just that I need to decompress. Any suggestions, however nice, or requests for my input, feel like emotional missiles raining down on my head and I cannot deal with them. I talked this through with my T yesterday. She agrees it is a great idea for me to discuss this with my husband before I go and to explain that until I tell him I have decompressed I do not want to be asked to think about anything or make any decision about anything whatsoever. I just want to tell him about my trip and hear about his time or even just watch TV and discuss nothing in particular.

[Armee]

I know that no matter how prepared I was and no matter how much grounding I did, going anywhere near my mom, my mom's possessions, or my mom's house was never without impact, even if everything went fine. Even yesterday I noticed a reusable shopping bag that had been hers on the floor of a closet stuck behind a bunch of stuff. She's been dead almost 2 years and still the sight of something as basic as that throws me. Or I saw her handwriting on a file the other day and had to throw it away. So I Will be with you in spirit this weekend, with a great big roll of invisible bubble wrap to wrap around you for some protection. Cause this stuff is no joke. 

T once told me, when my mom was still alive, that when I would interact with her it was no different than sending a soldier who still had PTSD back into war. He said it might sound like an exaggeration but it wasn't at all. He is not one to talk like that. It took him years to name this as PTSD for me and his primary orientation at the time was CBT, not trauma therapy. I don't say that to make things feel bad. But to be gentle with yourself and accepting if you do have a difficult time after your visit that this is extremely difficult. And even a 1% reduction in distress before or after is huge given the amount of distress interacting with these people cause.

It's super wise to talk to your H about what you need before you go. 

[Eireanne]

Hi NarcKiddo - agree with Armee, preparing for something, doing cognitive rehearsal, planning out grey rock - all good in theory until something gets under the armor and you're caught off guard.  The feelings of wanting to avoid that sucks and what you're doing is (as Armee says) no joke. Easier said than done indeed. If it helps to think of us silently there with you, holding your hand if you need it, reminding you that it's NOT YOU, and you're having a normal response to what you are experiencing...I am keeping you in my thoughts NEXT weekend.  Thanks for the clarification.  Can still send good thoughts this weekend as well

Hoping the conversation with your H goes well.

[Kizzie]

Oh I so understand the H coming up with things and then picking a time when all I need is to let my system settle. He gets the deflated look too which I totally get so I finally told him as directly and respectfully as I could that I just can't handle much except stress free time after therapy or other triggering things.

He gets it now, that it isn't personal, so hopefully your H will get it too. Good luck with that and this weekend. That old grey rock and not feeding the N was the best advice I ever got from OOTF. I am no longer a target for my NM or NB although if I opened that door even just a little ....  My NM is still stepping and fetching for her and she is not overly kind towards him. I sort of feel bad for him but he's an N too so he can give as good as he gets. I'll leave them to it.   

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks, all of you. I will certainly take comfort and strength from knowing you all have my back. 

It is not actually the weekend just about to come upon us, it is next weekend. So I will have some actual as well as virtual OOTS support because one of our Zoom sessions is scheduled for the day I arrive there. I don't see why I should miss it just because I am in the viper's nest so I plan to pretend I have an unavoidable work conference and take myself off to somewhere private with my phone.

Armee - what your therapist said about it being like sending a soldier back into war really resonates with me. My own has not said that but ever since I told her about these family gatherings she has been doing her utmost to help me find the resolve to boycott them, or at least refuse to stay overnight as I live close enough that I could go home each evening. I've been surprised at how she never misses an opportunity to make me justify to myself just why I am putting myself through the occasion as she is generally very gentle with me and does not push me hard in places that hurt.