Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[Moondance]

Hi Narckiddo,

Im a little late but I'm with you in the preparation for FOO weekend and during the weekend.
You have an "army" behind you.   

I agree with your T and everyone - this is no small feat.  It's like going in the lion's den to me so I really admire your courage and willingness.  Yes, an even better description is "like sending a soldier back into war".

 

[sanmagic7]

NK, i think it's a great idea that you'll have a zoom session while you're in the midst of FOO wkend.  and, yeah, got your back, too.  we're here for you.  strength in numbers and all that. love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

My parents have had a problem with their home telephone. I fully get this is a little more than a nuisance in their case because my father has cancer and the hospital tends to call them on their home phone (though they both have mobile phones too).

It was pretty clear to me that it was a problem with the phone equipment and not the line. The equipment is old and gets heavy use as my mother adores lengthy conversations.

They got an engineer round on Monday morning to check the line. My mother then posted a barrage of updates on the FOO WhatsApp. Literally a blow by blow account of how the engineer could not work out what the problem was (although I knew this must be rubbish because she said what messages the equipment was giving and it was obvious even to me that it was the equipment at fault and not the line). I get message previews on my watch so I could see what was going on without showing I had read the messages. The barrage got ever more intense. The engineer was 'sweating blood'. The engineer was 'having trauma'. Then she included things like 'you may have to phone us so the engineer can check the line'. I merrily ignored it all. Since both parents have mobile phones, and it is inconceivable that the telephone engineer does not have one, they had access to ample telephones with which they could call the land line.

She must in the end have got a neighbour to feed her drama because the neighbour has now given them some telephones he no longer uses so she has not had to buy new ones.

My sister did not respond to the messages either, though she works in an office so had more of an excuse.

I rather enjoyed being strong enough not to allow myself to get sucked into any of this drama. But the real glory? We are now being given the silent treatment. I was expecting a call Monday evening or yesterday to test out the new phones from the neighbour. Nothing. She normally gives us endless daily updates on what my father will or will not eat. Nothing. My sister cracked early this morning and posted a message on the FOO WhatsApp asking after our father. No reply as yet and it is now lunch time here.

As for me? Happy as a clam. Silence is golden.

[sanmagic7]

well done, NK, for resisting the drama.  silence certainly can be golden.     love and hugs

[Armee]

Oh my goodness I am smiling ear to ear at your silent treatment. Enjoy!!!

Oh my gosh the drama. Whew how exhausting! Good job staying out of it.

They are so petty, aren't they? Ignoring your sister's question. My mom would do stuff like that. If I told her I could talk between 5pm and 7pm she'd intentionally call at 710 (being retired and a shut-in, mind you). If I didn't answer to keep a boundary (an important one, around time with my kids) she would then ignore my calls when I'd call her back. Oh my goodness they are so twisted.

Enjoy that silence as long as it lasts! 

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,
That period of silence does sound good.  You kept your boundary, and sounds like that went well.
Hope 

[Moondance]

Silence is golden for sure.

I smiled and am elated at your success and that you're happy as a clam. So so awesome!

  

[natureluvr]

Narckiddo, this is great!  Isn't it great when the trash takes itself out, and you don't have to?  Meaning when a PITA relative ignores you, and it's peaceful and blissful without them.  Great job on not getting involved in the drama and ignoring all the messages! 

[NarcKiddo]

Greetings from the vipers nest! It has not been a good day. Went out for a meal last night with my husband to our favourite restaurant. That was nice but the manager gave us a hefty cocktail for free at the end of the night. It was lovely but I slept badly due to impending FOO visit and ended up with a hellish hangover. The journey here took three times longer than it should due to traffic. I started having palpitations before setting off and all through the journey. Mother is on edge and thus extra volatile. The only good thing was the OOTS zoom group. We discussed some difficult topics and we were really able to support one another. And it felt kind of subversive in a good way because I had it while here and pretended to FOO it was a work call. It's just gone midnight so I'm about to have the first sleep of two here. I'm feeling better than I expected and did a good job at managing my stress and keeping my guard up. So that's pleasing.

[NarcKiddo]

Neighbours are away so their kids partied loudly in the garden until 4am! The silver lining to that cloud is that it gives FOO a conversation topic that is not triggering

[Armee]

 

[Kizzie]

Well you can probably keep her going on on that topic if you prompt her!  I'm so glad the Zoom group helped, it really helped me too.

I do not miss those required family events - my mother loved them, and I hated them but when I was not aware of her NPD I felt I had to attend. It really helped moving away from them and having an "acceptable" excuse like a posting when my H was in the military. Somehow at one point though we all ended up in Halifax NS, including my NB.  I just could not take it so we moved to the other coast of Canada.  That did not go over well but I found with my NM if we made up stories, in this case it had always been out dream to retire near the Rockies, she would buy it and she would then play the "good mother" with others about how happy she was we had found our dream home. It actually was awesome and the not having to see my family was the bonus.

Sorry, I'm blathering on but I do hope you are managing OK and remember to grey rock as you learned at OOTF (don't give them anything to load the drama gun unless it's about someone else), and don't JADE (justify, argue, explain or defend). Those two things worked incredibly well for me.  I think you said you've started not giving her much of a response and she heads off to find what she wants from someone else. 

Also, we aren't there in body but certainly are in spirit.  

[NarcKiddo]

I am out of there! 

The weekend went pretty well, all things considered. NM was complaining of some health issues but they improved over the weekend. She was generally on good behaviour and I was very much in control of myself and my reactions. So the whole thing was exhausting but not really bad. In some ways that brings its own difficulties because I can easily start doubting myself. Why did I dread it so much? Is the problem me rather than her? etc etc. You know the drill, I am sure. In truth the only reason these things go as well as they do for me, these days, is because I have some measure of control over my reactions. I am able to see when I am starting to struggle and stop the rot before it gets worse. I have tools to help me manage the situation and steer people away from problematic topics.

Anyway, that's that done for another year. Now visits can go back to the short ones which I find pretty easy to cope with.

[sanmagic7]

glad you're out.  love and hugs

[Bach]

In truth the only reason these things go as well as they do for me, these days, is because I have some measure of control over my reactions. I am able to see when I am starting to struggle and stop the rot before it gets worse.

You cannot ever let your guard down with an NM regardless of their being on "good behaviour."  I've made that mistake far too many times!  Well done on getting through it and not getting sucked in