Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[Moondance]

Happy that you made it out virtually unscathed NarcKiddo!

I am able to see when I am starting to struggle and stop the rot before it gets worse. I have tools to help me manage the situation and steer people away from problematic topics.

That's the key isn't it? We get to a point where we know /learn how to look after ourselves.  Great stuff!

  

[Armee]

Oh boy do I understand about how it's almost harder when it goes well. It's just so confusing.

[Kizzie]

Amen Bach, I've made that mistake too many times too.  Glad you're out and safe NK and good job on managing the situation     

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for the support, everyone. It is so very much appreciated.

I feel that I have now fully decompressed after 48 hours. It is kind of astonishing to think that it should take 48 hours even after a "good" visit.

As I had planned, I spoke with my husband before the visit and asked him not to bombard me with any plans or decisions immediately on my return. He was very happy to oblige and in fact made sure not to make any plans at all so he could not bombard me inadvertently. That was sweet. However, in a mark of just how stressful these visits are, I can report that while we were sitting in our summer house relaxing before dinner on my first night home he played me some song he had discovered and asked me what I thought of it. Even that was almost impossible for me to deal with in any meaningful way. I didn't like to tell him that because he had been so careful about trying not to bombard me. Yesterday (second evening home) he asked if I was fully recovered and I found myself saying yes, even though I was probably only 60% there. 

Mind you, I might have recovered faster if the usual family triangulation had not been going on post-visit. A rich cousin has written a book about his family and is throwing a very swanky party in a few months time to launch the book. We are all invited. I do not wish to go. It will just be standing around talking to a load of people I have barely met and won't meet again until some funeral or other. Cousin's invitation has made it clear the party is mainly aimed at his immediate family line and the rest of us are being invited because we are welcome but there is no expectation of attendance. Still, the level of notice makes it slightly awkward to claim something in the diary but it happens to clash with our wedding anniversary weekend so I had an elegant excuse and have already told him I am not going. FOO is twitteringly excited about this party and has assumed we are all going. Nobody asked me so I had said nothing, knowing it would come up at some point when my apologies had already been sent to and accepted by cousin.

When my husband came to collect me from the FOO weekend the party came up. Husband said we are not going as it is our anniversary. A silence fell. Father made some small talk about the party and the subject was changed.

Late that evening I got a message from my sister suggesting I try to change my anniversary plans so I can go to the party. I suspect this message was on mother's orders. In times gone by I would have claimed things like a prepaid trip that would be impossible to change. This time I said I was not interested in going to the party so had no intention of changing my plans. This will not go down well with mother but I couldn't care less.

[sanmagic7]

such a prickly stream to navigate, NK.  i'm glad you're decompressed finally.  i get it about your H's song and he wanting your opinion and that being just too much.  we've only got so energy in our brains.  love and hugs

[Kizzie]

I hear you NK, I got really tired of making excuses and eventually just started saying no and not doing the JADE thing.    They get used to it after a while but at first it's like they can't believe you would simply say no.  It rocks them back on their heels which I kind of came to like after a while.  I hope you can get to that stage too.

[Armee]

It's very hard to be honest about how much these interactions mess with us. I totally understand telling your husband yes when he asked if you were fully recovered. It's also OK to go back and say it was really more like half recovered. Work in progress over here (as you've personally witnessed!)...but the more I tell my husband the more he actually understands me, and that has been such a nice feeling, to finally make sense to him.

Great job both you and H standing firm in your "no" to the party. 

[Bach]

I'm so proud of you for not only standing firm in your refusal to go to the party but also being honest about why! As a freelance/contract worker I usually hide behind "big deadline" (whether I have one or not) and always wish I did not feel that I have to lie.

[Moondance]

Pretty awesome stuff NarcKiddo!

  

 

[NarcKiddo]

They're all going mad over this blasted party!

I happened to message my aunt yesterday as I heard on FOO weekend she has not been well. She mentioned in her reply she had heard I am not going to the party. I am getting no pressure from her, but the fact my mother (it is bound to be her) saw fit to tell my aunt is notable since my mother is not very keen on the aunt and normally tells her as little as possible.

Worse, though, my flying monkey sister continues to do mother's bidding. I had made it clear to her I was not changing my plans. Since I chose not to JADE and hide behind a prepaid trip they probably now think I might be able to change my arrangements. So sister is now claiming that she thinks my father would like me to attend, that he is planning some pre-party get together, and commented that he is head of the family. Eh? I thought only aristocracy and the mafia are bothered about who is head of the family. Am I wrong? (And in any case, my parents attend church regularly and presumably are aware that, Biblically speaking, my husband is actually head of my family now. Not that he is trying to exert any pressure, but if we are talking about authority...)

And even if my father is head of the family, what on earth does that have to do with my attendance at a party arranged by and aimed at another branch of the family? I know my mother claims my father is head of that branch of the family, too, as he is the most senior in age. But so what? Why is my attendance even necessary? They are not going there to spend time with me. They see me regularly. I am not preventing anyone from going to see relatives and spend time together. The gathering is so large that there will actually be no opportunity of meaningful conversation with anyone, which is mostly why I am not interested in going. What I object to is being wheeled out like a prize pig so my FOO can put on some show of family unity that nobody is even remotely interested in witnessing. When my father heard I was not going he did not say "What a shame". He did not mention this planned lunch. He made no effort whatsoever to get me to come. Which is fine by me. But does rather suggest that the "head of the family" is not bothered about my attendance. And if he wants to attempt to wield authority let him tell me himself.

End of rant. I am just working through some things in my head before I make my next move.

I am now reaping the benefits of therapy, though. Had this happened a year ago I would have been sent into a tailspin and would probably have backed down. Even if I hadn't backed down I would have been stuck in a horrendous EF for weeks. I am currently far from being at ease but the immediate, acute, trauma reaction from the latest messages did not prompt me into hasty action. I was able to wait until it subsided and then start to consider what I want to do. Consider what is tempting compared to what I actually need to do to get the end result I want. Since I currently wish to remain in contact, starting WW3 is not what adult me wants to do, though part of me would dearly love it.

[Kizzie]

OMG this takes me back.  The N web is there to ensure your continued compliant behaviour so it goes into full force at first over things like this. The thing that really helped me was ranting here so continue to rant away as need be, we will support you. Think of it as counterpressure     Eventually they will likely move on when they figure out you're not going to back down or JADE. They just don't have anything to aim at if you don't JADE and the sky will not actually fall even if it might feel a bit like it is at first.

[rainydiary]

NarcKiddo, that is a lot of stuff to navigate.  I appreciate your reflections as I think there is a lot of narcissism present in some of the dynamics I deal with, especially with my in-laws, that it's helpful to read how others manage.

[NarcKiddo]

I replied to flying monkey but kept my message short. I made the points that my non-attendance does not prevent others enjoying the occasion and that I don't see the relevance of my father being "head of the family" since the party is hosted by the cousin. I think flying monkey is getting cheesed off with her task as I got a curt acknowledgement with no further points. I guess it will all go away or else mother  will have to approach me direct, or instruct father to.

My husband is very pleased that I am standing up to them and holding my ground. I think he sees it as some sort of victory. I don't. I am pleased with myself on one level and glad I found the strength to stand firm. I may have to find yet more. It has been tough and tiring. I resent being put through all of this. I did not deserve the narc pile on for simply declining an invitation that was nothing to do with them. I was not snubbing some function arranged by them (though they are now suggesting this by mentioning the lunch my father is planning). They simply assumed that I am some cog in their machine and will do what they do and think how they think. Well, they can  off. I know we are not supposed to swear, but that's how I feel about it.

I have an appointment with T soon, which is good. But then she is off on holiday for 3 weeks so I really hope this does not bubble up while she is away. I'll cope if it does, especially as I know I can talk to all of you about it, but the timing is not ideal.

I did manage something good today, though. A lady I know from the gym is very keen on art and does classes. I've recently got back into art a bit and find it very therapeutic. I was put off it for years by NM for all kinds of reasons. Anyway, a new cafe has opened which has pottery painting facilities so I asked this lady if she would be interested in going with me. And she would like to do that. She also told me all about the art classes she attends and I might do that, too.

[sanmagic7]

NK, all those tricks - guilt, manipulation, repeating (hoping you'll wear down), and more can be tough to stand up to and recognize but it sounds like you're doing a great job. they'll keep coming until they fizzle out.  meanwhile i'm glad you have your T, your H, and us to help you stay strong.  and, yes, resisting these onslaughts can be exhausting and stressful.  you're doing great!  love and hugs

[Kizzie]

If it's any comfort NK, I felt the same way when I started saying no - absolutely po'd I was being put through the ringer. We really shouldn't have to go through such drama and pressure but that's why and how N's are so effective. If it helps, picture how gobsmacked they are by this change in your behaviour; that's a pleasurable image I would bring up in my mind's eye to counterbalance the irritation.

Anyway, glad to hear you're thinking about doing some art. It can be some really dark art if that helps, art is art and very cathartic.