Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[Armee]

Yay!!!! Oh my gosh I am jumping up and down clapping like a happy little girl at your art friend connection. That's awesome that you asked her to go with you and might join her for classes too.

The narc drama. Lord it is exhausting isn't it? They sure can  off.

I kind of agree with your H. This is a huge victory for you because you are asserting your right to not be bullied and to stand your ground and boundaries. The actual party is small but what you are doing is huge. And it's saying "nope. I matter and what I want matter." 

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks, all. 

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment in therapy the other day. Bach had recounted in her journal how her brain does not function when she is at her mother's house. I had only the previous evening said as much to my husband about me. I was telling the story of how a strange beeping noise at the FOO weekend had us all in a lather. It sounded like a phone but was in the region of a smoke detector. Mother said it could well be the detector battery running low because another had to be replaced a few months ago and the neighbour who replaced it commented that they had all been put in at the same time so the others would likely soon need changed. I found myself up a ladder trying to change the battery but could not get the cover off. Much panic and screeching from mother ensued until the neighbour was summoned to sort it out. And the problem was not solved because it was indeed a phone which had been lent by another neighbour and was in a bag waiting to go back to him. My husband said "but surely when you were up the ladder with your ear right next to the detector you could tell the noise was not coming from there". I stared at him and said I was unaware of anything while I was up that ladder except my mission to change the battery, and that my brain was simply not functioning.

I was chatting to my T about this, and what sort of mental place I was in etc etc. Obviously I was stuck back in a child place, desperately trying to obey mother and fix her problem. T said that stood to reason because I am so used to my mother controlling everything. And that was the lightbulb moment. She is a total sham, and she knows it. She is not in control of anyone (not even herself) and she does not have a clue. This is no surprise given her own childhood. But she has to feel in control and at the very least make others believe she is in control.

I was reminded of an anecdote I read in a newspaper article a couple of years ago. It resonated hugely. I could possibly even now write it out almost verbatim but I have never been quite sure why. The basic premise is that the author was on a walking safari in Africa. The walk was going on far longer than anyone expected. As walkers started to question, the guide reassured them that all was going according to plan. And then there came a moment when the author looked at the face of the guide, as he continued to grin and assure everyone their destination was just over the next ridge, and the author knew with absolute certainty that the guide was utterly lost. The guide refused to acknowledge this and the whole group had to walk blindly on, hoping they would eventually reach safety before their water ran out or someone got eaten by a lion.

That was my life as a child. I had no power. I had no agency. I had to obey my mother or face the consequences. I could not question her decisions or her authority. And yet I think I sensed from early on that the problem ran deeper. I was not safe with her but that was not simply because she was volatile and dangerous, because I was small and she was powerful. It was because she was not safe even for herself. None of us was safe in her hands because she had no idea what she was doing or where we were going.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, Narc, that must have been hard. I've had to silence smoke detectors that were both needing batteries and being faulty.  Every time, it sends me into a panic because it's so loud. Yet I get that you didn't hear it.   I would even say it's kind of like when you're in an accident, and someone suddenly can lift the car or something they couldn't normally do. Our brains can have so much control that we're not even aware of.

[Kizzie]

I guess that's one of the reasons N/alcoholic parents get so angry is their children question them. It might be that they will be revealed as terribly vulnerable and NOT in control.  Quite dangerous for them because from what I've read about Ns anyway, their egos are tiny, shrunken so very much in peril.

[dollyvee]

Hi NK,

I relate a lot to your dealings with your family and understand the stress of what you're writing about. The need for control stood out and how everything was fine as long as I didn't question it too much with my gm. If I did, there would be waterworks or a guilt trip, and my m was the one who would respond in anger and I just knew not to question anything. The last blow up/time I dealt with my m was when I did question her as I was hoping she would come through for me as a cosigner on something, but she couldn't answer one of the questions correctly about how many credit cards she had. I think she tried to come after me and I told her if she touched me I was going to call the cops. What a state for an adult to be in, not to mention a child.

On another forum someone asked if they tell people about their narcissistic family, and almost all responses said no, that they just tell them they're gone etc. because most people wouldn't understand. I get what you're saying and I hope you find some rest after the visit to calm your nervous system.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

I just have to get this story out, and it will probably be a long.

I was part of a discussion today about the lack of mothering so many of us have suffered. And how it is valuable if we can mother ourselves but how nice it would be if we could actually have experience of a proper mother.

Growing up I had an appalling experience of mothers. Mine was awful. Hers was worse. My paternal grandmother was lovely to me and was the closest person I ever had to a mother. I was fortunate to be able to spend some time with her in the school holidays but she lived far from us so regular and sustained contact was not possible. I think my mother would have become too jealous to allow that to happen anyway. My main friend's mother was a narc. She and my mother were as thick as thieves until they had a spectacular narc fallout over her son and are now sworn enemies.

My stepchildren had a mother who succumbed to drink and drugs and they had to come and live with us suddenly when she became unsafe for them to live with. I am sure I was a less than stellar stepmother - I had literally no idea how to be a mother. I suspect I may also have been jealous of their relationship with their father because I never had any sort of relationship with mine. They were old enough that I could tell them outright I would never be a substitute mother and they should not look to me for that. We muddled through and all get on fine now, so I guess something went OK.

When my stepson got married I marvelled at the close relationship between his wife and her mother. These people wanted to spend time together. They wanted to go on holiday together. Huh?

By then I had started the process of realising my mother is a narc. I happened to meet an older lady in our town, as we had the same breed of dog. We'll call her Mary. She had two daughters but one had died suddenly as an adult. Mary was not exactly looking for another daughter but she was maternal and caring. Mary took to calling at my house unannounced for a chat when she was out walking her dog. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is welcome unannounced at my house. I'd make my husband make an appointment if I only could. OK, I jest, but not entirely. But I was fine with Mary doing it.

I began to think that maybe Mary could be a sort of substitute mother to me. This thought felt good. I had not really done anything with it when my husband and I went away on holiday. My mother came to stay at our house and look after our dog. As Mary and my mother were a similar age Mary took it upon herself to invite my mother to tea and generally make herself available if mother needed any help in an unfamiliar town. My mother immediately made friends with Mary. I was only grateful I had not had time to develop my own relationship with Mary, but I have a strong suspicion my mother sensed I might be wanting to get closer to Mary.

Of course I immediately slammed my shutters down and turned Mary into an acquaintance. My mother would come to our town to visit Mary (not me). The "not me" part of that was at least gratifying. But often Mary would invite me to tea when my mother was visiting. I would get to her house to find my mother smoking. Mary and her husband did not smoke and nobody else smoked in their house. I expressed surprise. Mary reported my mother had put her coat and hat on and had said she would go out and smoke in the rain and looked so sad and pathetic that Mary could not permit it. So mother got to smoke in Mary's house, and she continued to do so on every subsequent visit, even if it was not raining.

Mary died a few years ago. Oh how my mother wailed about having lost her best friend ever. She did not bother staying in touch with Mary's husband even though he had been so kind in driving the ladies around on various outings. She visited once after the death to choose some mementoes from Mary's jewellery. She did not even attend his funeral, although it happened during Covid and attendance would only have been by Zoom. Apparently she "couldn't cope".

Ever since Mary died my mother would mention her pretty much every time we met. She would say "Oh, I miss Mary so much." Then mother started joining various local clubs. My sister and I encouraged this but when we asked what had brought this on all of a sudden, mother said "I need to find a replacement Mary."

She recently thought she had found a replacement Mary and immediately set about trying to engulf the woman. But the woman turned out to be pretty self-centred and was not a replacement Mary. So she has been dropped. A neighbour is currently serving time as the replacement Mary.

[Armee]

This story makes me so angry. I'm sorry. This reminds me much of how my mom was too. They all play the same games.

[dollyvee]

Hi Nk,

I'm very familar with people "taking over" things that are special to you. It's like we don't get to be present or have a voice in the world, or we will be overpowered. At least I think that's how my child self/parts interpret it.

I'm really sorry your m did that to you.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Bach]

That's evil, NK.  I hurt for you, reading that. 

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,
I also feel a range of emotions for  you, feeling that.  It makes me sad, and also some anger too - that you've been through those experiences.  Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope you're doing ok, NK.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I see I haven't posted in this particular journal this year. I've mainly been posting about medical issues in the more private journal area, but for some reason I felt I wanted to post here today.

I've been having medical investigations since October for symptoms that could be put down to any number of issues. I now have a diagnosis for a serious condition that could have been life-threatening if left to fester. And the symptoms were such that it could fairly easily have been left. I am lucky that it is actually curable with drugs and that I discovered it in time. It will take a while but I will get there.

I have kept the medical investigations secret from my parents (supposedly) but did tell a sibling. Those who have seen my other journal will know that my sibling broke my confidence and told our parents. Sibling denies having done so and FOO is going through a big round of arse covering right now, since all parties know they are not supposed to know.

I would never tell my sibling anything that I was not prepared to have the family know. So it was a test, really, which sib failed. I expected that outcome and knew my mother would never in a million years be able to keep fully quiet. She did quite well, actually, but the length of time the investigations were taking meant she tipped her hand eventually.

I kept the investigations secret partly because I could not face the constant questioning of progress and barrage of "oh, my life is over" from mother. Telling sib was stupid of me because I got a full barrage of questioning from sib. I told sib because there is some serious illness going on in FOO and I was hoping for some support as I did not attend every FOO summons. Silly me. Sib was the worst of all in pushing demands on me. Probably at instigation of mother, but still.

I have now made the diagnosis public to FOO. I toyed with the idea of not telling them, but my treatment will take a long time and I will possibly have to drop things at short notice for hospital summonses. Plus I just want to feel able to take care of myself with an explanation that even FOO will understand. Constantly fending off demands on me without an obvious "excuse" is just too hard. So I took the opportunity to make it clear I have boundaries around my ongoing health situation and that I will be enforcing them.

So far the reaction has been OK. I expected that. Past experience tells me that the reaction will likely get more tiresome as time passes, which is why I made it clear there are boundaries. When they are challenged I will have a document I can point to, saying "you were told xyz will/will not be happening".

What has been quite amusing is some of the family arse covering. Sib took the opportunity to deny, again, that my confidence was broken and to clarify that sib would not be telling parents that sib knew all along. FOO is clearly planning to hold the line. Mother has not so far confirmed in terms that sib broke  my confidence but I think that will happen in time. And it does not matter to me whether the truth comes out or not. What was interesting is that father seemed to feel the need to hold the family line by telling me the news was not a huge surprise because I have been looking ill for some time. I think this was meant to cover up the slip my mother made a couple of weeks ago which alerted me that my sibling had broken my confidence. She asked me on a very flimsy pretext if I was having medical appointments. I ignored the question and sib rushed to cover up.

The thing is that I have not been looking ill at all. Nor have I been acting ill around FOO. It is simply not safe to do so and I have since early childhood avoided giving any signal of vulnerability I am able to suppress. I have in the past been out to lunch with them in a restaurant while having a gallbladder attack and heart palpitations and hidden it completely successfully!

If my mother had the slightest chance of saying I looked ill she would have taken it in order to push me to admit to the medical investigations. Every time I have seen my father he has commented on how well I look. He may have hoped this would nudge me to say "oh, well, actually I am not all that well..." but it is a bit bonkers now to claim they all thought I looked ill but didn't like to say anything. Surely it would be quite normal and acceptable to say "Hey, NK, I don't think you look all that well. Are you OK?" Except of course they were burdened with knowledge of the investigations they were not supposed to know about and probably thought that is not a question they should ask. Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

And yes, on that note, I am the one who started the deception. It was not purely for my own benefit, though. The reason I asked sib not to tell parents was not purely to test loyalty. That was already firmly in doubt. It was to spare me the constant angst but also to spare them the constant angst of what was going on with me given my father's major health issues.

I'm not really sure why I wanted to write all of that, and write it here. Make of it what you will!

[Papa Coco]

NarcKiddo,

I apologize for this, but I was laughing through most of this post. Not maliciously, but in agreement. OH MY GOSH!  You are describing a typical Narcissistic Den of thieves.

In Basic Narcissism 101 (No such college course: But I've read several books on how Narcissists work and this is true in every book I've ever read on the topic), that how it works is a narcissist sits at the top. That N then builds a team by testing people until they know who will be snitches and who won't. The snitches are then called "Flying Monkeys" who confuse fear with loyalty. They're so afraid of being victimized by their leader that they become undyingly loyal to them as a way of being safe. Maybe this is sort of like fawning? What happens next is these Flying Monkeys, and the victims that they lord over, live lives of pointing fingers, making excuses, and just simply doing EVERYTHING in their power to shield their Narcissistic authority figure from having to take any blame for their behaviors. The most common attributes in a Narcissist-led community are: Chaos; Finger Pointing; Tattling; Lying; Betrayal; Starting and fostering a lifelong treadmill of little sub-wars within the group.

I'm sorry that your FOO is like it is, but mine was the same way, so I truly know how it feels. I'm impressed by your stance. You are taking it in stride. Nothing they've done has surprised you. I was given no choice but to go 100% No Contact with my FOO, but I didn't have the healthy understanding of who they are like you have with your family.

You are someone I look up to because of your ability to see the truth and deal with it. I see a stability in you that I didn't have when I was still connected with my FOO.

So I laughed as I read. Mostly because I'm impressed by you. My laughter was a compliment to you.

Keep up the good work, my friend!

[NarcKiddo]

You're such a sweetheart, Papa C. Thank you. And I am glad you laughed. I like making people laugh. 

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,
I am glad that you have been able to discover that medical issue in time for it to be treated - that is a big thing.  Sending you a caring hug, if that's ok 

Hope