I don't know if this is SI, but...

[NarcKiddo]

TW...I think it probably is SI in some form or other.

Last year I had surgery to remove my gallbladder. It was the first time I have been in hospital and under anaesthetic as an adult. (I had some eye operations as a child).

I found myself wondering if the surgeon or anaesthetist would ask me about resuscitation should the need arise. They didn't. I'm in my 50s and fit, so why would they, I guess? The thing is, my answer would have been that I did not wish to be resuscitated. I didn't dare to bring up the subject myself in case this made them send me post-haste to a mental hospital. (OK, I jest, but only a bit.)

This made me think about how my husband's fast driving terrifies me. He has tamed it a bit but he jokes about it and says "Oh no, we're all going to die." I just reply by saying "You speak the truth. We are all going to die one day." But what I really want to say is that I am not scared of dying. I am scared of being in an accident and thus dependent on other people, temporarily or permanently. If somebody said to me "You can be guaranteed a quick and painless death. Just close your eyes and that's it. The catch is that it has to be tonight." I would take that offer.

I've never mentioned this to my therapist and don't think I will, for the same reason I did not bring up the DNR at the hospital.

It's a strange sort of limbo, really. I don't actively want to harm myself or die. My life, currently, is pretty good on many levels. And yet I would have no qualms about walking away.

[Kizzie]

I have been asked a lot about suicide recently because I did end up in hospital due to depression and anxiety. At the time I just said I often don't want to wake up, that I would feel happy to be done with all the struggling and trying to recover, but that I would not take my life. So, passive SI.

It sounds like for you it's being dependent on others that is the issue, not so much being tired of living with trauma? 

[NarcKiddo]

Being tired of living with trauma is not the issue for me, as such. I mean, I am, but it's all I know. I sometimes wonder to my therapist whether it is just easier to stay on my tracks doing what I know. Whether digging into all of this is going to be worth it in the end.

Being dependent on others is not the issue either. Rather, I have realised it is a tipping point for me. As things stand, I can tolerate my life. It's not particularly fulfilling, hence my not having a problem about walking away. But it's not intolerable.

And it's not even being dependent on others, as such, now that I think about it. It's being in a position where I cannot defend myself against my FOO. I think my husband would protect me but given our relative ages and states of health I am likely to outlive him. My mother might, too.  My father might, though it's unlikely. My sister almost certainly will as she is younger than me, but I am not scared of her, only of parental triangulation. Once they have gone she poses no threat.

The diagnosis and subsequent operation brought this into stark relief. It made my mother display some truly awful behaviour. But the worst of it was that she offered/threatened to come to stay with us for some weeks to "help" as I convalesced. I refused this "kind" offer. I had to do so repeatedly as she did not want to take "no" for an answer.

As long as I am strong enough to protect myself from her I will be OK.

[Kizzie]

So it's being vulnerable and in a position where you're back in a place where your parents have some control over you that is the issue. It really speaks to how truly awful being vulnerable around those who abused us is that we would rather not be here than ever go through that again. 

I can relate but fortunately now don't have that problem since my NM is terminal. When she would visit in the past though I would be a basket case until we learned how to manage her more. Then it was much better but still all the past ghosts/demons were awakened and it would take me a long while to soothe and calm myself after she left. Those were the times in particular I would feel like I just didn't want to wake up, that I was too tired.

Eventually we moved across the country and went LC -- huge relief. I am in contact more now only because I want to show some compassion as her time winds down.  I can't bring myself to go visit though as having been in the hospital recently I am afraid I am too vulnerable/fragile. It has to me ahead of her, sad choices survivors have to make.

Someone said in a post somewhere on here that SI is something they do as a way of reassuring themselves there is a way out. It's like having that back door escape psychologically if not in real life.  Interesting thought.   

[Armee]

 

NK, Kizzie. 

NK...In my experience YES 1000 times YES it is worth digging in and processing the traumas. It is a painful process. But I would not ever ever go back to where I was 5 years ago. Which was not a horrible place. I didn't know anything was wrong, but I was pretty much dead inside. I'd do this a million times over to have the relief I have now. You know I am not symptom free by a long shot, but it feels so much better.