Hard to get started

[johnboy]

I have been able to spend time reading some of the posts here and feel fortunate that I am not alone, although I feel despair that other people are experiencing the same darkness that dominates my life. Recent times have been especially difficult for me but, as you will know, this is hard to discuss for one of a million reasons. However (and I am working so hard to silence all those internal forces telling me to shut down) I continue to fight, at 42 years of age, with a history of being sexually abused as a child, as a victim of prolonged bullying at school, as a person unable to cope with tragedy, trauma, failure, as a person who has fought depression, anxiety, self harm, addiction, attempts at suicide, social isolation, self hatred, shame and avoidance, as a person who has dedicated his working life caring for children who experienced similar upbringings (until fully breaking down two years ago), and as a person still capable of love, much love.

I am not really clear in my mind why I am here, but know that it feels right. I guess for now that is reason enough.

Regards from Derbyshire

[Jdog]

Johnboy-

A warm welcome and glad you took the first (and sometimes scary) step of posting to this forum.  It does sound like you have been through a lot of pain and heartache, and the fact that you can still confidently state that you are capable of much love is a tremendous testimony to the nature of your true self.

I hope that as you read and interact with others on this forum you will come to discover how very kind and caring people here are.  I, too, was bullied as a child ( and as an adult) and I know how terrible that can be.  You will heal and become more resilient in ways you never imagined, though the work will be difficult.  But it is so worthwhile, more important than anything else you will ever do (IMHO). 

Above all else, know that you are not alone.  Thanks for joining, and best wishes.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi johnboy
I am fairly new here too 
I agree it is both liberating and somewhat shocking that there are so many of us - it feels good to have such a place to come and share and learn about our recovery .
I am 42 on Monday and yes it has been a long and both up and down journey - I feel I am making some good headway now - with the right support hope and re covery to the life we were meant to live are so very possible-
I too took time off work after things hit bottom again - but now I work a 4 day week ( as a nurse) and it helps to keep life balance in check-
Have 5 yrs clean and sober and now have found recovery for eating which I am so grateful for -
Also recently started seeing a child trauma therapist via nhs and she is helping such a lot to educate me -
Self hatred is something I am now facing ( haven't been ready until now -
Starting to see and feel that there is a possible life for me after mental health is the most hopeful place I have ever been in -
For anyone I suggest researching and getting the right help - it's unfortunate but my experience is I've had to almost be my own expert to get the help And a forum like this is such a good resource -
I wouldnt be here today if it wasn't for the support I've received -
Hope and recovery is always there it just is looking in the right place that can be a task -
Best wishes to you ...
😌🌼

[Kizzie]

Hi johnboy  and a very warm welcome to OOTS    I am so glad it feels right to be here - we need a safe haven after so many years alone with our abuse and CPTSD.  It feels like warm sun on my face to hear you say that despite everything you are still capable of love -    it constantly amazes me how compassionate and caring people here are in spite of -- or perhaps because of -- having CPTSD.  You are in very good company 

Glad you found you way here and that you took a chance and posted 

[johnboy]

A big thank you for the kind words, they were really needed and will help me on this telling old journey.

I was struck by the comment about looking forward to a life beyond mental health and this left me feeling a range of emotions, not least a deep sadness that this has been denied so many of us, from such a young age, and for no justifiable reason at all. Yet beyond this, I feel an energy building that will drive me beyond the darkness, and I feel the same energy in the words of others. I wish us all the very best with this, it will one day be ours!

I am off for a walk with my dog (Ollie) over the hills and fields, and I shall be thinking well of you all.

Johnboy

[Jdog]

I will carry the imagined image of you and Ollie venturing across hills and fields with me today...sounds perfectly peaceful!

[Boatsetsailrose]

 

[Sandals]

Hi, johnboy, & welcome! 

I can relate to much of what you've written - the abuse, anxiety, self-harm, self-hate, shame, avoidance... It sometimes feels like that list is never-ending, doesn't it? I'm so glad you can see that you are capable of love. I also want to tell you that you are worthy of receiving the same love you give.

Whatever the reason that brought you here, we're certainly glad you've come.