Isolated and Confused, My Strange Experience (TW's)

[Ogdru]

I don't even know how to unpack my experiences, more so as I have gone through this forum, I have realized too I don't know "how" to interact with people who also have CPTSD I have been so conditioned to filter everything for those who are totally unfamiliar. But to try my best because I think I should.

I'm in my late 20's now. At 11 a series of surreal cause and effect events occur. Sister has suicide attempt-> When visiting her in the  pyschward we crash car, mom breaks nose-> routine XRay found brain tumor in Mom-> She gets brain operation, dramatically changes as a person-> Parents Divorce (Mom Leaves)-> Dad falls into severe untreated depression. This about took place in a span of two years.

Go into Highschool, I have my teenage years. Mom has a 2nd brain surgery, this one is bad. I wonder how much they took out. She really regresses, and has been on steady and very notable decline ever since- more on this later. Dad is unemployed through most of it, steals grandmothers money who is suffering from dementia. Dad's siblings find out what's been going on they begin the process of suing him, meanwhile he's in financial freefall, a freshmen in college at this point I am left paying his electric bills. Dad dies suddenly of a heart attack. His siblings who, I don't know what on earth they were thinking, mailed me his ashes. Got them over my dormitory front desk, its so horrible I almost wonder if it actually happened.

Moms mental and physical ability declines more, and more, and more.

I am flung into drug and alcohol abuse as an obvious escape, that lasts a couple years. I lose my car via drinking/driving accident, few run ins with the law narrowly escaping jailtime, drop out of college. I enter the NA program, maintain sobriety lasting to the present.

More or less gets caught up to now. Mom lives some states away from me, recently she has digressed where she is actually acting like a child and very physically disabled, 25 years beyond where someone her age usually is. Very recently she's let a total stranger act as her caretaker which I cannot speak with her at all while that's happening. In general, I've been orphaned, I do not recognize this ghost that has a vague resemblance to that of my mother. I've lost her so many times, I wish for conclusion so bad, not this continuation of witnessing steep decline to some unknowing end.

I'm pretty stuck too, addiction took its toll. Nowhere near affording a car so I pretty like spend 90% of my time in my apartment. I feel almost completely excluded from society. I haven't a clue really where or how to go forward.

So I lose myself in my escapes and just sort of let the days pass. I talk with my sister, I love her and we get along well. Though she lives some couple thousand miles from me and we don't see each other for years at a time. Out of fight or flight, she opted for flight, which I forgive her for- she has her own things she had to do in all of this.

That's where things sort of are now.

[Armee]

Wow. That's all really rough and would be a completely and totally overwhelming shift in family life and would certainly overcome the ability to cope. You're still here and even sober. You deserve to feel proud of yourself if nothing else.

I'm glad you still have your sister in your life if at a distance.

Everything you say makes sense with what happened, and isolation is a common theme around here. That's the ptsd, not an innate part of you, even though it probably feels like it is.

I also completely understand and felt the same of preferring closure over the continued distress of my mom's life. Know that doesn't make you terrible. And honestly when it did happen I did not have regrets. It continues to be a relief 2 years later.

Welcome to the forum.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing your experiences.  I think that as you share more, steps forward or different ways of approaching may become clear to you.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

That is a tremendous lot for you to have to deal with. Although it may not feel like it, it seems to me like you have done really well thus far. Clawing your way to sobriety in the face of all these challenges is admirable and shows what inner strength you have.

I wish you all the best as you figure out how to move forward from here.

[Kizzie]

That is a lot to deal with Ogdru and I hope you are able to find some of the answers and connection you're looking for here.  I agree with Rainy that possible ways of approaching things and moving forward may become clearer as you post here. Members are also quite generous in making suggestions and/or pointing you toward resources that may help. 

I hope you're OK with a group hug -