too much

[sanmagic7]

this new journal title reflects what i've been hearing about me, my traumas, and my circumstances in the past several years.  it's all been too much, and i don't know why i've had the strength of still be here.

i don't want this to be a downer right off the bat, but it is how i'm feeling.  trapped, unsafe (thanks, doc),increasingly difficult time coping, more stuff coming up every week.  yesterday i was down again w/ stress flue, have to see the eye doc on wed. and am still worrying about my D, her medical issues, all that's going on w/ her, besides my own realizations, inner battles, triggers almost daily  . . . again, i'm so out of energy yet i have to continue to summon more.  that leads me to the thought about one day i just won't be able to.

seeing the doc on wed. is one of those instances.  dont know what's going to happen, but worried that i'll have to see an ophthalamogist as well.  don't know where the money will come for that.  ohhhhh, too much!

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time San. You're always so kind and giving here I'm glad you're telling us about how you feel because sometimes it just have to be you first. Maybe we can lend you support and care if even across cyberspace you can draw on. 

[Bach]

"Too much" is a phrase that resonates with me all too well, san.  "It's too much", "I"M too much", either or both. 

I'm thinking of you

[Armee]

 

Lots of big long hugs.

It's OK to be honest. Pretending everything is ok when it isn't is profoundly damaging imo.

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
I am sending you a big hug of support at this time 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the strength of the sentiment and the need to name a journal that to reflect on it further.  I hope that this week will pass more smoothly than you expect.

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, thank you for the kind words.  absolutely, the support here helps.

thanks, bach, for those wonderful big hugs.  i wish 'too much' wasn't something you can resonate w/ 

armee, thank you.  honestly, i didn't know i was pretending.  i thought i was being real w/ everything i wrote. another confusing point to me.  thanks for all those hugs.  love them.

love that big hug, hope.  thanks ever so.

thanks, rainy.  i appreciate your support

i think this is how i've lived my life - being unaware of how i was feeling, how much of anything i was carrying, not knowing it was too much.  it's scaring me now that i'm thinking of it.  i'm also feeling like a young child, scared, trapped, not knowing anything about me or the future.  EF?  it's a terrible feeling.

therapy in the morning.  hopefully she'll be able to settle me somewhat.  i feel up to my neck in quicksand and can't quite reach the branch that will pull me out, so it feels like i'm still sinking.  i don't know what to do.  it really is all too much. i wish i could cry, but the tears won't come.  they're just dragging my face down dreadfully down and i know the sadness is back in my eyes where i've carried it most of my life.

i'm having a hard time smiling or laughing, which has always been a lifesaver for me.  i don't know how to manage this.

[Armee]

Oh San San. I didn't mean that you were pretending. Just responding to your statement that you didn't want to be a downer. You're feeling down...well that's an understatement...but i just mean...I wish you felt better but since you don't you don't need to pretend here to be ok for the sake of not being a downer. This is one of the only places we don't need to put on a brave face. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. Maybe feeling like a scared young child is an EF. Perhaps your therapist can shed some light. At any rate I hope the appointment brings some comfort. Best wishes for your doctor appointment tomorrow.

 

[Moondance]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee, for the clarification.

thanks for the support, NK 

love that big hug, moondance.  thanks 

my T told me she's worried about me and responded w/ tears in my eyes that i'm worried about me, too.  my brain can't work right - hallucinations, losing my balance, which is all scary to me.  she also said i'm hanging on by a thread.  that sounds about right.  i asked my D today to give me a break from talking about her medical stuff.  it's really too much. and i'm seeing the eye doc tomorrow.  we'll see what happens.  i wish i could give up. 

[Denali]

Hi San, I'm so sorry you're so overwhelmed with stress. I do hope being able to open up about has helped.

I don't have the exact circumstances, however I understand what it's like to have so much going on it's hard to concentrate. Especially when you need to be responsible for others.

I have a lot of Drs and tests/scans I have to go through. I have to tell myself one thing at a time.

When I think about what I have to take care of for myself, my children, and my household I completely shut down and nothing gets accomplished.

Sending  and support to get through a very rough time.

[Kizzie]

  "I have to tell myself one thing at a time." 

I know when I start to feel overwhelmed I will actually move things to later on or cancel altogether to take some of the stress off. Maybe there's a few things you could do later so you have some room to breathe?

[Armee]

 

I wish I could take all this away and just give you joy. Nothing would make me happier.

Let's get that eye pain dealt with first. Severe pain makes everything else feel even more unbearable. It may also be causing the hallucinations (?) So perhaps let any worry you might have about those fade too for now if you can?

Good job asking for some relief from hearing about all the medical concerns from your daughter. Look at how big your love is for her, that these worries can affect you so much!

(((((((((((San))))))))))

We love you.

[sanmagic7]

just want to thank everyone tonite, will write more tomorrow.

denali, thanks so much.  i actually do work at 'one thing at a time', but sometimes, like lately, everything piled up and was difficult to separate into 'ones'.  i appreciate your support.

hey, kizzie, i've been juggling like that for a long time.  thank you for your thoughts. it's just when i have layers of stuff all smushed together . . . all this medical stuff simply took it out of me.  still recovering from it all, so . . .

armee, i know you would if you could.  thank you, you precious thing. unfortunately, there's more for me on the horizon.  all this support really helps.