too much

[Not Alone]

San, I'm sorry it's been too hard. Just surviving is a really tough place.

[Bach]

Thinking of you, san 

[sanmagic7]

moondance, starting healing, armee, notalone, and bach - thank you so much for those wonderful caring big hugs and your thoughts of me. i really appreciate not being forgotten. this has been the toughest long haul i've had, a breakdown, questioning my sanity, unable to write about anything cuz it made it roar back at me tenfold. now i'm in the midst of stress flu, brought on by getting my 2 vaccines a week ago when i was already stressed to the breaking point. i don't regret them, getting sick from any of those viruses would most likely kill me, and i haven't gotten either since the beginning. it has been miserable, i've been miserable, and i can't believe i'm still here, but i am. hugs and love to all of you for being with me. 

i'm still tottering emotionally and mentally, still can't talk about anything nor respond to anyone, but please know you're all in my heart.

[Blueberry]

Tottering says to me that things are really bad and really shakey but that you're on your feet sometimes, at least sort of, literally and figuratively-speaking, which is a little more hopeful than total collapse on the floor for weeks on end. I'm NOT trying to diminish the really hard time that you're going through and how long it's been going on for, I just mean I see a little glimmer of hope there.

Keep taking care of you as best you can  

[Armee]

Sending love, hugs, and support. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a heartfelt hug    and a big hug as well 
Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, San. Even when I don't post much, my thoughts are with you here.

[Moondance]

 

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
Just wanted to say that I miss you, and hope you're ok.  Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, armee, hope (2x), CF. moondance, thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts. those hugs are wonderful as are all of you. i appreciate each and every one of you.

tottering may seem hopeful, but for me it takes all the energy and more to keep one foot on the ledge.  i'm too consumed w/ all the negativity going on around and within me to see anything as hopeful.

dang, once again, so dark. unfortunately, i'm not ok. today w/ my T i said i thought therapy was going to help me feel better but it's making me worse. not only do we still have the instability of if we'll have a place to live in 2 mos., but becuz i've had no feelings for forever, each time one gets through it's like a tsunami and i get pulled under wondering if i'll get my head above water once again.  this crapola is killing me.

love and hugs to everyone. 

[Armee]

Hi San. I'm so sorry things are so dark. You are loved and special and beautiful. 

There have been times the pain was so great that my normally skilled therapist couldn't touch it and I felt really alone like nothing could help or fix it. The only things that helped in that time was my husband accepting and validating the pain. And you just being here for me having a few words that also validated how I was feeling sometimes even before I knew I was feeling it.

This darkness sounds so very heavy. Crushing. Maybe so much that your power of imagination...which I see as one of your most powerful strengths...can't even cut through it. Not knowing where you will live or if you will survive is terrifying. Traumatic.

In my book you have every right to feel as dark as you do right now, though I sure wish there was some magic way to ease the pain and uncertainty and fear.

All I got is this weird hug emoti though....      

You and your daughter will be in my thoughts and hopes, San. Please if it is helpful come share your burdens here with us when it feels useful.

As you have said to me so many times with a power to soothe so much of my pain...

Love and hugs, my dear sweet San.

Armee

[sanmagic7]

armee, you mean so much to me, too.  everything you said, well, you nailed it. too much is covered or gone now. unfortunately, talking about anything brings it all up and it rips thru me.  for now, thank you.

[Blueberry]

Sorry, san, I obviously got that wrong with the tottering.

EMS? Healing Porch? I bet we could fly you onto the Healing Porch, no steps required. Also no edge you can totter on or fall off.

Sending hugs and OOTS energy  

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, you brought tears to my eyes w/ your care and support.  thank you.

i miss this family/community. i have no words. i am broken more than ever. i am afraid, tense, stressed. i wish i could not have feelings again. somehow therapy has continually made me feel worse, whether from neg. therapy or pos. i can't catch hold of myself anymore. speaking w/ my T, tho, helps at least stabilize me, so that's good. i'm out of thinking i will get better. i know i won't. this has truly been too much.

[Blueberry]