too much

[Denali]

Hi San, I completely understand. We can only control our actions. It's everything coming in from the outside that we can't control that makes life overwhelming.

I refer to these times that the circus is in town. If I could I would go hide when it happens.

  hope your appointment goes well.

[Eireanne]

   Hoping the doctor helps you find relief from this pain...I get when everything is happening all at once...haha I think you know that from reading my journal    *sending you energy you need to get through everything you need to do*

[sanmagic7]

yeah, denali, some kind of bizarro circus for sure.  thanks for your understanding.

EA, thank you for the energy - truly appreciated.   

the doc showed me a picture of my cornea - lots of jagged-looking rivulets of unevenness scattered throughout.  it got injured somewhere along the line and the cells didn't mend themselves correctly.  the pain comes from my eyelid scraping over these rivulets, and, since this has happened 3x, at 6-mo. intervals, it will continue to happen unless i get surgery to smooth them down.  so, corneal surgery is on my horizon.

i had no feelings about it until my D said, 'that's scary'.  fear hadn't come to my horizon.  i've had several surgeries, and there's never been fear involved, but, then, i never felt fear.  at any rate, i trust that the doc will do whatever's needed and this problem will go away for good.  just waiting for them to contact me for when they can fit me in. in the meantime, lots of antibiotic ointment for my eye, so it's blurry all the time.  the drugstore's computer system was down yesterday, so not processing any new prescriptions (the doc ordered antibiotic eyedrops for daytime - less blurriness).

i know this is dragging on me.  i can't separate it all out yet, but i can tell because i was saying unhelpful things to my D yesterday about some stuff she's going thru.  i want at least one of us to be well and whole! but, frustration and discomfort bring out the advice-giver in me, even when it's not asked for nor wanted.  so that's just another on the pile - i need to watch what i say.

a long and winding road, indeed.   i sure could use a break from this crapola.  it's too much.

[rainydiary]

I would feel that is all too much too.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the validation, rainy.

this morning was the first day i could open my eye w/o searing pain after waking up.  all kinds of gels and ointments, living by the clock to figure out when the next drop/glob needs to go in, takes me back to mexico.  i lived like this for so many years.  it's no fun going back - it seems like back, not forward - and the thought crossed my mind about just getting older and having more of these kinds of things happen.

as someone once said, getting old is not for wimps.  on the other hand, if i hadn't lived this long, there would have been a lot of things undone, places unseen, people unmet, experiences un-had, and my D to bond with.  so, it's got its upsides, too. 

well, that feels like the first pos. observation i've had in a long time.  dang, i've been getting worn down, but i was glad that popped out.  and yesterday, i was able to separate one emotion out - anger.  it felt good to realize it and express it. so, yay.

[rainydiary]

I celebrate you and the positive experiences that light you up. 

[Eireanne]

Curious - when the advice giver comes out, have you tried expressing the advice in a way that isn't sharing it?  Like writing down/voice memo about the advice you WANT to give, and then listening/reading back later when you aren't in advice giving mode to see if it's worth sharing?

Also, yay for finding a positive observation! You take that win 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy.  that's so sweet!

hey, EA, the 'advice giver' is part of my old self-construct to help people so they'd think i was intelligent and caring.  it's now one of those mechanisms i've battled hard to get rid of but sometimes, esp. under duress, she just breaks out of the vault.  oftentimes i'm not even aware i'm doing it until later or the next day.  thanks for your suggestion, tho.  for me, tho, this is too automatic, so no time to think or even realize at the time.

it's why sometimes, when i'm not really doing good, i'll find myself doing the advice thing in peoples' journals here, and when/if i realize it, i begin deleting. i'm just afraid i don't always catch myself in time.  and, thanks for that win encouragement! 


&&&&&&&&&& TW=-SA nightmare --********************









last nite i had a nightmare about SA on me and no one who was watching would help me.




***************end TW ******************

i've only lately been having those kinds of dreams, and i can hear myself attempting to yell out for help, but i know it's only moans and groans while i'm asleep and i'm trying really hard to turn those sounds into something understandable.  the worst part about last nite's dream was that i couldn't wake myself up from it long enough for it to go away, so it happened over and over 3 times before i could get myself out. sometimes my sleep meds keep me under when i don't want to be.

the eye stuff continues.  i haven't found the right amount of ointment, yet, to ensure my eye can open w/o pain in the morning. it did so when i finally woke up last nite, but that was after only 2 hrs. of sleep.  i even put more in before i finally went back to bed, but this morning, nope. didn't work, so i awoke to terrible pain.  not a good way to start the day.

i'm so crashed and burned right now.  went out to deliver for 1 1/2 hrs., yesterday, felt like crapola the rest of the day. too much.

[Eireanne]

San - that makes sense about the advice giver - appreciate you clarifying.  Nightmares you can't get out of are extremely relatable for me...and somehow saying "sorry you're going through that" doesn't cover the compassion and empathy I have for you to be experiencing that. Hoping you can find that sweet spot for the amount of ointment too.  Just feel like saying UGH, you know? Here's hoping you get relief soon.   

[Armee]

That nightmare sounds like too much, and very distressing, that no one was helping you. Sending you gentle but big enveloping hugs that somehow magically the medication for your eye starts to work. Pain is awful. Mental distress is awful. Watching loved ones suffer is...awful. Heat...awful. Too much is exactly right.

It always helps me feel better when you send me hugs full of just what I need so I am sending you hugs full of peaceful nights, painless days, relief for your daughter, and just the right amount instead of too much.

    

Love, hugs, and rest dear San.

[Moondance]

Sanmagic7

As always my thoughts are with you.

You are enough in the just too much.  You are always enough just as you are.

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, EA, i think UGH! sums it up nicely.  thank you for your support. much appreciated

armee, those hugs were beautiful.  thank you for them. and for you.

moondance, i appreciate your thoughts for me. love the hug.  thanks.

still battling.  feeling pretty crappy.  we've got a break from the heat today, which is nice, but it's coming back this week.  am so stressed out and it's affecting my well-being.  my legs are going a little wonky at times now, hard to make them change direction sometimes.  i'm sure it's from the stress, but it doesn't feel good. i'm just surviving. i appreciate everyone's support and wish i could be there for you all.  you're all in my heart, tho. i've just got to get thru this first, get healed.  haven't heard from the cornea doc yet. UGH! is right!

[Bach]

Sending love and good thoughts, san :big hug:

[Armee]

You are here for me. Just being here for yourself is also being here for us. I love the responses of course when you are able to give them because your words are like magic, San Magic. A gift to say and know exactly what I need to hear and how many times I need to hear it, even though I don't know what I need to hear. But it is just your presence and sharing your world with us that means the most. No responses needed. You have given a lifetime's worth of support to all of us just in a short time. I only wish I had magic words too that would ease your suffering right now. More hugs until this debilitating stress flu wanders away again.       

[Eireanne]

Definitely agree with Armee.  No responses needed, you are here supporting us all as you make your way through this valley of "too much".  We are all dealing with our own "too muches" together.