too much

[Bach]

Love and hugs for san   

[sanmagic7]

thank you, armee, for that big hug.  great to see it.

bach, i felt all the care and concern you have for me, and all i can say is thank you.

no call from the mobile dental van people yesterday, so i'll have to call again mon. i'm working real hard not to anticipate another painful horror like the last time, a few years ago, i got a broken filling fixed. in the meantime, i'm on edge all the time about if more of this filling is going to crumble, being careful to only chew on the other side of my mouth, eating soft foods when i eat. not a lot of that at the minute.

i am grateful, tho, that there is no pain. the nerve isn't exposed, thank you god. how long that might last, tho, well, down the rabbit hole again. no emotion, very flat while i'm keeping myself cuddled up against anything else happening there.

[Blueberry]

  

Glad to hear you're taking care of you. Sorry about the mobile dental place not showing.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, blueberry, so very much. i'm still working on getting my tooth fixed. yesterday i had an appt., went to the place at the allotted time, but the van (it's a mobile dental clinic) never showed.  found out later it had problems. now i'm at square one, still trying to get in.  ugh! 

i remember a member asking me how do i start being able to cry?  i used shows, at times.  when i began sniffling/crying at something on the screen, there were times when i could turn that on my self and my life and the tears would turn into sobs. it was a very painful experience.

lately, i've been breaking into tears for my own circumstances, w/o any outside 'push'. i've cried 3 times in the past few days for various reasons, and it completely surprised me. this was a different kind of crying than i'm used to - usually tears would only fall for myself if their had been a buildup of situations/circumstances and i 'boiled over' so to speak.  or once when i was pregnant and my hub#1 told me he didn't want to be married anymore. i'm guessing hormones played a big part in that.

i don't know why the tears are coming now. one was for a computer thing i couldn't figure out, which left me feeling helpless and useless.  still hasn't been taken care of, but my D hasn't had time to help me w/ it.  once was last nite when my D suggested we just go to where the dental van will be parked this morning, tell them what happened yesterday, see if they'll fit me in.  then she remembered we have groceries being delivered this morning, and i fell apart, head in hands, tears streaming down my face.  (we did get the delivery time changed, so we'll see what happens w/ the dentist.)

i'm so flat, feel like i'm living a nightmare.  these tears are probably normal, but they feel anything but that. so strange.  i'm overflowing w/ tension and stress and i can feel it. this is too much for me anymore and i'm afraid i'm at last in the beginning stages of shutting down.

[Armee]

  I love you dear San. I wish I could take away the suffering. 

[sanmagic7]

i love you, too, armee.  your gesture is so nurturing and generous, i thank you so for that. good news is that i got my tooth fixed yesterday, and the dentist was very caring and gentle.  day of recovery but today things finally feel normal in my mouth.  so, some of the suffering is truly gone.  i hope you have disposed of it properly!  lol!!!

[Blueberry]

good news is that i got my tooth fixed yesterday, and the dentist was very caring and gentle.  day of recovery but today things finally feel normal in my mouth.  so, some of the suffering is truly gone. 

   

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry.  you brought a much-needed smile to my face and heart.

[Armee]

I'm so relieved to hear you were able to have your tooth fixed. One less stressor is a great thing. And no more are allowed to come. Period. End of story. I'm putting my foot down.

 

Don't worry I TOTALLY have that kind of power. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, armee, for your strength, power, and assuredness - it puts more weapons in my arsenal, and i so very appreciate it.   

it's been difficult to write about any of this.  financial talks w/ my D spell mostly doom and gloom, and the prospect of moving in a few months.  we've run out of resources, unless the disability comes thru, which  . . . it doesn't look good. just doing my best to stay sane thru it all.  it's all i've got right now. way way too much.

[Larry]

 

[Armee]

Here with you. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hug, larry.  so appreciated.

armee, i know this, and it's comforting.  thank you so for reinforcing it.  it helps a lot.

my stomach is churning right now at the thought of writing anything about what i'm going thru.  it's so horrible to live this way.  and the thought - well, others in the world have it worse than you - just rolled thru my brain, like how dare i call my situation horrible?  frickin' trauma brain.  i hate every minute of this.

[Armee]

It's legitimately terrifying and awful what you are going through. And I wish it were not happening and I wish there were better safety nets. 

[NarcKiddo]

I am sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment. Sending you good wishes, strength and hope.