too much

[sanmagic7]

thanks for that validation, armee. i appreciate it so much. my mind went to the hostages across the globe - they have nothing but imprisonment.  i guess i'm feeling imprisoned in a certain way - i have no power nor control over what's happening, what might happen, what could happen.  hostage in my skin. 

thank you for the well wishes, narckiddo. i'm staying sane on things like you said. thank you.

my D is also so very worried.  i'm trying to cuddle up against thinking about any of this, trying to get from one day to the next, but she talks about it and her fears stir me up, clench my gut.  i want to cry, but the tears won't come.  maybe one day . . .

[sanmagic7]

more drama.  D1 is very sick, docs are working on her, we don't know what's going to happen.  she won't go to the hospital cuz of covid, and i guess her landlady and a couple friends are looking in on her.  i'm hearing everything piecemeal, nothing from my ex about it - he called my D and told her it's looking pretty bad.

i'm messy and numb at the same time.  i reached out to her, even tho it's been almost 9 yrs. since we've been in contact w/ each other. plus, she's managing to rain down awfulness on our family, still. apparently, she gave a list to my ex, grievances against her sister (my D), and wanted him to send them to my D saying he agreed w/ them (he doesn't) or she didn't want him to be with her when she died.  holding him hostage like that, well,  . . .

so, along w/ my own emotional mess, i also got mad at her last nite for continuing to try to convince those who love her the most, have given to and supported her the most (all the while she tells others no one gives a crapola about her), that each other is vile and evil and horrible. my D told me she had brainwashed my ex about me like that, that he had asked my D about all the things D1 had said to him about me, and my D was able to tell him none of it was true.

ok, gotta stop.  my gut is going nuts.  i just feel awful.

[Armee]

 

San. That's too much. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry she is so sick and I am so sorry her behavior is continuing in a way that is harmful to her and to the whole family. Some people are like that and it is so very hard to grasp and so very hard to manage. Just know please all day when you need a hug I am sending a big long one each time. 

[sanmagic7]

you brought tears to my eyes, armee.  i'm keeping those hugs w/ me all day.  thank you.

another anger bud peeped up as well - my D told me that if her sis dies, she wouldn't go to the funeral but she'd want to be there for her F.  i know he has friends and family there, and my immediate thought was 'what about me?' the idea that she'd leave me alone - i have no friends or family here except for her - for at least a week wrenched at my heart.  what a frickin' mire, a swamp of despair closing over my head.

[Hope67]

  to you SanMagic.

[sanmagic7]

thank you so, hope. love the hug.

[NarcKiddo]

Thinking of you.

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you narckiddo.  i appreciate it so much.   

the past 2 days have felt like i've been slashed across my body several times.  i don't know what to do w/ this. my D1 has erased me from her life, has announced a page full of accusations against her sister, perceived wrongdoings, and expected their father to give my D the list saying he agree w/ all of them, that if he didn't, she wouldn't allow him to be w/ her when she was dying (apparently this liver virus she has can kill in a matter of days - so, we're also on tenterhooks about whether she'll be alive tomorrow or not. she's been running a fever for days, they can't get it down, she won't go to the hospital cuz she's afraid of getting covid and, in her words, 'dying anyway'.)

so, another traumatic experience to add to the pile i carry while i wait to learn whether my D1 lives or dies. too much.

i remember when i first named this journal that someone told me they were glad to see me get real w/ my emotions.  since this journal began, the doom and gloom in it is a wonder to behold, in my mind.  i am farther downhill away from healing than ever, it seems to me.  i don't know.  maybe it's my outlook that's gloomy. feels like i can't get a toehold when some other catastrophic something comes along and knocks me on my patoot. as i get older and continue to have to deal w/ major life problems, willing myself to stay alive and/or sane, just like physically, it's harder to get up, keep my balance, recover, and get some kind of brighter outlook again.  just help me get thru this day.

[Armee]

Here with a hand to help ypu through today and tomorrow. I'm so sorry. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, armee - i got thru today.  i kept telling myself - i did what i could, i did what i could. when i told my D that, she said 'you did more than you could, and it damaged you a lot'. i'll make it till tomorrow.  love your support. 

i realized this evening i'm living this nightmare over again, back to the days when D1 was in her teens, and we never knew if/when the phone call would come.  my D came out of her room tonite, immediately the thought entered my mind 'D1 is dead'.  i told her and she said if she'd heard that - my ex would tell her - she'd say 'i've got bad news' so i didn't have to think it beforehand.  any little bit is helping right now.

i can feel the tension i'm holding inside, it's buzzing like angry bees throughout my body. i'm holding it all in as much as possible, but i've begun walking up and down the stairs of the building because of the disturbance inside me. this is a new trauma i'm living thru in real time which harkens back to the same trauma i lived thru w/ D1 back then - 30 yrs. ago.

will this never end??

[Armee]

 

Its exactly that. A new trauma that is also a trigger for the old trauma and that type of thing is incredibly difficult to manage. I know almost exactly what you mean. It's the hardest part of my life I ever lived thru was that scenario...new trauma old trigger horrible combo. Pacing the stairs seems like a really smart coping mech and so kind of your daughter to tell you how she will break bad news. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, your kind words, encouragement, understanding, i just gobble it up.  thank you.

under the retraumatizing/EF's posting, i detailed what's going on now. this is hurting my D so badly, which in turn hurts me, besides bringing up all the ways her F/my ex did the exact same thing to me, 2 major things which essentially broke our marriage. to see him doing the same to her - all of it to appease D1, who is making him choose between her and her sister, holding him hostage cuz she's very sick and possibly going to die from this illness and if he doesn't do what she wants she told him she didn't want him w/ her while she dies.

this has gotten to the point where my D finally told him what he's doing is hurting her, hurting me, and if he didn't stand up to D1, then she couldn't be a part of this anymore.  she broke up w/ him yesterday, told him he had to make a decision, that she wasn't going to be part of this, and to let her know when he decides.  i give her a lot of credit for standing up to him (she's already gone NC w/ her sister about 7 yrs. ago).

and her sister also sent emails to her (D) with more of the same garbage she's sent in the past.  this is taking its toll on my D, which is also taking a toll on me.  i've been thru this scenario before w/ him - he chose D1 over me - so i'm reliving the nightmare of this dynamic thru my D.  our place is so full of stress and tension right now, it's nearly suffocating.  i know my body is reacting badly to it.

i can't believe this is happening.  on the other hand, i'm not surprised.  been here, done that.  am now here again.  too much, just way too much.

[sanmagic7]

everyone who showed their care and concern, thank you.  feeling better today, which was weird, cuz it also made me feel uneasy and disturbed.  i think the emotion and distress of this past week took its toll insofar as to cause a more 'normal' feeling to actually feel uncomfortable.  ate myself into a coma tonite becuase of it, but tomorrow is another day, and i can start again.

so strange, sometimes, how this works.

[sanmagic7]

i have a question i hope someone can answer for me - how can i send a PM?  i knew how to do it on the old forum, but after looking at all the info i could find here, i can't seem to locate directions on how to do that on this forum. i'd appreciate the help.

also, another question. is the 'having an exceptionally bad day' location gone from this forum? this past week, i wanted to write about what was going on with me under that heading, but i couldn't find it anywhere.  maybe i just missed it - old eyes.

thanks.

[sanmagic7]

just a further update - my D and i talked finances yesterday, we have enough to stay where we are for another month, possibly 2.  this piecemeal, living on a shoestring game is so wearing.  it went under cover the past week becuz of everything else (no word on D1's condition, but i believe this is now a case of no news is good news.  D told me yesterday she's still not talking to her F.) but now it's front and center again.

i had a lovely long chat w/ my bro the other day, and he assured me i could always live w/ him and his girlfriend, so i didn't need to be afraid of being homeless.  my D has always told me that if we have to move she believed a couple friends would take us both in, like we're a package deal, which was wonderful to hear, but also knowing my bro is willing to have me sends an extra vibe of stability thru my spine. just in case . . .

he also assured me that i have a brother who is here for me.  this was a strange, unknown concept cuz he's 9 yrs. younger than me, so was never the one i looked up to or felt i could depend on. we've grown closer over the past few years, and it kind of sank in for me that i do have someone besides my D who has my back. 2 people now. wonderful but weird.  have to let that sink in a bit so it can become organic for me. but, i have to admit, i love the thought.

the only hitch w/ that is he lives in her house, technically, so while it was a heartfelt invitation, i don't know if she'd go for that in all truthfulness.  she has her own problems.  and the doubt just rampaged its way past the positivity.  well, it's nice to think of it as 'could be'.  i'll stick w/ that for now.