too much

[sanmagic7]

bach, love the love and big hug.  so appreciated.  thank you.

armee, your words warmed me like a feather duvet from the inside out.  thank you for being here for me, for your kindness and lovely thoughts about me. 

thanks, EA.  i appreciate your support and permission not to 'have to' respond.

still struggling, altho there may be some indications that the cornea is healing.  i still have 5 more days on the antibiotic ointment and haven't heard from the cornea doc yet.  i just want this over with. living by the clock (when is 5 hrs. from now for my next dose?) how long has it been since my last advil, my last xanax, so much water i'm getting exercise just running back and forth to the john - got to keep flushing those kidneys against all this medicine.  UGH!

[sanmagic7]

just learned from my D today that she heard the doc say my cornea isn't going to heal on its own anymore, which is why the choice of surgery came up, that all these gels and drops are just to keep some kind of protection so i'm relatively comfortable.  argh! i knew this would be a recurring condition but from what my D heard, it's something that will only get worse as time goes on.

i'm trying not to think about that, but i can tell it's upsetting (along w/ the heat) cuz i'm feeling out of sorts, can't exactly put my finger on how i'm feeling except that it's not good.  just till tomorrow . . .

[rainydiary]

That is a lot to consider as well as managing the heat.  I hope for some clarity for you as well as some coolness.

[Kizzie]

Really sorry to hear that San    It's scary to think about I know.  For me, it's only OK I've found once the surgery for whatever is done and I'm on my way to healing, but I am usually so glad I got whatever needed doing done.  Cataracts, surgery for ovarian cancer, both knees replaced.  Glad now, was scared before surgery which is normal but for us it layers on top of all the other things going on.

Maybe think of us hugging you all the way into surgery and after you come out until you feel better.

[NarcKiddo]

Surgery is scary, for sure. But it sounds like it may be the best option. I used to have pugs and they were prone to eye issues. I know how brutal the medication regime is for a damaged cornea. After one issue I had to set up a spreadsheet to record all the drops and meds! I feel for you. Hugs.

[Armee]

Count me in on the hug from now through the end of surgery. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy, for your support.

is that what my inner disturbance is, kizzie?  fear?  i guess it's not allowed cuz i'm managing to keep pushing it down every time it begins creeping up.  i'm afraid that the fear about this will overwhelm me, i think.  can't have it, even tho it's normal.  i'm learning, but it's not quite 'normal' for me yet.  thank you for your insight.

thanks, NK.  it truly is a pain in the butt. 

armee, you're in.  i did this, something like this, when i was leaving mexico. while waiting in the long line to get to the border, i could see all my forum friends gathered around, standing there, watching over me.  honestly, w/o that image (i was enough of a wreck anyway) i don't know how i could've made it. thanks.

still no word from the cornea doc, and haven't been able to do emdr processing for 2 weeks. my T told me that even just tapping can cause people to move their eyes. besides which, i really don't want to add anything else on top of my physical problems. like last year in the heat, my body's swollen up and i'm feeling very uncomfortable in my skin.

while all this stuff is going on in our home, it's a lot of the same as before.  last tues. i had enough update to fill 20 min. and i was done. i'm itching to move forward on some of this stuff - images of D1 and my ex have been popping up again, and i have to verbally tell them to go away. we'll see about today.

[Eireanne]

Ditto on the being part of your invisible support army - hugs at the ready!

[Moondance]

 

[sanmagic7]

EA, so glad to have you aboard.  i'll definitely use this image and know all of you are with me.  thanks

moondance, thanks so for that big hug.  love it! 

i mentioned before that i don't really feel fear about my upcoming eye surgery. today i felt what that fear would feel like and it sent me soaring into the abyss.  my D was out delivering and we normally have a routine when i don't go w/ her, plus there's usually a scheduled time that she's gone.

she usually calls me on her way there and back.  she didn't call me on the way there, but i was ok w/ that pretty much.  however, she was gone about an hour over her normal time, no call, and i felt true fear that something had happened to her, all the way to planning what i'd do if she didn't make it back home.  it was a horrible spiral, which i tried to keep in check, but it overtook me.  i was so afraid i could barely stand it.  ate, smoked, wandered around, called, no answer.  finally she called, explained what happened, but i'm so unused to fear it took me before i could do anything about it.

it was so horrible, and i also had to take extra meds to calm myself down, which doesn't happen very often.  this feeling of fear, terror really, all but laid me out.  so, no, i'm not afraid of the surgery - i feel nothing toward it like i felt today.  the only thing that worries me is the aftercare.  i've been told in the past by an eye doc that the fluid in my eyes is not amenable to contact lenses.  the doc i saw last week wanted to put one on to help w/ the healing and i told her no.  she'd never heard of such a condition, but she didn't push it.  i'll have to talk to the surgeon about that.  ugh!!!  too much!  i'm still recovering from today.

[Armee]

Oh gosh I know that level of fear and how awful it is. 

It gets extremely intense.

Recovering from surgery will be challenging for all sorts of reasons and its normal to feel or NOT feel fear or trepidation about the surgery or the recovery period.   

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee, for the validation.  really appreciated, as well as the 'permission' to feel or not feel any which way.

my eye is beginning to feel a bit better for longer periods of time now, so that's good.

my tomato, pepper, and melon plants all have blossoms now, so that's good.

my body is pretty out of whack from all the meds, so i don't feel comfortable yet going delivering w/ my D 

i'm feeling sick to death w/ all this medical crapola, how i'm feeling or not, trying not to curl up into a ball and wish it away, appearing strong cuz i can't curl up into a ball, remembering when i almost did for good, and down the hole i go.  all this good stuff, but i swerve into the neg. lane too quickly.  sick of that, too.  just sick.

dang, that didn't take long.  now i feel like crapola when i started here on an up note.  what is wrong w/ me?  i can't regulate my responses to anything anymore, or so it seems.  this stuff sucks!

[Moondance]

Sanmagic7 I'm glad your eye is getting somewhat better for longer periods of time.

--------

dang, that didn't take long.  now i feel like crapola when i started here on an up note.  what is wrong w/ me?  i can't regulate my responses to anything anymore, or so it seems.  this stuff sucks!

Yeah that resonates with me.

Thank you for so much  hanging in.

 

[Eireanne]

 

[natureluvr]

Hi sanmagic, I just wanted to stop by and offer you a hug and warm thoughts.  I'm sorry you kept having the bad dream several nights ago, and you are dealing with cornea issues.