too much

[sanmagic7]

moondance, i appreciate you being here with me.  thanks.

armee, i know you would if you could. i love the slinky adaptation!  thanks for being on my side.

T this morning.  my D and i had a financial talk yesterday, and all is not well.  she calculates 2 months of not having to worry. i'm rethinking this surgery.  we just don't have room for doc bills right now.  i can get the referral again, maybe next year.  in the meantime i've got all my drops and ointments and it's pretty much back to normal. 

i simply hate this crapola.

i'm quite sure my wrist thing was once more a product of stress and my penchant for creating loads of inflammation at an unexpected area in my body.  this kind of thing has happened on more than one occasion before.  it's all just too much.

[Armee]

Before you cancel the surgery...and I am so sorry you have to choose this way....is this someplace that might have a financial counselor or social worker on staff who can help see if there is assistance somewhere available?

[Kizzie]

Geez San, so sorry to hear surgery is out for you. I'm from Canada so I don't know your system but like Armee I wonder if there is anywhere you might get some help?  Surely there's some assistance for folks who cannot afford surgery or am I being naïve?

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. I'm so sorry you are having to think of putting the surgery on hold. I agree with the others who are suggesting you investigate whether there might be some source of financial help. The doctor may even know of some source of help. Eyes are so fragile and precious.
 

[sanmagic7]

Armee, Kizzie, NK - thank you all for your thoughts, suggestions, and compassion. you are all so important in my life.     

my T said she was heartbroken to hear about me not getting the surgery. 

i talked w/ my D yesterday about this and she doesn't want me NOT to go thru w/ it, either.  we'll take a wait and see attitude about when the surgery might be available and how we are financially situated at the time.  she also talked about how we would pay it off a very little bit each month.  nope, i just looked it up - gotta negotiate payments w/ the clinic.  *sigh* just reading about all of it overwhelmed me.

others here have been talking about trauma brain.  mine just went into overdrive.

[rainydiary]

I hope that a way forward will become clearer.

[Blueberry]

I hope that a way forward will become clearer.

  to you san!

[Moondance]

San words escape me so I send an empathetic 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy.  i hope so, too.

blueberry, love that big hug.  i know you're on my side.

moondance, that big hug was wonderful.  thank you so.

spent a very nervous, anxious day today. i found myself thinking of a lot of good things around me, and wondered at the fact that i can't stay with those.  my mind continually goes to future catastrophes or past hurting memories.  i wish i could live day to day - i try really hard, just get from one day to another, and i've been accomplishing that.  it's just that i carry so much mental/emotional/physical pain w/ me every day, the good things slip away under the burden of the not so good.  too much.  i hate it and wish i could cry.

[Moondance]

Geez San I so get how you are feeling - sadly I really do - it's just too much

 

[sanmagic7]

sad, indeed, moondance.  sorry you do.  it sucks.

[Armee]

I wish you could cry too. Only partly because then you could teach me how to.   

I'm sorry San. There's a lot asking for release and attention. Perhaps you can carve out 30 minutes a day to appreciate the good parts and ask the crappola to hang on and wait its turn. It gets to eat the remaining 23.5 hrs of your day. But it doesn't really work like that. A classic CBT assignment is to just set a timer for 15 minutes a day to ruminate and then not ruminate when it isn't that time. Lol. Amateurs.

I hope you can find a brief moment of peace and comfort today. Perhaps we find a cool but sunny meadow. No ticks. It's still spring time there and we can lay in the soft not itchy grass and look at the wildflowers and bees who don't sting us and laugh about funny parts of our past and none of the bad stuff will come to mind, just the funny things.

[CactusFlower]

I would agree with Armee. If you can get to a park, maybe, or some kind of green spot, just sit and hang out for 20 or 30 minutes. Just sit and focus on the things you hear, see, feel, etc. Like, "right now it's warm" or "there is a breeze on my face" or "that patch of grass near a sprinkler is quite green", etc. It's a low-effort option and sometimes refreshing. Wishing you peace and hugs.

[sanmagic7]

thank you armee, for you care and concern.  as far as crying goes, i have sometimes been able to channel tears while watching an emotional scene in a tv show/movie, and bring them around to me.  i end up sobbing, but i know it's good for me.  it's an effort, but on the occasions i've been able to do that i knew i was releasing poison.

i took your advice yesterday, focused on the fact that i have my D in my life, and that my little patio garden was surrounding me and that was it. i could focus on those for a minute, but they went away and i couldn't feel anything about them simply was able to acknowledge they were there and good.  maybe it takes practice.

Hey, CF, thanks for your suggestions.  as i said to armee, i've tried it, not really any joy (well, i didn't feel anything) but i know my D and my plants are good for me and i'm glad they're w/ me.  i wish i could get back into walking thru the woods, but those days are gone now. i used to love it, tho. 

i think i'm more armored these days, cuddled up in myself against these threats (as i see them) are looming. i feel like i'm beginning to disintegrate, like i'm sliding downhill toward the end.  i know, very dark place.  still, that's where i am, battling every day to stay just ok. once again i'm seeing my age and also seeing the effects that everyday life have on me and the idea that i'll ever feel 'good' keeps slipping farther away.

it's all been too much and i'm so ready to let go, but i'm trapped by my sense of motherhood right now and can't do anything but be thankful for this day and another opportunity to help my D. otherwise, i just go from here to there, whatever's needed from or asked of me. thank everything i have a book i can write on and escape into that world for 15 min. or so.  which just struck me, that's a happy place for me, per armee and CF, where i can go to escape for a few minutes.  sometimes a half hour.  yeah, i'm glad of that.

[Armee]

The book sounds like a great idea. 

I'm sorry you are in a big dark hole right now. I wonder if you'll find anything interesting in there? Like those crazy fish at the darkest depths of the ocean.