too much

[sanmagic7]

those fish are indeed crazy and wonderful at the same time, armee.  thanks for another perspective. 

pretty horrible day yesterday, bathroom wise, especially since we were at the food bank and i had to run into the walgreems several times in a couple of hours. so very stressful to go thru that. and it also put a lot of fear into me about going w/ my D for her delivery job.  we can't just stop every time i need to go, and aren't always around a bathroom, for that matter.  the aftermath was exhaustion, distress, and i've never felt so glad to be home that i can remember.  not good.

so, i feel bad if i can't keep my D company while she delivers.  a few days ago, she was already tired, it was towards the end, and she didn't see a woman in the crosswalk. i had to say 'look out' twice before she slammed on the brake. she would have hit that woman broadside.  so thankful i was there, and this scenario also runs thru my mind now.  but, on the other hand, if i'm not able, i'm not able.  horns of a dilemma, indeed! 

one more thing to be concerned about. i would've thought that after nearly 3 yrs. of therapy 2x/week, things would be better.  instead, with all the crapola i'm uncovering, realizing, feeling for the first time, i feel worse some days, even tho when i first started i was in absolute crisis. still, my protective 'gray lady' came out, and my T told me a while ago, when we were talking about that part of me which has no personality at all, that she remembers meeting her at our first session.  said she'd never seen someone so 'flat and emotionless' before.

my days go from 'ok' to worse. i'm just in some kind of pain all the time, some sort of unease or distress every minute. i've surrounded myself w/ my favorite things, and have my D here, but she's struggling, too, and that's always upsetting to me, too.

oh, rambling, venting, just putting stuff on the paper now. i'm still grateful for my D, my garden, my writing, and this forum. just down in the dumps, not feeling except for vague unease. i struggle to hang on, to keep going. too much.

[sanmagic7]

i am so down. wrote the letter for the disability folks for my D and it depressed me so i had to stop.  just need to drop it here.  i'm on the verge of tears right now.  i don't know how we'll be able to manage come fall.

[Armee]

  infinity hugs for you and D.

[DD]

if you feel it appropriate.

I'm so sorry you're also in a deep dark place. Maybe we can see each other and give a frendly wave. What I'm trying to say is that as dark as it is, you're not alone. We're here for you. I'm here for you.

Even if the world is really dark today, one day it won't be. It's just a matter of time and making it there. But we survived horrid things already. We'll make it. One day the world will not be dark anymore.

Hang in there

[Moondance]

 

I'm sorry San for how difficult this is.

[sanmagic7]

armee, those big hugs for us are so beautiful.  thank you so.

DD, i always always love those big hugs.  thank you for that and your support.

moondance, i so appreciate that big hug and your support.  thank you. 

talked to my T yesterday, told her i feel like parts of myself are disappearing, and that concerned her. she knows about the financial stuff, and as a trauma T said she really hasn't worked w/ someone who has concerns like this in real time.  she asked me if i could simply hold onto the fact that we still have 2 good months left, and leave the worry/fear behind for these 2 months.

i told her that even when i went to mex. w/ a few thousand dollars in my pocket, and planned to either die on the beach when the money ran out, or make my way back to the states, find another job, and carry on again, i never felt afraid.  now that i'm beginning to get some feelings back and can recognize them, i push this fear waaay to the back of my mind, but this time i'm aware it's there, and that's a very different thing for me.

i think that's what's chipping away at my being.  the fear is there, it's real about a real situation that i can't fix. told her i'm feeling helpless and hopeless.  even if we make it for 3 months, that's just prolonging this agony.  i've been homeless in the past for a couple weeks, but, as i say, i had no fear.  i always had faith in myself that i'd be able to deal w/ whatever came along. that faith is gone as my body continues to break down, and my memory dwindles.  i'm just battling like * to stay sane and viable.  don't know how long that's gonna last anymore, and that's scaring me, too.

    it's too much.

[Moondance]

Yeah I get it San - it's just too much.

I'm hoping for you (if that's okay) that a glimmer of hope comes your way however that might show up for you. 

In our darkest moments we still matter, YOU matter so much to so many.    We may not be able to really feel that or take it in but it's true.  I love animals and follow rescue's online because it gives me hope for myself and it also helps me to grieve.  Some of them, when rescued are physically at their end.  That's how I feel much of the time.  I guess that's where the hope comes in. K, now I'm rambling and this may not ve helpful to you at all.  Just trying to say YOU matter just as you are. 

 

[Armee]

I'm just hoping for a miracle relief for you somehow.   

[sanmagic7]

and so do you, moondance. thank you for that big warm hug. and, yes, it's absolutely ok to wish for something positive for me.  i appreciate it and you.

armee, hoping for a miracle is exactly what i told my T on tues. you read my mind. i appreciate that energy being flung into the universe.  thank you for that.

my D tried to reassure me yesterday that we have enough money for 3 months. i told her that the new component working against me now is being able to feel fear, that i can't get rid of it. she agreed that it sucks having to live w/ fear.  i'm sure i wouldn't be here today if i'd had this emotion alive and well during my lifetime.  it's too horrible, and i've been in too many situations where it might have crippled me if i would have felt it. no, i cannot imagine a life filled w/ fear. so awful.

so, that's as far of a future i can look at right now. 3 months. after that, i really don't know. don't know where or how i'll be. a client who was going to bring in a month's worth of revenue in october had to cancel, put it off till next year.  yeah, that great news came yesterday.   

i just feel so bad, so helpless, so hopeless and i have tears in my eyes as i write this. besides these financial sorrows, i still have to continue to watch my D struggle with her issues, which breaks my heart on a daily basis. i'm scared for her, too.    and work at keeping myself sane and not going off the deep end.

i'm so on edge that last nite, after my D and i had already gone to our own rooms for the night, she softly knocked on my door to show me something and i jumped, my heart skipped several beats, and i nearly started hyperventilating. i ended up in a near anxiety-attack state.   

that's too many bricks.

[Blueberry]

Way too many bricks. Maybe EMS could zoom by and remove some for a little while, to give you a little break.   

[Moondance]

Hi Sanmagic,

I'm physically lifting some of the bricks off  and throwing them as far as I can over my shoulder.

That thought just popped up so there it is - hopefully helpful to you.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, thank you so much.  maybe she can, if i can remember to bring her into the fray.  love those big hugs!

moondance, i so appreciate the help w/ this.  and that big hug. thanks a ton. 

T in a bit.  i was laughing out loud w/ my D yesterday, and it felt good to have a break from the dismality (if that isn't a word, i'm making it one!) of me.

but talking here and to my T, i'm all back in the dumps after focusing on what i'm fearing, struggling with, trying to avoid.  i don't know how to reconcile the two.  it's good to get it out, but it brings it all to the fore and that's not so good.  ugh!  i hate this crapola!

[Armee]

   hoorah for a brief break from dismality which should absolutely be a word.

I struggled a lot with anticipatory fear during the last years of my mom's life. My T tried to tell me not to worry about something that hasn't happened yet. Which seemed impossible and mostly was and made me quite angry with him.

But there were some brief moments I caught myself panicking and realized all I was doing was making the days where nothing was presently wrong miserable while worrying about how i would handle the miserable days to come.

In the end yes it was absolutely as awful as I dreaded but I wish I had found a way to not waste the days that were good on that awful stuff. Mostly it's impossible not to worry ahead of time but I wish for some brief breaks from the worry for you to enjoy the present moments where you have what you need. 

[natureluvr]

Sanmagic, I'm very sorry that you are in this difficult spot.  I'm sending warm thoughts your way, and prayers, if that is OK.  I'm here rooting for you and your D, along with the rest of us.   

[Moondance]

Hi San,

  i was laughing out loud w/ my D yesterday, and it felt good to have a break from the dismality (if that isn't a word, i'm making it one!) of me.

So glad to hear you had a bit of a relief.  Yep dismality of me - I really like this new word of yours and again I so relate to it.