The penny has just dropped for me

[ding dong]

Hello to everybody.  I am 46 years old and have just realised that I was a child of a NPD mother.
I have hated myself for as long as I can remember. I thought I was bad inside because that's what I was told.
My wife  made me go to counselling to sort out my anger issues.
I always thought it was my dad who was the bad one in my life. It didn't take long for me to realise that my mother was the malevolent force in my life.
I have been physically abused by both of them since I can remember. I was the classic  scapegoat   child in our house.
I had a paternal grandmother who did not like boys and never ever was kind or smiled at me.
I had a maternal grandfather who sexually abused me but luckily he died when I was 9.
I am very feral in my manners because I was never shown love or compassion by no-one when I was growing up
I am now realising that I was badly abused all my life and was made to blame myself for this.
I have hated myself everyday of my life. I have wanted to be dead since I was a small child.
But
I am very lucky that I have a wife who loves and supports me in this journey.
I am very lucky that I have a good therapist who helps me
I am very lucky that I have found this site where I  can find some peace and support from people who have been throught the same experiences as me.
Thank you

[Kizzie]

And we are lucky to have you here with us ding dong 

My F was an alcoholic and I thought he was the root of all my family's problems until years later, like you I figured out my M and B have NPD.  It really helped me to undestand why I felt so bad inside for most of my life.

I am fortunate like you to have a loving, supportive spouse who has been great through all of this.  It really makes a difference in recovery.  And having a good therapist as well as coming here are all helpful so I'm sure you will see yourself begin to be more loving and compassionate towards yourself. 

Welcome to OOTS