CSA - trigger warning

[DD]

Almost a year ago I started to suspect something happened in my childhood. Since then I have looked at the puzzle pieces and tried to see the picture for what it is. And partly want to dissociate like crazy but that process seems to be broken.

This week I told my therapist what happened to me. What was behind the teenage year re-traumatizations and abuse in marriage. I am beginning to accept it.

When I was 5(ish), I was repeatedly orally raped by an adult man. I have a few image and physical memories and emotional flashbacks to prove it. And some things just make sense now of why I have reacted as I have over the years. I don't know for how long it lasted but long enough for me to know what was coming and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I checked the rape criteria and it was rape. I was repeatedly raped as a young child.

[gcj07a]

DD, so so sorry to hear what you've been through. Admitting out loud what happened to you takes a lot courage.

I was repeatedly anally raped and molested by my mother when I was a child. It took me years to even begin to admit I was abused, much less use the "r" word.

We are here to support you and to lift you up as you go forward!

[Armee]

Gentle hugs. You have been so very courageous to see it and name it for what it is. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. We are here for you through the recovery.

[woodsgnome]

Hello.

This, and what gcjo7a related about SA, is awful, yet also jives with my own story. Much of my life has seen all the inner battles of horror, doubt, and working with what's inconceivable -- almost beyond the pale of endurance. The only rules of thumb is that what happened was and is still senseless, a theft of human dignity and, most of all, a mutilation of love, making it almost impossible to ever know or realistically relate to it; SA is a haunting that collapses one's sense of finding peace. Yet we try, consigned to wonder what love must be like.

So here we are, literally with no pieces to pick up (or would want to). I well remember one T (not my current one) 'assigning' me to find a loving moment(s) in the m relationship. My result, after wracking my brain for some such memory -- zilch. I can't begin to describe this, as you found as well; there's just no way to describe the total depravity and shame that characterizes the perpetual grief and defeated feelings.

I've dabbled lots in my private journals, but no more. I decided I have to live now, and put the old story into the shredder. Guess what? There's no shredder that totally obliterates the awful memories, but at least one can try, and comfort myself with this metaphor -- I'm driving, can't stop frequently perusing the rear-view mirror, and noticing -- the scary stuff is shrinking further into the distance. Once in a while rusty chains appear along the roadside -- with heavy bolt-cutters. I know -- some would call that silly; but that sort of thing -- the unreality of it, somehow assuages the unreality of what originally was so wrong.

Sorry for the rant. It can, and has, go much deeper. I relay it only as a way to somehow convey empathy with how you must feel, and how hard -- yet movingly -- you're entering onto a new road, away from the wounds and into a land of healing.

[Armee]

Woodsgnome I'm so sorry your T gave you that assignment. I just got quite a visceral reaction reading that part. Sometimes there just is nothing positive to grab onto and it's gaslighting a bit to force us to try to produce something positive mostly for someone else's comfort.

[gcj07a]

I well remember one T (not my current one) 'assigning' me to find a loving moment(s) in the m relationship. My result, after wracking my brain for some such memory -- zilch. I can't begin to describe this, as you found as well; there's just no way to describe the total depravity and shame that characterizes the perpetual grief and defeated feelings.

Thank God none of my Ts ever did this to me. But, there was a time when my wife just didn't get it (this was before I had admitted the SA, but I had admitted the PA and EA) and she kept wondering about how we would go about reconciling with my M!!!!!! She felt a strong need for our kids to know their grandmother. And all I could think was thank God she wouldn't be able to get her claws into them like she did to me!

[Kizzie]

DD I am so sorry for what you went through.  There are things I still hate saying out loud so I know how much courage it takes.      if that's OK. 

[DD]

Thank you Kizzie
It takes a lot to form the words let alone accept they apply to me. I still struggle with that. Dissociation is strong here. But yeah. i went through that.

[Kizzie]

 

[blue_sky]

DD that is so strong and courageous of you to be able to admit and use the "r" word.

That word gives me the chills. I was always made to believe by the perpetrators that it would be "r" only if there is penetration. So whatever else they did to me was not "r" and that's what I believed for years.

It has been less than a year since I was told by my therapist that it was "r" and that the perpetrators were lying and grooming me. Still can't even write it out 

Hugs and more strength to all of us to fight these battles together!   

[DD]

Blue_sky, I know what you mean. I was taught that the hymen is the important thing and only penetration there is the important thing. How perverse is that?!

What I found really helpful, although also very hard, was to look at the law on rape, SA and CSA. I read it through over and over for a few days thinking over what I have experienced. The consent based law is clear enough. And with that as the framework instead of the perverted ones I had, I was able to see what it was. It's still hard. Harder to say than write. So I try to write it.

My problem now is the stigma and nausea this causes in others. My dearest friend got so nauseous with just the thought that she first asked me not to tell her anything. Once she later in the conversation offered to hear it (if I could live it she could hear it), there was no way I could tell her anything anymore.

Same with SO. He just asked me to talk about it at some later time and not in the days and weeks to come. When he has more resources.

I did tell my therapist. He got angry on my behalf. And that felt odd but good. It took me a bit to understand that _ I _ should not have been treated that way and he was mad at how _ I _ had been treated.

In a way, the approach of my beloved people to this is trying to teach me that this is so very shameful. That I need to keep it in to keep others safe from my filth. And I know (I think) it is not my filth but something that happened to me. But it leaves me so very sad.

Thank heavens for all of you here. For this safe space I have found to tell my story. To have it witnessed. To be supported instead of rejected.

[Armee]

It's very very lonely because we aren't allowed to talk about it outside therapy. It's too much. Which just leaves us all alone with the too much. It's unfair and one of the worst parts of sexual abuse and assault. It was by far the worst part for me over the past year. This is one reason I really believe it is helpful to reach out to the rape crisis lines. They can and will hear it. I also can hear it. I do not find it triggering. If anyone needs to for this purpose I will break my general rule against personal messages to be a safe place to not be alone with this. The enforced silence itself is almost a crime.

[NarcKiddo]

I am so very sorry that your nearest and dearest are not able to hear you. I honestly do doubt it is because they think it is shameful. I think people who genuinely love you might have trouble hearing about what happened to you because they are so sickened both by what happened and by their sheer inability to do anything much to make it better. I don't think people fully understand that victims need to be heard and that victims are not necessarily asking them to do anything other than hear.

I am glad you have a therapist you can tell. And of course you have us.

[gcj07a]

DD,

I am so, so sorry that you have to keep it in. My wife has never recoiled from anything I've told her about my own CSA, but I can only imagine if she had. Actually, she is a critical care nurse, so nothing surprises her (she has seen it all), but sometimes she doesn't react at all--is just impassive--and that can be hard too. I have given very general outlines to two very close friends, but I have avoided details because I don't want to gross them out. My T has heard everything and has been a lifeline for me.

Anyhow, I am proud of the courage you have shown in sharing this here. We will witness your story and hold you up.

[DD]

My problem now is that I am breaking apart from this. From the feeling of rejection of this, of shunning of something I am. I hate how envious I am that they are lucky enough to be able to say they don't want this. I'm not so lucky. As they responded like this, I have become unable to trust anyone else of my dear friends would be open to this either. I have 1-2 left I have 't tried. But if they react the same, I don't think I could keep coping. So I CAN'T talk about this to anyone else. And the 45min/week to T is nowhere near enough.

And I didn't even intend to go to the details. Just headline level stuff. On one attempt of talking about this SO just said I need to talk about this yo the therapist, because my SO is not trained on this. Neither was I at age 5 or now. Or most therapists. It just made me feel so broken I can't even be approached by a human being. An advanced degree needed to be human being to me...

Now it feels if it's again just me. Alone. As always. And if I can't cope, it doesn't matter. Never has before.

I am spiralling down.