Profoundy Thoughts and Epiphanies

[Eireanne]

A few nights ago, I was doing parts work and my little was sitting on the bed wanting to write in my journal.  Through a series of events that didn't happen, but as I'm doing moar parts work, they started a journal entry, so I decided to make them their own journal.  Because they deserve to have their voices heard. 

  

EA

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One thing to note, for anyone that reads these entries, the way I do "parts work" may be different than the way many of you experience/do parts work.  My parts are closer to DID (dissociative identity disorder) - at least it seems different to me when I see other people talk about their parts and the research on parts work I've done. 

Some of you that are familiar with my other journal have already been introduced to some of them - The advocate, Drama, My Crazy...all the things I have not let myself say because of conditioning.  They feel it is really important that they all get to say what they want, and I want to honor that for them. 

It may be hard, or confusing to read, because sometimes, they interrupt each other, or run away without finishing sentences.  When more than one think a thing, they usually say We. 

[Eireanne]

The story we tell ourselves is that even asking, just once is us being needy.  Attention seeking.  Imposing.  Getting in the way.  That is the message society/family/friends give me when they.

I have a book I am on the fence about reading.  Each time I start, it makes me mad, I have something to say, I want that...exchange.  To ask someone their opinion, perspective, sounding board, conversation. There are some days I'm just bursting with things to talk about...like a little kid that comes home from school and is so excited to share it's day with you...I want to tell you about every little thing I experienced, all of it, all the time, I want someone to share myself with.  I've never had that, and when I have a friend, and I don't mean in an inappropriate, can't read the room way...but like someone I've known for a while and assume we have developed some sort of intimacy, and I always feel like I'm rambling, like I'm making the conversation all about me, like I'm talking too much....because people don't call ME.  People don't do  more than text, "I miss you!" but it's not ever followed up with, "hey, let's make plans to do xyz together!" I'm the one that always says it.  So the message I get (rejection) is I'm too clingy, I'm too needy, and I take one of those "what is your attachment style?" quizzes and of course it says I'm needy, I have abandonment issues, because I'm living with a man that completely ignored me for 6 years.  There was no "lovebombing" phase. He didn't need one. 

There are no "these are the men you are attracted to" as in "you think nice is boring, you crave the bad boy" No, uh uh...these are the people I attract.  I kept thinking, I need to work on changing my vibration, I must be doing something wrong, I must have been a terrible person in a past life, this is my karma, I am cursed...all I do is fight to get out of this experience and all it does is happen over and over until I think I'm going crazy because I see things happen before they happen and I can't stop them. 

I don't know what functional is, I've only experienced dysfunction, so when I make friends, I learn by observing their cues and try to be the kind of friend I want to have, because all these affirmations told me for years, "make everything about them, ask them about themselves, focus on the needs of others" etc. so I try.

But now when I hear things, I automatically know they aren't true.  Then the mother pattern slips in, where she never told me anything because she "didn't want me to get my hopes up so I wouldn't be disappointed"  I get disappointed when I say to someone, "Hey, lets get something on the calendar, I miss you and want to catch up" and they respond, that would be lovely! But nothing gets put on calendars...or if they do, that day comes and goes and I don't hear from them.   I tell myself over and over, it's ok, something must have come up, they have a lot going on, I am not taking this personally...but when I just....give up and stop texting, and then never hear from them again? And it happens with nearly every person I have interacted with in the past three years to the point where my total human interaction is......a very small number. 

Even then I think on gratitude, because I do have very good (virtual) people in my life who have helped me tremendously, to the point where I had 5 people talk to me in one day and it...kinda overstimulated me because I wasn't used to it.  I'm not walking around going "woe is me" but I am recognizing all the (lies) I've been told that I just accepted as truth, and a lot of gaslighting has been coming up, and the parts are having a hard time with things...so what I've been doing is letting them all tell the story the way they see it...sometimes, they all talk at the same time, and it feels...like we don't know what is true. 

Also, all the BS about my "wise mind" having the answers, it makes anger come up the wrongness of the way most people that aren't on the same level of consciousness that I am on are interpreting things...but only because now I can see behind the curtain so I read it with my level of understanding, and I'm not saying that in a way that implies I assume I'm way so much smarter than everyone around me, I just see things DIFFERENTLY. 

We are shy about starting a new journal where we all get a turn talking and hold the shame and being self conscious that not having positive interactions with others creates in littles.  We never know if it's ok to have things other people are getting, because we are embarrassed at appearing needy.

Also, we miss Hallowe'en. 

We don't understand why people say things without meaning them. 


Don't understand when people lie to us and we don't question the lie, but accept the person for who they are they turn around and laugh and call you gullible and naive for trusting them, but you stupidly keep your heart open and continue to be accepting and forgiving. 

Because we are a good person and we don't let the people that hurt us change us, they aren't worth it, and it is a reflection of them, not of us. 

[Eireanne]

I have a new friend who views me through a lens of compassion and sees me as understanding and patient.  She texted me today and said:

Thank you for always sharing your life with me even though I don't respond right away. I love seeing your name come up on my phone, I've just been struggling recently and when I do that, it's just hard for me to respond in a way I want to. 

[Armee]

 

[Eireanne]

@Armee - Shy little giggled at your wave and gives a shy  back. - EA

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

welcome to all EA's parts.  glad you're here!    love and gentle hugs for you all.

[Eireanne]

Appreciate you San 

[Eireanne]

From a few weeks ago, when I was doing some parts work regarding my food insecurity that unleashed a little rant -

I literally see the filter of the college student who was telling her FOO she didn't have enough money for food.  Father blamed poor budgeting, even though I EXPLAINED the stupid envelopes and just got an "oh" in response.  Mother gave everything to the evil seed so there was none left for me. 

Anger: Gee, tell me why my running theme is the little match girl? Everything went to him.  I got bullied, I was told it was my fault, I was too sensitive.  He gets bullied? He gets karate lessons, which he then uses to break my ribs.  I SHOW you the pictures of my bruises, the police report and you tell Father if...

...And the smarmy look on his face when he did it, the stroking of her arm and I'd say, can't you see what he's doing?  She'd just say what? What is he doing? Why can't you two ever get along? EVERY F-ING BIRTHDAY (end rant)

I'm actually doing really well listening to my parts, processing a lot of what's going on and being aware of things better.  I still have a ways to go though.

[Eireanne]

My parts are out and Anger of course is at the forefront...Now that I'm "funemployed" lol, I am (in addition to re-reading the old journal) finding so many things I saved to "process later" and I just came across these "quiz" results: https://gretchenrubin.com/quiz/the-four-tendencies-quiz/obliger/

Now see, I always come up as a "caregiver" and I'm a fawning people pleaser...but the wording is triggering for me and I don't want or need to click on the more, because I probably did the first time, and this is from 2020...and I feel my life has just been in stasis...ugh parts...

"You can count on me, and I'm counting on you to count on me."

Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet inner expectations. Of all the Tendencies, Obligers are the biggest group, and the ones whom people count on the most. They put a high value on meeting commitments to others, but may have trouble setting limits and meeting their commitments to themselves.


There's just 50 shades of wrong and Anger won't stop ranting about it enough to put it into words, because Defensiveness has already started listing the "negative reel" of the people that have invalidated what I'm actually upset about in the past, so it's like, I don't even want to put it into words, and I don't actually have to. 


How am I supposed to keep my commitment to myself when all I've ever wanted were things outside of my control? I don't know why I attract people that do not have my best interest, I do not know why I can't get my basic needs met.

I don't understand why I've gotten into a car accident with every car I've ever had and gotten my position eliminated from every job I've ever had. and none of this is my fault. 

And I can't keep a friend to save my life.  Literally.

None of this has anything to do with me, I just tolerate BS from people.  Because when I don't I'm told I'm controlling, and I'm a perfectionist, and my standards are too high...and then the rant about L starts in with Righteous Indignation. 

All we've wanted was someone to listen to us.  But we get told we just need attention.  We are too much.  Too much to hope we are worth anything to anyone.  Too much to hope someone might miss us when we are gone (but we are told that sounds "suicidal")

I laugh now to see how hard he tried to convince people I was a danger to myself...and oh the stories he used to make up...but now we have a hard time trusting people once they lie to us.  Only everyone lies.  Why am I so good at seeing things no one else notices?

Whew...that was a lot.  It (the triggers) don't come up when I read about what I survived, but I'm STILL way too insanely sensitive to rejection and being misunderstood that I've been completely avoidant with anything work related.

But without that...trigger, the parts don't come up as much, and I need them to, to keep examining...but I'm out of practice, and have had a lot going on, and I'm finally settled back into no social interaction for the foreseeable future, so I can devote my days to focusing on myself, only...I've been doing it haphazardly. I pursued a distraction for a bit, and even though that's all it, I accidentally made it more important than I should have allowed it.  I did good today, and I'll do good tomorrow.      

[Eireanne]

I'm listening to Dr. Harry Barry: Overcoming Panic Attacks, and he explains it. Clearly I can say for certain I have never experienced that, but Empath can be compassionate for what it feels like.  However, when I try to explain to "normals" what I'm feeling (with my sensory processing disordered brain) and everyone just dismisses it as "oh you're anxious, you're just panicking"  So Wrong and Anger * up, but that's all justified. 

Instead, I substituted the word trauma brain and amygdala hijack and he's practically explaining the same thing.  So it starts getting mesmerizing that I can do this, that I can always see a way to adapt or modify to make it useful to me.  To find the good in everything.  But it's so exhausting that no one will do this for me.  With me.  I tried writing another newsletter email for the things that I'm grieving, and there's still too much anger in it:

Generally, people come to understand who they are through interacting with others.  Freud referred to it as introjection. Although most psychologists have abandoned a lot of Freud's ideas about how the mind works, it's absolutely true that people come to understand who they are through interacting with others.

That inner voice and your understanding of yourself gets built from the interactions you have with your friends and family and the world around you—and sometimes the feedback you get isn't that helpful.

Humans crave connection. It's just how we're wired. Feeling unable to express yourself can make hard times worse.  When you feel pressured to pretend, that you're doing fine when you're really not - it can be draining.

On the other hand, a friendship that allow you to acknowledge and respect the truth of how you feel (even if it isn't pretty) is one that's gently encouraging resolution. Plus, allowing yourself to be authentically not OK just feels good, and is directly related to more well-being.

So what do you do when you reach out for help and are met with only rejection and abandonment?

Let Go The first step to dealing with this level of grief is to accept that we can't control everything. You can not make people show up for you, you can not make people care, or be curious, or have empathy. 

Instead of judging your emotions, accept them and be gentle with yourself. Let yourself cry and move through your grief. Your thoughts, beliefs, and expectations are the sole cause of the effects of your life. When the people around you have insisted on a filtered image of you, completely invalidating who you are at your core, it is ok to feel hurt, angry, and alone.  These are all extremely valid. 

When you don't have anyone to listen to you, you can listen to yourself. There is no one who understands you better than yourself anyway. The more you understand yourself, the more you'll discover these people that you thought were your friends and family are just leeching you of the energy you deserve to give yourself.  The reality is no one really cares about your well-being but you and that is OK. It is not wise to allow your well-being to rest in the hands of highly flawed and self-serving individuals.

[Eireanne]

I leave TRIGGER WARNING at the top of a lot of my posts because I'm never clear on what might trigger someone, and we are all triggered by seemingly innocuous things to someone that doesn't understand us. 

In the category of someone doesn't understand us, I came across this website I had bookmarked years ago and the parts started having a field day with it, so I decided to take it here and see where we end up. 


Since I found it triggering, I'm not going to post the whole thing here, just the parts I want to respond to...may not make sense or still be triggering...unsure...



When you stop making (your parents) responsible for what you feel today, you access your power to really live. It's like my brain almost shuts down when I read this...at the wrongness of it.  I didn't say they were responsible, but they ARE.  Their neglect has left me ill equipped to deal with things, but that's just a fact of life, I'm not BLAMING them.  Would I ask that they ACKNOWLEDGE - but I know they won't, and I've already had my peace with that, I haven't talked to my mother (or had any desire to) for 15 years. I don't have feelings of needing closure, I want what I was never given - proper parenting.  Someone to look out for me.  Someone to support me.  I want to learn what it feels like to depend on someone. I want things I've never had.

Often we refuse to let go, and hold onto the anger at our parents because we feel dignified in doing so. Wait what, dignified?? What does that even mean??  I'm not holding onto anger dude, I'm for the first time in my life validating myself when no one else did. Learning to reparent myself and give myself what I never had (still don't) someone to listen to me.

However: "Do you want to be right or free?" OK Donnie Darko

"Is being right making you happy? Is holding onto being right changing them?"

Each moment you hold onto the resentment, you keep yourself stuck in a prison of victimhood. You are responsible for what you choose to do.

AAAH, here's where the parts start screaming BS. It's like...I keep being told I'm acting like a victim EVERY time I try to set a boundary, no one listens, even the other night at dinner, J was saying how my parents were *, but I shouldn't let that rule the rest of my life, I need to let it go? I'm like, let what go? I'm effing grieving here and reparenting myself...what part of that looks like.....Websites like this?  Why are "normals" so blind to it? And it makes me want to rant and scream and...hahaha become the "angry spinster" I always knew I'd end up being.  Even as a child.  All I wanted was to feel like I belonged somewhere.  It makes PERFECT sense why a human would disassociate from these feelings.  Brains are remarkably protective like that. 

It's just for me, I don't disassociate.  I tell people exactly what I'm experiencing...and it's like they can't hear me.  I'm so....different, always have been.  And "normals" don't know what to make of me, so they tell themselves stories and explain me away...in a way that isn't me.  No one really sees me.  But then they'll ask, "so how's your summer going?" a week after you tell them you've just lost everything and have been in survival mode for as long as you can remember (in response to "so what do you do for fun?"  These people are STUPID.  Ignorant sheep.  - Bitter, angry.

They are doing the best they can with the resources they have.  Um, yes...I've been saying this pretty much my entire life.

If you are holding onto anger or resentment towards your parents in anyway, you are killing yourself. and here it is, right here - where they invalidate Anger.  I'm not "holding onto" I'm "finally listening to" when no one else did.  When everyone else told me that by allowing myself time to Attune to and Validate what happened, and allow myself to properly grieve for it...that isn't being a victim, that's asking you to be part of my support, and in your rejecting and abandoning me when I needed support most only proved to me that none of you were ever worth my time.  That...um doesn't sound like being a victim...if anything, I'm a victim of listening to "society" and trying to fit in.

they didn't allow that to determine the rest of their lives. This is what people see when they look at me.  That I'm allowing myself to be isolated, without friends and family, lol sheep.

See @San - weird how different things trigger different people.  Overall, the message on his website was fine...the fact that everyone skips over the most important part - being heard, being believed, being listened to.

[Eireanne]

Eireanne is listening to videos and reading old articles she's saved from the before times, and we are also doing parts work. 

Again - not to negate anyone else's lived experience, but in listening to "Overcoming Bad Inner Voices" The video says, "An inner voice always used to be an outer voice. We absorb the tone of others. These "other" voices repeated their messages over and over until they got lodged in our own way of thinking. Part of achieving happiness in maturity involves altering our inner voices, which means encountering equally convincing and confident but also helpful and constructive varieties of voices over long periods and taking care to internalize them."  All well and good, until we get to the description of these so called "helpful and constructive" voices we should be listening to - They might be the voices of a friend, a therapist or an author.

But those are all the "other" voices that have been invalidating me for years and all the parts laughed.  At how wrong everyone gets it.  Because everyone (myself included) keeps hearing through the filter of their own understanding instead of what is really being said.  Not stopping for understanding before barreling ahead with a fix.  So now my "negative reel" is being told "You are enough".  But enough about that, back to this uproariously funny video.  /sarcasm

[Eireanne]

We found an old conversation that shows I've been doing parts work for 20+ years, I've always felt isolated, lacked a sense of belonging, and was desperate for someone to notice me.  This may be triggering for ppl, so pls don't feel the need to read it.  We need to read it, so we can understand what was happening...

1: I feel your energy tonight and it is pretty frenetic...like this a lot?
~*ME*~: LOL are you kidding?
~*ME*~: today is a good day!
1: oh sh*t.
~*ME*~: Most of the time I can barely function
~*ME*~: I'm like a sponge, I soak in everyone else's emotions
~*ME*~: I need training to help me to block stuff out, but I also need understanding for the things that are wrong in my head
1: you need a cleansing ritual
~*ME*~: totally
~*ME*~: but I'm very alone right now, and it drains me too much to try it
~*ME*~: I end up with blinding migraines
~*ME*~: I think there's a negative energy around me, that is preventing me from getting ahead, and I know it's my own subconscious, so I have to figure out exactly what it is, so I can face it and vanquish it
~*ME*~: I'm tired of being like this
~*ME*~: and I don't know anyone else who has more gifts than me
1: you are wide-open because you are over-generous with your energies
~*ME*~: I'm about to have a very bad year, and I need all the help I can get
~*ME*~: my goal is to make it to June with my sanity intact, but I"m so drained right now, I don't think I can
1: why is the coming year bad?
~*ME*~: oh, it's a long story
~*ME*~: mostly career and personal life related
1: hey, I have time
~*ME*~: I tried to transfer, but so far, I've not had any luck
~*ME*~: I've lost all my friends, I have no family
~*ME*~: so after a bad day, I come home to an empty house
~*ME*~: Even the months I spent away from AP no one seemed to notice
~*ME*~: all I did was lose readers, just those few who always read my stuff, like you
~*ME*~: so I've started by cleaning my house
~*ME*~: but the closer I get to clean, the harder it is to get me to move
~*ME*~: I've decided not to leave the house until it's done
~*ME*~: but I'm not making any progress
~*ME*~: and today is Thursday
~*ME*~: I wanted to be done 2 days ago
1: Making contracts with yourself, like that, is not always the best way
~*ME*~: yeah
~*ME*~: but I've no motivation
~*ME*~: nothing will drive me to do it
~*ME*~: I even promised myself I'd go get a massage when I was done
~*ME*~: it's not as if I'll have company
~*ME*~: I've lived here a year
1: you should try a combination of motivations...carrot AND stick
1: what area do you live in?
~*ME*~: it's a subconscious thing
~*ME*~: my head screams at me to finish, but something is blocking me
~*ME*~: I live in B
~*ME*~: Next to JC
~*ME*~: the ghetto
~*ME*~: woo hoo
1: lol I've worked in JC for years
~*ME*~: lucky you


1: I'm going to ask you questions in a moment, I want the first thing that comes into your head as an answer, is that OK?
~*ME*~: sure
1: what day is it?
~*ME*~: hahhaa, Thursday
1: where would you like to be?
~*ME*~: in bed
1: who would you like to be?
~*ME*~: angelina jolie
1: what would you like to be doing?
~*ME*~: meditating
1: if I ask you the same question, I want a different answer, OK?
~*ME*~: ok
1: How old are you?
~*ME*~: 29
1: How old are you?
~*ME*~: 105
~*ME*~: LOL
1: What number is this lifetime? (I realize here he thinks we are talking about past lives, but he's just talking to my parts, bc we thought it was fun when people noticed us)
~*ME*~: I dont understand the question
~*ME*~: you mean the one I'm in now?
1: yes
~*ME*~: I never counted the past ones before
~*ME*~: I have a very old soul
1: I know. don't search for answers....whatever pops up, ok?
~*ME*~: it wouldn't be the correct answer
~*ME*~: I'll just say 8 (because that's the age I was when *this* life went wrong - the first time we noticed it
1: What number is this lifetime?
~*ME*~: 23
1: lol
~*ME*~: that's just eris speaking
1: knew that.
~*ME*~: ok
1: thats ok too
1: whats blocking you?
~*ME*~: my mom
1: is she still living?
~*ME*~: yeah
1: does she live with you?
~*ME*~: no, she lives in vegas
~*ME*~: my parents are retired
~*ME*~: she calls and wants me to visit
1: her reach is long (yes, she's my first core wound)
~*ME*~: I don't like vegas, so I told her I'll go see her in Nov, when I have time off
~*ME*~: I've grown dependent on her recently
~*ME*~: we were never close when I was younger
~*ME*~: and when I finally decided I needed her, she moved
1: Whats holding you together?
~*ME*~: guilt
1: Whats tearing you apart?
~*ME*~: I'm not good enough for her
1: Who are you good enough for?
~*ME*~: no one
~*ME*~: I'd just like to be good enough for myself, but I"m failing at that
1: whats the first emotion you experienced today?
~*ME*~: I don't know, i"m mostly exhausted when i wake up in the morning
1: tell me about what you eat?
~*ME*~: eat?
~*ME*~: I eat carbs (it's triggering for me, because it's pattern recognition, 20 years ago was the...maybe second or third time I had lived this pattern, but at that period, I wasn't consciously aware of it, I just felt it like a negative energy in my subconscious that I kept trying to figure out, but I couldn't get out of survival mode long enough to do it...so I caved and went to my mom for help, and that's when they moved across the country - abandoning me....again.
~*ME*~: everything I eat is a carb
~*ME*~: and when I feel guilty about that, I don't eat (this is my food insecurity, no one understands it, bc it's the opposite of what people assume I'm experiencing, the same way we don't drink or have any of the other traits - because that's what everyone keeps getting - I'm socially isolated, and I go so long without what normals take for granted
1: do you check your blood sugar?
~*ME*~: my mom checked it once for me
~*ME*~: she couldn't get me to bleed
~*ME*~: it was funny
~*ME*~: I have low blood sugar
~*ME*~: I always have, I was born with it
~*ME*~: my mom is a diabetic though
~*ME*~: so I worry one day I won't be able to eat sugar, because I'm allergic to non-sugar things, aspartame
1: hypoglycemia?
~*ME*~: no, just get dizzy
~*ME*~: no energy
~*ME*~: no stamina
1: aspartame is nasty stuff - its good that you dont use it
~*ME*~: it triggers my migraines
1: have you tried splenda? (I literally just told him I'm "allergic" to non-sugar things...grumble grumble
~*ME*~: causes anal leakage, I read the package
~*ME*~: no thanks
~*ME*~: I like sugar
~*ME*~: my body rejects anything that's good for me anyways (this is still true, any time I try to eat "healthy" my body rejects it)
~*ME*~: I only get sick when I try taking vitamins or something This used to be true, until I lived with D and would get any sick he would get, and as socially isolated as I've been, my immunity has gotten REALLY low, so I have it in my head/a story a doctor convinced me is true - is that I'm very very sick...when really, I just am very, very alone
~*ME*~: I just stay away from any artificial sweetener
~*ME*~: I like my sugar real, and my milk whole
1: ok do you love yourself?
~*ME*~: sure, why not
~*ME*~: I love everything
1: what relationship do you have with your body?
~*ME*~: LOL we aren't on speaking terms right now
~*ME*~: If I wasn't myself, I'd never be attracted to myself, and I know that's horrible, and I've just got to accept it, but I hate looking at myself
~*ME*~: I don't like the way I look
1: What don't you like?
~*ME*~: I have an endless list
~*ME*~: there's something wrong with every part of me, there's not one part that I like, except the color of my eyes, and no one even notices that
~*ME*~: they all think I have brown eyes
(edited because boring - he suggested I have amber colored eyes - again, they are mood changing, but hardly anyone ever notices - it took my dad until I was in my twenties to notice.  And I lived with him. People are ignorant and no one ever sees me.  I want to be seen, and I've been saying that for my entire life...this was from 20+ years ago...)

~*ME*~: I figured out why I want to see a psychic...aside from all the other reasons
~*ME*~: I want to see why I'm so resistant

1: resistant? a fine electrical term
~*ME*~: there's a large part of me that's comfortable being isolated, and it's struggling to keep holding me back, because it's afraid it will die if I find happiness (This is a belief my dad had, I don't feel that way now, I was just blaming myself for my isolation, just like everyone else does...like suggesting I must be "giving off a vibe" or that everyone was convincing me I was the common denominator in all my misfortunes and like Cassandra, I saw the pattern starting to repeat itself and once again had no social support, and was just doing what I could with what I had, and at that point it was just trying to clean the house and rewarding myself with a massage - but not even that works as motivation when you get this lonely)
1: have you spoken with it?
~*ME*~: every time I am happy, it destroys a part of my life, and the only peace I ever find is when I don't try anymore
~*ME*~: like my poem catatonic (note to self, go look for that poem)
~*ME*~: that's what my head is like
~*ME*~: I don't know how to speak to it, it screams in my ears
~*ME*~: it uses my mother's voice
~*ME*~: it's very abusive, I'm not sure there is any talking to it
1: who doesn't want you happy?
~*ME*~: it doesn't have reason, just a tenacity to stay alive
~*ME*~: me, I don't want me happy
1: ok, thank you
1: who doesn't want you happy?
~*ME*~: the voices in my head
1: thank you
1: who else doesn't want you happy?
~*ME*~: everyone that's ever hurt me or used me
~*ME*~: oh, and my principal
~*ME*~: you can put her at the top of the list

1: tell me about being hurt, used
~*ME*~: what's to tell?
1: your personal story of it
~*ME*~: I went to a therapist the other day, for a consultation, and his big epiphany is that I"ve been abused a lot
~*ME*~: every time I let someone get close to me, they leave
~*ME*~: The last one, he was nice enough to take $2,000 of my money with him before he went
~*ME*~: I never get an explanation, no closure, so I figure it must be some failure on my part

~*ME*~: my mind jumps from one thing to the next, not realizing that it's impossible for anyone else to follow (actually, people that attune to what I'm saying have no problem following my train of thought)
1: have you looked in the mirror? do you have hurt me & use me written on your forehead (backwards of course)
~*ME*~: lol, I guess I must project that, because I am a magnet for those people
~*ME*~: that's why I've become a hermit
~*ME*~: there's never a happy medium
~*ME*~: I can't trust my judgment right now
1: you have a 'butterfly mind' I don't have a problem with it, in fact it's far more refreshing than others
~*ME*~: that's the exact word I use
~*ME*~: refreshing
~*ME*~: I'm more real than most people, and people aren't comfortable with that
~*ME*~: I feel like I only exist virtually
~*ME*~: I find people online that like me for who I am
~*ME*~: I have a great network of friends I've never met
~*ME*~: all time zones, so there's always someone up
~*ME*~: all struggling with some horrific personal demons, same as me
1: Who has all the power in your life?
~*ME*~: hmmm
~*ME*~: not me
~*ME*~: that's for sure
~*ME*~: I feel like a puppet, in someone's sadistic idea of a cosmic joke
1: Was there ever a time when you had it?
~*ME*~: before my brother was born
~*ME*~: I think I was happy (when I was
~*ME*~: my mom told me she would get it right with him
~*ME*~: that I was just the guinea pig that she made all her mistakes on
1: tell me more about that, are you killing yourself to please your mom? (that's not the first time he's implied issues with my mom that aren't there)
~*ME*~: no, because she doesn't see the real me
~*ME*~: she lives in denial
~*ME*~: all she wants is to have this family she's created in her head
~*ME*~: and we aren't that family
1: Show me the real you
~*ME*~: the real me is very small
1: ok, my microscope is ready
~*ME*~: hahha, the real me gets very angry, and screams, but no one hears
1: You are right, I don't hear it
~*ME*~: she wants to tear apart at the seams, she's bursting with so many emotions, so many more than can be named, and needs to find someone that understands
~*ME*~: but she is invisible to the naked eye
~*ME*~: and not many people can see her
1: is that what she really needs? to be understood? just that?
~*ME*~: yup
~*ME*~: if she had someone that truly understood her, she could curl up in their arms and be solaced
~*ME*~: instead, the other parts of me step on her, and try to keep her quiet (because when we speak up, bad things happen. When we tell HR we are being bullied, we get our positions eliminated, while "normals" try to convince us "that is not the way this world works!" This...This is the way my world has always worked.
~*ME*~: and she's too small to fight or be heard
~*ME*~: so she sits and waits
1: how many parts are you, EA?
~*ME*~: 3, or perhaps 5
~*ME*~: we don't like to be counted, so we rarely stand still long enough
~*ME*~: we also pretend to be things we aren't, because we enjoy the confusion
~*ME*~: that's why I am comforted by discordianism
~*ME*~: it's the only thing I ever read that made sense
1: whatever you pretend to be, you are.
~*ME*~: but if i pretend long enough, I'll forget who I am
~*ME*~: I dont' even remember who I am anymore
1: Who are you?
~*ME*~: I don't know who people see when they look at me
~*ME*~: I'm nobody
1: you can't fool me, you are just pretending to be nobody...like Oddysseus
~*ME*~: I was someone once
~*ME*~: and I was loved
~*ME*~: but it was a lie
1: You are someone.
1: Now.
~*ME*~: he didn't have a heart, so he took mine
~*ME*~: and now I'm an empty shell of someone I used to be
~*ME*~: I"m mediocre at best
~*ME*~: I've not one thing that sets me apart from others
1: what are your birth details? time/date/place?
~*ME*~: hahha, we even have different birthdays
1: goodie, more charts!
~*ME*~: the real me was born on x
~*ME*~: I disagree with a lot of things my birthchart says
~*ME*~: so I wonder if it's me not seeing who I really am, or me just not being what the chart predicted for me at the time of my birth

~*ME*~: and if that's the case, where did I go wrong?

~*ME*~: a Saturday
~*ME*~: it snowed
1: what are your other birthdays?
~*ME*~: October 31st, a Wednesday
~*ME*~: I think I might be 19
1: october 31st is a special date for me
~*ME*~: I just looked it up
~*ME*~: 19 years ago, october 31 was a wednesday


(This is where the saved convo ends...even back then I recognized my trauma parts and identified them easily...because they've been a part of me for as long as I can remember, with no one else to talk to, I just observe the parts in my head, and get accused of "overthinking everything" but really what else is there to do when humans won't give me the context I need to understand the patterns? it's not my fault most of them don't want to look, but they're there.

Funny thing, even writing this I think most "normals" would say I sounded like a crazy person, but I was listening to a podcast and someone else was saying he noticed the same thing, the serendipity of things...and I understand it's just the way my brain is wired.  That and the lack of being able to discuss things like this with other people, so maybe I'd learn more words about the things I experience?  Unsure. 

[Hope67]

Hi Eireanne,
I read a lot of what you wrote here - thank you for sharing it.  I love the word 'serendipity' and wanted to also say that.  You've recognised your trauma parts and been able to identify them easily - I think that's really a big thing.
Hope