Profoundy Thoughts and Epiphanies

[Eireanne]

I appreciate you saying that Hope    I'm spending a lot more time in this space with my parts, and trying to give them turns to talk, it's bringing up a lot of stuff that I've been trying to piece together. 

[Eireanne]

Illness neurological differences developed through a combination of biological vulnerabilities and an invalidating environment.

[Eireanne]

Ugh, I feel like I am breaking open and it's so disconcerting but I ride it out (meditation is helping) and I start piecing together all the patterns of things I've been seeing my entire life.  Talking about it with people that get it help SOO much but the more I understand...the more it feels like I'm on a life raft drifting away from the shore...

and it triggers the memory of the pool...

and my fear of falling

and all the nightmares of my mom not hearing me

of no one hearing me

because no one has, my entire life, I've been saying the same thing, over and over.  Trying to reach people that....I suddenly realize (mid-conversation) that they just aren't following me.

And I have never felt I could depend on anyone, because I haven't.  I do not have the memory of the feeling of "depending" - I completely understand the concept.  So I grieve that.

I grieve that my inner child never got to experience that, and I understand my mother, that she couldn't give me what she herself never experienced, and didn't have with my father, and that made her a really unhappy woman.  She taught me that.  How to be unhappy, by telling me I was miserable.  Instead of understanding how she kept me socially isolated by her own insecurities my entire life.  That I never understood how to live, how to navigate, how to set boundaries, how to have an opinion, and here is where I get scared and reach out for a distraction, because here is where sitting alone with this, with needing to tell...but realizing....again....being triggered by this same life 20 years later, of not having any family, and losing all my friends, because of this...that the things I learned from my mother cause my parts to shatter and they ALL want to say a thing...and suddenly it's like screaming in my ears, only I feel it with my body....and it's sooo unpleasant.

That's why I leave myself articles (in the other journal) about how to rethink that feeling...as excitement. So instead of picturing cortisol and an emotional flashback and my sensory issues because of my touch starvation, which keeps me in the mind state of "omgs you're going to die alone and your body won't be found for months) I push through that feeling and realize it's just...the fact that I have always seen clearly all the things behind the reasons why people do the things they do...so I put up with them treating me like crap because not *ME* but like the message I get from EVERYONE, even my closest friends is all that BS of sorry...triggering, can't type, and that's when it just plays in my head like a movie and I want to say it, but it's not that it's "triggering" more so it's "branching" and it physically hurts to keep typing. 

My head start playing it out like a movie because my parts take over and each one has a different story - like branches on the tree.  I need to unpack it all, but to do it, I need to decide on a branch to follow, so (you) only hear part of the story.  We stick to that branch until you listen, but meanwhile (a lot of the time) the other parts still talk anyway, so they all talk over each other and it gets louder, but my brain translates the din of all the parts wanting to be heard, to have their branch followed, because it's ALL important, it's all a piece of the puzzle, and all part of this pattern that I've been stuck in and talking about for my entire life. 

Since I was 8.  and 17. and 19. and then we completely stopped linear time.  So there's college part - when the food insecurity pattern was established.  there's 2012 and 2017 and 19 and now.  and some overlap.  and then there's anger, and hurt, and rejection, and the others that I've named because they are the ones that were most vocal.  And I've always just accepted them as part of me, but never talked about them, because well, if I can't get a neighbor to understand, "I'm in survival mode, dealing with active trauma and I'm completely socially isolated.  Can you perhaps, just have a conversation with me?" which leads....effing NO WHERE. But it's fine, like it's NOT, but it is, because I have this journal now, and my meditation group, and you know, other virtual things, which I've always managed to do.

My biggest (sounds like complaint) is how come I have no friends? Meaning, like, why does no one show up at my door and say, hey, let's go out for coffee.  And I have to lower my expectations to the point I have to be satisfied with occasionally, one person remembers to text me (which is the part my therapist and I talked about). Exaggeration because you're not listening to me. 

Yes, it is perfectly valid to be HURT/ANGRY that you don't have social support and most people you talk to are (redacted).  It ISN'T fair, but also, these people are mind numbingly dull, it's not that small talk makes me anxious, it's that I understand things at such a deep level, having a deep conversation about BIG THOUGHTS is so interesting to me and all I get are people that...and it branches again, but it just goes like that...and sometimes I have to stop, and sometimes I realize my brain distracted me from completing the thought pattern of things about my mom, not because I'm afraid to go there, or it's unprocessed, it's because we know and telling us the same story over and over again is just...like a broken record?  I read a funny word today - Junebugging.  It's for people with ADHD but it's applicable.  I just have to give my body a break and I know I do, but I also know I can't just keep pushing myself.  I don't remember most of it anyway, and that's why I have to write down as much as I can as fast as I can, because when I read it back, even if it's from 3 years ago, I can just filter it through all my parts and learn how to....something something.  We need a break now.

[Eireanne]

The looping is because all of my parts keep filling in details, like little editors sitting over my shoulder saying, "you should have said it this way" or just pushing me out of the way and typing what they feel needs to be said, and it leads to miscommunication when people are hurting me. Only they don't realize they are, and I didn't have the vocabulary to explain to them what was going on, but I go back so often and replay something, and see where the communication broke down...because language is messy, feelings are complicated, it's never just one thing, and if you had enough context you'd understand. 

Only with the context will you actually understand me, only no one wants to understand, they just want to fix. So I end up feeling like I'm cursed, and I'm caught in a cycle that I can't seem to break because??? And here's where I am....again. 

Armed with the knowledge of every other time this has happened and we are all comparing notes. 

I start seeing where I've taught myself incorrectly based on faulty models.  I've only ever experienced what I don't want. How would I have basis to understand what I do want if I never knew it existed.  That I didn't know what I didn't know.  There's only so much you can understand something by reading about it, and constantly being told that kind of thing doesn't happen in real life, so I ended up in a relationship where I worked with a redacted manual and had no clue what I was doing.  All I knew was what I was doing wasn't working. 

And the distraction said something interesting the other night.  But I'd have to open his file to retrieve that data and he's in the no-no zone right now.  Because we do not prioritize things that do not prioritize us. 

Which contradicts what my actions are, but that's where you'd need context.  And I have it.  But now I'm going numb again.  And I really don't think I should keep going, I've got too many tabs opened again at this point *headdesk*

[Eireanne]

The parts have been so triggered lately.  I keep wanting to apologize for not spending more time reading and leaving thoughtful responses to your journals and the posts you leave for me here. I actually DO form a response in my head, but I need to prioritize me right now and like...get the thoughts out about what's going on in Part-Land and then I feel bad/guilty/fawning - don't actually need to apologize, and I know you all know, it's more that, I actually DO want to spend more time being part of this community in an active way. I only just noticed Kizzy's post about do we want to make our journals private...and I was actually thinking that I need to make this one private...but do I really?  I don't know...I had a lot of thinking in line to what other ppl already said...and it's not a "now" problem, so I will come back to it.  Just like I'll eventually come back to responding to all of you...

So book club is tonight, and I'm going only because #1 it's literally at the end of my block and #2 I already read the book.  I don't have any animosity towards these people, but aside from the first meeting making me feel INCREDIBLY rejected on so many levels, like non-welcoming, not very friendly, and then (anger) starts ranting about the Farmer's Market - the point is, these aren't my people, my desperate need for belonging makes me resentful that I do everything all the self-help gurus say (the one I'm reading now is extremely like that....so I decide, ok, I'll listen to a meditation, I have a few of them bookmarked, and the first one I pick completely triggers me.  Like to the point I want to write a transcript of the entire meditation just so the parts can pick it apart.  and it's like I'm on the precipice of something....and I'm realizing more and more what it's not - it's like this friggin curtain I can see behind, like seeing the Wizard of Oz was just a fraud the entire time, you can't go back to believing they are emeralds after you see the glue and putty...it's all an illusion - me just believing my labels because my mother told me that's what I was, that's how SHE saw me, so that's how I must be. 

My dad telling me I'm worthless...and I said, wait? Are you telling me I'm worthless? He said, "you're mother thinks I'm worthless, so you and I can be worthless together".....the context that I fill in (THE STORY I TELL MYSELF) is my mother was always disappointed in me because when she had the idea of me, she pictured what it would be like, her dream of me...and she didn't quite understand that she couldn't just WISH I could be what she wanted, verbally, in front of me, on a regular basis.  That it's your actions that your children learn, not so much the words. 

My mother complaining about my personality - and I was watching a video recently that said all personality is is someone mirroring what they think you think of them....or something. It's not important.  No one ever liked "my personality" that I was too much like my father, and all my mother did was complain about how disappointed she was with her own life.  Like I'm sure she felt like I did, invisible, invalidated...

MY basic need of communicating was never met - it makes me NEEDY - is another story I just tell myself, because I feel it, like a craving, like an addiction, I just want to talk to someone sometimes.  But no one I know will meet me at that level, and so *I* feel disappointment...and I tell myself the story I'm turning into my mother, because I just sit home alone all day every day, and my dad could never figure out how to make her happy, to the point he became a non-person, he didn't know how to just be happy on his own....and I don't know how to be happy on my own...but not because I'm not content with the things I have around me, I practice gratitude more and more but all it does is highlight my grief...because I realize everything I've been reading is wrong (for me) and everything I've been saying has been misunderstood....ugh /end rant.

[Eireanne]

Book club in ONE hour. 

So maybe my mom had an idea of the way she wanted her life to be and it wasn't like that. And maybe she tried over and over to get through to my dad about the way she felt, and like how A doesn't really listen to anything I say, and D surely never did, that people just have communication issues, and until the both of them sit down and have a BS free conversation about how they feel, then no one is going to get anywhere.  And all I remember is the both of them coming to me, telling ME how they felt, letting me analyze it, explain it back to them, so they could then take that knowledge and...what? So my dad started going to therapy (on my birthday, so he was doing it "for me") and she wasn't a very good therapist, but my dad sort of had a crush on her, and she gave him free therapy in exchange for him bringing her lunch...but I think it was more for him someone to talk to that listened, because no one else did.  He was largely invisible too...and socially isolated, but I don't know if he noticed or cared...because he had his routines, and he wasn't really good when things were out of place.  My parents didn't even sleep in the same bedroom, they had different sleep habits, but the part that affected ME was that my mom pretty much took over my room the minute I left for college.  Which my dad got angry about me packing up the car to leave because I was "letting all the air out of the house" (financial insecurity - passed on from generational trauma, thanks everyone)

BTW to spite my financial insecurity, I bought a $5 candle that I didn't need just because I could - and I don't care if it's cheap, I like the illusion that it smells good and it's a pretty color AND it's called Balance.  #smallwins

The core wound of not belonging stems from them, I never fit in my own family.  My mother was disappointed with her life and she was/is oblivious that all I learned was her actions, how her words internalized in my very being - not to mention the fact I have 50% of her DNA.  I'm disappointed in life but for VERY different reasons, and her reasons just aggravate the....out of me because I want to shake her and say "you're complaining about NOTHING, you have no idea how much you have that you don't see" And I know someone could say the same thing about me...so I have been invalidating my feelings, and forgiving my parents that "they didn't know any better" but the truth is, there were things that any decent human being should have realized...

Like the time my car broke down and my dad had to finish cleaning the house before he could come and pick me up...the sheer fact that I was not a priority to them.  Either of them.  To help me fill out forms, figure out tax stuff, the basically showed me once and then just expected me to be independent, didn't want to be involved, didn't want to prioritize me as a human being.  So (Drama) tells me that I grew up in a vacuum, but I know that's not true - but I've still been invalidating myself, because even though I grew up (redacted) I still want to have my experiences validated, but when I try, people accuse me of complaining and not having a good personality. 

So I keep trying to be what everyone tells me I am, and have become a non-person.  My parents never let me have an opinion about anything, so I grew up not having my opinion respected.  Or even asked for.  There's so many layers, it's all a lot, and my brain gets stuck on some points, but I lose track of what they are when it all comes out...and conversations in my head go exactly where I need them to go, but when I try to write it down, other stuff comes out.  It's all lost in the merry world of trauma. 

[Eireanne]

Every person with whom you interact, now acts as a mirror to show you where you are now within your mind. You are here to learn about your thoughts and emotions, and you will see them reflected not only in the reactions and actions of your brothers and sisters, but also in everything you see around you. There does not exist a person, place or thing in this world that does not reflect who or what you believe about yourself. When properly perceived, all people, places and things will teach you who you currently believe yourself to be. All people, places, things and moments reflect what you think and feel about yourself. - You Have Chosen to Remember

Reading things like that for me...used to be triggering.  Because I would take it to heart, little empath that I was, and I *KNOW* that everything a person says is a reflection of the story they tell themselves about what they are experiencing, and rarely if ever do people reflect me back to them.

What I see are people that are so lacking in curiosity, or willingness to understand how someone else is feeling, instead, they tell themselves a story about what you are going through and when you don't do what they suggest (would work for them, based on the story THEY are telling themselves about what you are experiencing, and not what you're actually going through, because they never actually attune to you in the first place) they determine FOR you that you aren't trying.

The me I actually am is rarely reflected back in the people I interact with, because most people don't even take the time to really get to know me.  I believe I'm am amazing person who has had sooooooooo many friggin not amazing things happen that it's affected the way I relate to the world in extremely valid and (coping skills) ways.  I am STILL in survival mode. 

(the fact that I literally tell this to one of my neighbors and the next time she saw me she asked, "so how is your summer going?" is a reflection that she is an oblivious, self-obsessed woman whom I don't really *want* to be friends with anyway.  But it's NOT a reflection of ME.  None of these people are reflecting me back to me - My parts have been. 

[Eireanne]

I just finished having a thought about a thing and decided to listen to another one of my bookmarked meditations and immediately it's talking about the thing, so I decided to pause it and attempt to write a transcript of it to process later...

Today I want to spread awareness of narcissistic abuse and being a scapegoat. Just feeling totally abandoned, and isolated and alone and unlovable, because this is something that I personally have experienced a lot in the past and I do know the pain that goes with it. When it's never our fault, and the reason someone is being scapegoated, is not because we deserve to be punished for who we are, but because we are self-blaming. And people are always mirroring back to us, who we are and what we believe about ourselves. It was only when I understood this that I was able to stop being the scapegoat...(this is the point I paused it to write the transcript, because of what she just said)...and to really stay in my own power and my own worth without ever giving my power away.
 
This all starts with the need to stay small in order to get other's approval.  The reason we are so worried about getting other people's approval, is because we still have an unworthiness wound. When we are really rooted in our own worth, we never give our power away and that means we never attach our worth to how someone is treating us.  How someone is treating you is about them, but how you react is about you (I hear this all the time, but maybe it means something different now?)

There was a time when I was always playing small because my self-worth was dependent on the acceptance of others. I was always too afraid of making other ppl feel angry or triggered, because that means they would reject me and make me feel unloved.  (I've never felt this way, the only time people reject me is when I try to set boundaries because I'm not getting my basic needs met and I'm being communicative about it) One of my favorite things is to see my clients rise from this.  blahblahblah sales pitch.  Afraid of being too much. Because you shine too much, you are too pretty, you get too much attention...(I'm not sure who this woman is talking to, but it's not me.  If anything, I've felt that everyone was subconsciously jealous of how much I shined and was determined to hurt me, because society tends to react with fear and hatred towards things they don't understand).

What I understand in my own healing was I was scapegoating myself.  I was blaming who I was for not receiving love. I was blaming my own light, my own beauty and needing to stay small...(except for me I've been blaming the fact that no one wants to listen to what I'm experiencing and really understand what I'm trying to say as being "too much, too needy" etc. I'm not Too anything, I deserve to have someone really attend to what I'm saying and for me to be able to get my basic needs met and for me to stop accepting breadcrumbs from everyone around me and call it friendship. 
Worthiness on the inside so we heal our worthiness wound and we don't give our power away.  Really understand that our worth cannot be given or taken, it can only be reflected.   

I did do something along the lines of what she was saying in Elementary school.  I was beat up a lot and called a nerd, which I didn't understand, because nerds were smart and I struggled a lot in school.  I would look up the definition and see how un-nerdy I was.  So I stopped participating altogether in school.  I rarely if ever spoke or participated, and would often read another book (fiction) inside whatever textbook we had in class.  Since I went to a really bad school, I was still able to pass, but even the teacher would give me bad grades for personality - needs improvement or unsatisfactory.  Sigh.  Scapegoated.  Maybe if I wasn't picked on so much I would have done better in class, but the story I told myself was if I stopped doing well, they'd stop beating me up. 

[Hope67]

Hi Eireanne,
I was sorry to hear that you got beat up a lot at school and I think you did well to pass your grades with all those circumstances going on.  I feel some anger towards your teacher for giving you bad grades for personality, I think that's inappropriate of that teacher to do that.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Eireanne]

Thank you Hope.  To clarify, it wasn't just one teacher, it was almost every teacher, every year.  Yes, there were a few teachers who saw something in me and attempted to give me opportunities to nurture it, but without the support I needed from my parents at home...well the negative experiences, bullying and abuse far outweigh my memories of...having a childhood?  It's part of the stuff I am trying to process in my relationships now, because I've never actually experienced being able to verbally ventilate my lived experience without having it immediately invalidated by someone. Thank you for validating the anger I feel at not having had the support I needed as a child to build resilience against bullying, perhaps the same behavior...I would have learned to stand up against as an adult in a way that doesn't trigger my feelings of rejection and abandonment so much?  It's hard for me to understand, have compassion for, forgive and validate myself for all these experiences.  I genuinely appreciate you are reminding me I'm not alone as I work through this mess.   


As usual...something from my reading that I let my parts rip apart...although we are blessed with the knowledge of the power we are also cursed with it. The path is unclear, and the waters muddy. (A story I told myself)
The steps we take on the road less taken can isolate us from those around us and force us to look at a reflection of ourselves that takes time to grow used to. (a story I told myself)
We stand alone in our doubts and we know that even if we try to explain them to someone else, even if they have been through the same thing it won't make any difference because this is personal. (a story I told myself)

It would be nice to not have to think so much, to see the world as others do. Flat and explained.
But we also know that if we do this a part of us will die, not right away. (I don't feel this were true. I felt if I was just another one of the sheep, at least I'd be content with the level of sense of community they are offering and not be so disillusioned as to reject it as not being what I need, but I deserve to experience having my basic needs met, and I can't possibly be content with breadcrumbs.

although we may walk alone when the sun comes out you'll find that you are no longer where you were. (The story I tell myself is that I will be even more painfully alone than I am right now, because I keep losing more and more people the more I work on myself.  It's not that they are being replaced with an even deeper connection with anyone, it's that I am learning to accept that I might not ever know what it feels to have the kind of connection with another human being that I crave.  And I grieve so much. And this is where I'm stuck and cannot see another perspective, because no matter how many times people that are in my life now say YET, all I've experienced is loss.  And parts of me want that validated. 

we don't grieve this loss but celebrate it because the further it takes to travel backwards then the further we have come. (te story I tell myself is that once I fully validate and understand that it's duality that people that weren't being good friends to me still rejected me and the heartbreak akin to a "breakup" is still there, as it has every right to be, even though they were doing me a favor in rejecting me, so I can see they were never giving me what I was asking for, which was literally the bare minimum, and me excusing their behavior every time told THEM the story that it was ok to treat me that way. It's not. It never was. 

Seek not that which you do not already possess within yourself. (this is just another invalidating message similar to "you are enough" that makes me defensive that I'm asking for someone to attune and validate my experience so I can hear that it mattered.  It did matter, the way I was neglected mattered, because how am I supposed to reparent myself when no one has ever read the manual on How to EA? And I don't have the manual on "how to human"  So how can I be expected to be treated with human decency when I don't know what that feels like? The people in my life tell themselves the story that they model it, but their actions were just teaching me to invalidate myself and my basic needs. 
You'll find that people tend to be more comfortable once they've found a label to stick on you, a niche to cram you into......and they won't really notice if the label doesn't stick or if you slide out of the niche they've stuck you in. Just let them have their cherished and steadfast belief that THEY are the ones with all the answers......and let your spirit guide you further along the path you have chosen for yourself. You will be the richer for it in the next lifetime (The story I tell myself is I'll never know what it's like to be loved the way I need and I just have to accept the love I've been given and I shouldn't ever hope for more, because any time I do, I'm trying to "change someone" and they will find any reason to reject me. 
When I grieve the fact I've never gone on a "girl's trip" even though I've craved experiencing one since I was in college – I wanted to go to mardi gras, I wanted to go to Italy, I wanted to do something with my life, have experiences, feel like I belonged and no matter what I try I don't, and people say, "but you don't have to be co-dependent, you can take yourself on a vacation!"
I don't think anyone realizes I live every aspect of my life alone.  Going in for surgery, I was terrified, I explained to the anesthesiologist that I had to hold onto my phone because I was so scared and since all my friends live in my phone, holding it helps me imagine someone is holding my hand. 

Had anybody attended to me with empathy and compassion, it wouldn't have taken me this long to discover the truth about myself.  (Is a story I tell myself).

[Eireanne]

To experience self-image transformation, allow the negative thoughts in your unconscious habitual belief system or ego to surface. For it is in their surfacing that light will shine on them, and you'll be able to finally see and understand what they are truly offering. When you understand that you truly do not want what they offer, you will release these limited beliefs. When you release them, you will let go of all you thought you were. (all I was repeatedly told I was). Finding out who you are in truth, many times, begins with the realization of who you are not.

The more you realize what it is you do not want, the closer you come to finding out what it is you do want.

It is wholly normal to feel sad on a regular basis. But there are also always a sufficient number of things that remain beautiful and hopeful, so long as one has been allowed to understand and known one's pain and anger - and adequately mourn one's losses.

When you lose something, don't think of it as a loss, but as a gift that lightens your load so you can better travel the path that was meant for you.

Never stop ignoring the naysayers. – When someone undermines your dreams, predicts your doom, or criticizes you in any way, remember, they're telling you their story, not yours.

Never stop giving yourself a chance to soar to new heights. – You'll never be able to fly if you hold on to what holds you back.  So respect yourself enough to walk away from what no longer grows you.

[Eireanne]

I have been doing all this research to understand my trauma better, I realize there are all these adaptations I created, where my brain makes projections of people so I can have someone to talk to, because my basic need of communication has never been met.

I spent half of this year terrified that I was going to end up bitter and angry and that's why all my friends were abandoning me.  But the more time I spend without them, the more I realized my neglect as such a young age, to have never had these life experiences everyone takes for granted I have, to just be learning things now, by watching other people parent their kids, I'm like...reflecting back on what childhood experiences I remember, and it's all just me sitting in my room, and occasionally taken to one of two friends' houses...I've lived a very isolated life and I don't know what I don't know because I've never experienced it.  And people that I called my "friends/family" wouldn't even hold space for me to try to put themselves in my shoes, they simply saw my situation through their own lived experience, not understanding I've never experienced the things they are taking for granted. 

Most people, any time I try talking to them, give me some variation of invalidating what it is I've been trying to say, and I accepted it because no one has ever treated me like I've deserved more. 

[Eireanne]

Before you can let go of any emotion, you have to feel it fully.

There is value in taking the time to care for ourselves and give our bodies what they need.

Here's something I read that I've been doing...before I read it.  So it's a bit of validation that all the things I've been reading that make me feel invalidated are perfectly valid. 

The entire concept of "routine" doesn't take into account that every day is not like the one before it. We wake up differently each morning, with different things ahead of us and different underlying moods. Strict morning routines ignore this fact entirely and ask you to apply a single behavior across all types of days.

Forcing yourself to go for a run if all you really want is a giant garlic bagel is not self-love, it's just another daunting commitment on your calendar.

Upon making this realization, I decided to try a new kind of routine, or rather, an anti-routine. I began waking up every day with no expectations or agenda for how that time would be spent, and instead let my actions be guided by how I felt in that exact moment. It's time that is mine to spend, time where I get to listen to my myself and be driven by my desires from a place of non-judgement and spontaneity.

[Eireanne]

We, on many occasions, have told ourselves stories about what people abandoning you means but what has this ever offered us? Pain, sadness, disgust, envy, jealousy, anger and many other negative emotions have resulted from our believing the story you told yourself about other people.

Making up reasons for people abandoning you based on the last thing you said to them is not only a bad habit but also an addiction, for what else would we call something that causes us pain over and over again?
 
When I try to get my feelings of abandonment validated, it invalidates the feelings of the person I am telling my pain to. Causing them pain. And them telling stories about me who are then told things from THEIR friends, cementing their decision that the story they are telling themselves about me is correct, never once just coming directly to the individual and saying, This is what I'm hearing you say.

For if we have ever experienced judgment, pain, scarcity and sadness, it is because the reality within our minds made us believe that these were proper, fair, and correct responses to whatever we thought we were experiencing. In the end, these were choices we made. We have been taught by the world, our families, peers and society how to react to circumstances. But look to see where most of the world, our families, peers and society physically, spiritually and emotionally live. They predominantly live in a world of confusion, chaos, anger and judgment, and yet they want us to believe that if we follow their rules and laws, we will find peace of mind and joy.

It is now time for us to recognize that we are powerful beings. It is time to put aside all rules and laws that have resulted in judgment, pain, scarcity and sadness. For deep within, we know this is not what we want. And if we don't want something, does it make sense to pursue it?

You currently have in your life what you consciously or unconsciously want. But I offer you that if you have the power to bring to your life things that do not give you joy and peace, then know that you also have the power to bring to your life things that do offer you joy and peace. You have an active imagination, and you have created what you want and think you need to experience.

[Eireanne]

I've often felt like maybe because of my mistakes, I should be more forgiving of others' mistakes as well. This is completely normal, but the problems start to arise when you start justifying people's negative influences / actions by blaming yourself.
If you are not being treated with the love and respect you deserve, check your price tag. Perhaps you've marked yourself down. It's you that determines your worth by what you accept from others. Get off the clearance rack and get behind that glass case where the valuables are kept. Value yourself, and accept nothing less.

It's really hard to walk away from people, or cut people off – especially if you love them.  But you have to recognize that they are negative influences in your life.  Whether they cut you down, make you feel ugly or incapable, tell you you're not good enough, or refuse to love you or be there for you the way you would for them – LET THEM GO.  Tell yourself over and over again that you deserve better, and you'll find the strength to walk away.

It may seem scary to be without that person people, but there is something more wonderful waiting for you on the other side.

That false sense of hope where if I just keep working on myself a little more, keep remembering my worth, keep telling people what I need and one day, things will be DIFFERENT...is really hurtful, but I shouldn't let that invalidate the rest of the message.