Profoundy Thoughts and Epiphanies

[Eireanne]

I am in a period of undoing my old thinking. Don't fight the obstacles. Just bless the obstacle and keep moving toward that what you were seeking.

Over time, as your course becomes more direct, you will begin to recognize an obstacle before fighting it and he will master how to maneuver through life. Over time, your obstacles will be used as stepping-stones.

This could be a hopeful thought, or just another story I've been telling myself.

[Eireanne]

"We can not know what we have not experienced." Such is the truth of life that we become not by chance but by experience. Each experience opens a window into ourselves, into who we were, who we are, and whom we are choosing to become.

What most of us want is to be heard, to communicate. The self we are presenting to the world is negated each time we speak, yet goes unheard. Let go of all extraneous thoughts when we are in a conversation with someone. We cannot expect to get from others what we are unable to give. The beauty of hearing each other is that it helps us to hear ourselves.

you may choose not to see me, but I am still here.

Dealing with feelings of abandonment, rejection, shame, and worthlessness are excruciatingly difficult in isolation.  Many people avoid pain at all costs, someone who chooses not to spiritually bypass their pain will learn very easily that it takes a village – so you become a village. 
Let go – let go of the idea that there is going to be someone to support you outside of yourself.  Again, don't spiritually bypass it.  Grieve the loss of your support system, and realize that it was all a deck of cards anyway, you lied to yourself to keep yourself safe, but now is the time to stop invalidating yourself. 

Learn to stop asking for help and help yourself.  Finally coming to terms with the fact that people aren't going to show up for you when you beg for help, when you're "going through it" and letting them go hurts.  But after a while you come through the other side and realize that they weren't giving you what you needed to thrive, you were just focusing on gratitude, and accepting the bread crumbs everyone around you was feeding you. 

it doesn't matter if you are right—because the other person simply isn't open to hearing it.

You may think that persistence wins the day, but relentless effort does not always work in your favor. When someone suggests something you really need, don't take them up on their offer.  This leads to false hope.  Remember you are enough, so if you have a need outside of your own ability, it's a reminder that you're asking for too much again.  Learn to let go.  Learn to let go of the need to have things outside of your own ability.  Let go of the idea that it takes a village, and keep reminding yourself that you are enough – because you are all you are ever going to have. 

Consider taking the path less traveled, going within, and getting quiet. Being yourself and shining your light.

[Eireanne]

I want someone to tell my story to, and to talk about the things that come up while I'm journaling.  When I am bringing up all these memories and I'm realizing the things that are triggering my core wounds, when I look into how to heal from core wounds I'm told the same things over and over - none of which works for me. 

I want to get my entire story out to someone so they can help me re-write it. I need someone else's perception to heal MY filter of events.  I want to tell my story to the point where I don't have to tell it anymore. I feel like I've never been heard and I want that, I want people to know what I've been through, to validate. I need validation - is that wrong? I want someone to talk to all the deepest fears that I have, and realize WHY I'm afraid, even if it takes me a while to get to the why myself. I need someone who GETS it.

And I realize, I have to be that person for me.  I am being that person for me, and at the same time, I'm avoiding doing it, and avoiding so much else because the rejection and abandonment is still there.  So right now I'm just listening to myself and pointing things out...hopefully I'll get there and remember to stop stopping for distractions, no matter how shiny they are.

[Eireanne]

Like a dog with a bone, I am giving in to my parts need to rip something apart and putting this invalidating information about anxious attachment.  I knew on some level and my therapist completely validated for me that attachment styles are being used incorrectly and I had it right all along. 

frustration anxiousness and fear are often expressed as anger

(shoutout to anger, hi anger!)

I've learned my anger is pointing out I'm not getting my basic needs met. 

The basic need of someone responding to a text. 

Answering a question

Responding to a suggestion

Not closing a door in my face and then not answer the doorbell and make me feel anxious

Hearing "I'm in survival mode, I've literally lost every facet of my life" and responding with, "So what do you do for fun?" and following it up next week with, "so how's your summer going?"

See? There's Anger.  Anger is justifiable.  Valid.  Absolutely appropriate.  You are seen Anger.  I hear you.  You are not CRAZY. 

You are not having a temper tantrum.  You do not need to be escorted out of the building by security.  You just need to be heard. Acknowledged.  You're right.  It should not have taken you 15 times of saying the same thing before I paid attention, it isn't fair to you that I wasn't listening.  You have every right to raise your voice when I'm ignoring you.  I will work hard to show up for you, because you are important to me. 

These are acceptable things to want to hear.  Instead, I was walked out on.  Any time I said, "you're hurting me by doing this, I need you to understand my triggers better"  And I literally gave him the blueprint to abuse me. I told him every weak spot, every vulnerability and he tortured me for 3 years....that a part of me was aware of anyway.  I didn't know.  No one told me.  How was I supposed to know this was wrong? To want to have intimacy with someone I'm living with and not have them hurt me, see they are hurting me, and then blaming me for it, ignoring me, tuning me out and gaslighting me.  For sooo many years, until I saw it, and I just...survived, until I was able to get away.  Then my landlord took his side and took away my psychological safety, during a pandemic.  Triggered my financial insecurity....and then gaslit me right in front of his wife to get me out of the apartment 3 weeks before my lease was up, even though he threatened me to get me to pay full month's rent when I asked could he possibly take partial rent out of my security deposit (I know I'm going to get the full thing back, I'm a perfect tenant)...it was horribly traumatizing and no one has ever once even let me talk to them about it.  What I went through.  And see, here's where I could go on, and keep explaining what happened but I want to back away from it, so during therapy, I need to practice....not backing away from it. 

I keep telling her, I have no conscous awareness of what I am saying during our sessions, and could i please like, have it recorded so I can remember what I talked about, and she jsut keeps telling me she's taking good notes. I find it mildly frustrating, because even these word documents I'm reading is helping me piece together things faster, and giving me (and a lot of you) things to think about, but I feel like she's got that part that I can't continue talking about - like what happened with my landlord, M & J were right there, and they just sat in the next room, didn't stand up for me at all, and I just accepted that, because I was desperate to understand why I am constantly bullied and gaslit by people..I was so (still am so) triggered all the time I can't trust people, because literally everyone lies to me, and not in a paranoid way...but it's just....what happens, I start talking about my landlord, then I start talking about M & J and what sh*tty friends they were, but they thought they were being such GOOD friends, and then Anger loops around again and I can't seem to just tell a story.  Get through it all...accept, validate, rinse, repeat...it's all so much.  And all that triggered by an article I started reading, couldn't get one sentence in without being triggered by how much I've been lied to. 

\ to help yourself you can start by identifying trigger points for anxious preoccupied tendencies fight-or-flight Ok, I just want to stop here to point out, I literally just identified my triggers, I am best friends with my triggers and their root causes but...


remember that we don't see the big picture when we are in fight-or-flight mode we easily catastrophize when Activated  Ok, so I just finished telling you half a sentence ago that I can't remember what I talk about when I'm letting my parts talk to my therapist, and I wish she'd record it.  That's why I let my parts type, so I can go back (eventually) and listen to them.  Right now I'm hearing them, but it's literally an entire conversation with a room full of people, you want me to remember every single thing everyone just said for the past hour? my memory isn't that good. I get the overall gist, but sometimes I make REALLY GOOD POINTS and I miss them because it's literally building castles out of air, I keep saying over and over, Joy? I don't know that I've ever experienced that emotion....and people hear, "Oh, you're just depressed, remember all your friends!" UGH where is the want to vomit emoji? No wonder I was feeling nauseous.

I tried explaining to my therapist at this point, I don't know anyone IRL that could....follow me this far down the rabbit hole.  Look at how many FAILED attempts at therapy I've had, Anger...ok

remember that we don't see the big picture when we are in fight-or-flight mode we easily catastrophize when Activated it's going to take me forever to get through this great wall of text if I keep typing every single thing the parts think....#reparentingftw

I keep trying to use that word...catastrophize...it's one of those words I can't say, my tongue trips over it EVERY time, but the point is, I pointed out to her that THAT...isn't what I'm doing.  I'm literally being very reasonable in my asks.  Can you come over and help me feel less isolated so I can build up a little bit more resistance to do all this HARD work in isolation. No, I'm not isolating myself, but now I have to isolate to protect everyone against anger...because this is where ppl will get a side of me they've never seen - Erinyes

I need to get out all this anger because even though they mean well, they aren't listening and haven't been good friends to me, at all.  But I need to like rise above all that and get to all the new stuff I'm reading, just all the old stuff...

it's basically letting me know, Hey, you know when you cry and you say, how did I get so old and kids that are in their 20's already have this all figured out? and I tell myself that you've pretty much had to raise yourself since you were 8, then start taking care of your parents when you were 16, and your brother....and your grandfather...so of course people said you're a CAREGIVER and you've taken on all these thankless caregiver roles where you are constantly bullied, because you've literally never been seen, by anyone and so when someone is the least bit attentive to you, you kinda just....accept it, to survive, because A) it ABSOLUTELY SUCKS being isolated and B) all that sh*t you were reading 6 years ago was lying to you and telling you this was your fault.  You didn't know.  Now you are starting to understand and pretty soon you'll really know what to say when ppl (redacted) and you can't trust them, you have every right not to trust anyone - that's called setting boundaries and if they can't do what you ask ONCE, then you do not have to continue talking to them, even though you really really like humans and you want to be one too...they aren't your people, your people wouldn't hurt you and be clueless while they're doing it.  Your people will ask.


(some context found in my other journal..._
I've been a caregiver my entire life.  I took care of my brother when my mother was too sick to do it, which was most of the time. I was eight. 

In college my family decided for me it was best I check in on my grandfather, who was suffering from Alzheimer's, due to my proximity.  I tell people the story of how I was the first person in my family to graduate from college, but I leave out the part of what it cost me.  I worked three jobs to be able to maintain the funds I needed to be able to pay for tuition, rent, utilities, and car maintenance, so when I wasn't in class and wasn't working, I was driving from S to W to check in on my grandfather, who didn't even remember who I was.   

I missed out on all of the developmental milestones I should have had in college to give me the backbone I needed to survive in society.  I missed out on so much.  Then, when I graduated from college, I went straight into working as a teacher, but because I was a new teacher, I hadn't developed the strategies that great teachers need to be able to reach all students.  I was working 12-hour days, barely connecting with other teachers, not fitting in, and not being well liked by the administration, because I was an advocate for my students and you aren't supposed to rock the boat while I'm sitting in it.


There's like a bunch of context for the stuff I'm angry about and my therapist is encouraging me not to have to explain it, like don't give the context, but in the context is where the parts are, and it doesn't come up until a sentence...starts it. I understand in the manual on "how to people" you cannot do this, and the suppression of me being extremely unsure, blanking out, not processing - misread as panic/anxiety - the parts are all saying different things and sometimes someone asks a question and my mind goes blank, not because I'm in fight/flight mode but I have no data...

and no one gets it because no one asks the right questions, everyone just makes an assumption.  That's why I'm constantly saying things like, "but not in a paranoid way" I've been invalidated so often by everyone, and everything I've read and they just keep saying (guru talk).

[Eireanne]

...research methods of how to form healthy secure attachments\self-reflection allows you to understand and see things from a different point of view I am REALLY good at assuming things from other points of view, so I make excuses of why my only friend in the entire city stopped texting me for 8 months before I really evaluated our friendship and realized it wasn't what I needed it to be.


taking time for self-reflection leads to greater self-awareness which in turn leads to self-improvement I think I can say with all fairness that I am the most self aware person I know...lol.  I want to say in existence, but I know I have more work to do...but still


having a strong sense of self also improves your confidence and your self-esteem you can achieve this by stopping take a step back from the situation look identify and get perspective on what you notice and what you see listen to your innate wisdom what would you tell a friend if they were in this situation so triggering, ok...I have all the sense of self, and absolutely 0 confidence and 0 self esteem because of valid reasons.  My innate wisdom? It doesn't know, it didn't have any data and it asked everyone else we knew, help and it got us fired. That is the pattern. I'm not afraid to ask for help, I asked HR, people gasp in shock when they hear...but this happens so frequently, I of course have maladaptive behaviors of being hypervigilant for a bully because that's all I know, and I don't even have to do anything to attract them. What I have to learn is how not to react to them, but without being able to recognize them, because I'm filtering everything (rightly so) through the, "how are you going to hurt me" filter. and I literally asked all of my friends and they either gave useless advice like "have you tried going to HR?" or "you should have a come to jesus talk with her" and this other thing I literally read and did and got eliminated for it....it shouldn't have happened but it DOES, these things happen every day, to a LOT of people, and the thing we all have in common is we are invisible. All the online gurus tell their story of hardship and "overcome it if you just do what I did!" life isn't like that. life is the bystander effect and people victim shaming.

is this advice that you could be listening to yourself right now (thank you, next)


act identify the steps you need to take moving forward to adjust change or improve here are some questions to ponder when you reflect on you what are
my core values what are my beliefs what is important to me what are my priorities what are my unique gifts skills strengths or talents what are my weaknesses or blind spots who do I want to be what energy do I want to bring to everything I do what is the impact my actions are having on others how do I serve or contribute or add value what are my passions what do I love what gets me engaged and motivated and excited are there any beliefs that I have that are limiting me what do I want for my life and Who am I at my best

The parts are exhausted at even reading those list of demands. I'm just going to leave this block of text here for later dissection. 

when to communicate if you feel that every communication you have with your partner just leaves you feeling exhausted and confused and any conflict is far from resolved it's safe to say that this communication is not proving effective of course you will need to express the ways in which you're anxious preoccupied behavior is affecting you and how it's affecting the relationship but this communication should become non defensive and non-critical focus on what you do want rather than what you do not want when not to communicate there may be moments when you decide that sending your partner a quick text would be such an easy way to get rid of this uncomfortable desperate feeling for connection that you're experiencing but this is seeking outside validation and reassurance and it's not an effective long-term solution instead try to identify what exactly is it that you need in that moment and see if you can seek ways of giving this to yourself instead of demanding someone else does it for you what are you reaching for are you scared overwhelmed worried taking the time to specifically name your emotion gives you more power over the situation and yourself what are you hoping will happen if you initiate contact be honest with yourself and what your expectations are when you make contact when you are feeling overly anxious distressed or stressed we can assume you're hoping your partner will respond back offer you the reassurance that you need and this will make you feel better sometimes this might be the case but again this is a quick fix and does nothing to address the issue at hand which was your need to reach out in desperation and fear and not love what if they do not respond back immediately however or they respond only with a quick message to let you know that they are too busy rights now this will only feed the insecurities that you are already feeling at some point you will need to accept your part in the attachment style feelings of guilt and blame and shame have no space here and will certainly not help you only you can take positive steps to change the emotions and behaviors that are part of this attachment style you need to pay attention to your behavior your trigger points and develop effective coping strategies you will struggle to do this from a place of shame and guilt if you want a healthier attachment style you need to be willing to make the changes necessary for that to happen from a place of wanting positive change ask yourself are your responses proportionate to the situation when you find yourself feeling insecure and distressed say your partner has informed you that they have made plans without you for the weekend or they haven't replied to your call for several hours or they are late for a date or the last time you spoke they felt distant and distracted take a step back and ask yourself if the intensity of your emotion regarding this matches the situation is it possible that you're overreacting there could be many reasons why they have been unable to call back they may well have been distant the last time you spoke through reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with you and if you haven't discussed this yet you just don't know and so creating some terrifying story of rejection and abandonment is entirely destructive is your panicked reaction truly warranted wherever possible do not involve yourself with someone that has a dismissive avoidant attachment style this one is particularly important for anyone that finds themselves dealing with a partner that has an avoidant attachment style there is a video on this channel to explore coping methods if however you feel you are anxious preoccupied being partnered with an avoidant can be truly damaging unfortunately however there does of course seem to be a pattern of anxious and avoidant people being attracted to each other and forming relationships for the anxious preoccupied being in this dynamic will create feelings of being unheard unwanted and unloved they will feel dismissed devalued discarded and unimportant because the avoidant attachment style is contradictory to the anxious relationship style and the anxiously attached tend to suffer significantly more in anxious avoidant relations any of the trigger points and responses will just feel magnified in this relationship dynamic you may find yourself attracted to an avoidant partner since the avoidant presents themselves as self-reliant and reassured and these are attractive qualities for someone who feels this will give them reassurance the anxious preoccupied is already sensitive to rejection and slights and will take any signs of distance from their partner extremely personally the reassurance and closeness an anxious partner needs will rarely be given by an avoidant partner who keeps their distance and is uncomfortable sharing their emotions the anxious partner responds to relationship issues by trying to create more intimacy craving connection and vulnerability from their partner and this in turn only pushes the avoidant even further away and this can happen over and over in a cycle of push and pull which leaves both feeling hopelessly misunderstood and miserable some people just cannot heal on their own and the people in their life are not necessarily qualified to offer help either in that instance it is important to consider seeking out a therapist if you feel you need one seeing a therapist or a psychologist is a sign of strength not weakness it shows that you want to become a better person and improve yourself and your relationships attachment styles are complex because they are developed in childhood if someone had parents who weren't very attentive to their needs and or were absent then it is possible they might develop an anxious attachment style later in life that is why it's important for self-reflection and ultimately see a professional if you need one who can help you sort through all the years of emotions that have built up once you do you will be much happier and emotionally healthier do you feel you have suffered from this attachment style or somebody close to you if this is the case and you feel comfortable enough please feel free to express some of your thoughts in the comments section please do share any strategies that you have learned to cope and any success stories as this may well just help someone who is learning about this kind of attachment style and how to deal with it

[Eireanne]

5 Things that Happen When You Embrace Being Alone
WRITTEN by MARC CHERNOFF // 75 COMMENTS

An astounding number of people in this world hate being alone.  Perhaps all of us do at some point or another.

We fear being without friends, family, or a partner.  We get anxious about traveling alone to strange places, and being lost without anyone to hold our hand.  We fear taking on life without a shoulder to lean on, for fear that we're not strong enough or good enough to stand on our own two feet.

This is natural – this resistance to being alone. We've all felt it deep down in our own way, though we often try desperately to ignore and deny it.  And this is one of the greatest causes of our stress...

To avoid being alone we'll socialize endlessly, online and offline.  We'll date, and even marry, someone who isn't right for us, just to have someone to cling to – someone to fill up the empty space in our lives.  We'll watch hours of TV, or stuff our faces with junk food, or buy toys we don't need, because these things are replacements for love... especially self-love.

The secret to turning things around?  Awareness and acceptance.

We have to open our minds to the empowering nature of being alone.

Move your body in whatever way feels good to you. Negative emotions get stored in our bodies on a cellular level. Moving is one way to release stress and negative energy. It doesn't have to be intense; you can dance, practice yoga, or go for a walk. (I do this, and what feels good to me is laying in bed all day every day, on my computer going deeper and deeper inside myself)

Keep a gratitude journal. Gratitude is one of the simplest ways to raise your positive vibrations. When we recognize our great fortune and appreciate all our blessings, it automatically puts us into a "feel-good" energetic vibration. (no, it doesn't. I grieve the loss of everything I've never experienced, and recognize how I've spent my entire life accepting the bare minimum and being grateful for it

Write down your goals and connect to your "why." Writing down a list of your goals will help you get clear and take more inspired action. Be sure that when you do, you connect to your "why"—the feeling that you hope will come when you achieve this goal. (I'm still working through this part, which is why I spend all day every day working on this stuff)

8. Visualize what it will look like when you achieve your dreams. Once you've written down your goals and connected with your why, read from the list first thing in the morning and right before bed every day. Take a few minutes to visualize and connect with the feeling of achieving your dreams. (I haven't been able to do this yet, I'm still working through everything I've never had)

9. Feel like you already have what you want.
Feeling is believing. Let these visualizations transport you to a world in which everything has gone your way. Pay attention to the details: What this world looks like, feels like, and sounds like. Doing so will help generate more excitement and positivity, and encourage you to continue taking inspired action towards your dreams.


This helps, because I see where I am, honestly, and I see what I think I need to work through, and I try not to think about how long this might take, or how much more of my life I won't get to live because I need to heal from this. 

[Eireanne]

The problem can't be solved at the same level of awareness that created it

[Eireanne]

I haven't done "parts" work in a while, and they ended up coming out this afternoon.  I tried looking up online "how to reparent" but none of the stuff is relatable, because a "normal" part is an inner child, whereas my parts are emotions and projections of people that stand in for people I've never had in my life.  None of them can give advice, because they are literally projections, they aren't going to know anything more than I do.  And I don't have answers.  I do however, have tools?  I don't want to worry semantically about that word now because I have had a headache all afternoon that is turning into a migraine, so cognitive stuff is out the door right now (end disclaimer). 

A loose idea of a plan is perhaps a better way to say it.  Not adhering to linear time, enjoying the perks of being completely invisible (today what my "parts" needed was to sit in the community garden and sob...and people literally walked by me walking their dogs...it's amazing how invisible I can be, and so I just started singing out loud to what I was listening to and crying as loud as I wanted to until the invalidating word "performative" popped in my head, which I ignored, because it wasn't what I was doing.  After I felt I was done (there was no sense of catharsis and of course no sudden inspiration from the "wise mind" whose idea it was in the first place was to just let myself feel my big feelings for a bit with as much support as I was going to get...from the sun warming my skin, the breeze wiping my tears....the cicadas aggravating my headache....lol 

I went home and talked for a few hours (linear time) with an online friend I've made who was explaining about co-dependency and this person she knows, and I was like, wait...but literally everything you are describing sounds like me...only without context, and since my friend has taken the time to know me (so she has context), she also agreed that was not what I was doing, but it was so interesting to me that a majority of people have only ever seen me through this filter, since no one has ever just stopped and taken the time to say, "what do you mean by that?"  or have been even remotely interested in my lived experience.

The parts had a bunch of things they wanted to do (hence me starting this post here, instead of my other journal) but my headache is winning, so there's always tomorrow and the promise that we will work on it. 

We are very happy we were given what we needed today, even if we still don't have any answers.  And a small voice in the back says, "yes we do and we're already doing it"

[Eireanne]

I've been batting around the idea that I'm not actually an introvert, that I am extremely socially isolated and have sensory processing issues, so being around loud/crowded places makes me both physically uncomfortable and at a disadvantage because I can never hear what is going on. But all my life, people have just dismissed my discomfort, never allowing me to be curious about it and labeled me as an introvert.

So I'm exploring the concept...

Introversion is a personality trait characterized by a focus on internal feelings (well what option do I have when all I am are my thoughts?)

Introverts tend to be more quiet, reserved, and introspective. Extroverts gain energy from social interaction (how can I gain energy when every time I'm around people I feel invisible, which leads to me feeling like I'm in the way...the only time people notice me is when I'm standing in the wrong place and we do the awkward "excuse me dance" which leads me to just stand up against walls)

I put so much energy out there begging someone to notice me, to come talk to me that by the end of the night I'm completely drained.  If someone does take an interest in me, my lack of knowing what to talk about usually creates an awkward silence which gives them the excuse to leave.  The countless times I've joined a group of people, only to have them one by one migrate away, leaving me standing/sitting awkwardly alone...and then the one time I put all that aside and had the best night of my life, it caused an entire group of "friends" to completely disown/stop speaking to me...telling me it's never safe to be myself....the amount of strange looks and "that doesn't sound likely" from people I share things with. 

Introverts prefer to stick to deep, long-lasting relationships marked by a great deal of closeness and intimacy. Yes...I want to experience this.  I accept being an introvert if it means I can experience closeness and intimacy. 

Also in the article is a bunch of stuff that parallels always being alert for danger and wanting to be in situations that minimize that (duh). 

Self-awareness and self-understanding is important to introverts, so they often devote a great deal of time to learning more about themselves. Um...well how else am I supposed to find out what's "wrong" with me?

introverts typically prefer learning through observation, preferring to observe before attempting something new. Introverts like to watch others perform a task, often repeatedly, until they feel that they can replicate the actions on their own. When introverts do learn from personal experience, they prefer to practice somewhere private where they can build their skills and abilities without having to perform for an audience. Valid. Shame, embarrassment as well as inability to actually process what is going on unless someone models it for me...yeah, ok. If you like to learn more by watching rather than doing, there is a chance that you have a more introverted personality.

Introverts do appreciate being around people with whom they are close. They find engaging in "small talk" tedious, but do enjoy having deep, meaningful conversations. Introverts also tend to think before speaking. They want to have a full understanding of a concept before they voice an opinion or try to offer an explanation.

Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone.

According to estimates, extroverts outnumber introverts by about three to one.

Introverts often find that other people try to change them or even suggest that there is something wrong with them.

There's also a quiz attached, which I took and You got: Ambivert because most of my introverted tendencies have more to do with rejection and not having anyone willing to talk to me than actually not wanting to be around people.

People who receive constant feedback from peers that something is fundamentally wrong with their personality just might start to question themselves.

[Eireanne]

The things you've been told throughout your life aren't necessarily true. "There goes my brain, interpreting feelings of rejection as rejection again".  So you go into things worried it's happening again, and maybe you aren't your best self.
 
First, ask yourself: "Is there anything I could do to ensure or increase the likelihood of a good outcome?" 

Yes, I can put on a show and be fake. 

It's not so much being fake as not giving people consent to share your lived experience with them, which means you can't actually have any form of communication with them. And I'm trapped in this limbo.

ask: "Is there anything I could do to prepare for a bad outcome if it occurs?"  Understand that these people aren't your people anyway, so eff them.
 
Studies show that people who wrote about emotionally charged episodes were happier, less depressed and less anxious. 

Cool.  So if I keep writing everything down, eventually I'll learn what happy feels like?


Something snatched from my old journal:

I have no one to hold me accountable for anything. If I do something, if I don't do something, who cares? That's always been my thought, and my mum reinforces it. She says, so? If you don't get it done today, you'll get it done tomorrow...I have years of putting things off ingrained in me, and I really want to change my habits...but with any habit, good or bad, it takes time to change, and I know baby steps, and good days and bad days and what all else, but grrr...it's a struggle.

And I still am doing that now, because I have to, because I can, because at this point who cares? I need to get to things when I get to them and not feel guilt or any other kind of emotion about it, I'm doing what I can with what I have.  Sure, I could push myself more, but why? It's about to be winter and I'll have all day every day of this for months on end with no distractions, so why push so hard?

[Eireanne]

here are six types of negative stories (called maladaptive schema) that you can come to believe and let guide your behavior.

Number one is the abandonment story.

do you have unrealistic expectations of how relationships should be? No, I don't.

In what ways could you practice being vulnerable so that you can open yourself up to experiencing more joy in relationships? I don't think it's possible for me to be any more vulnerable, I am an open wound. 

Because of your early experience, your reflexive reaction is to close down and protect yourself from being hurt. No, it's not.

Next is the dependent story.

You need to learn to be more comfortable with yourself so that you can be able to sooth yourself and break away from this pattern of being dependent on someone else to meet your needs. I'm working on it, but social isolation and touch starvation are brutal. It would be really nice if I just knew what it felt like to be able to depend on someone. 

Number three is the unworthy story.

whose voices do you hear when you say I'm flawed. I'm unlovable. I'm damaged. I'm less than. to yourself? Literally everyone who has abandoned/rejected me. Not bothered to really listen and then suggest a "fix" that has nothing to do with what I need.

think about how that voice their rejection of you was really an expression of their own issues.

The negative things that you believe about yourself are based on other negative beliefs that someone else passed onto you.

The next story you can tell yourself is the disconnection story.

Nothing in this section said anything useful, just "are you the one pushing people away?" I'm pushing people away by answering their questions about myself honestly and basically not knowing how to make "small talk" since I don't have anything in common with the people I meet. 

The fifth story is the mistrust story.

This also excuses all the neglect, abuse and rejection I've experienced and insists I find something I should trust about the people who have all abandoned me.

The last story is the failure story.

Your reaction to failure shapes your long-term outlook.

Yes, I am incredibly sensitive to rejection and abandonment and so far the only thing I've figured out is to give up hope, so I can accept and surrender to what is actually happening, instead of wishing things were different.

[Eireanne]

Today is such a hard day.  I've been having EFs all day long, since 9:15am ET which is where it started for me.  It just replays and feels like I can't breathe.  I figured I'd use it to my advantage and do some parts work, but everything feels like a jumble.  It's easier for me if I just go through the old journals than write about how I felt that day...I'm already feeling how I felt, I don't need to write about it too.


I'm disappointed that she basically diminished everything I have been feeling by implying she's been desperately concerned about me and she "finally" heard from me. She could have at any time tried calling me once since April. "Sorry you are having a rough time, let me know if you need anything" is right up there with "having a great time, wish you were here!" Aside from all the things I've directly asked her for since April. I'm just being selfish. And I'm tired of everything always being about me. Wah wah wah. Whatever. I am so tired of not knowing how to feel my feels and process them without a sounding board. Sorry.

It's funny to read that back now and see I know exactly how to feel my feelings, it's everyone else telling me I needed to feel them.
 Telling me how the feelings wheel worked. I'm like, I already know how to NAME them, what I can't name is this...sensory processing disorder/touch starvation sensations. Like fireworks under my skin and a burning feeling in my neck and ears.  The same feeling when K crushed me with his sociopathic tendencies.  How D crushed me with his gaslighting.  How everyone triggers it by invalidating me.  By telling me how I feel instead of listening to how I actually feel.  But because therapists and doctors and well meaning friends were all convincing me it was my fault, I bought into all of it and now I have to unlearn all of it, plus processing all the traumatic things I've experienced, plus undoing the damage my parents did to me. 


Ready to let go of jealousy (not getting my basic needs met), fear (not being able to get out of survival mode), guilt (accepting the blame for everything wrong, blaming myself and constantly being gaslit), grief (loss/abandonment/rejection), worthless (how I've been treated with both words and actions), not attractive, missed the best years of my life, and should have taken the time to appreciate it, but I'm doing it again....I need to enjoy the now.

Health pro asking the wrong questions

EDMR

Grief

I need to figure out how to sort out the talking points from the drama.  The drama makes it sound like I have ADHD and need to be medicated, or depressed, or something that I'm NOT instead of listening to what I AM so I can work THROUGH it we spend all our time wasted trying cognitive behavior therapy. 

It doesn't WORK,
So mad when I found out the therapist sneaked that in there
Took me a while to find out
Told me I would need years of therapy to even understand

KT notes
Acknowledge regulate choose not to put other people first
Put you first and know these people are adults
I take away their agency taking their choice away
Mental filtering
Try to look for evidence and consider
I'm deciding what is best for others
What is best for KJ because she's L's only backup but I'm taking the choice off her plate not giving her the chance to say no.
Because I don't know how to say no
I take away their agency by not allowing them to decide for themselves

So after that, I made sure to give everyone the choice to decide for themselves, and they all decided not to be my friend.  Even those that stay don't understand how to be my friend and haven't tried.  Which just means my definition of friend is not the same as theirs.


Letting go of labels – victim, narcissist, let go of "used to be" – used to have attention to detail, used to remember everything, spelling, grammar, should, letting go of reacting, trauma, PTSD, defensive, anger, fear, dysmorphic sense of self, gaslighting – perception, putting myself last (taking the time for self care, healing recharging – being there selflessly for others, not venting so much, journaling more, remembering the past and reframing it. Getting the tado list DONE).

I am not who I was, and not who I will be, I am on the path this time, on my journey to find and heal the broken parts and learning to be whole despite my fears

[Eireanne]

In psychiatry, when a person comes to you with a problem, it's not your job actually to solve their problem. It's your job to develop their capacity to solve their own problem.

I've always had a problem with this, I feel the world expects me to just "figure it out" and they don't understand I literally don't know how.

Pay attention to how often you hear yourself telling yourself your story. Whenever you catch yourself using your life story as a reason for something, say to yourself, "Cancel" or "Not helpful" or "Let that go".

I'm stuck on this, I have a need to have my story validated, so I think it's very helpful for me to tell my story, as it adds all the context everyone needs to understand why I respond to things the way I do.


This is what I told myself that manifested my current situation:

I'm trapped in my current way of thinking and I'm trying to do too much but getting trapped in the every day. I need a reset, a way to help boost my healing whether that be finding someone willing to be my sounding board and validate my broken past so it can stop being my story. I don't want this to be my story, but I need the resilience, healing and down time away from the things trapping me in the every day so I can start prioritizing the deep work needed to fully change the vibration I'm currently giving off. I'm attracting people to me that are attracting the broken parts and I want to do the work necessary to heal those parts so I can start attracting the right kind of people to my life, so I can have the experiences I have been craving my entire life, getting my basic needs met so I can finally start thriving. 

[Eireanne]

mindfulness practice - accepting both positive and negative emotions and letting different feelings coexist is a key component of resiliency.

[Eireanne]

We all fit into the place that we should fit into. If you are a circle then why try to fit in where a square is? All that you can be is you and the more that we try to please everyone else and try to make them understand who we are, the more that we are truly trying too hard. I would rather spend a large amount of time alone and waiting to meet someone who will understand and accept me on their own, then to spend time with fake people... People who have no idea who I am and can never really respect me. You should never try to fit into a square, yet be happy with being the circle that you are and before you know it there will be more circles around you and that will make you more happy than any square ever will...

This is something I forgot and need to remember again...except so many thoughts come up...

"a large amount of time" it's been 48 years...why do I fit with so few people that I feel like I've never been able to get my basic need met.  I've had to settle time and time again, believing people when they say that I just needed to lower my standards.  I re-read this thing I wrote, so many things I wrote...and D checked off 3 of the things I was looking for and was better than anything the universe had offered me, so I tried to have that be enough, I'm always saying, "it is enough" Dayenu...I should sink myself as small as low as I can to just find a place that will accept me. And all it's left me is alone.  Still.  So I need to read and re-read these things until when?

I'm not sure what will fill this need.