Profoundy Thoughts and Epiphanies

[Eireanne]

TRIGGER WARNING



Sometimes I try to record as much as I can with the intention to at some point go back to it and listen to myself.  There's just so much to go through.  Right now, I'm re-reading a trip I took to Europe and I recognized so many things.  I tend to summarize an experience to just one sentence.  Even though it was a largely magical trip (if you completely overlook the fact my opinion didn't count, I was being excluded, and I was with an abuser who beat me and threatened to kill me, but to talk of that time, people wouldn't...hold space for what actually happened, you can't just dump that on someone without their consent, so I keep it to myself and then I summarize the event by saying, "It was very unfortunate that what sounded like such a good idea, xmas in paris, turned out so bad. The weather was terrible, and everything was closed." I can hear in my writing how many times I tried to focus on the positive to really remember the best parts but I was so physically uncomfortable, sleep deprived, my opinion was overruled multiple times (but you have to go along to get along, amirite?)

I remember the trip in fragments, so it's nice to re-read this, I write as if I'm talking to someone, so it's like sitting down with myself and having a cup of coffee, just listening to me talk, and noticing things.  I talked about it with my therapist today, then we focused on generational trauma.  I thought of asking for a journal in the private section to write about things like this, but to keep it here is fine.

[Eireanne]

Generational Trauma - TRIGGER WARNING

My grandmother was a twin, and the way people described her was to say her fraternal twin was the good looking one.

Their mother was a tall stately woman and their father was, "very short, strange odd little man"

My grandmother was described (by my aunt, her daughter) as "not good looking. She didn't come out of her shell" (which is how people view me) she was so sick all the time, had meningitis is a child - rheumatic fever. My grandfather was described as: L fell in love with her, she was dating a cute boy who was going into the army, whereas L was home. She wanted him to go with her girlfriend.  He was good, nice, bought her presents, was very romantic and pursued her. She wasn't too happy in the beginning, she was in love with the army boy, but he  was nice, personable to the mother, had a good job. He was a quiet man but had a lot of character. L helped her girlfriend when she needed it. L said something like if you ever feel something, let me know I'll plan the wedding right away.

I feel like my grandmother resigned herself to marrying this man, or maybe grew to love him.  But he didn't talk, and my dad didn't talk.  And my mom felt invisible, they didn't communicate well with each other. 


I'm piecing together this is everything my aunt R told me about my family, but she's mostly talking sh*t about my mom's family and not really telling me much about my grandmother at all - which may just be she was a closed minded, neurotypical woman who was in denial and completely focused on material worth (and that's my judgement of her).  

So she's saying stuff about my aunt C (my mom's sister, whom she barely knows) as being very closed, never talked about her problems, saying the whole family was completely dysfunctional (mass amounts of dysfunction is how she worded it) that my mother's mother's sister's husband had a strong temper, and had problems controlling it.  

My mother's grandmother was from Austria - her parents died, they were orphans. Her sister and others hired themselves out to wealthy families as a nanny. She joined a travel/girls club to London on vacation, met grandfather - he was from Poland and they married had aunt R and then my mother's mother - 5 to 7 years and then had Aunt R - she was given task of babysitting and she had uncle H less than a year later - miscarriages between first to my grandmother was busy with baby and they neglected my grandmother...parsing this together when it's barely legible - I was a teenager being told something verbally and trying to write down as much as I could, then transcribed it years later and trying to make sense of it  now...





 

[Eireanne]

TRIGGER WARNING


There have been periods of time where I've been told I should "write a book" so I started to write out my life as if it were a book, so I'm just going to share bits of it to try to parse things out now...there's a lot of Anger and Drama voices in the things I wrote, and then I hear the voice that tells me it's performative and I'm just seeking attention, because I don't mean it to be so people "validate" me by saying, "oh what a horrible thing to have happened" I just want to be attuned to so Drama can say and then I can parse...writing it here is good, so I can really sort out what happened...

I was born on a cold, wet winter, (redacted). I don't remember much of my past. I grew up in an area of B on the border of B and C. I guess I was sheltered, I know I was abused. It's not my mother's fault. She never knew any different. I know different. I know why I am this way and I refuse to treat anyone like this. I see all the mistakes in hindsight. I was hit or things were thrown.

My mother's negative self image radiated off her and landed on me. I didn't want to go through life feeling, down, unwanted. I did not ask to be born, I did not choose it. Why am I here? I often ask myself. I am here to learn. To end the cycle. My life begins and ends with me. I will not take my own life. When I need to vent, you will be here to listen.

This is me, over and over being invalidated by people I tried to connect with, by being rejected and reminding myself I keep being too vulnerable, too open, too sensitive, too attention seeking, too negative (all the actions people show me to make me assume this is what's happening or being outright told, repeatedly) growing up being told I'm ugly and worthless and never given anything I can use to develop a sense of self esteem. I was never suicidal, but always felt cursed, like what did I do, or do in a past life to feel such overwhelming rejection from everyone my entire life - because when my mom looked at me, all she could see was the parts of my father she didn't like, and if she were really honest with herself (which I doubt she can be) she saw parts of herself she didn't like, so she tried to shame it out of me.  Or at least, that's how I felt.

My earliest memories are from public school, and my first taste of public humiliation. I have been working on scrapbooks, which would probably be the source of this upheaval of emotions and thoughts, and I look back at the pictures of me in my youth, not as myself, but of that of an outsider. Like she was my child, someone I held dear, but not myself. I remember my childhood in flashes, not as a whole, and it has made me realize something. My existence now, these very days, will be nothing more than a blip to me in years to come. What do I remember from my childhood?

Funny, because I never did work on those scrapbooks, I tried when I was with D a few years ago, and will try again as soon as I get to a stopping point in all these 'reading my journals' stuff.

I can remember before public school, to Nursery school, and Miss G, who I think I only truly remember due to the fact she was my younger brother's teacher as well. I remember arts and crafts projects we did, and being bit my JL. The teacher sprayed something on my arm, and called my mother downstairs (the nursery school was located in the lobby of my building). That was the first time I became aware of a strawberry birthmark on my upper right arm. It seems the teacher didn't notice it either, and thought it was caused by the bite. I remember my public school, and being happy. We had a good principal, Dr. D, and I had a wonderful teacher Miss G. My mother tells me she only taught us half a year. I also remember third grade, when Dr. D left, and SP took over, that was a dreadful time. All of the teachers left, save 3, and they scrambled to find a staff. He was a mean man, and he ruled the school like a tyrant. I remember no talking in the lunchrooms, and having your lunch money taken from you if you dropped it after they signaled for silence.

I remember DC trying to trade for a Grape Hi-C, because she said it tasted like wine. I remember being picked on and teased, although I will probably never know why they singled me out. I remember the humiliation of being punched, pinched, teased, and taunted, among other insufferable acts. I recall a day in 4th grade, staring at the clock, trying to figure out just when my brother was being born, and C, who flipped his eyelids inside out. Do I remember learning? Honestly, no, but I do know how to read. I was a voracious reader, opting to read over any other activity. I would attempt to hide books behind my books, to read during every lesson. I was tested as reading on an eighth grade level while in the fourth grade. Yet still, I was constantly abused by my tormentors. I withdrew, which wasn't difficult. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, and well, I didn't squeak. I was shorter, paler, quieter, slower, and less graceful than my classmates. But I could out read them, and out read them I did. During CLOZE tests, I out read all my peers, as if it were a race. I almost always finished first, if not beat by JC, who was not at all related to DC. He was also the shortest boy in the classroom.

I recall the teachers, year after year, and how they put needs improvement, or worse yet, unsatisfactory on my report cards under the heading of 'gets along with others', as if I were the one to blame for being picked on. I can still feel my anger and resentment for not being protected from the pain I felt every day in that four story building. Weren't you supposed to look up to adults for guidance and nurturing? I found out at an early age that this was not the case, sometimes, you just fell through the cracks. All the adults in my life were fed up at the all to frequent tears, and resignation to my fate. I was not a fighter, no siree, and it seemed I was a big disappointment to all. I don't recall every having a friend in school, not in my school anyway, although I did have two close friends outside of school.

[Eireanne]

The main document I started reading...there's only 2 pages left and the completionist in me wants to talk through it here, even though it brings up stuff I don't want to share in my journal, because I worry it'll make me be misunderstood, but I'm misunderstood anyway, plus this journal is primarily for me to process trauma, so I'm just going to go ahead and do it...

With the ever present TRIGGER WARNING....

In one of the other iterations of me being completely socially isolated, I spent all my time in an online chat room with other Pagan people. It's potentially where I learned I was Discordian.  I ended up making a bunch of friends, and meeting some of them IRL, and attempting a relationship with one that ended so badly I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and crushed...and felt like an empty shell for a long while after.

I put together a web page, and in it I say it replaces the previous webpage I had made 6 years prior - and that, "I no longer speak to any of the people that I did when I first built my website some 6 odd years ago."

A time when I was feeling invalidated and full of anger at being bullied, not heard, rejected by people I thought were my friends...using the website to tell my story, in my words, so people could see the "real" me and not the story they tell themselves about who I am, a story that once I realize that's how they see me, causes me to be so hurt, insecure, desperate for them to see me as I am that I reinforce their thoughts of me, because they don't listen to understand, they listen to confirm the bias they have of me, so they can justify that I'm in some way not being a good friend.  A good employee...a good daughter.

I'm told and re-told the story I make everything about me (well, I need to, I've never had a voice). 

Over and over I write in various ways things like, No more crying, saying, " I don't now how to do this...show me how

I get pissed off by my own limitations. I hate having to depend on people and hate even more when they let me down.

Because I'm invalidated so much by people when I ask them for help.  They want me to figure things out, like I need to learn how to be independent and they can't grasp the concept I have never had anyone to depend on, so they show me "tough love" that is really just extremely hurtful to someone that has never experienced other people really being there for them in hard times.  Or that I should just know to hire someone, and stop having so much "learned helplessness".  Society has so much wrong.

[Eireanne]

This is what I wrote earlier today, when I was prepping my trauma for therapy:

I am so often misinterpreted.  I need someone to understand the stories of my previous experiences so when they are experiencing something with me, know that for me it is possibly the first time, or that I'm trying to unlearn a previous experience. 

It's so important to me to re-write my story but I think I actually need to have a good experience for it to work.  And so many "advice" is based on "this is common sense" "this is something you should know", and I'm made to feel shamed. But HOW can know what the experience is, or if I'd like it if I've never had it?

But people assume and people take for granted and people don't listen to understand. I want to be understood, I want to be seen, I want to be heard, I want to not be invisible to everyone.

[Eireanne]

For a new beginning, by John O'Donohue



In out-of-the-way places of the heart,

Where your thoughts never think to wander,

This beginning has been gently forming,

Waiting until you were ready to emerge.



For a long time it has watched your desire,

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,

Noticing how you willed  yourself on,

Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.



I watched you play with the seduction of safety

And the gray promises that sameness whispered

Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,

Wondered, would you always live like this ?



Then the delight, when your courage kindled,

And out you stepped onto new ground,

Your eyes young again with energy and dream,

A path of plenitude opening before you.



Though your destination is not yet clear

You can trust the promise of this opening,

 Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning

That is one with your life's desire.



Awaken your spirit to adventure,

Hold nothing back. Learn to find ease in risk,

Soon you will home in a new rhythm,

For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

[Eireanne]

Letting go of M.

It's a new moon, and I read somewhere it's a good time to let go of things that no longer serve you, so I want to return any energy she gave me under the illusion that we were friends.

I can understand, the idea of having a friend who had lost everything, was barely surviving and doing everything she could to keep her head above water would make anyone feel "icky" it ruins the illusion you try to convince yourself that the world is a good place and D is a good guy. 

You rejecting and abandoning me when I had absolutely no other social support was the best thing you could have done for me.  Although, I think it's more accurate to say that deep down, you knowing you being a terrible friend to me was what made you feel icky, so you projected the issues you have with your mom onto me.  I forgive you that I was naïve and I believed you when you said your house was a safe space I could process the trauma and heal from the psychological torture that I had experienced.  Sorry if not wanting to do that in front of other people made me "weird".  Sorry you couldn't actually show up for me like a genuine friend when I needed one most.  You did me the biggest favor by teaching me exactly what a friend is NOT. 

I'm sorry that the thought of actually holding space for me, attuning to what I was saying and validating my experience made you feel icky.  I'm sorry that you felt defensive when I was kindly disinclined to take your advice when you clearly made a judgement about me without even communicating to me about it.  I bet your therapist confirmed your decision to abandon me after telling me your house was a safe space to process the trauma and abuse I had experienced, and was still experiencing to the point I was in survival mode and you were one of the extremely few people who even still spoke to me, I lost everything when D was abusing me.  Of course it would make you feel icky to turn me away, knowing I had no other social support, so you justified your decision by deciding for me what you assumed I...

Thank you for showing up for me in the least way possible.  Thank you for not only not being open to reading the four agreements with me, but for keeping my copy of the book.  Thank you for offering to help me use my hot glue gun – to finish the wreath I laid out for you (thanks also for just adding all my flowers to your own arts and crafts for other people to use, but not actually ever bringing up that you still had my wreath unfinished).  If you didn't feel comfortable assisting me after you offered, you should have been honest with me. 

Thanks too for taking my entire magnet project and I don't know, discarding it, along with all my hot glue guns.  It was fun sharing those memories of things that were so important to me and having you completely discard them, just like you did our friendship.  Thanks for not showing up for me when I asked if I could borrow your steam mop, which was the exact one that D took/broke.  It was great not having you to depend on in my isolation, when I was completely at my worst to know that you got a dog to fill your own needs, which I completely invalidate by the way, since you told me you didn't even want children, so you have your own manifesting issues to deal with, good luck with that, I hope that dog filled your every need. 

Thank you for overlooking my ideas to fill my needs, to dangle your friends, your social circle, your connections with me so I can feel more rejection and abandonment. 

Thank you for simplifying my abuse and relating it to your own because you now have J, so obviously I should just do what you did and expect the same results.  Thank you for showing me your own need to people please, and make me realize I do not want or need that. I don't understand your party favors or themes and all I wanted was to bond and connect, but you made clear I shouldn't hope for that with your circle of friends.  Thank you for being a friend I needed for a short period of time so I could learn what I don't want in a friend. 

Thank you for not understanding my food insecurity, for making me incredibly complicated dishes full of weird textures which may be YOUR love language, but definitely isn't mine.  Thank you for making me feel unwelcome in a place you said was safe.  Thanks for misinterpreting me working through my trauma and lifetime of abuse. Perhaps the ickiness you felt was me actually working through my issues instead of only focusing on my problems at a surface level.  Thanks for making me endure your ridiculous dieting and drinking problems, and for inviting me over mostly when you needed someone to watch your cat.  Thanks for not including me in the intimacy I wanted to feel, but instead only wanting to watch TV shows I wasn't interested in, thanks for not having deep conversations with me, and thanks for taking away the tradition that you said of us all opening the presents under the tree together, so I could feel less lonely.  Thanks for taking J's present and claiming it as your own, who the f cares anyway.  Thanks for giving me things I didn't want or need. 

[Eireanne]

I was beyond grateful, as K's penultimate act as my friend, he not only picked me up from surgery (they wouldn't have allowed me to have it, and I had no one else to ask). But when he realized I was going to spend my birthday alone, he invited me to come back, have him treat me to the dinner I was going to buy myself and to watch a movie with his son.  It was the last time I saw/spoke to them.

I told L I needed help and she told me everyone feels depressed and anxious (I feel neither, I am trying to process trauma while dealing with social isolation and I could really use some help) so she started sending me memes with invalidating phrases on them.  The filter I read them through is rejection/abandonment and it was really hurtful to be cast out like that.  When you were the only family I had.  When you were the only friends I had in C, so when I asked, hey, there's a new restaurant opening up and I'd really like to go, and you text me every time you are there, but don't think to invite me...it hurts. 

I don't know which way every way I reached out was interpreted, but I wasn't invited to their kid's birthday party, so it's clear that we are no longer friends.  And eventually I will put together a scrapbook of all 15 years of our friendship and let that go too. 

[Eireanne]

I'm part of a virtual community and every Friday they share their highs and lows.  A few weeks back I said I was no longer going to label the things that happen as either high or low, they just are, and today I was so looking forward to listing everything out and sharing it, but didn't feel I should share in the community...I've been reading too many things with invalidating words "complaining" "Trauma Dumping" "Cry for help" "Attention Seeking" that I just don't know if I'm even allowed to share my thoughts with people without them labeling me as negative, depressed, needy....even the stuff in psychology today is invalidating, nothing is filtered through a "hey, social isolation isn't actually your fault - people just SUCK" so I'm posting them here, for me:


- started the week with a lot of physical pain, so I ended up spending 3 days in bed (shoutout to privilege) so the irony that it was on my calendar to do absolutely nothing that day...my body just took it a bit too literally, LOL

- Used that time (and that day) to really try to let go of all the loss I keep experiencing. and read through all of my journals and journal about them (how Meta).

- So much serendipity, over and over is completely unbalancing, literally...there's such a correlation...There have been so many direct links between my physical sensations from my emotional flashbacks, and my physical symptoms - no wonder I have sensory processing disorder.  Now at least I have words for what I'm feeling (yay research!)

- I've been manifesting way too much recently...today's bit of magic - I had plans to have a neighbor come over and help me make a recipe (I haven't been able to cook for myself in a few months - no spoons) but I woke up with a headache and was struggling to find the energy to get up and prep the food (but I literally was going to do it as soon as the pain meds kicked in) and she texted and asked if we could postpone. WOO HOO. 

- A friend that I've had since one of the OTHER layers of social isolation called me today and we talked like people do.  I haven't made small talk in a really long time, so that took a lot of spoons but at the same time...gave them back? haha. 

- Yesterday's new moon was perfect timing for letting go of things that no longer serve you, so I've been writing letters and confirming addresses to send people that used to be my friends things...which aligned perfectly with letting go of all the loss(yay closure!)

- Since I'm getting packages together, I'm also taking the opportunity to send out fun things as well...the only problem is getting my body to cooperate with the idea of spending more time finishing projects, and less time feeling crappy.  Regardless, I'm using all this downtime to do all the fun trauma processing - so so so much stuff coming up, it's really fascinating.

[Eireanne]

There's a letter I've been trying to write for 3 years, and since I woke up with a headache (and I attempted to read through it before bed), instead of cleaning I'm going to see how far I can get on this letter, pulling out the parts of it that are Drama/venting and do not need to be in there. There may be triggers in here for some.

I had so much unprocessed relational trauma that it took me this long to be able to understand it enough to even put it into words. 

I have been chronically isolated since childhood I've had CPTSD from relational trauma that goes as far back as I can remember. I have never felt a sense of belonging blah blah blah but I didn't even know what I didn't know because that's all I had ever experienced.
In these moments of dark despair, when I crave for just one person who would help me share this burden, I think of you.  I think of how fiercely you advocated for M.  How you lovingly taught your children compassion and empathy and how you had the intelligence to verbally run circles around others....I wish in these moments for a fraction of of what you possess, because I truly don't know how I'm going to survive this.  I remind myself that I've survived 100% of my days so far, but I can't see a way out and I'm so scared and alone.

I fully embrace the mindset of understanding how to let people grieve.  This time is about them and their challenges.  But more importantly was the thought that there was absolutely NOTHING to grieve yet about M.  He wasn't gone YET.  I thought back to the time last summer when we drove out to "say goodbye to M...end of life papers...I kept repeating the word in my head Imminent' and then the big Psych! He's gonna stick around for a while longer.  From that moment, something in me was triggered.  I suddenly had this clarity that every breath he took after that, every time you were able to have one more happy memory with him, one more milestone, it was a gift.

I sometimes wish I had been allowed more time to build a connection with you, that we could have developed a friendship where I could ask you to hold space for me.  When I try to remember what human touch feels like, I close my eyes and remember the way you hugged me via the shower curtain during the pandemic.  I so do miss feeling that loved.  I could feel the love any time I was in your house, and my inner child aches for you, because I never experienced that.  She cries out how she just needs a mom....I cry that I just need an advocate.  You are everything I need right now and I wish there was a way I could tell you that....a way I could have you understand.  Then I remember our first meeting....when the girls asked where A was, and I knew in that moment that was all I was...so I didn't write.  I kept waiting until I was out of survival mode, when I didn't feel such an ache of scarcity.  When I was finally getting my basic needs met. 

I want to share the good with you, How your holiday newsletter updates inspire me when I work on my own newsletter, which is what I had been focusing on, and still may eventually send out (Christmas in July) but that you continually inspire me with the loving way in which you turn even the darkest tragedy into an opportunity to change your perspective and try to focus on the good, even though depression is so challenging to tune out some days.  When I have days where I feel I can't go on, I think of you, and channel my inner L...I wished so much to get an opportunity to connect with you and forge a deep and meaningful friendship with you.  I genuinely wanted to be part of your tribe, not just as someone I can go to for advice, not just as an attachment to D, but me, in my own right.  There are times I feel...

how much I've missed you.  Whenever the missing gets too bad, I can close my eyes and savor the memory of seeing you and able to hug you through the shower curtain, I didn't want to let go, it felt so good to be held after so many months feeling isolated...Every time I really wished I could just get in the car and drive straight to you, but I felt it wasn't my place, so I gave you the space you needed to spend as much time surrounded by your loved ones where you wouldn't have to feel as if you needed to be hostess.  So let me tell you what I did.

I have such a story to tell you, I hope you've got time to sit back and spend this time with me, it may take a while.  I'm not sure if you remember my birthday wish to M,  I spent so long worried I would just be an imposition...


Seeing you with M and how strongly you advocated for him is what I desperately needed and I didn't even have the words for because all I knew was I needed a mom. And I saw that and you as well and how you were raising your beautiful daughters. And I was so resentful D kept us apart, when I desperately needed to have an intimate relationship with you, on so many levels. Because I have had to be the one to advocate for myself my entire life there is never been one person in my actual life that will help me advocate or give me a sense of social connection so I don't have the sense that I'm going through everything alone. But I couldn't reach out to you because I was just The girl that was not A.

Everywhere I went, he paraded me around and I didn't understand, because I have never even been in a relationship before I didn't understand that that was an intimacy, until I saw you and your relationships and your friendships and I craved it so badly but I couldn't understand how to get it because I have never been in a healthy relationship before so I didn't know what it look like, and all I wanted to do is spend more time with you and then I realize that this is the ramblings of my inner child.

I have reached out to every single person I know that I thought what is my inner circle, I didn't have one during the pandemic at all, every single person I know I was going through something horrific and I had space for all of them but none of them hold space for me they've all moved on and healed and gotten better with the support of their bubbles and I haven't had one in my whole life the closest I ever came what is the periphery being allowed to come to some of your parties I needed I needed that so badly I needed a sense of connection with anyone and then I didn't know how to get it and nobody ever realized that I had never even experienced it all I did was kind of experience it through other people I always feel like a little match girl I've never not felt like that and every time I get close people just stop talking to me and I don't understand why

The words, the vocabulary, how do you know exactly the right thing to say I need but I have no I can advocate because I can't form thoughts anymore I've been trapped inside my head for so long but I don't know what to do
But I don't know how to separate out sorting through my trauma without bringing up D. And I don't want to do or say anything to change the way you view him. I understand that he is a big part of your life, and your kids, and our relationship really didn't amount to much more then me not being A.

That's just it, I wanted so badly to be able to connect with you I tried so many times and there was always so much going on, just needed you so bad but I felt horribly selfish for even thinking it with everything you were going through and continue to go through so who was I to ask you for help.

It brought into stark contrast what has been lacking in my life and what I didn't want my life to continue to be that way anymore I just can't seem to get out of it

So D says it's all my fault and I make everything awkward and this is why no one likes me. 

I know I'm probably the last person you expected to hear from.

I was abiding by D's rule – I wasn't allowed to communicate with his friends or family, which I largely ignored when it came to his aunt and his cousin, but they aren't really my friends and his Aunt stopped talking to me. 

Met with such opposition, how can you not talk to your family?? Family is the most important thing, even D would push on how important his family was, only I never felt like I was a part of their family and I would tell him, I'd say, "I'm just the for right now girl, Like how the kids were like "where's aunt A? Then there was aunt EA, now there's...really not sure which one he's leaning towards at the moment, or possibly he found a completely new one by now...he's "living his best life" and "focusing on his needs"  It makes me think that something inside him snapped, or...

I just thought that was a relationship, you stay with someone willing to put up with you that you can put up with, and then complain about them to your friends.  My mom would always complain about my dad, K always complains about J, it's a thing, and then I saw your relationship, m's and j's, l and m, j and B...and I saw these kinds of relationships DO exist, and I cry because I don't know if that kind of love actually exists or if I just see it like that because I don't see what happens behind closed doors.

Every time I tried to put into words everything I want to express to you, it started to devolve into being too much about ME, and I felt horrible shame at even considering my grief was valid compared to your loss...but since you were also a part of my own loss, I just kept changing my mind about reaching out to you.  When you sent me an invite, it must have been forever ago – please forgive me, I cannot understand linear time...I was thinking something happened just the other day, and it turned out it was May 3rd.  I didn't realize so many years have gone by, because I've been stuck in a loop caused by trauma...unfortunately, I can't think of a year of my life when there hasn't been some sort of traumatic occurrence to further shatter my ability to heal. 

I'm fighting back now though.  You taught me that.  I always thought doctors were the experts, and you had to listen to them.  Do what they said without questioning.  Your updates informed me, it made me realize that I was hiring these professionals to do a service, and if they weren't providing me the service I needed then I could go elsewhere...I'm learning to advocate for myself.  I'm learning I am allowed to put myself first and not keep trying to be what everyone else is telling me I have to be.  That I'm allowed to have thoughts and opinions, and I deserve to be acknowledged, respected, and truly being seen and heard, valued, appreciated...I saw the way you taught your children those things, through both your words and actions and I envied how easy it was for words to come to you...I hoped I would be able to have you listen to my feelings and emotions and have you put them into words for me, because that is your gift.  As I was saying, I saw the invite as well as the guest list and realized I wouldn't be safe if I attended. 

I think my subconscious fought to keep me unaware of the depth of the abuse because I knew how much I'd be losing when I was finally able to get away from him.  With him went all my hopes and dreams of a life with other people.  Without him, I went back to utter isolation, even the friends I made before I met him sided with him and invalidated my experience.  So I haven't really ever had anyone to sit down and really hear what I went through with him.  But you my friend are definitely not that person. 

The hardest part for me is that everything I read, every resource, every person I spoke to told me the same thing – find someone to talk to.  Only, there was no one.  Everyone I talked to invalidated what I was experiencing and I was misdiagnosed so many times and being gaslit constantly put a strain on my mental health, which I couldn't attend to because I've been in survival mode.

To even consider comparing my challenges to yours, my brain echoing the voices of the things that have been said to me throughout the years, that I'm exaggerating, I'm making a big deal over nothing, I just need attention, I am a magnet for drama...

I crave being in the company of someone I can truly be myself with, that allows me the grace to feel seen and heard...I think that would be so energizing. I also think I need to learn how to be that person for myself, so that I can resonate at a higher frequency and attract those kinds of people to my life.

Now that I have that information, I understand this is the way I want to be treated, and I won't settle for less, which further isolates me.  So I recognize I probably will spend the rest of my days like this, and should spend what is left of my energy befriending all the parts of myself that were never allowed a voice.  Since it's only me listening to them, it doesn't matter if I don't have the words, it's only when I don't know the answers that it's especially difficult.  It would be so nice to get someone else's perspective or have the shared knowledge of a tribe.  But that just goes back to you, so much has been linked to you, and so I just wanted to thank you. 

I don't want you to think you need to read this because you happened to receive it at this moment.  If now is not the right time, please put this letter away and wait until a time when you can sit down, grab a mug of tea, and settle back reading this as if we were finally able to sit around and have a conversation.  I can wait.  After all, you waited over a year for me to write it.  I have started and stopped countless letters to you.  Over and over, I've tried to put into words...how to semantically select what it is I want to say, how I want to say it so that what I want to share with you is clear – which is something I struggle with. 

In some versions, the letters were similar to your end of year newsletters, a snapshot of accomplishments and a "where we are now and what we are working on" type things – I have a place to live, my basic needs are all met, I am still gainfully employed (1 year 10 months and counting – the longest I've ever held down a job since I left teaching) and I'm doing all the hard work to learn how to heal from my past trauma and abuse.  Woo hoo, go me...painting this picture of this well-adjusted adult who has a good handle on everything, no worries!

Sometimes I write letters that my PTSD/depression/anxiety/aching loneliness leeches into, and then I'm disgusted with myself and delete the whole thing, vowing to try writing you again, "when I'm in a better mood".  But to be honest, I haven't been able to handle this whole work/life balance thing, and haven't been doing all that well this past year in the vein of self-care.  I wake up, start work, work until I can't even see straight anymore, and go to bed.

I took today off just to be able to go to the grocery store, and run some long put off errands and to finally carve out some time to research doctors and start making appointments.  If nothing else, you have taught me that having access to health care is SO important, and while I've been spending all my down time (what little of it there is) focused on my mental health, I haven't had the capacity to do what is necessary to be an advocate for myself where my physical health is concerned. 

Another reason why I procrastinated in writing - I'm intimidated.  You're so good with words, whereas I tend to misspeak often, and it takes me a long time to sort out what the root of what I'm trying to say is.  You're really good at prioritizing a message, and getting the point across in as little words as possible, whereas I tend to ramble, because my neuro-diverse brain doesn't understand where the priority is, and to it, everything is a priority.  What's right in front of me at this very moment is the priority, as is every other thing that I have on my plate...squirrel! Semantics are so important.  I've always admired your ability to be well spoken and it's something I carry around real shame about not being able to do the same for myself.  But I digress.

This is so hard for me to share with you, and each time I tried, I put it off, I let the inner gremlins of, "why on earth would this woman care about your feelings, she was just kind to you because you were in a relationship with one of her friends, you only saw her what, maybe 4 times in 6 years? She is surrounded by family, and her inner circle of friends, you weren't anything to her but someone to extend her kindness towards as a hostess.  Because that's the reality of it, with all of my relationships.  I want so much, I feel so much, but the people I want and feel towards already HAVE their own inner circles and perhaps I am not as important to them as they are to me.  So I have to temper my neediness and push down my own needs to be loved, to be wanted, to be accepted.  People that have had that throughout their lives cannot fathom what it is like to have never experienced it.  I still walk a fine line between desperately wanting to not be alone and not smothering those around me with how needy I am.  The pandemic took care of all of that, because reaching out to others no longer became an option.  So while my heart went out to you and I repeatedly let you know that I was here if you needed me, I saw you had your village.  Not that it made it any easier, just that I knew my presence wouldn't have made much of a difference, because at the end of the day, I really don't have a lot to offer someone else, when I have so little of my own needs met, it's really hard for me to see outside of my own pain. 

Also I realize even in writing this how incredibly selfish I am being, telling you about my pain, my struggles, my loneliness when I empathize that you are going through all of this and so much more.  Like it's valid for you to be dealing with trauma, depression, anxiety because you actually had multiple traumatic things happen to you this past year, whereas mine are shallow in comparison. It's not the trauma Olympics

I've saved and re-read your emails often over the past year and time and time again I wish I could reach through the computer and just give you a hug.  I know however that you were (and probably are) surrounded by love and support...even though I send you loving and healing energy often. 

I didn't have a good dad.  I didn't know he wasn't a good dad, I just knew he was MY dad, and he's the dad I got so there was no use thinking about the kind of dad I wanted.  But then I saw your dad.  I saw not just that there exists a different sort of dad, an involved dad who genuinely wants to be part of their child's life, not in an obligatory "what do you need signed?" What obligation do I need to fulfill? But I also saw the kind of husband I didn't know could exist...one that genuinely treated his significant other as just that, significant...a partner.  I'm so sorry, it tears me up to think about the impact you and M had on my life.  I wish to god I was able to express that to you sooner.  That I had finally recognized my years of abuse, and trauma and neglect and anxiety and depression were just that, and I could choose not to let those things control me any more.  That I didn't have to stay in an abusive relationship - that there were actually other options.  That I didn't just have to wish I could be a certain way, act a certain way, respond a certain way...that I could actually become the person I wanted to be in my own head...I could actually embrace my authentic self .  I did the best I could at trying to express that in my birthday video, but I'm not sure I was able to truly express the extent to which I meant, I am still working on exactly how the past year has been for me...Which is basically like my own personal trauma unfolding, coming to light, being realized for what it was compounded by the trauma that was affecting us all on a global scale...Not that I'm even trying to for a moment compare the losses we've both suffered through this year, it isn't a competition of who lost the most, but loss recognizes lost even though each person goes through loss in their own unique way, it's still a shared grief at the loss that has been endured.  Much like 9/11 was a shared tragedy, we are now living through a life altering experience on a global scale.  Wow, if that isn't a lot to unpack. 

[Eireanne]

More from the letter I'm still trying to write

This is as much to M as it is to you, and it's something I've been wanting to share with you both for months.  It takes me so long to get my thoughts together, I'm still not sure they are "right" in the sense that I'm fully expressing what I intend to communicate.   I'm not sure I could ever convey how deep of an impact you've both had on my life.  To see the love you have for each other, the strength you continuously give to each other, how you are truly partners, and make no illusions on the fact that it was and continues to be a work in progress, that it took two people that wanted to be partners, that received energy from each other in both good times and challenges you gave each other the strength to face them together. 

When I talked to J and she let me know that she had problems with B, and things didn't start to get better until B took to heart the work that M put into his relationship with you...I knew that was what I wanted and I was going to stop letting my past abuse continue to get in the way of getting that, because that was what I deserved.  It was like a switch was flipped, and everything around me was different, I saw things clearly for the first time in I don't know how long, and I realized I wasn't going to be able to get the changes I wanted in the life I currently had.  I needed to change.  I needed to learn what it was I actually wanted, and once I started realizing that so many things started clicking into place for me.  Each day I would have a breakthrough and I would be so excited, it was like finding a missing piece to a puzzle you long gave up on finishing...more and more things started to fit into place, and as that happened, suddenly things I thought were supposed to be suddenly seemed....wrong. 

Again, I realized that I couldn't control anything but myself, and focus on me and the things I could control and trust once I maintained that, things would fall into place.  It was hard, and a lot of work.  I was faced with so many challenges during this time, things that previously would cause me to give up any attempt to change, things were much safer with the devil I knew, and change was hard....but that didn't happen this time.  I was determined that this time I was going to fix the broken parts, do the deep dive, find the source of my trauma and face it. 

And in that moment I realized I didn't want to waste any more of my life being afraid to be myself around people and not have so much anxiety around me saying or doing the wrong thing and all of a sudden, so many things made sense.  Once I saw them, I couldn't unsee them, and I realized I wasn't satisfied with what I was being asked to put up with.  I knew the person I wanted to be, I knew the life I wanted to live and I knew that the road to getting there would be hard, and I would need support.  I would need my village. 

I had many long conversations with J, and in such one, she told me a story about how things were going very badly with her and B, but B spent time with M, and learned from example of how to be a better partner.  She said their relationship got exponentially better after that.  I had been saying for years what I wanted in a partner, and I didn't realize that if you ask for it, and you're not getting it, it ISN"T YOU.  You don't need to waste your time and energy trying to think of new and inventive ways to try to get what you want, asking for the bare minimum...you can leave and find what you want elsewhere.  I wanted what you and M had, and there was NO way I was going to grieve a moment before it was absolutely necessary.  I not only was not going to come to you and make it about the loss *I* feel, my loss is a drop in the ocean compared to yours, and I need for you to understand I pushed down my feelings of loss.  With every picture you posted, I thought of all the memories you all were filing away, each day a blessing and I refused to be sad.  I knew there was going to be time for that later. 

I thought back to every moment I didn't let my anxiety get in the way of the person I wanted to be.  I truly meant his birthday wish to M, and although I know I still have a ways to go in my healing journey, I need for you to know that I owe it all to M, he made such an incredible impact on my life, and I'm not sure how to express that to you, because again, it wasn't about ME. 


There was a post on J's Facebook that said something along the lines of If I'm friends with your abuser, PM me and that will change.  And I am stopped by the knowledge that J and D have been best friends since grade school.  And he's "Uncle D" to everyone, he's part of your inner circle.  As much as I know you are not the type of person to blindly believe one person's side of the story in a breakup, I am so conflicted. 

I would need you to think of me as a person in my own right, and not just as an extension of D.  I was in an abusive relationship.  I'm not sure if we ever talked about that, but you were at my dad's memorial, so much has happened since then. 

Belonging, connected, desired, cherished these are concepts I've never experienced. Just saying the words open up a wound in me that hurts so bad I need it to stop and I reached out and I get nothing and it's so empty I never had the modeled for me I would see it when I would go out and it would make me sad because that's what I wanted I just I wanted and I didn't know how to get that for myself

I saw you have that partnership with M, and for the first time I realized there were people out there that offer freely to others love, companionship, advocacy, to be fully seen and accepted, flaws and all.  And I understood it was all hard work, every relationship is...I can't jump into a friendship and bare my soul to a casual acquaintance, it takes working through the layers to get to that level of intimacy.  Each time we would come over your house I would see the connection you had with your guests, and I wanted so much to be a part of that, but didn't know how...it's so complicated, and I hoped for an opportunity, but it didn't come.
 
The video I sent M, that you compiled while he was in the hospital? I was feeling all of those things then, which is why I teared up, you meant so much to me and I didn't know how to express that to you – the timing just never seemed right.  I grieve over the window that I had to feel that kind of love for myself, but I'm content to know that for a brief window of time I was exposed to it, so I know it exists. 

[Eireanne]

I just remember how socially isolated I was back then.  How I tried so hard to make friends and have a social life.  How hard it is to make small talk when you're in survival mode and you have no ability to make small talk. How everyone misunderstands everything I say. 

Now I'm just learning how to embrace the social isolation.  It's all I've ever known really. 

Allegedly, it makes us better/stronger, with increased emotional intelligence, ability to...

The question isn't what are the stories I told myself, it is, what is the story your mother told you? Your aunts, your cousins, You were unwanted, repeatedly.  Over and over, a pattern I'm trying to break, but can't seem to understand how.  Reading so many invalidating things like anxious preoccupied which doesn't take into consideration survival mode. 

I've always been overwhelmed by emotions and events in my life because I've never experienced support.  I was just rejected, over and over again.  I try to imagine what the concept of love is, but all I can come up with is seeing it.  Seeing it all around me.  But growing up, I knew my mother said she loved me out of obligation, mother's are supposed to say that.  Their actions on the other hand, those tell you how she really feels about you.  A disappointment.  A guinea pig.  A failure.  Worthless.  Just like your father.  No explanation of genetics ever managed to get through to her.  No explaining to her now that she modeled the behavior I grew to become because that's how I learn, through modeling.  I picked people I thought had what I wanted as a model, and they rejected me as well. 

Mom,

I hope S was right and you were able to enjoy your life once you didn't have me to worry about any more.  I hope D gave you everything you wanted in a child, I know I was always such a disappointment to you, and now that daddy isn't around to make you miserable you are truly living your best life.  You deserve every happiness, I'm so sorry you didn't experience it sooner and decided to imprint me with that misery.  Saddling me with all this generational trauma to heal. 

I keep on going through my memories. And each life experience was overshadowed by a traumatic event so that all I remember is the traumatic event and it cancels out any good that there might have been.

[Eireanne]

I attempted to talk to myself and create a transcript so I can then "listen" to myself because I haven't had anyone else to talk to that will give me the feedback I've needed to hear.  Every time I try, I hear what I've been TOLD instead of what I wish was being said, and I understand I need to do it for myself. This is from March:

21:26:50 So I have a thought, and I think oh, I should record this so!
21:26:54 By the time I.
21:26:59 Hmm!
21:27:06 By the time I get all of this setup I've already forgotten what the thought is. I'm like.
21:27:11 Well, what's the solution for that? Writing it down and then opening it up because like the thoughts, don't stop.
21:27:16 So it's like the ones that I don't get a chance to record right?
21:27:22 They're gone and then I don't know what to do, and they literally just had the thought 3 s ago, like, Okay, I'm exaggerating.
21:27:30 Not 3 s, but 30 s, like literally 30 s ago. I can't keep a thought in my head.
21:27:36 And that's a concern.
21:27:39 I can't get through the day. I can't sit through a meeting and be able to take notes, because I don't have the ability to focus my attention on anything outside of my own head right now.
21:27:52 And I feel it wouldn't be that bad if I had somebody to talk to.
21:27:56 But I don't. And then I start feeling bad that I don't.
21:28:02 And I don't know how to make friends right now, when I can't get outside my own f-ing head, just to show up for somebody else.
21:28:09 I don't even know how to show up for anyone anymore.
21:28:15 I called my friend, and I told her, and I thought her reaction would be, I don't know to check in on me every day, to text me every day to check in.
21:28:23 I keep on doing that for everyone else. I want anyone check in on me.
21:28:32 I wanna be able to feel my feelings. I wanna be able to feel bad.
21:28:35 I wanna be able to tell people. I feel bad. I want to be able to tell people I feel bad.
21:28:39 I want to stop feeling bad.
21:28:46 Hello! No. How to stop feeling bad. If I can't get my thoughts out of my own head coherent enough to do the f-ing work, cause it's taking too long.
21:29:00 Everything is taking too long, and I don't have any more time.
21:29:07 Why couldn't I have taken leave 6 months ago, when I wasn't this bad?
21:29:11 Why? Why?
21:29:56 Everyone I know is letting me down.
21:30:00 Because it'll be something simple like not understanding health insurance.
21:30:05 So when I realize I might be in crisis, like actual crisis, like impatient want to behave like crisis. And I call up a treatment center.
21:30:14 And I'm really iffy about their treatment in the first place, and I call up, and I ask them how much it is and they tell me it's $5,000 a week well, I can't afford that and I was like maybe I can, because I don't really understand how my insurance works.
21:30:26 Can I ask? I can ask, but I already asked N, and she had said she would take the time to explain to me health insurance, so that when it was time to choose the health insurance she would help me figure it out, and I even let her know and I said hey,
21:30:36 It's coming up. Can you be there for me? Can you help me?
21:30:40 Can you talk it through? And she didn't answer, and again I reached out to her, and I told her, I'm in crisis.
21:30:47 I can't even anymore. I can't do the simplest things anymore.
21:30:51 I really think I need help. I really need you to step up and be a mom and help me advocate.
21:30:56 And she just listened, and then she told me to tell the doctor that I had this thing that I don't even have, because it wasn't for her mom and I'm like, well, thanks, N, you know, and I called A, and I told him, and he said well, I'll make sure you go, to
21:31:10 your therapist like. No, it's not even the help I need why can't you guys just give me the help that I need? The *?
21:31:21 I need help to get things done like I don't understand why people can't hear me.
21:31:28 Can I get mad? I get sad, and I get scared.
21:31:36 And then all my core wounds are triggered, all at the same time.
21:31:41 And I just feel like I have this open wound. It hurts so bad that I just wanna wear my robe and stay in bed.
21:31:56 And I just hold my phone. And I think, why, who can I?
21:32:02 Just text and say something to just to get over there and then they don't. Or if they do, it's because they're dealing with their own f-ing crisises, and I don't have that
21:32:13 Many people do choose from. The first place, and then I get mad.
21:32:18 Emily's dog has a f-ing. GoFundMe, and she has tens of thousands of dollars because everybody f-ing loves her.
21:32:26 And why doesn't anyone love me like that?
21:32:30 But isn't anybody love me enough to just call, oh, come over and hold me!
21:32:40 Hi! Wouldn't my mom just hold me?
21:32:44 They just need to be held.
21:34:36 I don't feel really good.
21:34:40 About.
21:34:43 Hello! Therapy session. What? Because I wrote down everything I needed to tell you.
21:34:50 And then I felt that I needed to bullet point it, only I don't know how to bulletpoint it, because it's not a communication style.
21:34:58 And instead of trying, I started not working on it.
21:35:04 This is too much.
21:35:08 And then I just assumed that I'm doing all of this work.
21:35:12 And there was gonna be some sort of intake, and then there wasn't.
21:35:14 And then I was just rambling, and I need to express to you that even though you're like accepting that, that's the way therapy goes.
21:35:24 And I could have just said, based on previous experience.
21:35:32 I feel as well. I've been.
21:35:37 Misdiagnosed a lot.
21:35:41 Here are the reasons why.
21:35:45 But each reason brings up another story, and then I get so bogged down in telling you stories that I waste all of this time and wasting time is the biggest fear that I have right now, because there's nothing I can do but waste time.
21:36:03 I can't work on a resume right now. I don't.
21:36:06 I don't have the tools that I need to do anything more than get out of bed.
21:36:11 And even that has its own risks, and I could have just said that, and we could have started from there, and I could have told you about my childhood, or I could have read you the f-ing thing, and I'm like, well, I'm not paying.
21:36:25 You to have me read to you. And I get so confused about what we should be focusing on because we need to focus because I need to focus because I don't have focus because I don't have focus because I start rambling.
21:36:42 So this time I'm laying out f-ing bullet points and we're sticking to them, and I will tell you all of the stuff that it brings up, and we will write them down and go back to them another time, and that's the how we should we should be efficient because I don't have enough.
21:36:55 Time, because we have to get me from this point to being able to talk about what happened at work and using the right words.
21:37:06 And right now I don't have the right words, and I'm not going to get the right words by journaling and talking about my feelings.
21:37:11 I have to get to how to say certain things in order to get to how to stay them.
21:37:17 I have to talk about how they started.
21:37:20 So that I have the tools that I need, because I need the words.
21:37:26 And then I'll explain to you what happened with C, and I'll explain to you how I shut down, and I'll explain to you that I keep on shutting down with everything, and it's too much for me right now, and I can't go back to work and I don't know what to do because
21:37:39 I don't understand health insurance, and I don't understand where the money is coming from.
21:37:44 And I don't understand what's gonna happen if I run out of time before I feel better.

[Eireanne]

And this earlier one from February - I don't think it's as helpful to read the transcript because there's so many talk to text errors, but when I talk to another person, I'm not getting the feedback I really need and I'm not really hearing what it is I'm trying to say, so I have to keep working through things until I find a format that is more effective...I still don't want to lose anything, so I'm leaving this here:

21:10:39 A, and I think about what I wanna say. And then I think I'm over thinking because there's so many things I wanna say that I just are writing him emails.
21:10:47 And then I don't send them, because I don't wanna bother him, and I know he's got his own s**t going on so I'm like, Okay, well, I'm not gonna bother, A.
21:10:59 Who else can I bother? And that's literally how I frame it like.
21:11:00 Who can I bother? Because that's how I view myself as a bother.
21:11:04 I'm just a bother, because if I wasn't a bother then people would want to be around me.
21:11:09 My phone would ring. People would text me. People would check on me.
21:11:12 People would want to spend time with me, but they don't. Nobody does.
21:11:17 And people keep on reminding me of how great my friends are, but I'm literally calling them and I'm telling them, Hi! I'm increased.
21:11:22 Right now. And I really need someone to talk to. And they're they just don't get it.
21:11:29 They don't get it. Nobody gets it, and I know it's like, Okay, well, let me explain
21:11:33 It then, and then I realize I should just start at the beginning and start with my parents and start with explaining to you what growing up for me was like, or what it was like when my brother came and what it was like with school, and what it was like at home and what it was like with my friends and what it was
21:11:54 like with my friends, and what it was like when I moved to N, and what it was like when I had depression, and how, my mom said, Are you just planning on being miserable like, how long are you planning on being miserable like how long are you planning on being
21:12:03 miserable like. It was something I was just doing. I couldn't she say, I realize something is wrong I realize you're not eating.
21:12:10 I realize that you can't get out of bed. I need.
21:12:12 I'm not equipped to handle this. Let me get you the help you need.
21:12:16 Let's do it together. That's what I needed to hear.
21:12:22 That's what I still need to hear, and nobody hears that, because they all just think I could figure this out on my own, and I'm not figuring out anything, because nothing is making sense to me, I read things and I don't understand them and I get phone calls.
21:12:39 And I'm stared because I don't understand what they're saying.
21:12:43 And it's not that they don't understand English.
21:12:45 I understand all the words. I just don't know what the words mean, and I get trust, and then I don't know how to articulate how I'm feeling.
21:12:54 And then I get panicked, and you can hear the panic in my voice because I don't know what to do, and I don't know what to say, and it happens at work all the time.
21:13:03 And it happens because I ask for.
21:13:07 C's. See, I it took me that long to figure out what her f-ing name was.
21:13:13 Like I blank out on things. Things are missing, things that I used to just know.
21:13:20 And then I worry that I have Alzheimer's, and I think, how am I supposed to know? I I it is another doctor that I have to figure out how to make an appointment with, and I got I'm so * up?
21:13:41 And all of this started because I'm trying to tell you one story.
21:13:46 And then I realized, there's all these stories I have to go back and now tell you so.
21:13:51 You understand? Because it's so important for me that you understand, because I just need to be heard.
21:13:58 And then, I wonder, are these the things I'm supposed to journal about until I just figure it out.
21:14:03 I don't know. I don't know what the right answer is, all I know is, I keep on trying to journal, and it's not working.
21:14:09 So now I'm trying this, but I don't know if this is gonna work, either.
21:14:14 I really I can't figure it out like I don't know if I'm supposed to stop now and read back and say, Oh, yeah, the Catherine's story or if that's a story, should we to talk to you about and like maybe these are the bullet?
21:14:27 Points. I don't know. I just. I know I was supposed to be watching a movie.
21:14:31 And I know the first thing I said to myself was that I have to start taking notes before I get too far into it.
21:14:37 So why don't I just pivot and do that?
21:14:40 Because that's what I said I was gonna do and I think I'm already too far into the movie.
21:14:44 So let me take a bite.
21:15:38 Okay, see, I get distracted.
21:15:42 Distracted, because now I text Adam, and he's not texting back, and I knew I should have waited but I don't know how to wait I don't have anyone ask.
21:15:52 Should I have waited I just want to do it feels good, and I don't know if it's okay or not.
21:15:57 And then I worry, worry about everything.
21:16:09 I don't see how I cannot worry.
21:16:12 Everything I do is drastic consequences. I should have worried that I was bothering R.
21:16:21 I should have worried that I was bothering M.
21:16:24 I check in? I ask, and I think I'm approachable.
21:16:27 I don't understand why nobody wants to just talk to me.
21:16:34 I'm like, Oh, yeah, because when they do, you sound like this?
21:16:39 And I wouldn't wanna talk to me, either, if every single * conversation was like this.
21:16:41 So!
21:16:44 It makes sense why people avoid me because nobody wants to be around me when I'm like this. And I'm never not like this, because there's always something wrong.
21:17:08 And I get it. There's always something wrong with everybody.
21:17:15 I just think that my problems are harder for me to deal with because I don't have resources.
21:17:20 I don't understand what's going on. I can't make sense of the world around me.
21:17:24 I mean, and then, of course, it's gonna sound like I'm codependent because I can't even I can't even get out of bed.
21:17:32 I can't even remember how to brush my hair, or how to cook or.
21:17:41 Hello! Do my taxes like it's all just too much for me right now.
21:17:47 It's all just scary. Wanna be taking care of.
21:17:52 I want somebody else to take care of me. I want somebody to just do anything. I don't have anyone.
21:18:02 Poor people they do have. I just smother with this crazyness because nobody knows how to what to say.
21:18:21 So again, the movie.
21:18:25 I have to admit I am not a big studio, whatever.
21:18:41 I don't know how to say it like.
21:18:52 They respect that she likes it. That's not right. But I I like her, and I know that everybody has different things that they like, and.
21:19:05 I get enjoyment from her enjoyment of it. Let's put it that way.
21:19:09 So I've watched them because she wanted me to watch them, and I I have to get past a lot of things have to get past their voices like, especially the dad's voice, and the kids voice is really annoying.
21:19:27 And then I start wondering how old she's supposed to be.
21:19:32 Gives me feelings of rode Doll, because that's so funny.
21:19:39 I knew it was gonna not know how to spell it.
21:19:46 Because the way they talk they're like, Oh, you're stupid and ugly and skinny, and scrawny, and you know we're not supposed to talk to talk to kids like that anymore.
21:19:58 So it's sort of dated because I know that they're going back.
21:20:05 And they're like being more woke about rodeo books now, and taking out the offensive parts.
21:20:10 But it's like it wasn't offensive. And then that makes me think.
21:21:30 It makes me.
21:21:34 Think about stuff like Jenna marbles, and how she had to apologize, and how there's all of these shades of.
21:21:46 Words. I don't even understand how to explain, but it's like what I'm experiencing now.
21:22:00 I don't have the names for the types of people they are, and that's the thing I think I need to talk to owners do about.
21:22:09 But.
21:22:14 And then I just think about all the people I wanna talk to, and how I have no one to talk to, and I'm not even talking about the movie anymore.
21:22:21 I'm supposed to be focused on the movie, and I can't.
21:22:22 I can't, because everything we think about goes back to talking about me.
21:22:28 And then I start reading about narcissist. I'm like, Oh, my God!
21:22:31 I, of course I'm a narcissist, cause all I can do is talk about myself.
21:22:34 Of course it's driving all my friends away.
21:22:45 Now understand how all of these thoughts can exist in my head at the same time to the point that I can't think at all about anything, because they have too many thoughts, too many conflicting thoughts, all at the same time.
21:22:57 And I need somebody to talk to I don't need to be medicated.
21:23:01 I need. I need to figure out how to get it out, because it's too much.
21:23:07 It's too much that journalism and helping, because journaling doesn't tell me what the answers are.
21:23:12 It's things that I can't grasp.
21:23:15 It's concepts that I don't understand. It's it's things I can't put words to.
21:23:29 Every single thought that I have makes me think something else until I'm like 15 thoughts away from the thing that I was just thinking of.
21:23:39 2 s ago.
21:23:41 And then I go to write it down, and the thoughts already gone, because I'm already moved on to something else.
21:23:58 So once I got past all the things that bothered me in the movie.
21:24:03 The part that I.
21:24:09 Related to.
21:24:13 Was when the one Girl.
21:24:19 Was pulling out the right size shirt for her when she started crying, because I felt that way.
21:24:27 She? Of course she doesn't even understand what's going on.
21:24:32 You know her parents are pigs and she didn't even wanna be there just probably wants to be home.
21:24:41 She doesn't know what's going on. She's listening to what everybody is is telling her to do, and she's doing what everybody is saying, and nothing is working out the way it's supposed to, which can't make sense of anything. So of course you would.

[Eireanne]

So much parts work this week. 

Reading the old journal, came across this:  Why accept a friend I don't like? I talked to my therapist about it today, and read it myself after our session. 

I never fit in with anyone in my family.  I couldn't relate to them in any way.  They never included me in conversation except to ask surface questions, "how was school? What grade are you in now?" and when I was older "so are you dating anyone yet?" Plus, I only saw my extended family once or twice a year. 

I never understand when people say, "remember how easy it was to make friends as a kid?" No, no I don't. I always struggled to make friends, and the few friends I had, I loved them like family, not realizing none of them really felt the same way.  Maybe they did in the only way they knew how.  I didn't dump them for better friends because a) I didn't HAVE any better friends, so I was never in a position to dump anyone, but b) because I had SO many flaws, I thought, it someone is putting up with everything wrong with me, then who am I to say that I deserve more. 

That's the story I've been told/telling myself my entire life is that people just tolerate me, that I impose, that they are only inviting me because they know I have nowhere else, I don't want that, I want to make friends that want to be with me because I'm fun to be with, easy to talk to, where we don't ever run out of things to say and I want to know if the people I talk to can be that person for me.

I've tried to be that person, over and over, a good friend, there for other people, someone they can count on, someone they can talk to and I just get ghosted and rejected and abandoned over and over, always a scapegoat, always bullied and it's exhausting.  Is the trick to making friends the same thing you do to find a job? Just apply to as many people as you can until you find the one that accepts you?

Be happier being isolated so when you're rejected it doesn't sting so bad?

I was surrounded by bystanders and onlookers who all turned their back while I was in crisis.
 
I read somewhere that the only way to get over an experience is to go through it completely. I knew the person I wanted to be, the life I wanted to live and I understood that the road to getting there would be hard, and I would need support.  I would need my village.  Time and time again I hit walls and was made to feel that I couldn't recover unless I had support, so I kept focusing on trying to find the support I needed, but the more I reached out and asked for help, the more I realized it wasn't there.  During the height of the pandemic, it was justified – we were all in crisis, and how do you support someone else when you are dealing with your own crisis.  It made sense to me that no one had time to be there for me.  But as time went by, slowly everyone around me moved on and away, and couldn't understand why I wasn't also moving on. 

Birthday Trauma
Antisemitism Experiences
Hallowe'en sadness