Profoundy Thoughts and Epiphanies

[Eireanne]

People don't understand that in order to date someone (*, in order to just have a conversation with someone) you NEED ANOTHER PERSON. I waited my whole life for one person. I read things that said if you don't know what you are looking for, how can you ask for what you want, so I put this together:

What are the chances I will meet someone 22-26 taller than me, sexually attractive, open to anything I want to do sexually, caring, likes to cuddle, run their fingers through my hair, watches movies, cook, clean, sew, is neat and orderly, intelligent, has goals, is healthy, exercises, can teach me things, and has a good sense of humor? I'm looking for a man that I am attracted to, but more than that. I want him to be supportive of me, and be sensitive to my feelings. I would love for him to be neat and clean, well groomed, knowledgeable in many skills and interests. The ultimate thing he could do for me would be for him to cook dinner and have it ready for me when I come home. We could share in the responsibilities of the household, and have intelligent conversations. I would like him to be like minded, and yet, not exactly like me. Because if I'm stubborn and he's stubborn, then we could never settle a disagreement. But I would never want him to back down either. He would have to be vocal of his opinions too. If something is bothering him, I would hope he'd feel comfortable enough with me to say something about it


I thought they were reasonable things to ask for, I thought I'd just keep being positive and patient...but over and over again I was told to lower my standards and accept the love I am given.  I settled, because I couldn't decide which was better, being in a relationship with someone that isn't giving you what you need, or not having anyone.  I still go back and forth and am still distracting myself with the hope I'll meet someone. 

'Be Respectful, Be Responsible, and Be Resourceful'

Everyone telling me what I should be. How I should act. What I should say, How I should dress, and I just Don't. Fit.  In.  Why not ever tell me And That's Ok TOO, you don't have to change, you are fine just the way you are, it's the world that needs to change. 

[Eireanne]

Old journal entries of being excluded

They are going all out to celebrate Dr. Seuss's birthday next week, so of course I'm excluded. Do you have the oath...I vaguely remember reading it last year, something about promising to read each day and night...blah blah blah. They are making hats, and getting books, and drinking cocoa. I didn't realize it was a nationwide thing, and I am kinda resigned to the fact that I am excluded as usual. I wish instead of looking at is like I'm getting out of work, and I should be relieved to have less to do they would realize that it just makes me feel like an outcast, and not part of the team. Especially when they plan things and don't even let me know what's going on, and talk around me instead of to me. Oh well. Everything else is fine, I don't want to jinx it, so I'm not saying anything.
 
It's rather sad, that at the end of the school year, I still feel so shuffled around.  My position was never fully explained to me, I feel as if I am a classroom teacher, first and foremost.  I went to school to be a regular teacher, I have a class, unlike a regular teacher.  For this irregularity, the staff is in conflict.  Some treat me as a specialist, others as a supplement to their teaching.  The administration doesn't know what to do with me either, I miss half the workshops I should attend and attend others I should be missing.  It's rather frustrating.

And some more recent ones:

I'm in such an insecure and vulnerable place right now that I'm triggered so easily because I view everything as a form of rejection, not because everything is amplified, but because I'm actually seeing things for the first time as they actually are. I kept giving EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt and ANY time I didn't, even well-meaning people like N, whom I consider the closest thing I've ever had to another half, even she didn't get it, but the difference is, not that they don't get it, but are they willing to try to get it.  Will there be follow up questions, to ensure understanding, or will there be snap judgements based on faulty understanding, which is so isolating, for people to just not get it.  To be curious, questioning, making sure they understood fully how the other person may be feeling, but to like...

[Eireanne]

People assume that I'm single because I want to be alone. That if I didn't want to be alone I would've done some thing about it and the truth is it's devastating for me that I'm single not only single but that I don't even have a circle of friends that I can count on to help me from losing my mind and just be there for me when I need them and I'm not saying I don't have that in my life I do but everything I have in my life is virtual and I literally just want somebody that would be here and just actually be there for me instead of doing things I'm not asking them to and just making it a stressful situation so that I would rather just do it myself but there are things here that I can't do myself and I—


I have a problem with time management. My entire life is either or I can't seem to get everything done in one day. It takes me 14 hours to do the work that I should be able to get done in eight. But that's self-imposed that's a negative real that's not true you can't get work done the expectations that you're setting for yourself but I'm not clear if I'm selling them or if L is and I can't talk to her about it.--


Probably something I wrote when I was in college - which is why when someone tells me NOW "oh look how far you've come, now that you are starting to do the work....it's literally me doing the same thing for 30+ years and still living the same way as I was then, complaining over the same things, re-living the same patterns...

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and reading what I've written confirms it, my life is too cyclic and it's time for a change. I see myself as whiny and complaining and needy. This all has to stop. I'm always looking for someone to talk to when the whole time this person is right here. You. I don't need advice, I need to take control of my life. That starts with you. You will be my ears and T will be my shoulder. It's time to quit whining and start becoming the person I wish I was. It's going to be hard, but I can do it. If I can change my inside, the outside will follow and I can achieve anything. Well, I went online and talked to J. It seems that after 4 years and 4 months of not speaking, he hasn't changed. I told him flat out my decision to change and how I wanted him to stop using and hurting me. Our relationship just wasn't meant to be, somewhere out there is someone waiting to be at the right place and the right time for me. I just have to work on me. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Goodbye to everything in the past. They will all have their 15 minutes of fame in this book, and then I will turn the page. They will be lifted from my soul and I will be released from this self made prison. Gods give me the strength.

[Eireanne]

It's so hard for me I feel so outside of everyone, on the periphery wishing I could fit in, be a part, belong, but my own inner dialogue -these inner demons tell me that I don't, so I sit, filled with a longing that's almost palpable sending out the signal please talk to me like me be my friend is this the signal is the signal somehow being distorted? Why do people feel that they need to react so negatively towards me? I'm so scared I don't want to be turned away, I am afraid to share my pain because I feel as if it's coming off  in waves, as if I can transmit my negativity to others, and subconsciously they can sense that and I recoiling away from me. I realize, as I said balance. But then did some more searching, it's really release. I need but even as the realization hit I am terrified of letting go - what do I think will happen, that I will lose myself? I'm already lost so how do I find the me are used to be almost was?

[Eireanne]

Still working on closure, still finding things I question...

According to Jeney, our core insecurities often stem from attachment wounds, which is a way to describe any time there was a significant relationship that has ruptured our trust in the past. "This can create defensiveness that pushes people away and robs us of the opportunity of ever letting anyone truly in," she explains.

Except whenever you don't have defensiveness, and you let people truly in and they either use that knowledge to manipulate you or just straight up reject/abandon you...which leads to rejection sensitivity and being even further away from the person you want to be - the person other people want to be around.


This is where being insecure in your relationship and wondering whether you're with the right person comes in. "You can be insecure in your relationship and absolutely be with the right person," Jeney explains. "You may just be self-sabotaging because you are afraid to let anyone in too closely." When this happens, it can be because of the fact that you're not aware of (or just don't know how to handle) your insecurities, projections, assumption, attachment style, and behaviors. Jeney says if you find you're insecure, she'd suggest counseling as well as self-awareness work to determine if it's coming from external sources or you are just in an incompatible relationship.

Yes, I am often insecure in my relationships, because people often simply completely stop speaking to me for no apparent reason, and no amount of me asking why they aren't talking to me has ever let me know if it's something I said or did, and it never is, but it's just so easy for people to reject me I have to keep in mind that anyone that says they are a friend will somehow, in some fashion, end up abandoning me.  People misread that so easily and say things like, "well if that's the attitude you have, no wonder you're driving people away/self-fulfilling prophesy - um, no, it's just something I have to resign myself to, to stop getting my hopes up every time I allow myself to believe that this time, things might be different.  I don't think I could be any more self-aware than I already am. I'm just surrounded by people that aren't willing to be self-aware themselves, and do not spend any time reflecting on their own behaviors, or have the capacity to have difficult conversations. 

[Eireanne]

I've been told I'm weird (and not in a good way) my entire life and no one has ever been receptive to wanting to hear about the things I think about.  So I just assume my thoughts are safer in my head and shouldn't be shared. 

That insecure part says, see? You are a freak. This is why no one wants to date you. And I know that's just in my head but I wanted to let you know. Not so you'd feel bad, just so you know. It's hard for me to share. I lost someone that meant a lot to me bc he said I held everyone at arms length and never let ppl get close to me.  But I've also lost everyone I let get close to me. *shrug*

And I just came across an even longer entry on something I read a few months ago on c-ptsd >

[Eireanne]

I didn't write this.  I did the thing I do and put it aside to process later, and now that I'm reading it...


I don't think it's possible to be still incapable of seeing the goodness and beauty of other people and yet see goodness and beauty in yourself.  One comes with the other. And here's why I say that.

When my life was miserable and I was isolated and struggling, it was somewhat driven by Childhood PTSD and what had happened to me as a kid. But mostly I was miserable because of problems I was having with other people in present time, as an adult. A good part of why I was having problems with people was because I wasn't very good at caring about them – or paying attention to them, feeling empathy for them. Have you ever been in that place where you couldn't give that?

Um no. That's all I've ever done and to make me feel bad for actually focusing on myself now is implying that's why I have no friends - not helpful.

That extreme self-focus is normal for adults with unhealed trauma, often because we're in pain and this naturally sucks the focus away from what's going on around us. It affects the social dynamics, how other people are feeling, what their needs are – because our own needs are demanding everything we can possibly do just to hold ourselves together.

Yes, my own needs are demanding, but aside from the word vomit I often do because I barely talk to humans, then feel incredibly guilty I may be monopolizing the conversation, but begging people to have more regular conversations with me so I can regulate myself doesn't seem to work, so then what?? Also, I probably am spending way too much time invalidating myself and WISHING the other person would monopolize the conversation, so I can feel engaged, but no one says things!

And you know that self-centeredness, which comes from hurt and fear and anger – it's a symptom of Childhood PTSD. It's a universal symptom. It's not our fault we got that way but each day that we're still not able to form mutually caring relationships with other people, we love ourselves a little less. Maybe you do OK for a spell and then your PTSD flares up and drives you to lash out at someone and damage that relationship. Even as the words are coming out of your mouth you're thinking, "Oh no! Here it comes! I'm doing it again! I'm overreacting. I'm being harsh. This person's never going to want me in their life again!" And sometimes that's true. It's a terrible kind of shame if you've ever felt that.

Actually, what I've felt continually is rejection/abandonment and THEN feeling - I must have done something. And maybe I have rejection sensitivity, so WHEN it is happening (not when I'm imagining it) I do feel my emotions bigger than they are, but I'm having a VALID reaction to being abandoned AGAIN, not an overreaction.

When you feel that way, you'll sometimes find yourself among people who advise people like you to "just love yourself". I'm sure it looks like that's the thing missing and that if you could just manufacture that self-love, everything would be great. But how, right? Nobody ever tells you how. I'd always think that if I could "just love myself" I totally would. Really! It's such a maladaptation of childhood trauma to NOT love yourself.

I read this: When you are ok within yourself, you'll find the person you are meant to be with, and if not, at least you're content with yourself, and I feel it's more on the same lines, that people take for granted it's nearly impossible to gauge how to interact with other humans without PRACTICE interacting with humans and if all they are going to do is reject you until you "learn to love yourself" or "learn to be ok within yourself" there's still a huge part that's missing.

But here's the secret.

Self-love is not the FIX that's needed, it's the BYPRODUCT of the fix that's needed. Something definitely needs to change, and when you change THAT, the self-love will come. But you can't go straight to self-love and expect everything else to be solved. It doesn't really make any sense, does it?

When you don't love yourself, it's a cry for change. And change can be hard. Changes that stick – especially changing the hurts that are installed in you at a deep level – these changes are rare because they take a lot of focus and consistency. 

How do you learn to love yourself when you aren't sure if you've ever actually experienced love. I'm not clear what it truly feels like.

Humility, on the other hand, is something you can think of like acceptance. Humility is the ability to face a problem without defensiveness and without blame. Normally, any kind of loss or failure triggers people — and not just people with CPTSD, but all of us – when we feel like we've done something wrong we will often be tempted to start pointing fingers.

I haven't done anything wrong except do my best to survive and raise myself as best I could with no resources or understanding how to do it.  I learn everything the hard way, by trying something and failing and then trying again and again and wondering why I'm still failing, and listening to everyone else when they told me I was just doing it wrong, but not modeling for me how to do it correctly.

Humility can also involve a step UP, where you stop seeing yourself as this pitiful loser who is hopelessly damaged by childhood trauma and who can't possibly be expected to recover or change or show up for other people. Because that's not true either. So, humility is a gentle acceptance of reality. It's a beautiful state, where you just drop all the BS and the blame and the self-attack, and just be with the truth of your situation.

I am completely at acceptance of reality, that doesn't mean I don't know how to show up for other people, they just don't know how to show up for me.

This is a powerful antidote to shame – just facing the problem humbly. We hurt people. We make mistakes. And we are strong, resilient, kind-hearted people who can make good on that, we can heal and bring more of our gifts to bear in contributing positively to the people around us. That part feels good. Humility goes a long way toward making it possible for us to make that change and to change the things we didn't love about ourselves.

I don't feel any shame, just grief and loss for things I never had, or things I may have had briefly, but couldn't figure out how to hold on to, and couldn't figure out why people just wouldn't have conversations with me instead of just bailing. It happened so frequently that what else was I supposed to do but beat myself up for failing once again to make a friend, to have a group of friends that actually invited me places, and not just ask me to watch their house/pet because they knew I'd be home without anything to do anyway.

But here comes the third and hardest condition for change, and it's EFFORT. If we're going to change, we're going to have to work at it. There's just no way around it. A desire to change, the courage to face honestly where we are now, and the willingness to work consistently, daily, deeply (sometimes), and beyond our comfort zone — these are the things that work.

And when this is happening – I'm feeling it because I'm doing it – everything changes. And I discover that I love myself. And when I love myself, I'm a lot more at ease with other people. So, it's a positively reinforcing cycle. I couldn't love myself when I was focused only on MY feelings and MY hurts and trying to just stop being self-hating and just love myself.  I had to take steps up – look outward.

Loving myself sounds a lot more like forgiving myself for blaming myself all these years when it was never my fault to begin with.

And I will say, when this started to really happen, this is when my spirituality went from a vague idea into a well of strength within me.

I needed strength not just to imagine change, but to hang in there with the changes I was making and not give up. Cause there are always times when you are trying as hard as you can, and it just seems like it's going nowhere. And you think... "what is the point of all of this?" And then out of nowhere, something good happens – you get lucky, you get a burst of healing, and then you have more capacity to pay attention to your relationships, to hear people, to be good to them, and then the good cycle continues. And you find you love yourself.
If you're not loving yourself yet, and you can't see this yet, I'm going to tell you: You have precious intrinsic worth and you are worthy to be loved – even when – and this is true for every person alive – even when you can't love yourself.

It's magical thinking like this that kept me stuck in people pleasing mode.  I pet being patient, paying attention to others, being good to them, waiting for it to circle back to me so I could feel good things too and being told I wasn't feeling them because I didn't LOVE myself.


Don't get too wrapped up in the struggle.  Don't go hating yourself over mistakes and things you can't help. Keep your eyes on who you aim to be, the best part of you, and keep working to liberate that part of you, out from under the layers of all you've been through. A lot of CPTSD behaviors developed to protect you – checking out, being defensive, isolating. That's what the layers are for. They are how you protected yourself when those were the only tools you had. Now you're gradually adding new tools, and you can release those layers and come back to who you really are. And who you really are is very, very loveable.

All the times I've felt defensive is because I was being invalidated and feeling angry for being treated like a non-person, not being allowed a voice, not being allowed an opinion, or autonomy and standing up for myself just made things worse, so I was meek and didn't fight back.

Maybe some people can love themselves at will, but I can't. When I cleaned up my life, I became more considerate of other people and that helped a lot, to feel better about myself, to approve of myself. There were certain people I loved hugely, even when I hated myself, but it wasn't the kind of love that did them a lot of good. It was complicated love. I wasn't very present. I'm better at loving other people now, and that helps me BE loved more. That makes it possible to love myself more, and that's how this good cycle continues. You can start exactly where you are right now.

We're all learning to love, some faster than others. And just in case you fear that being loving and caring will just make you vulnerable to being taken advantage of, or even abused, that's more what happens when you don't have boundaries.

Yeah, no one really teaches you how to actually HAVE boundaries, they just tell you things that worked for them, but what kind of boundaries do you set with people who have no interest in you as a person?

You can love and have boundaries. As both aspects of yourself get stronger, the love and the boundaries, it creates something like a force field around you. You don't get messed with so much.  You don't get mistreated so much. You'll have a natural radar for hurtful people and if they are unkind, you'll see their mistreatment for what it is very quickly. You'll get a better sense of who to trust, who is solid. You'll grow these qualities yourself, and this will make you more open-hearted because you can afford to be. And it'll make you even easier to love right back. Your positive actions make you feel more REAL, more a part of the world, more a part of the forces of good. That's what you really want, and what'll make you feel good about yourself.

Even reading this now just fills me with sadness, because I come across unavailable, married, non-interested in me people and I see them giving their friends and family those things, but not me.  So I continue to feel unlovable, and reading this implies I haven't been doing all these things all along. I'm still vulnerable to abuse, manipulation, being taken advantage of because I am vulnerable and isolated and alone and people see that, once they get to know me, they see how innocent I am, how trusting I am, and If I'm not they tell me how standoffish I am...it's all a mess.

So, you can't love yourself yet? No problem. Try just taking positive actions for yourself. Do what you can to help others feel safe and loved too. I'm not saying be codependent or put up with abuse or just forget yourself and give all your energy to other people. I'm saying start taking positive actions. You know what to do. You know already. This is the part of you that you couldn't feel before.

Sigh.  Unhelpful post was entirely unhelpful.

[Eireanne]

I wrote this a few days ago, but I'm behind in posting...

I've literally tried everything to try to find people to talk to, but no one knows how to listen.  I've been socially isolated pretty much my entire life. I mean literally, my childhood memories are all of me sitting in my room, looking out the window, wishing I had friends and reading books to not feel lonely.  The isolation I experienced during the pandemic caused trauma, so looking back on my childhood layers the trauma. 

But like not in a "I'm so depressed" way.  I literally...can't process things that have happened on my own, with just the echo chamber of my own thoughts. And everyone I try to talk to (about ANYTHING) just brings up the trauma but won't listen to me enough to let me explain it so *I* can understand, and then I use nearly all my energy to just be understood...so it's like a catch 22 of sorts. Needing to talk to someone who can listen, but not having anyone willing to listen. 

So when the guy from 15 years ago (before the trauma - I refer to everything pre-pandemic as "the before times" I literally think of that as a completely different person.  Me, pre-trauma - I wanted to talk to him because he still saw me as I was then, and I wanted to remember pieces of her. I would meet him for coffee, or in the library, and we'd talk about the times we worked together, and the things we used to do together, and I explained to him, that's all I wanted, and activity partner, someone to DO things with...like go see a play. 

When I would meditate, all the parts of something traumatic that happened to me would talk to me. Like Crazy Jane's parts

It takes me feeling like I can open up to someone and share, a non-sexual intimate relationship (I didn't even know that was a thing before my research), a platonic relationship that is literally just text.  That's what I'm looking for.  Someone I can talk about movies and tv shows and show each other pictures of random things kind of friend, but most people are so used to in person getting to know someone, they can't comprehend you can get to know someone just as well virtually...sometimes even better.  I've made most all of my friends virtually...since college.  25 years living as a non-corporeal person, just thoughts inside my head, circling around and around. 

I get so far down in thinking of the "why's" about everything that I see things at a level no one else does.  So I have no one to talk to about anything that matters to me, I've never been in a relationship with anyone that ever even cared what I thought. I've always just had to put up with being abused just to survive...because I've never experienced thriving?

I've been invisible for most of my life.  I've been in survival mode since I was about 17, I have been abandoned and rejected my entire life, I've never really had anyone I could depend on, and yet people still insist on asking me stupid questions like "what are you passionate about?"

[Eireanne]

In an attempt to make friends, I keep encountering so many people that try to relate to me through their depression and social anxiety. One night, it got to be too much and I wrote a little rant:

I'm really sorry you are unable to connect with me on the level I'm needing, but at this point in my life, I'm really only concerned with my recovery, and less concerned with ensuring you're not experiencing feeling rejected and holding space for your depression.  I already empathized with you and imagined how YOU felt, so I can relate to you, you may not see it, but you aren't giving me the same courtesy.  I appreciate you sharing your beliefs with me, rating things as good or bad, positive or negative - that is not the space I live in and honestly, I'm here to connect, not feel like I'm trapped in a debate because you  think different perspectives are interesting. 

It's because you are neurotypical and you've spent your entire life fitting in and having people that relate to you. You were social at work, you had a group of friends and the hardest part of your life was when you were depressed and unmotivated.  But with diet and exercise, you suddenly were able to be social again! Success story, and if I'm not living that life, it's because I'm not TRYING hard enough!!! 

[Eireanne]

I've found a few resources for social connections, so when I process trauma it's easier...I am talking to "them" instead of just listening to myself talk, and in doing so, better understanding the things I'm upset about...Putting them here and then coming back to them later may or may not help?

When I try to explain to you how freeing it is to have radical acceptance and let go of the believe that there was going to be someone there for me, you keep trying to remind me that I should still live the fantasy that "I have to be "positive" and hopeful that there will be someone to help me!" I live in my reality, where I am using all my energy to help myself.  I am trying to explain to you that I currently have NO social support.  That I was attempting to use this site just to have a conversation with another human...


It's so annoying how much grief keeps coming up as I process all this trauma.  and then the added layer of grief (that I'm in right now) - grieving that I still haven't managed to make one friend here, not one person to talk to about the thing that's traumatizing me...right now, because everyone says, "in order to heal from your trauma, you need to rely on your community! Only I still haven't been able to find one, not even one person I could ask to join me for dinner, some place *I* would like to go...or have fun with...or laugh with...or be able to tell how horrible I feel right now, letting go of all this grief by telling it to myself.  Then having to "re-parent" myself and tell myself what I'd most like to hear if I heard someone else tell me this, which is too hard to do at the same time as actually feeling it. 

All the neighbors hear when I ask if I can have a conversation with them is that I'm looking for something to keep me busy.  I am sick to death of having it be suggested of all the ways I can provide a service to them...I literally want to get to know someone, but all of them know how to do is talk about their jobs, and their kids, and their mortgages or their dog and I'm like, Hi, I haven't had a conversation in 8 months, do you mind talking to me about ANYTHING? hahaha

[Eireanne]

The way I am processing my trauma right now (or when I wrote this, a few days ago)...is illustrating exactly why CBT doesn't work at ALL on me, and occasionally, I think there are other people like me, because I run into them virtually...but every time I make a potential friend IRL it turns out they can only think at the CBT level - and it doesn't mean they are bad people in any way, but...I realize they are "bad for me" (if that makes any sense) but for years I've been writing in my old journal that I have to put up with being friends with people I don't like because they are nice enough to put up with me, so I have to go along with whatever they want.

I'm in recovery and I could really use the social support.  I'm not saying, let me trauma dump on you, I'm saying let me practice modeling the behavior of the person I want to be, but I spend so many weeks, months...without anyone to talk to that as soon as someone talks to me I end up trauma dumping on them. And it's not because I mean to, it's because they ask me a neurotypical "small talk" question, because literally everything in my life is trauma and grief right now, but I'm working on it at such a deep level...whereas most people are too busy displaying adverse behaviors to deal with the root cause.  So they filter everything I say through the way THEY perceive the world, and I want a relationship where the other person has enough context to fully understand me, only they don't...time and time again. and it's such a lonely feeling...and I literally have no one to talk to about...anything really. I feel the only people that are in my life are those that put up with me, because they

This is why there is no trauma support group, because people who are healing from trauma aren't in recovery from trauma, they aren't dealing with their root issues, they're dealing with the adverse reaction they display from the avoidance of their traumas.  Meanwhile, the rejection I'm experiencing NOW, is triggering my grief which is causing me to verbally ventilate because I haven't been able to process most of it yet, without social support but people misunderstand what that means because they have a different definition of friend - I need an activity partner, not just someone who uses me because they don't have a car

I'm not pessimistic. I frame everything through grief, because my grief hasn't been acknowledged by society...I've heard it referred to as disenfranchised grief, and I've posted a few things on it, but like...months ago.  I'm literally grieving everyone who didn't understand me and stopped talking to me without me ever understanding why.  No matter how much I reached out to them, I just never got the resolution I needed for closure.  But I'm accepting my grief now, and honoring it in my own way. It's extremely harder that I don't have the social support required to properly heal, like...I think

This is where I stopped...so just posting it here as is to process later...

[Eireanne]

More ripping apart articles I disagree with in a safe space that won't contradict me with my "inner voices".

You're thinking negatively when you fear the future, put yourself down, criticize yourself for errors, doubt your abilities, or expect failure. Negative thinking damages your confidence, harms your performance, and paralyzes your mental skills.

Except when you're in survival mode and you aren't given any guidelines, or feedback so you have to be hyper critical of yourself to not allow any margin for error, because the slightest mistake (such as simply suggesting you prefer a different restaurant) leads to rejection/the end of a relationship/the elimination of a position/the lack of being able to support yourself because if you can't do it, there's no one else that will help you. So while yes, I agree that it harms my performance, paralyzes my mental skills and makes me so anxious that I'm about to lose everything (again) that it IS damaging...but so is criticizing me for not being perfect when we all know there's no such thing as perfection

Log your negative thoughts for a reasonable period of time.  This will include negative thoughts and anxieties, difficult or unpleasant memories and situations that you perceive as negative.

You should be able to see the most common and most damaging thoughts. Tackle these as a priority.

Thought awareness is the first step in the process of managing negative thoughts.

Ok, so here's a thought.  At my old job, I was the only person who managed the entire office. Everything from security to supplies.
I was the ONLY point of contact, so occasionally, I'd need to go into the office.  However, the woman that hired me didn't care about the office because SHE didn't go in. I'd mention to her that on X date, they were repairing phone lines and they needed me, the point of contact to be on site.  She'd counter by telling me it wasn't important, and therefore shouldn't be a priority.  If I TOLD these people that my manager said I can't go in, they'd ask, but isn't that my job? I'd say yes, I agree - it was...They'd ask if I had a backup - I didn't. And again I was told, I needed to figure it out.  How to be in 2 places at once, do all the things with no help...it got to be too much.  I was doing the job of eight people at any given time, and expected to just do it all.  But apparently, if I just managed my negative thoughts about the situation and just been a more POSITIVE person, it would have ended better?

Next up, the article suggests I challenge my thoughts to see if they are rational...

Feelings of inadequacy.
Worries that your performance in your job will not be good enough.
An anxiety that things outside your control will undermine your efforts.
Worries about other people's reactions to your work.

Yep, still 100% rational, and any time I asked someone for advice, or suggestions on how I could talk to her about how to be more reasonable about her expectations, I was labeled as a complainer.

When you challenge negative thoughts rationally, you should be able to see quickly whether the thoughts are wrong, or whether they have some substance to them. Where there is some substance, take appropriate action. In these cases, negative thinking has given you an early warning of action that you need to take.

Well, let's see. I asked for help, telling people I've reached a point where my health and wellbeing was in serious jeopardy and escalated to the point I needed to go on medical leave, knowing full well that unless I had someone to help me advocate for myself that my position would be eliminated. I was told repeatedly that what I was asking for I was legally entitled to and that I should go to HR if I felt my rights are being violated. I did and was told that me bringing it to people's attention made them uncomfortable, so I was written up, then when I came back to work I was stripped of all my duties and responsibilities and told that since they had already replaced me during my leave that there wasn't a position for me, and my role was being eliminated. If anywhere in there the negative thinking gave me a warning of what action I needed to take...I guess I missed it what with all the desperately going to organizations asking for advocacy, or just someone to talk to about options, or an attorney that would be willing to help, or anyone at all that wouldn't turn a blind eye to the retaliation I was experiencing

It's often useful to use rational, positive thoughts and affirmations to counter them. It's also useful to look at the situation and see if there are any opportunities that are offered by it.

Affirmations help you to build self-confidence. By basing your affirmations on the clear, rational assessments of facts that you made using Rational Thinking, you can undo the damage that negative thinking may have done to your self-confidence.

I see. So easy.  Rational thinking told me I had best find another job, but the simple fact I can't even find one person that will help me frame my experience into a marketable sales pitch that screams, "don't you just need me to work for your organization! I've been on bed rest for 8 months and can still barely function, please give me a chance! But yes, obviously I just need to do more affirmations.

[Eireanne]

Excerpts from the book - Do this sort of reworking with all of the items to which your responses were obviously self-limiting, and use the information you draft as a basis for a conversation with yourself.

This reminds me of the book I'm reading currently, in it I recognize that everything we tell ourselves is a story, so I just need to tell myself a version of my story that makes ME feel good, even if deep down I know the truth and in knowing the truth I can make different choices, while still telling my self a story that enables me to have self esteem.

Once you've created your script, embellish the process by creating images of yourself feeling and doing exactly as you would like, and of your life working just the way you want it to. Be unrelenting. Create positive images, then conjure them up and give them a concentrated look-see every chance you get.

This is a very personal and private process, so milk it for all it's worth. You can use what you write as the basis for an internal program designed to fill your life with more pleasure and less pain than you thought likely. You can do it. And it's well worth the effort.

This reminds me of the isolation journal prompt I got the other day, the one I wanted to write, but didn't have the focus...chose not to prioritize it until I was in the right mindframe.

Shattering old concepts and replacing them with affirmative inner talk and images toward the goal of sweetening your very own life not only feels good, but is good for you. Used in conjunction with common sense and planning and doing, it can make for a noble transformation.

Settle into some affirmative heart-to-hearts with yourself, if only briefly, every day for ten days. Center yourself and then give the process a wholehearted go.

Even if you feel phony for a few seconds at the beginning of each stint, just stick with it. Soon you will feel yourself.

When you hear can't or the phrase I can't rumbling around in your head, breathe and center yourself. Consider rephrasing the words you have just spoken or thought, replacing can't with won't or will or will not with choose to or choose not to. This will remind you of your responsibility for the limitation and in some cases your ability to remove a limitation.

When you have done this you might consider adding the words "until now" at the end or beginning of the thought or spoken phrase.

If your choice is to continue to do as you have always done until now, that is neither good nor bad. Simply notice whether your choice is based on a feared consequence or on a past experience rather than on the present situation

[Larry]

Hi Eireanne,   I hope you have a great day...

[Eireanne]

Thank you so much Larry, I wish the same for you 


I haven't done parts work in a few days, and reading the articles brought up thoughts that I had already been having, so I decided that's as good as any place to start...This is from 20 years ago...

He said he would rather talk to me over many other people in his life and that he wouldn't ask other people for advice, but the part that I can't recall was the most important. It was something like how when he first met me he didn't know how good/nice of a person or the aspects of my personality were so valuable and special and how when he first met me he didn't take the time to see it, to see what kind of person I really was, because you really have to work to get to know me. And I told him that the person I wanted to be showed the good qualities right up front, so I wasn't so guarded and people would like me, and he said that it was special, those qualities, and not everyone deserved to see it, and they had to earn it, and that just touched me so much to hear those words. Even though I can't remember them exactly.

I told him that had to have been the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me and how no one had ever taken the time to get to know me before, and he thanked me for allowing him to see those sides of me.

I haven't even done the conversation justice, and if I've misquoted, It would be awful because I would hate for him to read this and say, uh, that's not what I said at all.

We went on to talk about how I must be an awful person for me to be alone for so long and he said I just meet the wrong people. I accept that up to a point, but after x amount of years you have to start to wonder if it's something wrong with you. He said, why should you have to change to make someone else happy? If they don't like you the way you are then screw 'em!

But if you don't like yourself, then how can you expect someone else to like you? So he made me list the reasons why I thought people wouldn't like me, ie. The parents of the boys I would want to date, and he said all my reasons were BS.

Unfortunately, that was 3 years ago, and M and I are no longer friends.   But I still think of him from time to time, and realize that he was one of those reason season friends, and not a true friend.  I just wanted to remember the lessons he taught me.

I am so adaptable and flexible, and it's not because I'm co-dependent and I'm trying to be someone I'm not to please someone else, it's because I have such varied interests that I COULD go fishing and camping, and I COULD go to see a ballet, and I would LOVE to go to museums and art galleries, and go horseback riding, and I love dressing up as well as wearing my favorite sweatpants and old t-shirt. I'm tired of being insecure, worried that someone will see something about me that they don't like, why? Oh just because that's what always happens, but anyone that can't wrap their little brains around the fact that (sorry, I'm not perfect), has to take a good long look in the mirror, because none of us are, and the main problem is that while I see flaws in others, I tend to overlook them and accept people, flaws and all.

I want to know where all the people are that see ME the way that I am and accept ME, flaws and all. So you want to know about me? I'm wicked talented. I sing, dance, am into art...I draw, my favorite medium is pencil, second only to photography. I have a great eye. I love reading, I enjoy watching movies. I find architecture appealing, and love walking around the city just admiring the buildings. I don't have strong viewpoints or opinions, because I don't believe one should make a decision without getting all the facts, and more often than not, I don't have all the facts.

I can't carry a tune and I'm woefully uncoordinated and have no sense of rhythm, but it didn't stop me from listing the things I enjoyed, even though I have no skill. I no longer work on my art, haven't...probably since I wrote this, but I have craft projects to finish and photos to look through.  Now when I go for walks, I look at the trees, not the buildings. I still have no strong viewpoints or opinions.

I'm intelligent, but not educated, I make up for this by becoming autodictative...it's a pet peeve of mine that my word processor feels the need to auto-correct words it doesn't recognize. I don't care for fancy things, I'm a down to earth sort of girl, and am easily pleased. If that makes me mundane, then I'm incredibly sorry, but that's me. If I had access to a washing machine, and dryer...if I could get an apartment with a dishwasher...if I could live in a neighborhood where I wasn't the 'white girl', and I could go out night or day and NEVER have to think about parking, I would be blissfully content.

I finally do live in a safe neighborhood where I am no longer the minority, I have a washer/dryer and a dishwasher and I never have to think about parking.  I would say that I'm content and not blissful. Thoughts of my mom popped into my head just then, who always wanted more, and wasn't content with what she had, but honestly, the only thing that could make this apartment better is a different faucet in my kitchen sink, a different light fixture (both of which I can eventually adjust if I had help) and to have hot water faster - I am truly blessed. There are a few thrift shops in the area should I need "new" clothes, but I'm perfectly fine wearing the few things I have every day...I dress for comfort, not style.

I want to be able to go shopping and buy whatever I wanted, whenever I felt like it, and not worry about it going bad. I want to be able to dress like an adult, and have clothes that make me look like a professional. I want a close-knit group of friends that I can be myself with, and one that doesn't exist solely on the internet. I'm tired of settling, I want to be happy dammit. Don't I deserve it? Am I really asking too much?

Still asking for the same things, 20 years later. Sigh.