How to feel safe?

[DD]

My trauma is still with me even though right now I am safest I've ever been. I did all the difficult decisions to enable me to feel safe. Yet, all men are potential abusers to my system, which thought is as offensive as it feels true. I'd like to change it. And yes, I know, in my head, most are safe and kind. I almost never FEEL safe. I just feel not abused RIGHT NOW and will resume any minute.

So my question is: what are ways that you have managed to teach your body and mind to feel safe?

[Towhee]

Hi DD.  This is something I'm still working on too.  My sense of threat/ hypervigilance has been my hardest symptom to deal with and it gets worse at certain times of year.  July is my toughest month.  The only thing I learned for certain is that trying to challenge those physiological and emotional sensations with rationality isn't effective.  They come from a much more primal place in our brains.  Some things that help me a little are listening to soothing sounds, like calming music or a white noise app; time in nature; working out, especially weight-lifting because it's simple and repetitive but requires full concentration of both body and mind; and getting immersed in a good story, whether a book or movie or show.  When I'm in a heightened state I have to avoid crowds and noise.  And of course self-compassion.  We wouldn't have these responses unless someone gave us reason to.  We can't beat ourselves up for having normal reactions to terrible, abnormal things happening to us.  You already took a good step by reaching out to a community.

[DD]

Thank you Towhee! I found that listening to a heart beat helps. The thing I really struggle with is that it takes so much effort to calm and find safety. And in an instant it can be destroyed. Ex brings kids back sends my anxiety through the roof. Message from father. All valid reasons for reaction.

It just feels like I spend all my time calming down. I get moments of respite from terror and fear. And then it's off again. Does this ever get easier?

[Kizzie]

So I have a narcissistic mother and any contact with her used to send me into an emotional flashback. A T once said to me there might come a day that I found some of her behaviours laughable and they would not send me in hyperspace.  I thought she was not quite appreciating the pain an N can cause, but a few years later my NM did something that normally would have triggered me and it found myself laughing. It was just so ridiculous! It was by looking at her rather than my pain that seemed to help.  I guess what I was learning to do was to be more objective and really look at who and what she and the other abusers in my life really were.  Small, weak people I gave power over me to.

They just are a lot less threatening although there are still things they do that catch me off guard and send me and I have to accept that will happen and try and manage it. There's a lot we have buried and some of it is quite deep so it can pop up under stress. Knowing that may happen from time to time is to my mind accepting it and managing it better.

Just my thoughts of course 

[DD]

I love this idea Kizzie although it feels light years ahead of me. But I'd like to get there. In my head I can kinda see it but the reaction is still all consuming. But maybe it is coming. Thank you for hope.

[NarcKiddo]

I have a notice on my desk that says "Observe, don't absorb." It helps a lot, though obviously not all the time.

Essentially you identify a behaviour that triggers you. For example, they say something like "I'm so upset and stressed" every time you report some bad news of yours. They make everything about them.

Then you pretend to be a researcher or scientist or something. You can even put on your imaginary lab coat and pick up your imaginary clipboard. Then you actively look out for that behaviour. When they do it you make an imaginary note on your clipboard. You congratulate yourself on having spotted the behaviour and noted it down. This is a job well done. The more times they do it, the better! You are really filling up your clipboard now.

The idea is that this takes away the hurt from you personally because you are actively looking out for it. You almost want them to do it so you can fill in your imaginary note.

It sounds weird but give it a go. Don't pick something hugely triggering at first. You want to be successful at this from the get go, so you can feel pleased at what you noticed and not berate yourself for getting triggered and absorbing before you could observe. Pick something they often do that you find mildly annoying. Or even something neutral that they do or say often. Just so you can get in the habit of noticing it and congratulating yourself inwardly on a job well done. Once you get used to doing it then you can gradually pick tougher triggers.

[DD]

Thank you, NarcKiddo! I love this idea.