Hi there, new here

[pisces4eva]

Hi there everyone.

I'm new here.

I don't have a diagnosis.

My therapist, who I've been seeing since 2008, asked me why don't I just say NO to my mother?

I struggled with this. I turned it over in my mind. I realized no one ever said no to her.

That's when it hit me - it's a family system. Everyone's upholding the values. These values almost killed me.

I got my hands on "Rejected Shamed and Blamed" book and learned about the fawn response and felt like I had an answer for my therapist.

I'm really glad to say that when I brought my homework to my therapist she immediately replied, "You think you're having a trauma response to your mother. That's not good. I'm not trained for that work but we can get you transitioned to someone who does that kind of work."  (She's retiring in 2 years anyway and can stick with me the whole time.)

Have I reached out to the new therapist? I have not. I'm just sitting in the middle of my life looking around and seeing things in a very new light.

For the first time I feel a bit of kindness to myself.

The screaming mess that was my head was a really scary place to be.

I have done a lot of things in survival mode and have been so negative and down on myself.

Now I realize that letting my mom re-traumatize me over and over has contributed to me feeling like * about myself.
I said no (in a letter) and established a boundary and consequences.

Here's to new life!

[Kizzie]

First of all, hi and welcome to OOTS 

For the first time I feel a bit of kindness to myself.

Second, bravo to you!   

[Moondance]

 

Welcome Pisces4eva,

Your post warms my heart. It feels hopeful and shows your strength. 

I hope you find all that you need on this awesome forum.

[Towhee]

Hi Pices4eva! It makes me so happy you were able to discover this and have a therapist who's helping you find someone with the training to guide you through it.  Congrats on finding this source of community and info too!  These are HUGE steps in a healing journey.  Wishing the absolute best for you! 

[str_grl]

Pisces4eva, welcome!
It is an GREAT and difficult step to begin establishing boundaries. 
I hope you find what you are looking for on this supportive forum.

[gcj07a]

First of all, Welcome! So glad you are here!

why don't I just say NO to my mother?

I realized no one ever said no to her.

That's when it hit me - it's a family system. Everyone's upholding the values. These values almost killed me.

Second of all, I COMPLETELY get it. When I got my hands on Walking on Eggshells by Mason and Kreger, I was just flabbergasted at the dysfunction in my FOO system. My mother has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and I have also found a lot of help and support at the Out of the Fog web site and forum for dealing with those in our lives with PDs. Of course, I have no idea if you suspect your mother of having a Personality Disorder or not, but wanted to leave that link here as  resource.

Third, good luck to you! And I am glad we can help support you!

[pisces4eva]

Kizzie, thanks for the welcome.

Moondance, glad to warm your heart.

Towhee, I am so thankful I did not meet resistance from my therapist.

str_grl, boundaries... how do they work?  I've never had them. 

gcj07a Thank you I will get those books!  My mom has some things for sure (anorexia) but not BPD. Sorry you dealt /are dealing with that.

It took a long time to respond.  I really have to dip in and out of this discussion generally.

Same thing with the books - I can only read "What My Bones Know" on audio when I'm walking... it's too disturbing to take in while I'm not moving.

It's worthwhile to protect my peace.  Thank you for having me.

[Kizzie]

No-one said "No" to my mother either Eva so you are in good company here. There are good reasons we didn't, much of it to do with hoping our M's will love us, partly because we're afraid of them and that they will make life more difficult for us, and because we were children for heaven's sake. Maybe she asked you that so you would think about why that was so? If she was saying you should have said no then good grief, children in abusive families don't say no for good reason. I hope it was the latter. Either way it's probably good for your recovery if you do move onto a T who does know much more about trauma. 

[Papa Coco]

Pices4eva,

Welcome to the forum!

As you are "sitting in the middle of life looking around and seeing things in a very new light" I'm glad that you saw this forum and joined it. As we each share our stories with each other, we are each reminded that we are not alone in these dysfunctional families from which we came. I have found a lot of healing in the knowledge that I'm not the only person who has ever felt as I have felt.  There's strength in togetherness.

Welcome!