Sandals' journal

[Sandals]

Finally feeling like I am in the space to begin a journal. For the longest of times, I didn't want to journal. It felt that it was making it too real.

I may come back and delete this all at some point. Not out of fear but for catharsis. Like writing words down and then burning them to let them go.

It feels strange to try to go back and reconstruct everything from the beginning. So I'll begin in the middle and let chronology work its own way out.

[Sandals]

This weekend I'm feeling fatigue hit me pretty hard. I took yesterday "off" and didn't touch housework. I'm not sure if I'm seeing the return I'd hoped for. Although I feel stronger mentally, I still am waiting for the physical aspect to catch up.

There's always that balancing act of spending time with the kids, taking care of the home and taking care of me. And then fitting work in somehow too. When I'm feeling that I've * up an area, it's easy for resentment of my ex to bubble to the surface. He gets to be a teenager again without responsibilities and I carry everything. But what I need to do, really, is find a way to re-energize myself. I am thankful for the gifts of all I have and moving to blame sucks energy.

I need to find way to bring play into everything more instead of moving into distraction and avoidance. And I think this is a matter of simplifying instead of over-trying. Reminder to myself here to put on music. I've been forgetting lately, likely because of time pressure. But I know that music can help a lot.

Off to tackle the kitchen. And listen to music. And play!

[Sandals]

I am feeling very quick-tempered today. Everything and everyone is getting on my nerves. It's taking everything for me to not yell at the kids, especially when they are fighting or whining. Not a good feeling, at all.

I think that a lot of this is work pressure. I really miss the slower pace of being off from work. Came to that realization this weekend. It's funny, I'd never pictured myself as a stay-at-home mom. But having had those few months, I can totally see myself getting into the rhythm. Sadly, it is not likely to be a reality.

On top of which, I've been grieving on and off for the past month...no, more like the past year...for the third child I'll most likely never have. It's strange because I thought I'd never understand how some people "know" that they want one more or that their family is complete. I was starting to feel the urge for a third about six months before I discovered my ex's infidelity. We had touched on it lightly but not had a big discussion. Although it's not impossible, I feel like the chances of it are quite small. And so I grieve a child I never had.

So that's me today: angry, stressed, sad. I just want to curl up with my kids, but instead I'm on my laptop working. Reminding myself that this will pass, is a blip in the long run. But also trying to acknowledge all of these feelings and understand the purpose behind them.

[Sandals]

If each week of our life had a chapter, I think I would call this one "Emotional Swirl." Although there are likely others that could also use that same name!

Still feeling burned out. I've messed up on a few things at work - small things, but noticeable. I've also had some strong successes but of course it's the misses that stick with me.

There's going to be a talk next week Thurs by the same facilitator of the workshop I'm going to May 8 - 10. My T sent me a note about it b/c she thought I might like to go. I pointed out that I wouldn't be able to as I have to be home by 9 for the kids, even though it's my ex's night. She suggested inviting him and both going while hiring a babysitter. There's no specific theme for the talk that I know of, but it would be good to be on the same page as co-parents.

I didn't think that he would say yes if I invited him, but he did. On one hand, it would be great to see a change in him (even though I am not responsible for him making that change). On the other hand, all of my fears arose: anxiety about talking about intimate things while he was in the same space as well as anxiety on what sort of stories he could/would make up to smear me afterwords. Combined with work stress & fatigue, it was a lot of strain. I told my T that I didn't think I could do it, and she was understanding. I'm waiting a few days to make the final decision.

I've also just been out of whack with other things. My T & I often talk about understanding the motivation behind actions that are hurtful, and trying to hold a place of compassion for those actions. But this approach has not sat well with me since our last session. I'm trying to work on anger (currently repressed/not there) and I feel like working on compassion simultaneously just serves to trap it and/or tamp it down. I've shared this with her.

And overall...just feeling really, really burned out. Which of course catches up in home life as well as work life. I wake up every night in between 1 - 2 am and am up for an hour-2 hours, despite how tired I am. It's become a cycle. I've booked an appointment with my ND and am hoping she'll have some suggestions. Wish I had a week to sleep. Wouldn't that be a dream?

[Sandals]

I'm back on sleep meds and adrenal response. Although I had always continued on adrenal response, I had backed off the sleep ones. Some part of me thought I could get additional work done during my wake-ups. While it happened occasionally, it wasn't enough to justify it. The other thing I realized is that it works in conjunction with adrenal response because it's a cortisol manager.

So of course, when I get that starting to balance again, one of the kids gets sick and we end up in emergency. And though my ex knew and expressed concern, there wasn't any offer of help. Actions speak louder than words, right? Kid's okay now and despite the worry, the change in pace was maybe a good thing.

I also had a breakthrough today. Or I'm hoping I did. I came to the realization that I'm denying the feelings I had as a little girl. I can feel compassion for others who have been abused but not myself and I think it's because I refuse to associate this attributes with me. I started a list of words I might associate with me in the face of abuse: helpless, weak, dependent, hurt. And the antonyms are what I tend to think of myself as: strong, independent, capable, okay. When I see someone else in that position I have boatloads of compassion for them. When I see myself in that position, I have so much self hate, it's overwhelming.

I'm not sure where I go from here, but I'm talking to my T about it tomorrow.

[Sandals]

I'm feeling compelled to put something down about my session today. But at the same time, feeling odd about journaling the whole thing. So th flow of this may be a little off.

My T continues to be one step ahead of me, which I am thankful for. I had anticipated we would talk about my breakthrough noted before, and we did but in a different way. As I mentioned when starting this journal, I've begun in the middle, so this will not make sense to anyone else reading.

Today, my T asked me if I had any pictures of me as a very little girl. The IC I am most in touch with is around 5. She wanted younger, though, and I had one of me and my dad at around 2. She asked me what I saw when I looked at myself, and I felt mostly that it wasn't me I was looking at. I also felt that the me at 5 wasn't 3 dimensional. She pointed out the similarity to my mom who is one dimensional.

When I thought more about me at 2, and my own kids at that age, I realized that there isn't as much a sense of self because they just are. Honest, spontaneous, curious, demanding, and the centre of their own world.

So the work we did today was merging the 2yo and the 5yo. We brought both medicine woman and my dad in. I loved that my dad was there, too. I'm hopeful that this will work.

I'll likely come back and revisit this again. Need to give it some time to process and land.

[Sandals]

Quick entry today. I've started doing some mirror work. As usual, I was very avoidant to this to begin with, but I think it has a lot of power in honest self-examination.

I've also realized that the barrier to me connecting to the 2yo is different than the 5yo+. It's not self-hate or feelings of not mattering I'm dealing with. It's fear, pure and simple. The 2yo didn't have resources to self-soothe or mitigate her environment. She just lived in it and absorbed it. And it locked away all of the spontaneity and joy because of the dangers surrounding her.

And now that I'm writing this, I'm wondering if that is part of what attracted me to my ex. I know I recognized it in him and as something that wasn't as much in me. I wonder if the 2yo bonded with this aspect, with someone who didn't seem to be afraid of the world. Hmmmm...