Pointless secrecy

[NarcKiddo]

In a conversation over the weekend a fellow C-PTSD survivor said she had told her husband about something she was doing that she had felt reluctant to reveal, though the reluctance seemed to make no sense. Someone else said they keep things secret, too. It wasn't the time or place to discuss further but I, too, can go to ridiculous lengths to keep my activities secret.

I understand where it may come from, in that the only thing safe from my mother was what she did not know about. Thoughts had to be hidden lest she take offence or use my feelings against me, and activities had to be hidden else she would either criticise or take over. Plus it was forbidden to tell outsiders anything when I was a child.

I keep everything a secret from my mother still, which makes ample sense. She has nothing to use against me plus I appear very boring so her interest in me is not constant and intrusive.

But I keep everything secret from everyone if I possibly can. If I go out, I hate telling my husband where I am going, even if it is just to the hairdresser or for a massage. I do tell him out of common courtesy, and so he knows when to send out a search party if I don't return home. But I hate, hate, hate telling him. I don't like him knowing when I am painting or colouring. I don't like discussing what I am reading. If I have cooked a meal (he does most of the cooking in our household) and he is complimentary about it that is great, but if he asks how I made it I feel like I don't want to tell him.

I don't have any particularly close friends, but as I don't like telling people anything that may be part of the explanation.I don't think it is necessarily a trust issue, though it might be, but it makes little sense to resist telling someone how I baked a cake. I hate going shopping with anyone else (always have, even as a teen) and if I buy something I never go to anyone and show off what I found. It gets quietly put away.

Does anyone else identify?

[woodsgnome]

Hey, NarcKiddo; I closely identify with what you've shared here, among your semi-'secret' friends group still adjusting to our time out of the storm.

The trust factor is HUGE for me. I desperately sought out people to trust and almost all didn't feel right in the end. From minor misunderstandings to major catastrophes with dangerous narcissists, I found myself confused, and sometimes badly hurt. I think I still want to trust but it seems a very distant possibility given my present life.

Mind you, that life has become near total isolation from direct contact with people anymore. Even a phone call has to be carefully considered before it seems like a safe venture for me.

Yet I'm not forlorn about this, definietly not as much as I used to lament my circumstance(s)
. It's just the inner critic's game to make me guilty about devising a life style in which I can feel safe. This isn't what other people might choose (though some definitely would), but it's all part of my acceptance (NOT the same as tolerance for what was done to me).

In reference to your bringing this up, secrets have been very okay for me; given some disastrous results of some times I let my guard relax a bit, in my constant search for finding trust out there in a world I'm very curious about, but also too scared by some things that went terribly wrong in that search for trust.

Along the way I've at least encountered new ways and vibes by which to trust (even love?) my inner self better than I once did. It's taken a long, long while to come to this but one of my better qualities just might be this patience and openness to surprises. Meanwhile, I've many secrets held with very good reason. I -- and you -- are not at all alone in this.

So, take heart; we're all striving as best we can with the cards we've been dealt. It still seems like emerging from a deep chasm, but guess what -- that's what it is. Take care of yourself; I hope this can help -- 

[Armee]

Thanks for posting about this NK.

 

I'm super super secret for absolutely no good reason, or more like multiple reasons that are no longer valid in the present. Its a hard habit to break but I am taking baby steps toward not being quite so secretive.

I hide books I read, podcasts I listen to, where I am going no matter where it is, who I am talking to, what I do with my time etc. I only feel safe alone. Even though my chosen family is lovely.

I have started lessening the amount of time I take to tell my therapist some things. It used to take a year to tell him about an important flashback...now mostly I can tell him these things right away. I used to not tell my husband anything to the point that if I couldn't hide that I was doing something I just wouldn't do it, instead of having to find a way to tell him. Reminds me of a kid snacking off in a corner to keep from being caught doing something bad. Except there's nothing bad and no punishment coming. I'm learning and my husband is learning too. Now he will gently ask: "mind if I ask where you're going?" I can tell him over text and then talk about it after that.

[Bach]

I have this impulse towards secrecy as well, even with the people I'm closest to and trust the most.  I have to have things that are only mine. I've never really understood my need for certain kinds of tightly-held privacies, especially because there's also a part of me that always wants to tell people everything in the hope that it will make them understand. 

[Chaos rains]

I totally get this, NK! Or half of it, at least. Anything I told my mother could and would be used against me later. And she pried constantly, seeming to feel entitled to my every thought, interest, or emotion. Putting the brakes on that was one of the hardest things I ever did, and really required me to reduce contact. I'm NC with her now.

But the longer-term effect on my life has been the complete opposite from yours. I am compelled to overshare everything with everyone and I really hate it - and for the most part others don't want to hear it. Only in recent years have I learned to hold back a little.

What a fine legacy they left for us