Ogs Journal

[Ogdru]

I've seen a few journal postings here. I throughout my years have had the hardest time consistently journaling. Right now too I am esp having some trouble journaling because I am terribly afraid of being with my trauma alone right now. When in therapy I can really go into subjects. So I think I will try here in search for company.

Jheez I am not doing great right now, after a stranger began acting as a caretaker for my more or less lobotomized mother been escaping hard and its having detrimental effects. I can't talk to her right now, to be honest I don't want to talk to her again. Not really sure what can be done there but that's not getting solved today. My apartment is messier than ever, falling behind on finances and struggling with nicotine addiction. I know I can't keep on escaping until my problems become unsurmountable. I really can't lose what I have gained over the years, namely very stable job and being able to live on own.

I am hoping clean the kitchen some today, I think just the practice of being a bit more present by posting here is helping. My therapist has asked I do try for other coping skills so I am quite proud to be posting here. I'd like to clean an aspect of my apartment three times this week. Just to be present in my space, wow, its incredible just looking around at messy odds and ends I can tell the moment I see it I feel intense discomfort and immediately go back to my intensive day dreaming. Things were really messy and honestly had a lot of anxiety growing up, my dad raised my sister and I after mom got her first brain surgery and divorced. In hindsight he was really depressed and things like the house fell apart badly. That's when I first started to escape, out of fear of his perpetual unemployment- financial struggles, and the future of moms mental and physical decline. So I've made myself a living situation very similar to my dads, intensely depressed, financial struggle, living space is a mess and moms condition is worse than ever (that I had nothing to do with but it scars me all the same). I'm totally just doing what I know, which I retreating to a safer space. There is also a ton a fear and likely self hatred that I am just repeating my parents fate, stuck inside, depressed, not taking care of themselves, falling apart.

But I can control some aspects, so kitchen today after work it needs it. I know I am not my dad, not my mom, and really just try and tackle one thing not even every day- just today kitchen.

It was nice posting here. I am proud I did. This is all very new to me, I seldom share these sort of things with others. 

[natureluvr]

Hello Ogdru.  I, too, have had a hard time journaling.  It sounds like you have a good therapist.  I just want to say that it sounds like you are doing some really good things to help yourself, and this is commendable.  I'm glad you say you realize you are not your mom or your dad.  I just want to mention that I relate to a lot of what your say - not wanting to talk to your mother, and retreating to a safe place.  I find that sharing this trauma stuff with others who understand really helps me. 

[Armee]

I'm proud of you too! 

I definitely share a distaste or inability to journal. This site has really helped me do that. I cannot keep a private journal. But I come here to support others and then at times post to get support too because I'm here. Times I've needed that support it has been very very helpful and I often have insights while I am writing.

I'll be cheering you on when you are able to clean a bit of your space. It's a big step because of course it isn't just about cleaning, it's trauma. So if you get your kitchen cleaned up a bit, it is a very very big deal. Also, no shame ok? Rule #1 of healing complex trauma is slower is faster. But rule #2 is accepting ourselves as we are, that's actually what allows us to change.

Also I understand not being able to talk to your mom. I'm so sorry that decline is hanging over you like that and also is part of trauma and retraumatization I imagine.

[Ogdru]

Want to continue today, first to engage with those who posted here. I think I disassociated today, which will post here to try and ground myself a little.

Naturelovr- Thank you for your affirmations and relations. I am glad to not be alone in that. It helps ground me some. Going to try and keep sharing here, and see what may come of it- stay connected and help a little more grounded in a difficult chapter.

Armee- Thank you as well for cheering me on and acknowledgment of continual retraumatization that means quite a bit. Its hard because life continues- rent is expected, I have to attend my responsibilities at work but everytime it comes up I so wish for the world to stop on its Axis or leave to a different one all together. But hearing that acknowledgement is really nice, because it feels like I have to repress the notion or dismiss it all together which makes me believe there is something wrong with me- that I am inoperable. That sort of brings me to what I wanted to journal about today which is self shame (and self hatred), but before I do.

I did the dishes yesterday. I was really glad I did and am genuinely proud I did. Not getting any chores done today but that is OK.

On self shame, yeh its... resoundingly tricky, Ive been told by the therapist so often over the course of the three years we have known each other, that I hold so much shame. And its without me even knowing, so much of it feels so passively, so ingrained. I'd like to accept myself though, I really would, and there are things I genuinely do but I leave my own mind so often. It of course wont happen over night, accepting who we are. I'm trying to think of things I can do to try to do to sort of begin that rewiring. My own inner voice is just so passively harsh, and has been for years, its gotten better in many aspects but still self abusive. I think shame is a central part of my escapism, leaving my own head.

I'm open to thoughts and suggestions of what others may have, things that have helped them.
 

[natureluvr]

Dealing with the toxic shame is a big part of recovery for me.  I'm a work in progress with regards to that.

One thing that helps me, is to remind myself, and have others remind me that my abusers are the ones who the shame belongs to.  They are the ones who behaved in a despicable way.  I was an innocent child.  I actually visualize the shame that they transferred onto me going back onto them.  I believe what else helps me is being able to grieve the pain and the hurt that is deep inside me. It also helps to be gentle and accepting and loving to the hurt little girl that is still inside of me, and to nurture her. 

I do so relate when you say that this shame is so ingrained.  I believe that is true for me, as well. I think this may be something that I will be working on for the rest of my life.

[Ogdru]

Hey Natureluvr- I appreciate you sharing that with me. That is a good point, while I never had continual abusers, I certainly was the recipient of terrible emotional abuse during my times of extreme loss and immense grief. And I have since internalized that I was wrong due to their actions. Ahhhg the anger too. Yeah, I'll think on this, I don't deserve to have such venomous self loathing as I do because of their abuse. I think this is most applicable when it came to my dads siblings sending me his ashes over the mail, and the callousness others had about my grief. Fortunately I was not really in contact with these people much.

One tricky aspect that my therapist has pointed out, is the day to day neglect I face isn't really anyone single persons fault. I mean with my fathers death he did in a roundabout way kill himself (really allow for his health to fall apart, and he also was quite vocal about a strange death wish he held that he sort of tied to bhuddism... which I don't know its weird and complicated), but its feels... off to blame him for that. My mother she had a brain tumor, and its not her fault she has had her brain scooped out twice. Truth told, they both loved me, very flawed people but they did so much right as parents, and a lot wrong too. I go back in forth missing them (think that is the younger version of me coming out), and hating them so much for something that for something that's not actually who they are. My therapist has said this circumstance is unique. She mentioned exactly what you had to say about abuse, but its hard here because there isn't really an abuser regarding my mother (my dad I think had some abusive attributes but some really loving ones too), and he's since passed so I don't know at least his chapter closed.

I hear you for allowing myself to grieve, I will think on that as well.

[Armee]

    

Hoorah for getting dishes done!!! And for giving yourself a break from chores today. Superb!!!

I think I understand a little what you mean...not really having an abuser per se to blame, but trauma nonetheless. That was a big issue with me with my mom. She was just mentally ill. She didn't really intend to harm. It made it hard. For sure.
Self blame. Yeah that's a huge huge huge one for me. It's lightened in time...4 years of therapy or so. A big piece of it is really adequately processing the traumas. We may think we understand things weren't our fault but parts of us may have some beliefs that would surprise us and that drive our behavior and emotions. Just keep going. You're doing great. It's not a race just takes patience. Eventually wins will start to add up and you'll start to feel incrementally better until all the sudden you look back and realize how far you've come.

[Hope67]

Hi Ogdru,
I think it's great that you've ventured into your journal. 
Hope 

[Ogdru]

So I have been doing a lot of thinking these past days when outside of escapisms. I am so in the hole financially, I have some debts I need to pay off and nowhere near making rent. I've really set myself back in this period. Where I am, I feel really humiliated but I think something I need to do is ask one of my two closest friends parents if they can, well to speak bluntly if I can move in for a period. I so need a reset, I can't get my basic needs met so I can't make progress anywhere. I am nowhere even close to being able to afford a car, desperately struggling in the environment I am stuck in, and falling behind. I just really need a safe environment where I can actually make progress on healthy coping skills, be able to practice actual budgeting where it doesn't send me in an anxiety induced spiral.

With having lost both of my parents, I've often been recipient of "you are our adoptive son", this I have always been skeptical towards because I don't know how genuine it is. I don't want to live with my friends parents, I really would rather live on my own, again it feels so humiliating, but I don't have another direction and I am afraid I am teetering on a brink. To speak plainly and to let go of grace for a moment they both have sons living with them, if I am claimed as an adoptive son, please I need help. I need a reset, and a safe space that isn't mired in my own depression. I've nowhere else to turn.

This is difficult, and I hope I am able to reach solution.

[Armee]

I hope they are people who will meet you with genuine kindness and acceptance. 

[natureluvr]

Hello Og.  I stand with you, and I'm sending warmth, positive thoughts, and prayers your way, if that's OK.  I'm very sorry you are dealing with these things now. 

[rainydiary]

I hope that you find a living situation that offers the safety you are seeking.

[Moondance]

Hi Ogdru,

Good for you for recognizing and reaching out for support.

I also hope you find a safe place to land.

  

[Ogdru]

Hey, just posting here. Reached out for help. They are very proud, and are working on it. Communicating with therapist, taking it moment by moment, staying safe.

All I have for right now. Thanks for peoples support here it has meant a lot. 

[Armee]