TW - Money and SA

[voicelessagony2]

For those who may not have the acronyms memorized yet, TW = Trigger Warning and SA = Sexual Assault.

I've had a lifelong struggle with money. I have never met anyone else with the same intensity and pervasiveness of this problem.

Here's how it has been playing out:

I push myself hard to constantly increase my earning ability and income. I had a fundamental belief that the solution to all money problems is simply earning more money. I have a track record of increasing my salary nearly every single time I change jobs, sometimes by outrageous amounts. For example, going from 45k to 65k salary back in 2005, then from about 73k to 100k a few years later. But because these jobs are almost always short term contracts, with long periods of unemployment between, I have never managed to save a single dollar.

Plus, every time I made that jump in income, I felt like I was "rich," so I would immediately adjust my lifestyle to maximum enjoyment and instant gratification. Shopping, designer clothes, expensive restaurants, wine, etc.

After a traumatic divorce in 2011, I lost my house, my car was repossessed, and of course I had no savings. If I had not met my current boyfriend, I would be living in a shelter or under a bridge.

I've been unemployed for over a year now. I am once again broke, and cannot make the payments on the car I bought Jan 2014, when I was in a job I thought would last a long time. When I lost that job 3 months later, I was devastated. It destroyed any shred of confidence I may have had in myself and my career. I have not been applying for jobs with only a couple exceptions, and each failed attempt feels like salt in the wound.

I've been going to therapy every week since January this year, and making progress, but this onion has so many layers. I just realized a few days ago, something that might seem obvious, but maybe I just was never able to look at it until I got a little stronger.

My first SA happened when I was 16 or 17. I don't remember how, but somehow I met a drug dealer who gave me a big bag of weed. I was supposed to make it into joints and sell them, then pay him like $60 and I could keep the rest. I was dumb and just smoked all of it with some friends. He showed up at my house demanding his money, which of course I did not have, and he forced his way into the house (my parents were not home) and assaulted me, telling me that since I did not have his money, that  was the only way to settle my debt.

I just realized a few days ago, that this is probably most, if not all, the root of my money issues. This is why I cannot bring myself to take an active role in pursuing any type of stable income. Almost all of my jobs have been through temp or recruiting agencies; for some reason they do not scare me. They do the work of negotiating, establishing relationships, etc., so it somehow feels safe to give my resume to an intermediary and deal only with them.

I want to be freelance or independent consultant, but the idea of asking for money directly makes me freeze and withdraw. I'm terrified and apathetic at the same time. I want to make a difference, to relieve suffering in this world, but I will never be able to help anybody unless I can stabilize myself financially. I am soooooo not cut out to compete for money in western society. I don't even care about being independent any more. I would happily live out my days being taken care of, as long as it was mutually agreeable and accepted. But that is not my situation; my boyfriend is being very patient, but he is beginning to lose patience. I cannot explain this to him... I don't have the words, and he and the rest of the world cannot be expected to understand such a bizarre concept as being afraid of money.

[smg]

VA,
I'm so sorry for the traumas in your life, and your ongoing struggles with money. But... I feeled awed (on the verge of exultant) on your behalf because it seems like your new realization is incredibly important.

I'd like to paraphrase/reflect back what I understood in pretty simple/blunt terms. I hope that's okay.

If I understood correctly, you feel scared to negotiate around money (e.g., salary, budgetting for needs and wants) because you believe (via some inner critic catastrophizing) that the terms of the agreement will slip out of your control and you will be attacked. I can see how that could severly impact your life.

It doesn't seem like a bizarre concept to me. There are two leaps in logic:
1) you will behave foolishly or unknowingly and break the agreement; and,
2) the other party will attack you in response.

These are possibly improbable in your current circumstances (you have control of your actions and your potential employers aren't criminals). But, again, I don't see this thought/emotion process as bizarre at all! It seems that this kind of emotion/fear-controlled "thinking" is exactly what a CPTSP-affected brain does during a flashback. (I recently went from "gosh this mole on my leg seems a little strange lately," all the way to losing my house and never working again. I've done lots of similar catastrophizing in my life, so I recognized what I was doing and mostly stopped myself before I could spiral down into a bad flashback.)

I hear you that when you're triggered by the idea of negotiating you feel a lot of despair and believe you're "not cut out to compete for money." Maybe the truth is closer to "you have a bigger challenge than most to negotiate finances," and you can strategize with your therapist about the optimal time and approach to devote your energy to this challenge.

I've been living my own version of terrified and apathetic. You're not alone in that. I went from $75k, to not working for over 2 years, to minimum wage but learning a lot, to minimum wage and learning nothing useful and only intermittantly finding the energy to search for something better. (((hugs)))

smg

[voicelessagony2]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, smg.

Thank you for letting me know it's not so unbelievable. 

It is a significant realization, I agree. It was right there the whole time, and when I saw it, it just seemed so OBVIOUS. But that's how the work goes, doesn't it?

Now, what to do about it...

[Kizzie]

Is going back to school to train for something in a different field or to parlay your current skill set into longer term employment an option VA? (and a job/field that won't trigger you?)  E.g., I am changed my job from F2F to online as it's much less triggering and I can take a break whenever I need to.

[voicelessagony2]

Kizzie,

I have decided to change career paths because of this. I'm learning web development, which I think should be something that can be done online, or at least in a cubicle in a basement where I can hide away from the political BS!

[Kizzie]

That's a great idea VA and will let you tap into your creative side at the same time.  And when you work online or on your own from home you can go to work in your jammies - bonus!